rollercoasters galore
Right at this very moment I'm in a sense of relative equanimity. I haven't been anywhere near that for most of the past few days since I moved out.
A good friend helped me move the last load of stuff on Wed. He was the friend who was going to be my "storm home" - if I had to leave the house under bad circumstances, I would come stay with him. I warned him at least three times in the past 1.5 years, but fortunately for us both I didn't have to go there. I hadn't given him many details of what happened, and he hadn't asked. But now it seemed time to talk about it, and it was a very good conversation, deeper than any we'd ever had.
So last night we went out to The Vortex in midtown and indulged in beers and very unhealthy food. His girlfriend joined us; I'd never met her, so that was interesting. There was nothing really memorable about the converstation, but the fact that I could stay out until 11:30 on a weeknight without feeling guilty was itself a very freeing thing.
Today I talked to P for the first time in almost 7 months. It wasn't what I expected; I was actually kind of stunned at first. But after thinking about it, I think I'm ok. I'm not going to say more now; I need to take my time with this; this friendship is way too important to me.
Anyway. I am pretty raw right now. It's not bad, but it's not easy. I have had worse days in the last two years, though. There was days when I was completely torn about what to do. Getting this far has been a tremendous effort for me, and I am satisfied that I did the best I was able to do up to this point.
But I also see how much more work I have to do. Now I need to catch my breath and decide what to do next.
A good friend helped me move the last load of stuff on Wed. He was the friend who was going to be my "storm home" - if I had to leave the house under bad circumstances, I would come stay with him. I warned him at least three times in the past 1.5 years, but fortunately for us both I didn't have to go there. I hadn't given him many details of what happened, and he hadn't asked. But now it seemed time to talk about it, and it was a very good conversation, deeper than any we'd ever had.
So last night we went out to The Vortex in midtown and indulged in beers and very unhealthy food. His girlfriend joined us; I'd never met her, so that was interesting. There was nothing really memorable about the converstation, but the fact that I could stay out until 11:30 on a weeknight without feeling guilty was itself a very freeing thing.
Today I talked to P for the first time in almost 7 months. It wasn't what I expected; I was actually kind of stunned at first. But after thinking about it, I think I'm ok. I'm not going to say more now; I need to take my time with this; this friendship is way too important to me.
Anyway. I am pretty raw right now. It's not bad, but it's not easy. I have had worse days in the last two years, though. There was days when I was completely torn about what to do. Getting this far has been a tremendous effort for me, and I am satisfied that I did the best I was able to do up to this point.
But I also see how much more work I have to do. Now I need to catch my breath and decide what to do next.