Your Favorite Song
I’m going to die tomorrow, he says, eyes wide, scared, seeing something invisible to everyone but him.
Don’t be stupid, you retort, wondering what the hell is wrong with him this morning, checking your watch and cursing him for already making you late for work.
You walk out and close the door behind you, making sure to bang it shut extra loudly because you’re silly and you take too much for granted.
Yunho don’t leave me, you hear him plead from behind the closed door, but it’s all nonsense, and you go to work like it’s any other day. The boss will have words with you if you’re late for that meeting.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
You eat lunch at your desk because you’re very busy, too busy to go down to the cafeteria. But that’s okay because a song comes on your laptop and it makes you think of Jaejoong.
And instead of smiling your heart does a funny flip flop that suddenly makes the sandwich in your hand seem unappetizing.
You can’t explain it but you feel like you’re in the wrong place.
You discard your food and put on your jacket, getting mustard on the inside of the sleeves, but that doesn’t matter right now.
Your boss passes you as you jog down the hallway, and he barks after you, but you don’t look back, and you giggle to yourself.
It doesn’t matter. Home is what matters now.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
You came back.
There are tears in his eyes, and he’s looking at you as if you are the greatest gift on earth, and you’re so humbled and in love that you could die right there and be happy.
He holds you close and you can feel him breathing in your scent, and you vaguely wish you had put on some nice cologne that morning.
He notices your dirty hands from lunch and chuckles, teasing you for being such a messy eater, and you’re a little embarrassed…
But he holds your hands in his for long moments and stares at them, so lovingly, eyes sad, maybe regretful, but you don’t have time to decipher all of his complicated emotions because he’s pulling you with him into the bathroom against all your protests.
Warm water runs from the tap and he soaps your hands underneath it, caressing each finger, each fingernail, tracing soapy patterns along the lines on your palms, and you wonder why on earth he likes your hands so much all of a sudden because they’re nothing compared with any part of Jaejoong’s body.
He stills his movements, and the water is running, and tears are pooling at the tip of his chin before falling into the sink, and you don’t know what to do, so you just stand there and feel your heart bleeding for him.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
You’re already out of breath but he’s still pulling you, running, you don’t know where, but he’s laughing and that makes you happy.
His laughter is your favorite song.
He pulls you into an alley and up stairs and through ridiculous openings and finally you emerge onto an old rooftop that has seen better days, and he turns to you and grins, and asks you if you like it.
You look around. The sky is grey, the chill makes you wish you had brought your jacket, the streets are lonely and deserted…
What exactly am I supposed to be seeing? you ask, throwing your arms up in the air, exasperated.
He takes your face in his warm hands and pleads with those infinite eyes of his, Just look.
You think he’s lost it, but you look around again, and suddenly you see it, you see the world through his eyes…
And the clouds are silver, and they’re glowing with promises of something wonderful beyond them…
You look down, down into the streets below that seem so far away, and you see an old man pulling a cart behind him, and you wonder where he’s going, and suddenly you want to hug him and tell him that you see him…
There’s a lamp shining in a distant window of a distant house, and there’s a small hole in the roof, and you wonder if the children will have to sleep under extra blankets that night to stay warm, but it’s okay because the blankets are soft and comfortable and safe…
And you want to cry because you realize life is living, and no one is alone, and you’re in love with the world because you’re standing on top of it and seeing everything…
And you are crying, and he is crying, and you’re holding each other and you’re so in love that it hurts, and you wonder if you can die from this feeling.
He’s sobbing into your ear, and it tears your heart, but it’s your favorite song.
You make love on the rooftop, and he moans and tells you how much he loves you as if you didn’t already know.
You know just how to push him over the edge, and you do, and his whimpers and mewls are music to your ears.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It’s morning, and you have to rush to that meeting, but you don’t care, and you take the time to eat a full breakfast with your usual coffee.
He gazes at you from across the table, chin in his hands, and he loves you so much that you feel weightless and wonder if you might just fly.
It’s time to go, and you both stand and embrace, but you don’t let go. Instead he lays his head on your shoulder and you sway to music only you can hear.
You close your eyes and listen to him breathe.
It’s beautiful.
It’s your favorite song.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
What? you ask like an idiot into the phone, heart already pounding, face already drained of blood and flushed and back again… What accident? Is this a joke??
You drop the phone and run out of that office, out of that damned, suffocating building without waiting for an answer.
No. You can hardly fit the key into the car door, your hands are shaking so bad.
No. You race through the streets, running red lights, angry horns following you most of the way.
No. You’re almost there. And you remember the morning you rushed out of the apartment to go to work, leaving him there, alone, and you want to kill yourself because you were so stupid, stupid, stupid…
You arrive at the scene, and there are cars mashed together, an unrecognizable mess on the road, and some people are carrying a body bag on a stretcher, and there’s a hand poking out of it, and you see that ring you gave to him for his birthday, and you run to him and scream and cry his name, and you trip over your own feet because the tears are blurring your vision…
Strong arms stop you, and you try to get past them but can’t, and you notice how something is terribly wrong with the shape of the body bag, but you don’t care, you don’t care what he looks like, you just want to hold him because he’s your Jaejoong and you love him and you don’t care, don’t care…
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
You call his cell phone every day, just to hear his voice mail message, because his voice is your favorite song.
You giggle hysterically and wonder if he’ll pick up this time.
You know he won’t. But you wonder anyway.
Today the sky is dark and cloudy, and you’re happy, because that means you can go to that rooftop and sit and watch the whole world, and maybe he’ll see you.
Don’t be stupid, you retort, wondering what the hell is wrong with him this morning, checking your watch and cursing him for already making you late for work.
You walk out and close the door behind you, making sure to bang it shut extra loudly because you’re silly and you take too much for granted.
Yunho don’t leave me, you hear him plead from behind the closed door, but it’s all nonsense, and you go to work like it’s any other day. The boss will have words with you if you’re late for that meeting.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
You eat lunch at your desk because you’re very busy, too busy to go down to the cafeteria. But that’s okay because a song comes on your laptop and it makes you think of Jaejoong.
And instead of smiling your heart does a funny flip flop that suddenly makes the sandwich in your hand seem unappetizing.
You can’t explain it but you feel like you’re in the wrong place.
You discard your food and put on your jacket, getting mustard on the inside of the sleeves, but that doesn’t matter right now.
Your boss passes you as you jog down the hallway, and he barks after you, but you don’t look back, and you giggle to yourself.
It doesn’t matter. Home is what matters now.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
You came back.
There are tears in his eyes, and he’s looking at you as if you are the greatest gift on earth, and you’re so humbled and in love that you could die right there and be happy.
He holds you close and you can feel him breathing in your scent, and you vaguely wish you had put on some nice cologne that morning.
He notices your dirty hands from lunch and chuckles, teasing you for being such a messy eater, and you’re a little embarrassed…
But he holds your hands in his for long moments and stares at them, so lovingly, eyes sad, maybe regretful, but you don’t have time to decipher all of his complicated emotions because he’s pulling you with him into the bathroom against all your protests.
Warm water runs from the tap and he soaps your hands underneath it, caressing each finger, each fingernail, tracing soapy patterns along the lines on your palms, and you wonder why on earth he likes your hands so much all of a sudden because they’re nothing compared with any part of Jaejoong’s body.
He stills his movements, and the water is running, and tears are pooling at the tip of his chin before falling into the sink, and you don’t know what to do, so you just stand there and feel your heart bleeding for him.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
You’re already out of breath but he’s still pulling you, running, you don’t know where, but he’s laughing and that makes you happy.
His laughter is your favorite song.
He pulls you into an alley and up stairs and through ridiculous openings and finally you emerge onto an old rooftop that has seen better days, and he turns to you and grins, and asks you if you like it.
You look around. The sky is grey, the chill makes you wish you had brought your jacket, the streets are lonely and deserted…
What exactly am I supposed to be seeing? you ask, throwing your arms up in the air, exasperated.
He takes your face in his warm hands and pleads with those infinite eyes of his, Just look.
You think he’s lost it, but you look around again, and suddenly you see it, you see the world through his eyes…
And the clouds are silver, and they’re glowing with promises of something wonderful beyond them…
You look down, down into the streets below that seem so far away, and you see an old man pulling a cart behind him, and you wonder where he’s going, and suddenly you want to hug him and tell him that you see him…
There’s a lamp shining in a distant window of a distant house, and there’s a small hole in the roof, and you wonder if the children will have to sleep under extra blankets that night to stay warm, but it’s okay because the blankets are soft and comfortable and safe…
And you want to cry because you realize life is living, and no one is alone, and you’re in love with the world because you’re standing on top of it and seeing everything…
And you are crying, and he is crying, and you’re holding each other and you’re so in love that it hurts, and you wonder if you can die from this feeling.
He’s sobbing into your ear, and it tears your heart, but it’s your favorite song.
You make love on the rooftop, and he moans and tells you how much he loves you as if you didn’t already know.
You know just how to push him over the edge, and you do, and his whimpers and mewls are music to your ears.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It’s morning, and you have to rush to that meeting, but you don’t care, and you take the time to eat a full breakfast with your usual coffee.
He gazes at you from across the table, chin in his hands, and he loves you so much that you feel weightless and wonder if you might just fly.
It’s time to go, and you both stand and embrace, but you don’t let go. Instead he lays his head on your shoulder and you sway to music only you can hear.
You close your eyes and listen to him breathe.
It’s beautiful.
It’s your favorite song.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
What? you ask like an idiot into the phone, heart already pounding, face already drained of blood and flushed and back again… What accident? Is this a joke??
You drop the phone and run out of that office, out of that damned, suffocating building without waiting for an answer.
No. You can hardly fit the key into the car door, your hands are shaking so bad.
No. You race through the streets, running red lights, angry horns following you most of the way.
No. You’re almost there. And you remember the morning you rushed out of the apartment to go to work, leaving him there, alone, and you want to kill yourself because you were so stupid, stupid, stupid…
You arrive at the scene, and there are cars mashed together, an unrecognizable mess on the road, and some people are carrying a body bag on a stretcher, and there’s a hand poking out of it, and you see that ring you gave to him for his birthday, and you run to him and scream and cry his name, and you trip over your own feet because the tears are blurring your vision…
Strong arms stop you, and you try to get past them but can’t, and you notice how something is terribly wrong with the shape of the body bag, but you don’t care, you don’t care what he looks like, you just want to hold him because he’s your Jaejoong and you love him and you don’t care, don’t care…
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
You call his cell phone every day, just to hear his voice mail message, because his voice is your favorite song.
You giggle hysterically and wonder if he’ll pick up this time.
You know he won’t. But you wonder anyway.
Today the sky is dark and cloudy, and you’re happy, because that means you can go to that rooftop and sit and watch the whole world, and maybe he’ll see you.