mind your business and try to do good for yourself
These last few days have been strange, a strange haze of busyness which was not been necessarily pleasant. I need to (re)think many things, that is one conclusion. I find myself repeating: Need to figure stuff out. But if you repeat the same words too much, they kind of stop making sense, making impact. It becomes like a hum in a conversation. Like a like. Need to figure stuff out.
Today one of my friends from AA is flying to the UK - moving permanently. Man, that sucks, doesn't it? We said goodbyes, I didn't go to the airport, low key regret it, but 1 hour more or less does not make much of a difference. Bluntly, I am not sure about the people I know here, those who remain. People are nice and polite, but there's no connection. I am not quite sure. I can't connect. I find myself sometimes cancelling plans because I don't quite want to see these people. I think it is because there is a lot of drinking envolved and possibly shallow conversations.
As the temperature drops, I want to sit and be melancholic. I feel the urge to drive through the night listening to music with my phone off. There's a fundamental loneliness that it's not quite fixed regardless of those around me, regardless of incessant calls to my friends abroad. I love my friends so much but I need to figure stuff out. It's partly because I just can't be honest enough - and because of that, it's uncomfortable to talk to people. It's my problem, I know, it's my problem. Vulnerability is hard to master, I made good progress over the years, but these last months I have gone back a bit. It's no wonder, you need to be a robot as much as possible to remain functional over hard times.
I am not giving up on people yet, though. Whenever I get energy, I seek out people to hang out. But I also need to do things which make me feel human again. I have been painting more. I like that, I like the being in the moment type of vibe, as hippy dippy as that sounds. I paint for myself, things which are not necessarily pretty or polished. Eventually, I will probably show them to others, good old Instagram Clout. But for now, they are just splatters of paint directly drawn from my head.
Today, I will pass by the pole dancing studio after 7 months. I am excited. I miss it so much. It might be stupid, but it's like the sport I have been doing for years, that I have competed in (despite not being sucessful), have performed, bla bla bla bla bla whatever. It's kinda part of me. It is, indeed, a hobby I have built up over the years.
In terms of my mental state, I think I am more or less ok. Like, I could be worse, but I think I have adopted a bit of a too relaxed approach. If I am being lazy, I kinda let myself be lazy, although I fucking hate myself, but I don't hate myself enough to not be lazy. It's kinda strange, kinda unsettling. I have been turning down opportunities lately, I am scared of having too much on my plate. Am I getting better at judging my limits, or am I getting more and more complacent? I am not sure. It's not like these opportunities that I turn down make me feel too much either, so I think it's like, there's a general lack of interest in things. Like, meh. Bah.
So here's a list of shit that gets me excited:
- pole dancing
- mathematical proofs
- painting
- driving my car
- the boy
- talking to my brother
- talking to my friend in london
Things that really don't make me excited:
- food
- machine learning
- supervising students
- giving talks about data science
- applications
- getting drunk too often
- being insecur as fuck
- smoking
Today one of my friends from AA is flying to the UK - moving permanently. Man, that sucks, doesn't it? We said goodbyes, I didn't go to the airport, low key regret it, but 1 hour more or less does not make much of a difference. Bluntly, I am not sure about the people I know here, those who remain. People are nice and polite, but there's no connection. I am not quite sure. I can't connect. I find myself sometimes cancelling plans because I don't quite want to see these people. I think it is because there is a lot of drinking envolved and possibly shallow conversations.
As the temperature drops, I want to sit and be melancholic. I feel the urge to drive through the night listening to music with my phone off. There's a fundamental loneliness that it's not quite fixed regardless of those around me, regardless of incessant calls to my friends abroad. I love my friends so much but I need to figure stuff out. It's partly because I just can't be honest enough - and because of that, it's uncomfortable to talk to people. It's my problem, I know, it's my problem. Vulnerability is hard to master, I made good progress over the years, but these last months I have gone back a bit. It's no wonder, you need to be a robot as much as possible to remain functional over hard times.
I am not giving up on people yet, though. Whenever I get energy, I seek out people to hang out. But I also need to do things which make me feel human again. I have been painting more. I like that, I like the being in the moment type of vibe, as hippy dippy as that sounds. I paint for myself, things which are not necessarily pretty or polished. Eventually, I will probably show them to others, good old Instagram Clout. But for now, they are just splatters of paint directly drawn from my head.
Today, I will pass by the pole dancing studio after 7 months. I am excited. I miss it so much. It might be stupid, but it's like the sport I have been doing for years, that I have competed in (despite not being sucessful), have performed, bla bla bla bla bla whatever. It's kinda part of me. It is, indeed, a hobby I have built up over the years.
In terms of my mental state, I think I am more or less ok. Like, I could be worse, but I think I have adopted a bit of a too relaxed approach. If I am being lazy, I kinda let myself be lazy, although I fucking hate myself, but I don't hate myself enough to not be lazy. It's kinda strange, kinda unsettling. I have been turning down opportunities lately, I am scared of having too much on my plate. Am I getting better at judging my limits, or am I getting more and more complacent? I am not sure. It's not like these opportunities that I turn down make me feel too much either, so I think it's like, there's a general lack of interest in things. Like, meh. Bah.
So here's a list of shit that gets me excited:
- pole dancing
- mathematical proofs
- painting
- driving my car
- the boy
- talking to my brother
- talking to my friend in london
Things that really don't make me excited:
- food
- machine learning
- supervising students
- giving talks about data science
- applications
- getting drunk too often
- being insecur as fuck
- smoking