2009 Broke My Heart
Look out, irrationally bitchy Real Life rant ahead:
Looking back, 2009 sucked. My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me for a fucking stupid reason, or a least that's how it feels to me. Our sex life was getting rather repetitive and he felt unwanted, which couldn't have been further from the truth. Unfortunately I'm kinda shy and hesitant, meaning that I utterly fail when it comes to making the first move. I honestly tried for about a year to make things better, but I was so scared of making things worse that most of the time I never even brought up sex. He was so depressed all the time, how was I suppose to be sexy when he was upset?! He still believes that I didn't even try. He told me that he's break up with me if things didn't get better, so I really did make an effort, but he stopped trying, saying it was my turn. How was I suppose to fix anything if he'd already given up?
4 years of love and devotion in the longest, healthiest relationship he's ever been in thrown away because the sex wasn't what he wanted. Maybe if he wasn't clinically depressed he wouldn't have been so goddamn hard to please. I gave him EVERYTHING and he was never there to support me when I needed it. Now he's with a MILF whose in love with someone else, but can give him exciting sex. I'm not even really jealous of her because I know what they have isn't what we had. I'm just sad and feel cheated that I lost him over that. Was the sex really worth utterly destroying me?
It's been six months and I still love him so much. I have nightmares where he's dying and I can't save him - my biggest fear is his death. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Realistically I knew that probably wouldn't happen, but I didn't think it would end the way it did.
I know it would be a mistake to get back together with him. The underlying problems in our relationship haven't changed, and I don't mean the sex. I mean his self destructive tendencies - I can't make him happy because he couldn't even make himself happy. He doesn't trust anyone and hates himself. Every time I tried to make him feel better about himself for his life he fought me every step of the way without even realizing it. It was like he was sabotaging our relationship.
Problems or not, my heart still wants him back. Oh god this hurts.
Looking back, 2009 sucked. My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me for a fucking stupid reason, or a least that's how it feels to me. Our sex life was getting rather repetitive and he felt unwanted, which couldn't have been further from the truth. Unfortunately I'm kinda shy and hesitant, meaning that I utterly fail when it comes to making the first move. I honestly tried for about a year to make things better, but I was so scared of making things worse that most of the time I never even brought up sex. He was so depressed all the time, how was I suppose to be sexy when he was upset?! He still believes that I didn't even try. He told me that he's break up with me if things didn't get better, so I really did make an effort, but he stopped trying, saying it was my turn. How was I suppose to fix anything if he'd already given up?
4 years of love and devotion in the longest, healthiest relationship he's ever been in thrown away because the sex wasn't what he wanted. Maybe if he wasn't clinically depressed he wouldn't have been so goddamn hard to please. I gave him EVERYTHING and he was never there to support me when I needed it. Now he's with a MILF whose in love with someone else, but can give him exciting sex. I'm not even really jealous of her because I know what they have isn't what we had. I'm just sad and feel cheated that I lost him over that. Was the sex really worth utterly destroying me?
It's been six months and I still love him so much. I have nightmares where he's dying and I can't save him - my biggest fear is his death. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Realistically I knew that probably wouldn't happen, but I didn't think it would end the way it did.
I know it would be a mistake to get back together with him. The underlying problems in our relationship haven't changed, and I don't mean the sex. I mean his self destructive tendencies - I can't make him happy because he couldn't even make himself happy. He doesn't trust anyone and hates himself. Every time I tried to make him feel better about himself for his life he fought me every step of the way without even realizing it. It was like he was sabotaging our relationship.
Problems or not, my heart still wants him back. Oh god this hurts.