What Does it Mean? (Loveless, 04/29/06, finished)
Title: What Does it Mean?
Fandom: Loveless
Characters: Ritsuka, Soubi (Yuiko, Yayoi, Seimei)
Word Count: About 1,090
Notes: Written for kimivalkyrie, based on the following prompt: Soubi/Ritsuka, "Tell me, what does it mean to love?".
----
With his tail curled around his leg and lazily thumping against it, Ritsuka stared at the floor next to his bed. There was nothing interesting or remotely entertaining about the floorboards, but it was easier to stare at them than to study the walls, because if he raised his eyes to look at anything else, he would spot Soubi.
He knew he would; he'd already tried it, because staring at the floor was getting old. But Soubi was always in the vicinity of his gaze.
"Something is on Ritsuka's mind," Soubi said, giving up on the computer and turning to look at the boy laying on the bed. "Does Ritsuka wish to talk about it?"
"No," Ritsuka snapped, curling on his side and pulling a pillow over his head, in an attempt to ignore Soubi.
"Perhaps, it has to do with the question Ritsuka asked his friend earlier." Soubi stopped, watching for a sign from the younger boy that he as listening, and received one in the flicker of the black ears. Soubi watched in amusement when the ears flattened against his head. "Yuiko mentioned you asked her what it's like to love."
Ritsuka mumbled something, his words caught by the pillow and Soubi smiled gently, moving from the desk to the bed and placing his hand on Ritsuka's head, playing the boy's ears. "Does Ritsuka wish to ask me that question?"
"No," Ritsuka said, his words clear this time. "No."
"If Ritsuka ever wishes to ask me, he only needs to call me," Soubi told him. "Or ask when I am next to him." Soubi carefully ran his finger around the edge of Ritsuka's ear, watching a tremor run through the boy. "I will always answer Ritsuka."
Ritsuka sat up then and pushed Soubi's hand away, scowling at the older man. "I don't want to ask you, Soubi. You should go home now."
Soubi stared at Ritsuka for a moment, then nodded, a slight smile on his face, to cover up the hurt that was clearly evident in his eyes for a moment, before being hidden beneath an inscrutable expression. "As Ritsuka wishes."
--
"Did Ritsuka-kun think about my answer?" Yuiko asked Ritsuka the next day during lunch. "About what it is to love?"
"Yes," Ritsuka answered her, digging into his benot and proceeding to ignore Yayoi and Yuiko for the next thirty minutes, despite the attempts at both of them to draw him into conversation. He had thought about Yuiko's answer, and Yayoi's answer, of the question he had asked the day before and still was thinking about it.
Yuiko had told him that to love is to want to do whatever you could for the person you loved, so they'd be happy. Yayoi had gone to add that you always wanted to be around them, to see them smile and be happy.
But neither answer had satisfied Ritsuka, and the more he thought about them, the more they had seemed less like what love really was and simple infatuations towards someone. Love shouldn't demand changes, he thought, like his mother demanded of him, and wasn't that what Yuiko's description of love hinted at? By doing anything to make the other person happy, you could leave yourself miserable. And love - wasn't love better than that?
The onky love Ritsuka can remember is the love Seimei gave him, and that was all he had to base his answers on. Seimei had demanded nothing from him, other than that he take care of himself, and had showered affection upon Ritsuka; whatever his faults, he had loved Ritsuka and Ritsuka knew that.
But on the same hand, Seimei had kept so much from him. Was that love? Was protecting someone from everything, even to the point of keeping parts of yourself hidden, love? Ritsuka wasn't sure. Somewhere, he felt, it wasn't. Love was something much, much more.
--
"Ritsuka still has something on his mind," Soubi commented, as they walked down the street. Soubi had met Ritsuka at the school gates, waiting patiently for the boy and smoking his cigarettes, ignoring the kids who still whispered about him. And although Ritsuka had scowled and told him not to smoke and not to wait for him, Soubi had still extended his hand and Ritsuka had still taken it.
"Soubi," Ritsuka began, staring at the ground once again, almost as if he did not want to look at Soubi. "What does it mean to love?"
Soubi simply looked down at Ritsuka, his feet automatically slowing, not entirely unsurprised by the question. But even as he stared at the boy, his mind was already scrambling to come up with an answer.
"To love means you want the best for that person, even if it means hurting yourself," Soubi told him, his words careful and measured. "Everyone has a different opinion on what it means to love."
"Does loving someone mean you will do something you don't want to, if they ask?" Ritsuka asked, letting go of Soubi's hand and stopping altogether on the sidewalk, simply staring at nothing.
"Sometimes. If you love that person enough."
"Did you love Seimei?" Ritsuka asked sharply, looking up at Soubi. Something burned in his eyes, something Soubi did not want to look at too closely. Soubi busied himself with pulling out a cigarette and lighting it, taking a drag. He didn't want to reply to Ritsuka's question.
"I loved him because we share the same name, Ritsuka. I loved him because I had no choice but to love him." Soubi reached out, wrapping his hand around Ritsuka's arm, because the boy looked ready to bolt. "I did not love him like I love Ritsuka."
"But you love me because he ordered you to!" Ritsuka's voice was low, but harsh and heavy. Sobui would have almost preferred him to yell.
"No, Ritsuka. I love you because you are Ritsuka."
"Liar!" Ritsuka was finally yelling and people turned to look at them. He pulled his arm free of Soubi's grasp. "You love me because of him. He ordered you to do it, and you love me because of that."
"Ritsuka, that is not -"
"I hate you, Soubi," Ritsuka told him, his eyes dark beneath his bangs and Soubi reached for him, pulling him into his arms. He wished he could make the boy believe him, that he loved Ritsuka for himself.
"Ritsuka, I love you." Soubi pressed a kiss to Ritsuka's forehead. "One day, you'll learn what it is to love. And you'll understand then."
-
Fandom: Loveless
Characters: Ritsuka, Soubi (Yuiko, Yayoi, Seimei)
Word Count: About 1,090
Notes: Written for kimivalkyrie, based on the following prompt: Soubi/Ritsuka, "Tell me, what does it mean to love?".
----
With his tail curled around his leg and lazily thumping against it, Ritsuka stared at the floor next to his bed. There was nothing interesting or remotely entertaining about the floorboards, but it was easier to stare at them than to study the walls, because if he raised his eyes to look at anything else, he would spot Soubi.
He knew he would; he'd already tried it, because staring at the floor was getting old. But Soubi was always in the vicinity of his gaze.
"Something is on Ritsuka's mind," Soubi said, giving up on the computer and turning to look at the boy laying on the bed. "Does Ritsuka wish to talk about it?"
"No," Ritsuka snapped, curling on his side and pulling a pillow over his head, in an attempt to ignore Soubi.
"Perhaps, it has to do with the question Ritsuka asked his friend earlier." Soubi stopped, watching for a sign from the younger boy that he as listening, and received one in the flicker of the black ears. Soubi watched in amusement when the ears flattened against his head. "Yuiko mentioned you asked her what it's like to love."
Ritsuka mumbled something, his words caught by the pillow and Soubi smiled gently, moving from the desk to the bed and placing his hand on Ritsuka's head, playing the boy's ears. "Does Ritsuka wish to ask me that question?"
"No," Ritsuka said, his words clear this time. "No."
"If Ritsuka ever wishes to ask me, he only needs to call me," Soubi told him. "Or ask when I am next to him." Soubi carefully ran his finger around the edge of Ritsuka's ear, watching a tremor run through the boy. "I will always answer Ritsuka."
Ritsuka sat up then and pushed Soubi's hand away, scowling at the older man. "I don't want to ask you, Soubi. You should go home now."
Soubi stared at Ritsuka for a moment, then nodded, a slight smile on his face, to cover up the hurt that was clearly evident in his eyes for a moment, before being hidden beneath an inscrutable expression. "As Ritsuka wishes."
--
"Did Ritsuka-kun think about my answer?" Yuiko asked Ritsuka the next day during lunch. "About what it is to love?"
"Yes," Ritsuka answered her, digging into his benot and proceeding to ignore Yayoi and Yuiko for the next thirty minutes, despite the attempts at both of them to draw him into conversation. He had thought about Yuiko's answer, and Yayoi's answer, of the question he had asked the day before and still was thinking about it.
Yuiko had told him that to love is to want to do whatever you could for the person you loved, so they'd be happy. Yayoi had gone to add that you always wanted to be around them, to see them smile and be happy.
But neither answer had satisfied Ritsuka, and the more he thought about them, the more they had seemed less like what love really was and simple infatuations towards someone. Love shouldn't demand changes, he thought, like his mother demanded of him, and wasn't that what Yuiko's description of love hinted at? By doing anything to make the other person happy, you could leave yourself miserable. And love - wasn't love better than that?
The onky love Ritsuka can remember is the love Seimei gave him, and that was all he had to base his answers on. Seimei had demanded nothing from him, other than that he take care of himself, and had showered affection upon Ritsuka; whatever his faults, he had loved Ritsuka and Ritsuka knew that.
But on the same hand, Seimei had kept so much from him. Was that love? Was protecting someone from everything, even to the point of keeping parts of yourself hidden, love? Ritsuka wasn't sure. Somewhere, he felt, it wasn't. Love was something much, much more.
--
"Ritsuka still has something on his mind," Soubi commented, as they walked down the street. Soubi had met Ritsuka at the school gates, waiting patiently for the boy and smoking his cigarettes, ignoring the kids who still whispered about him. And although Ritsuka had scowled and told him not to smoke and not to wait for him, Soubi had still extended his hand and Ritsuka had still taken it.
"Soubi," Ritsuka began, staring at the ground once again, almost as if he did not want to look at Soubi. "What does it mean to love?"
Soubi simply looked down at Ritsuka, his feet automatically slowing, not entirely unsurprised by the question. But even as he stared at the boy, his mind was already scrambling to come up with an answer.
"To love means you want the best for that person, even if it means hurting yourself," Soubi told him, his words careful and measured. "Everyone has a different opinion on what it means to love."
"Does loving someone mean you will do something you don't want to, if they ask?" Ritsuka asked, letting go of Soubi's hand and stopping altogether on the sidewalk, simply staring at nothing.
"Sometimes. If you love that person enough."
"Did you love Seimei?" Ritsuka asked sharply, looking up at Soubi. Something burned in his eyes, something Soubi did not want to look at too closely. Soubi busied himself with pulling out a cigarette and lighting it, taking a drag. He didn't want to reply to Ritsuka's question.
"I loved him because we share the same name, Ritsuka. I loved him because I had no choice but to love him." Soubi reached out, wrapping his hand around Ritsuka's arm, because the boy looked ready to bolt. "I did not love him like I love Ritsuka."
"But you love me because he ordered you to!" Ritsuka's voice was low, but harsh and heavy. Sobui would have almost preferred him to yell.
"No, Ritsuka. I love you because you are Ritsuka."
"Liar!" Ritsuka was finally yelling and people turned to look at them. He pulled his arm free of Soubi's grasp. "You love me because of him. He ordered you to do it, and you love me because of that."
"Ritsuka, that is not -"
"I hate you, Soubi," Ritsuka told him, his eyes dark beneath his bangs and Soubi reached for him, pulling him into his arms. He wished he could make the boy believe him, that he loved Ritsuka for himself.
"Ritsuka, I love you." Soubi pressed a kiss to Ritsuka's forehead. "One day, you'll learn what it is to love. And you'll understand then."
-