Closure-bah!
Is coincidence my middle name or what? Last night, after writing my entry, Axis called telling me Antoine asked about me again. He said how he was running out of things to tell him about me, as in what has been my excuse for not talking to him in almost a year. We had this entire discussion about Antoine and what happened. Basically, Axis compared my life to a table with tons of books on it. All the books of my past are closed except for the book of Antoine which has been opened in the middle of the table. All this time I am spending piling books on top of it and putting it off. And until I get closure with it all it will never stop haunting me and the book will never close.
I hate it when other people are right about my life. I don't want to tell Antoine all the hatred that I had(have?) for him because I feel that would be too mean on my part and I am not a mean person. Axis felt that by ignoring every one of his attempts at contacting me I was being more rude and hurtful than just telling him I didn't want to talk to him. I disagree completely. No matter what happened I don't want to hurt him and I feel that by not telling him the truth but not exactly lying to him is the best path to take. Maybe I'm wrong in this but it's my way. Axis was trying to convince me to talk to him and tell him the truth. I am a person who needs to be in control, and it kinda pissed me off when he was telling me to do something that I pretty much decided on doing anyway. In yesterday's entry when I wanted to talk to him it wasn't to tell him I didn't want to talk to him but the exact opposite.
Yesterday I was nostalgic and guilty and wanted to just see him because I missed him, after talking to Axis it made me not want to talk to Antoine at all. Because as I was arguing I remembered everything bad that happened, the happy moments between us were unreachable. I remembered all the shit I had to deal with thanks to his "girlfriend", all the lying he did, all the trouble his supposed best friend caused for all of us. I just didn't see any reason to see him again. Right now in my life I don't need to be bringing up any of these past issues, I have enough things to deal with and I just know that if I get involved with him in any way again I will just be reliving the past depression and not get any closure at all.
This internal conflict is driving me crazy. Maybe when I am not so involved with everything else in my life I will be able to talk to him again, but for now I will just have to leave everything where it is.
I hate it when other people are right about my life. I don't want to tell Antoine all the hatred that I had(have?) for him because I feel that would be too mean on my part and I am not a mean person. Axis felt that by ignoring every one of his attempts at contacting me I was being more rude and hurtful than just telling him I didn't want to talk to him. I disagree completely. No matter what happened I don't want to hurt him and I feel that by not telling him the truth but not exactly lying to him is the best path to take. Maybe I'm wrong in this but it's my way. Axis was trying to convince me to talk to him and tell him the truth. I am a person who needs to be in control, and it kinda pissed me off when he was telling me to do something that I pretty much decided on doing anyway. In yesterday's entry when I wanted to talk to him it wasn't to tell him I didn't want to talk to him but the exact opposite.
Yesterday I was nostalgic and guilty and wanted to just see him because I missed him, after talking to Axis it made me not want to talk to Antoine at all. Because as I was arguing I remembered everything bad that happened, the happy moments between us were unreachable. I remembered all the shit I had to deal with thanks to his "girlfriend", all the lying he did, all the trouble his supposed best friend caused for all of us. I just didn't see any reason to see him again. Right now in my life I don't need to be bringing up any of these past issues, I have enough things to deal with and I just know that if I get involved with him in any way again I will just be reliving the past depression and not get any closure at all.
This internal conflict is driving me crazy. Maybe when I am not so involved with everything else in my life I will be able to talk to him again, but for now I will just have to leave everything where it is.