(no subject)
argh.
I hate this place on nights like this. I don't fit in here. And it's so silly to actually be upset about it... but I'm tired of riding to concerts in leather upholstered SUVs or picking up pizza in custom made Hondas or BMWs. We're 19 years old! No one needs that. And instead of thinking about how there's this cultural wealth here with all these people who have the money to take trips to amazing places all the time and can send their kids off to college with cars that cost more than my house... it just makes me feel really shitty. I'm tired of going through facebook albums of "spring break in Greece" - people actually pay for their kids to go to Mexico and Spain and the Bahamas with their friends while they're not busy paying 35,000 dollars a year to send them to college. And I just miss being surrounded by normal people. I mean, there are so many great, normal people here... but I hate feeling like there's also a sort of Wooster royality of trust fund babies. And it's not normal to not have everything at your fingertips. And even just being at parties and watching everyone pull out these big bags of weed and all I can think is... Jesus, your parents bought that. You may never have had a job in your life. And I know, it's stupid to get frustrated. Most of the time I feel so lucky for everything I have. I know I don't have any reason to complain. I wouldn't want to have everything handed to me. But what scares me is that instead of thinking that it's horrible, I just keep thinking that maybe kids are so much better off being raised with money. I mean, they're happy, they're so much happier than I am. Who wouldn't be happy traveling all over the world before they even turn 14 or just knowing that you're not going to have to listen to your parents fight about money. I never cared about having more than enough. But now I'm starting to wonder if that's just normal. I feel like I'm in this alternate world where money is just not an issue, when I feel like ever since I was little money was an issue. Jamie and Sarah keep telling me they want to go have dinner at my house and I just keep trying to figure out how to explain that my house isn't like their houses, or Kendall's house. I'm just so exhausted by feeling like I'm covering my ass all the time and trying to act like I know what its like to go on holidays or drink really nice liquor with my parents. And I feel so stupid for it, but I'm actually starting to feel like I'm worth so much less.
And I washed my face today and it broke out in a big red rash all over. I feel so horrible and worthless and stuck. I'm beginning to hate myself. And of course, everyone here loves life. They have lives at home and in other places... and this was supposed to be my new home and it's not. I miss emma and stacy and people who care and who know who I am and who don't care about things like that
I hate this place on nights like this. I don't fit in here. And it's so silly to actually be upset about it... but I'm tired of riding to concerts in leather upholstered SUVs or picking up pizza in custom made Hondas or BMWs. We're 19 years old! No one needs that. And instead of thinking about how there's this cultural wealth here with all these people who have the money to take trips to amazing places all the time and can send their kids off to college with cars that cost more than my house... it just makes me feel really shitty. I'm tired of going through facebook albums of "spring break in Greece" - people actually pay for their kids to go to Mexico and Spain and the Bahamas with their friends while they're not busy paying 35,000 dollars a year to send them to college. And I just miss being surrounded by normal people. I mean, there are so many great, normal people here... but I hate feeling like there's also a sort of Wooster royality of trust fund babies. And it's not normal to not have everything at your fingertips. And even just being at parties and watching everyone pull out these big bags of weed and all I can think is... Jesus, your parents bought that. You may never have had a job in your life. And I know, it's stupid to get frustrated. Most of the time I feel so lucky for everything I have. I know I don't have any reason to complain. I wouldn't want to have everything handed to me. But what scares me is that instead of thinking that it's horrible, I just keep thinking that maybe kids are so much better off being raised with money. I mean, they're happy, they're so much happier than I am. Who wouldn't be happy traveling all over the world before they even turn 14 or just knowing that you're not going to have to listen to your parents fight about money. I never cared about having more than enough. But now I'm starting to wonder if that's just normal. I feel like I'm in this alternate world where money is just not an issue, when I feel like ever since I was little money was an issue. Jamie and Sarah keep telling me they want to go have dinner at my house and I just keep trying to figure out how to explain that my house isn't like their houses, or Kendall's house. I'm just so exhausted by feeling like I'm covering my ass all the time and trying to act like I know what its like to go on holidays or drink really nice liquor with my parents. And I feel so stupid for it, but I'm actually starting to feel like I'm worth so much less.
And I washed my face today and it broke out in a big red rash all over. I feel so horrible and worthless and stuck. I'm beginning to hate myself. And of course, everyone here loves life. They have lives at home and in other places... and this was supposed to be my new home and it's not. I miss emma and stacy and people who care and who know who I am and who don't care about things like that