Found eighteen reasons I can't pick up on the phone
my tummy aches... real bad. I keep drinking lots of water (but not too much) to try to fix it, but it's not working. I keep having flashbacks about that time I had the stomach flu a few months ago, which was quite possibly one of my least favorite 48 hours ever. Well, when it comes to physical pain. I just read Zach Braff's blog. It made me chuckle. And now I'm being a little bit bored, a little bit restless, a little bit tired, and a little bit jittery. I can't seem to shake this bad feeling about a number of things... and frankly, it's beginning to make me feel even more not good than I felt before and even more bad at life than I usually feel. This weekend was a blur and I can't say it started off well... what with friday night and all, but I'm fine, if nothing else has come over the past few months it's me learning how to sort of roll over people doing shitty things/hurting my feelings. And more than anything, it's not the ones that are unintentional.. those I can handle, I know I'm just as bad with that as anyone. It's just those ones that people apologize for before they even do them. You know? Like... hey, I'm so sorry I'm going to punch you in the stomach, and I don't have to, but I'm still going to do it... you're not mad at me, are you?
At some point I'd like to stop feeling like everything is my fault. And I'd like to feel human again. I'd like to feel like I'm worth something even if I'm not making only decisions that other people want me to make. And I'd like to be in some position where I feel like the people who care about me trust me to make those decisions.
I miss the summer, I miss feeling warm and in control... and I miss my home. My home, as in where my heart is. I don't know where my heart is right now. As far as I can tell, it's just in my chest. Which, I don't think is ideal. And as much as a number of people, I'm sure, would disagree with me saying this... I think I just got hurt, and so I took it back and it's sort of chilling out until the coast is clear. As much as I tell myself I'm overreacting, I just can't help feeling like I'll always be the one taking the blame for trying to put out a plane that was burning. I know I've been saying this for six months. But I need a fucking vacation. And by vacation I mean, a reset button. I need a new perspective, because this one is shot... I've been trying the same thing for so long, and I need an end. I'm not being secretive, I'm an open book. I just am emotionally spent and exhausted and no one is giving me a chance to recharge or rethink, they're just pushing. And saying that they're thinking of me is bullshit, if anyone was thinking of me... they would have let up a while ago and listened to what I was saying or at least thought of me. And maybe that's unfair. But I always thought that love is putting other people first. And I have tried so hard not to hurt anyone and still do what's best for me or at least apologize and not repeat the mistakes I've made, but maybe that's just not how it works. I know it's not that easy. But THIS is life. And I just want to be free to live it on my own terms. That doesn't mean that I want to stop loving anyone or cut myself off... I just want to be able to love who I want how I want. If that makes any sense at all. I mean, feelings aren't in standard issue. And it's not like you can change them. I just would like someone to appreciate me and still love me even if I'm not telling them what they want to hear. And the fact that I never say this is WHY I acquire stalkers and bad acquaintances like most people acquire footwear. BUT, I also have the best friends in the entire fucking world, so why am I really complaining? I don't know. I'm having a bad night. So please, this is my life. Will someone try to get it back to me? I'm trying to be so many things to so many people that sometimes I feel like I'll burst.
p.s. I've felt chunks welling up in my throat all day, but I don't feel at all like puking. How sick is that?
I really do love you all, I'm just shitfaced on a boat out to sea and there's no side to spew over
At some point I'd like to stop feeling like everything is my fault. And I'd like to feel human again. I'd like to feel like I'm worth something even if I'm not making only decisions that other people want me to make. And I'd like to be in some position where I feel like the people who care about me trust me to make those decisions.
I miss the summer, I miss feeling warm and in control... and I miss my home. My home, as in where my heart is. I don't know where my heart is right now. As far as I can tell, it's just in my chest. Which, I don't think is ideal. And as much as a number of people, I'm sure, would disagree with me saying this... I think I just got hurt, and so I took it back and it's sort of chilling out until the coast is clear. As much as I tell myself I'm overreacting, I just can't help feeling like I'll always be the one taking the blame for trying to put out a plane that was burning. I know I've been saying this for six months. But I need a fucking vacation. And by vacation I mean, a reset button. I need a new perspective, because this one is shot... I've been trying the same thing for so long, and I need an end. I'm not being secretive, I'm an open book. I just am emotionally spent and exhausted and no one is giving me a chance to recharge or rethink, they're just pushing. And saying that they're thinking of me is bullshit, if anyone was thinking of me... they would have let up a while ago and listened to what I was saying or at least thought of me. And maybe that's unfair. But I always thought that love is putting other people first. And I have tried so hard not to hurt anyone and still do what's best for me or at least apologize and not repeat the mistakes I've made, but maybe that's just not how it works. I know it's not that easy. But THIS is life. And I just want to be free to live it on my own terms. That doesn't mean that I want to stop loving anyone or cut myself off... I just want to be able to love who I want how I want. If that makes any sense at all. I mean, feelings aren't in standard issue. And it's not like you can change them. I just would like someone to appreciate me and still love me even if I'm not telling them what they want to hear. And the fact that I never say this is WHY I acquire stalkers and bad acquaintances like most people acquire footwear. BUT, I also have the best friends in the entire fucking world, so why am I really complaining? I don't know. I'm having a bad night. So please, this is my life. Will someone try to get it back to me? I'm trying to be so many things to so many people that sometimes I feel like I'll burst.
p.s. I've felt chunks welling up in my throat all day, but I don't feel at all like puking. How sick is that?
I really do love you all, I'm just shitfaced on a boat out to sea and there's no side to spew over