fat jokes are only funny if you're skinny.
This really happened to me today.
I had a splitting headache on the way home... was hauling ass down the crosstown and decided to stop at the grocery store for a hot second to get a few things. I got my shit rather quickly (for me, anyway)and slid into a check out line behind this mildly creepy looking Cruella De Ville, this weirdly tall elderly lady, buying cat food and milk and vienna sausages. She was pretty snarky with the check out girl, a teenage African-American chick with braces and a bad weave but a pretty smile.... so the dragon lady starts to stump away - AFTER she bitches for a full four minutes about her fucking blue stamps she's collecting from the grocery store, so she can collect the substandard chintzy faux gourmet cookware they're giving away. Then I notice one tin of her snausages has been caught behind the register, didn't quite make it down the conveyer belt. The clerk calls out, gets her back, and Dragon Hag starts snarling, whips out her 2 dollar bills from her Gucci wallet like she was distastefully paying you for a sloppy blowjob and one badly done, and THROWS her piddling two bucks at the clerk. You can tell the clerk wants to cop a 'fuck you, cracker bitch' attitude, and I probably would have if I were her, but she has more patience than me, obviously; she tells the Dragon very quietly, "you don't have to throw your money at me", at which point Dragon Hag TOTALLY FLIPS THE FUCK OUT at little check out chick.
I was still standing there with a throbbing head and rapidly warming dairy products, and of course I so rarely get to put bitchy old yentas in their place at work. "Hey, there, you don't have to be so rude to the clerk, she is just doing her job, you did throw your money at her -" says I, whereupon the old bat just goes absolutely apeshit on ME. The clerk screams for the manager, who comes scurrying over. He's some kinderpunk in black shirt and black tie, some snot nose kid, who's looking at me like I'm the troublemaker here until the Hag of Babylon opens her withered old pie hole once more and resumes unleashing these incomprehensible screeches, mostly directed at me but occasionally at the Manager of this fine establishment. I say one thing, one fucking thing to the kid, something like, "the clerk was absolutely right and this lady is unbelievably rude and really holding me up" and Bitch Hag turns to me and screams "you FUCKING PRICK!!"
There was dead silence for a second. I didn't even really understand what she said, at first. I was like, "What? What did you just call me?" you see, because I don't really register high pitched squallering very well, and I think she was pretty much foaming and flecking spittle by this point. She sucks up to her full hideous height, gives me the most dread absolute evil eye I have ever in my life seen, and splits with this spastic indignant strut, hightailed even, directly out the door.
I turn to the Clerk and the Manager, and gave them a pretty wide eyed "w.t.f??" look.
Dirty Derrick the Wonder Douche Manager says, "She called you a *stage whispers* fucking prick."
My heart was kind of racing there. I felt... righteous. Like I had just bitchslapped the Hydra. The manager says, "yeah, we've asked her before not to come here any more, but she just keeps shopping here." Apparently Dragon Hag was a repeat offender - a lonely cat having bitter old bitch who copped her jollies by randomly abusing the minimum wage employees of a slightly ghetto chain supermarket.
Big pussy that I am, or chalk it up to being a drama queen, I asked the Whiz Kid to escort me out to the parking lot - "She's probably out there waiting by my car, loading caps in her Nine, looking forward to blowing my brains out and completely wiping this smug, standing-up-to-the-Hag shiteating grin off my fat face forever. Come on, don't make me walk out there by myself!" So the kid humors me, probably thinking I am as nutty as a post-Snickers turd... and sure as shit, there's the Evil Old Bat, lurking about in the parking lot! She's aimlessly ramming her shopping cart into parked cars, most likely hoping to get lucky and nail mine. Luckily, I was parked out just of her range - her scrawny neck wringing chicken arms couldn't pump that cart the extra five feet it would have taken to dent my fender. Instantly she locks on to me and Wonder Boy and commences pumping straight uncut brimming eyeballs full of the burning hate right at us.
We threw those groceries in my ride in a quickness, and Boy Manager trucks it on back into the store. I get in, start the engine, and see the whackjob old bitch toss her bag of bones ass into her Camry and start to follow me. I'm thinking she's going to follow me, shoot a trank dart into the back of my neck, kidnap me and sell my organs one by one on the Thai black market, keeping me alive in a tub full of dirty ice and cat piss, only feeding me Vienna Sausages.... but she cannot compete with someone with nerves of steel and a Pontiac Aztek!
I did notice one thing: just as she was waving her stick arms around in the store, as she was at the climax of her high horse and coming just to but not crossing the line of racial slurs against the clerk and about to call me an uppity dyke (in retrospect I think that's where she was going with the "fucking prick" comment), I noticed the Dragon lady has some bling! She had a fucking rock on her hand that Gibraltar would have been jealous of; a diamond ring of such size that I was temporarily blinded, I mean this hunk of junk so SO BIG you could have gouged a sperm whale's eye out with it with nary a problem.
I hate rich old whores. Because I bet that's what she was. Shaun said she was probably spoiled and I agree; spoiled in the same way putrid ground sirloin would be after a month in your trunk under your spare tire. A 60's trophy wife, devolved into a sadistic snatchbat beefcurtain because her husband doesn't want to ball her anymore and now she can't give it away. So she props herself up and makes her life worth living by heaping abuse on anyone even remotely more happy looking, any living thing more cuddly than her, and by asserting her superiority by shitting all over everything in sight.
Poor old bitch. She should just go home and put her head in her oven and be done with it. Better yet, she should burn her suburban ranch house down around her, go out Viking style in a blaze of glory; leave her kids and husband who hate her a nice insurance settlement and minimal funeral costs.
This is all entirely true.
I had a splitting headache on the way home... was hauling ass down the crosstown and decided to stop at the grocery store for a hot second to get a few things. I got my shit rather quickly (for me, anyway)and slid into a check out line behind this mildly creepy looking Cruella De Ville, this weirdly tall elderly lady, buying cat food and milk and vienna sausages. She was pretty snarky with the check out girl, a teenage African-American chick with braces and a bad weave but a pretty smile.... so the dragon lady starts to stump away - AFTER she bitches for a full four minutes about her fucking blue stamps she's collecting from the grocery store, so she can collect the substandard chintzy faux gourmet cookware they're giving away. Then I notice one tin of her snausages has been caught behind the register, didn't quite make it down the conveyer belt. The clerk calls out, gets her back, and Dragon Hag starts snarling, whips out her 2 dollar bills from her Gucci wallet like she was distastefully paying you for a sloppy blowjob and one badly done, and THROWS her piddling two bucks at the clerk. You can tell the clerk wants to cop a 'fuck you, cracker bitch' attitude, and I probably would have if I were her, but she has more patience than me, obviously; she tells the Dragon very quietly, "you don't have to throw your money at me", at which point Dragon Hag TOTALLY FLIPS THE FUCK OUT at little check out chick.
I was still standing there with a throbbing head and rapidly warming dairy products, and of course I so rarely get to put bitchy old yentas in their place at work. "Hey, there, you don't have to be so rude to the clerk, she is just doing her job, you did throw your money at her -" says I, whereupon the old bat just goes absolutely apeshit on ME. The clerk screams for the manager, who comes scurrying over. He's some kinderpunk in black shirt and black tie, some snot nose kid, who's looking at me like I'm the troublemaker here until the Hag of Babylon opens her withered old pie hole once more and resumes unleashing these incomprehensible screeches, mostly directed at me but occasionally at the Manager of this fine establishment. I say one thing, one fucking thing to the kid, something like, "the clerk was absolutely right and this lady is unbelievably rude and really holding me up" and Bitch Hag turns to me and screams "you FUCKING PRICK!!"
There was dead silence for a second. I didn't even really understand what she said, at first. I was like, "What? What did you just call me?" you see, because I don't really register high pitched squallering very well, and I think she was pretty much foaming and flecking spittle by this point. She sucks up to her full hideous height, gives me the most dread absolute evil eye I have ever in my life seen, and splits with this spastic indignant strut, hightailed even, directly out the door.
I turn to the Clerk and the Manager, and gave them a pretty wide eyed "w.t.f??" look.
Dirty Derrick the Wonder Douche Manager says, "She called you a *stage whispers* fucking prick."
My heart was kind of racing there. I felt... righteous. Like I had just bitchslapped the Hydra. The manager says, "yeah, we've asked her before not to come here any more, but she just keeps shopping here." Apparently Dragon Hag was a repeat offender - a lonely cat having bitter old bitch who copped her jollies by randomly abusing the minimum wage employees of a slightly ghetto chain supermarket.
Big pussy that I am, or chalk it up to being a drama queen, I asked the Whiz Kid to escort me out to the parking lot - "She's probably out there waiting by my car, loading caps in her Nine, looking forward to blowing my brains out and completely wiping this smug, standing-up-to-the-Hag shiteating grin off my fat face forever. Come on, don't make me walk out there by myself!" So the kid humors me, probably thinking I am as nutty as a post-Snickers turd... and sure as shit, there's the Evil Old Bat, lurking about in the parking lot! She's aimlessly ramming her shopping cart into parked cars, most likely hoping to get lucky and nail mine. Luckily, I was parked out just of her range - her scrawny neck wringing chicken arms couldn't pump that cart the extra five feet it would have taken to dent my fender. Instantly she locks on to me and Wonder Boy and commences pumping straight uncut brimming eyeballs full of the burning hate right at us.
We threw those groceries in my ride in a quickness, and Boy Manager trucks it on back into the store. I get in, start the engine, and see the whackjob old bitch toss her bag of bones ass into her Camry and start to follow me. I'm thinking she's going to follow me, shoot a trank dart into the back of my neck, kidnap me and sell my organs one by one on the Thai black market, keeping me alive in a tub full of dirty ice and cat piss, only feeding me Vienna Sausages.... but she cannot compete with someone with nerves of steel and a Pontiac Aztek!
I did notice one thing: just as she was waving her stick arms around in the store, as she was at the climax of her high horse and coming just to but not crossing the line of racial slurs against the clerk and about to call me an uppity dyke (in retrospect I think that's where she was going with the "fucking prick" comment), I noticed the Dragon lady has some bling! She had a fucking rock on her hand that Gibraltar would have been jealous of; a diamond ring of such size that I was temporarily blinded, I mean this hunk of junk so SO BIG you could have gouged a sperm whale's eye out with it with nary a problem.
I hate rich old whores. Because I bet that's what she was. Shaun said she was probably spoiled and I agree; spoiled in the same way putrid ground sirloin would be after a month in your trunk under your spare tire. A 60's trophy wife, devolved into a sadistic snatchbat beefcurtain because her husband doesn't want to ball her anymore and now she can't give it away. So she props herself up and makes her life worth living by heaping abuse on anyone even remotely more happy looking, any living thing more cuddly than her, and by asserting her superiority by shitting all over everything in sight.
Poor old bitch. She should just go home and put her head in her oven and be done with it. Better yet, she should burn her suburban ranch house down around her, go out Viking style in a blaze of glory; leave her kids and husband who hate her a nice insurance settlement and minimal funeral costs.
This is all entirely true.