The Second Day Of Hell ... Probably The Hardest Part
So its 19:46 on Friday the 22nd of January, according to Tenshi it should be around now that hes going under for his surgery. I cant explain the feelings I'm having right now well enough for whoever is reading this to understand ... but I'll try anyways.
There is a fluttering in my chest and a tightening in my abs round to the small of my back, its like jumping into freezing cold water and not being able to breath. The welling of tears in my eyes is something I've grown used to and seeing through that salt water view of things has become the norm over the last few days. Most people feel that panic attack sensation of their chest all fluttering like pins and needles? I get it in my neck, my wrists and my head, such a strange and unwelcome feeling one I want to pass as fast as I can.
Trying to stay positive right now, the only thoughts that pass through my head are 'Tenshi hold on, get through this, I love you' . I feel so horrid that I'm not there with him, but he was right, by the time I could have gotten over on a plane he will have been out of the surgery or gone. He stressed to me that he didn't want me getting to an empty airport with no one to meet me and him being gone, but to be honest even if we loose him on the table I would have wanted to sit with him for a while, just so I could say I'd been there till the end. But I'm not going to think about that, I've excepted that I may lose the love of my life, my soul mate, my center ...My all
I'd lie if I said I was confident, he was so scared before he had to leave for the hospital and I mustered every bit of courage that I had to make sure in his last words before departing were happy and positive. I guess its going to be Hell today, tomorrow and well until his brother gets on to send me a message... I think that's the worst part, knowing that when his brother logs on tomorrow or whenever that I'll be waiting for either one of three results . One: He made it hes in recovery ... Two: He made it but there were complications .... and Three: Jack I'm sorry but ....
Hollow, I think that's the best way I can describe it, I've hollowed myself out, I've sent my soul to be with his, to hold his hand and guide him to safety. I will never let him fall, through it all I will be there to tell him its okay and that no matter what I'll stand up with him forever. He is my one true love and if he's taken away from me I know we'll meet again, I'm not whole without him <3
I know I'll be okay, I've always pulled through the hard times, I'm amazed that I haven't slipped and fallen into one of my psychosis episodes ... that's just more proof that he has to be alright, that he has to come back to me, he truly is the only one that's ever stopped me from slipping and getting ill, he's the only one that's ever brought me back from them too when I have slipped.
My flawless silent Tensh'i .... voiceless and perfect. Don't make me sleep alone ... get through this and come home Hayden.
That's all for tonight, its 8pm and I know they have started the operation now, going to lay down and guide him through it with my heart.
