my life, not yours
despite how wonderful this summer has been in many ways, i had one experience that made me realize something very big about myself.
i have never been one to stand up for myself. i take a lot of crap from people, but i've gotten better about it in the past year or so. my combacks became retaliatory quips, but i never had the guts to really make a stand when i needed to.
i got into a, let's call it a situation about a month ago in which i honest to god stood up for myself for the first time in my life. i hate conflict and fighting and everything of that nature so much, but my own person was being compromised. i felt like an area of my life was being decided by another person, or at least they were trying to do so, because of a conversation i had with someone very close to me. let's just say that the whole situation became very fucked up, to put it eloquently, and i have no idea what the real story is or what's really going on.
the point is that i stood up for myself and it made no difference. i didn't feel better. i feel like i made the problem even worse by saying something, but at the same time, i felt too threatened to not say something. my stand became the catalyst for some pretty hurtful things to be said to me. i have no idea why this situation had to become so... icky, but it did, apparently. maybe it was all a big misunderstanding. maybe it was all a big coverup, or a protection of sorts. i'll never know because i made it clear that i never want to discuss the topic with that person ever again, and i meant it.
now i don't know what to do. standing up for myself got me nowhere. it proved every point i'd made in my own head as to why i avoided conflict. unfortunately, now i have this association of standing up for myself and conflict that i hope i can break someday.
i now know that in a situation where i feel that my own person is being compromisedin some way, that i can say something in my own defense, because that's a mature thing to do. i just think it's really terrible that the first time i had the guts to do so on a real level, it blew up in my face.
i'm sure that this whole entry is very rambly and makes little sense, but i guess that i just needed to get it off my chest.
i have never been one to stand up for myself. i take a lot of crap from people, but i've gotten better about it in the past year or so. my combacks became retaliatory quips, but i never had the guts to really make a stand when i needed to.
i got into a, let's call it a situation about a month ago in which i honest to god stood up for myself for the first time in my life. i hate conflict and fighting and everything of that nature so much, but my own person was being compromised. i felt like an area of my life was being decided by another person, or at least they were trying to do so, because of a conversation i had with someone very close to me. let's just say that the whole situation became very fucked up, to put it eloquently, and i have no idea what the real story is or what's really going on.
the point is that i stood up for myself and it made no difference. i didn't feel better. i feel like i made the problem even worse by saying something, but at the same time, i felt too threatened to not say something. my stand became the catalyst for some pretty hurtful things to be said to me. i have no idea why this situation had to become so... icky, but it did, apparently. maybe it was all a big misunderstanding. maybe it was all a big coverup, or a protection of sorts. i'll never know because i made it clear that i never want to discuss the topic with that person ever again, and i meant it.
now i don't know what to do. standing up for myself got me nowhere. it proved every point i'd made in my own head as to why i avoided conflict. unfortunately, now i have this association of standing up for myself and conflict that i hope i can break someday.
i now know that in a situation where i feel that my own person is being compromisedin some way, that i can say something in my own defense, because that's a mature thing to do. i just think it's really terrible that the first time i had the guts to do so on a real level, it blew up in my face.
i'm sure that this whole entry is very rambly and makes little sense, but i guess that i just needed to get it off my chest.