(no subject)
When it comes right down to it I know about this much --> [] in a world where there is this much --> [
]
and maybe that is even stretching it. Despite the fact that I know so little I have so much to say, or maybe it's not that I have a lot to say, but that I have all of these words just clanking around inside that want to come out. None of it's good really. I went back and looked at "my book" that I tried to start. It feels so petty. It feels like everything has been said already, every niche has been filled, every experience has been experienced and thus written about and if I were to attempt it it would be like the second landing on the moon... no one cares really, all of the excitement has worn off and it's just hum drum. I look at Blue Like Jazz, the spirituality I long so desperately in my soul and say "that's me. those are my words. Donald Miller crept into my bedroom late at night and stole my thoughts and is now capitalizing on them." I would say the same for Girl Meets God, Lauren's beautiful description of growing up, growing into Judaism and then into Christianity is a story like mine, all of the experiences are different, but the essence is there and I say "God, do I have anything to offer?" I know that somehow, even if it is just a legacy left for my children, I must pen my story, the experiences that shape me and my outlook, but I can't help but wonder if it's somehow pointless in the grand scheme of things. Sigh. I really don't like my own version of drama. I think maybe it's experience I lack and hopefully I will get it someday. If I stopped to wait until I had everything figured out I would be dead.
I want to be Lucy Pevensie, but I'm deathly afraid I'll end up like Susan. I’m not happy with mediocrity; in fact my worst fear is sliding into complacency or a numb sense of reality. I would rather feel pain than nothing at all. Maybe my emotions are extreme, I’m either happy or sad or angry or melancholy and I feel them deeply. Oswald Chambers said in one of his classic daily devotions, that it’s not hard to live on the mount, the spiritual high experience isn’t hard to live by, it’s when we go down into the valley that life suddenly gets hard and we must remember what we’ve learned on the mountaintop to get us through the valley times. I feel like there are days or weeks of mountaintop experiences, but just like a drug the crash is painful. It leaves me saddened, moody and I wonder “will I ever figure this gig out?” How can I go from being joyful, excited and full of love to being depressed in just a matter of hours? It goes beyond the physical level, it’s more of a spiritual heart thing. It’s hard because I want to be the best damn Christian ever. It’s like I have a perfectionist streak in me. I want to be perfect, an admirable goal in relation to Jesus, but one that I must remember cannot be attained until after I die. In my quest for this perfection I feel drained, sometimes because I try and make myself good on my own strength and others because I realize that I will never attain this goal, in my lifetime at least. There’s a sense of hopelessness in it all, it makes me want to give up and simultaneously press on. A conundrum. And what’s hard is being surrounded by those whom I love and who love me, and yet while they claim to love Jesus they have settled for an American Dream lifestyle with its own brand of complacency. Of course they still believe, are I’m sure still working on their character and faith, but have given in to fear or what have you. I don’t want to be some middle-class rich bitch who withers away and dies inside because she lives a life of quiet desperation, of moderation, of apathy toward this whole God thing. None of the apostles went back to complacency, they pressed on. I know a guy who calls it ‘rugged faith’ and that’s what I want. Inside I’m quietly dying, sitting alone all day watching television and wondering why has God kept my support money from coming in. I want desperately to serve Him, maybe a little part of me wants adventure, too, but I feel like I could just crumble into a million pieces if I don’t do something. I can’t just watch tv for the glory of God, I have to keep following him. I do not want to have the American Dream, but it’s so hard when I feel like I’m the only one who understands. The family tries, they put on a good show, but they’re so busy worrying about money and stuff that they might be missing out on the bigger picture of life. Life is not about the neat package, the white picket fence, the respectable job, the three car garage and a God who fits neatly into the Sunday sermon and daily devotions. Life is about giving it all up, taking a wooden beam on your back and walking up the hill toward Golgotha. Life’s about sweating drops of blood and in the end giving up your will because you know that God’s will and purpose is more important. Life is about being beaten and bruised but, like a phoenix, rising from the ashes to show the awesome power of the God we worship. I don’t want to worship a God of my own design, I want to worship the living God, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.
If you made it this far you are a real trooper.
God Bless and have a wonderful Thanksgiving! (schedule some much needed nap time after you gorge yourself on turkey or tofurkey :) )
Someday all that's crazy, will be beautiful, beautiful. All that's hazy, through a clouded glass, will be clear at last...someday
]
and maybe that is even stretching it. Despite the fact that I know so little I have so much to say, or maybe it's not that I have a lot to say, but that I have all of these words just clanking around inside that want to come out. None of it's good really. I went back and looked at "my book" that I tried to start. It feels so petty. It feels like everything has been said already, every niche has been filled, every experience has been experienced and thus written about and if I were to attempt it it would be like the second landing on the moon... no one cares really, all of the excitement has worn off and it's just hum drum. I look at Blue Like Jazz, the spirituality I long so desperately in my soul and say "that's me. those are my words. Donald Miller crept into my bedroom late at night and stole my thoughts and is now capitalizing on them." I would say the same for Girl Meets God, Lauren's beautiful description of growing up, growing into Judaism and then into Christianity is a story like mine, all of the experiences are different, but the essence is there and I say "God, do I have anything to offer?" I know that somehow, even if it is just a legacy left for my children, I must pen my story, the experiences that shape me and my outlook, but I can't help but wonder if it's somehow pointless in the grand scheme of things. Sigh. I really don't like my own version of drama. I think maybe it's experience I lack and hopefully I will get it someday. If I stopped to wait until I had everything figured out I would be dead.
I want to be Lucy Pevensie, but I'm deathly afraid I'll end up like Susan. I’m not happy with mediocrity; in fact my worst fear is sliding into complacency or a numb sense of reality. I would rather feel pain than nothing at all. Maybe my emotions are extreme, I’m either happy or sad or angry or melancholy and I feel them deeply. Oswald Chambers said in one of his classic daily devotions, that it’s not hard to live on the mount, the spiritual high experience isn’t hard to live by, it’s when we go down into the valley that life suddenly gets hard and we must remember what we’ve learned on the mountaintop to get us through the valley times. I feel like there are days or weeks of mountaintop experiences, but just like a drug the crash is painful. It leaves me saddened, moody and I wonder “will I ever figure this gig out?” How can I go from being joyful, excited and full of love to being depressed in just a matter of hours? It goes beyond the physical level, it’s more of a spiritual heart thing. It’s hard because I want to be the best damn Christian ever. It’s like I have a perfectionist streak in me. I want to be perfect, an admirable goal in relation to Jesus, but one that I must remember cannot be attained until after I die. In my quest for this perfection I feel drained, sometimes because I try and make myself good on my own strength and others because I realize that I will never attain this goal, in my lifetime at least. There’s a sense of hopelessness in it all, it makes me want to give up and simultaneously press on. A conundrum. And what’s hard is being surrounded by those whom I love and who love me, and yet while they claim to love Jesus they have settled for an American Dream lifestyle with its own brand of complacency. Of course they still believe, are I’m sure still working on their character and faith, but have given in to fear or what have you. I don’t want to be some middle-class rich bitch who withers away and dies inside because she lives a life of quiet desperation, of moderation, of apathy toward this whole God thing. None of the apostles went back to complacency, they pressed on. I know a guy who calls it ‘rugged faith’ and that’s what I want. Inside I’m quietly dying, sitting alone all day watching television and wondering why has God kept my support money from coming in. I want desperately to serve Him, maybe a little part of me wants adventure, too, but I feel like I could just crumble into a million pieces if I don’t do something. I can’t just watch tv for the glory of God, I have to keep following him. I do not want to have the American Dream, but it’s so hard when I feel like I’m the only one who understands. The family tries, they put on a good show, but they’re so busy worrying about money and stuff that they might be missing out on the bigger picture of life. Life is not about the neat package, the white picket fence, the respectable job, the three car garage and a God who fits neatly into the Sunday sermon and daily devotions. Life is about giving it all up, taking a wooden beam on your back and walking up the hill toward Golgotha. Life’s about sweating drops of blood and in the end giving up your will because you know that God’s will and purpose is more important. Life is about being beaten and bruised but, like a phoenix, rising from the ashes to show the awesome power of the God we worship. I don’t want to worship a God of my own design, I want to worship the living God, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.
If you made it this far you are a real trooper.
God Bless and have a wonderful Thanksgiving! (schedule some much needed nap time after you gorge yourself on turkey or tofurkey :) )
Someday all that's crazy, will be beautiful, beautiful. All that's hazy, through a clouded glass, will be clear at last...someday