So much on my mind...
Driving through Queens we passed a beautiful cemetary, if cemetaries can accurately be called beautiful. I then saw the apartment buildings next door and said "look, those are living cemetaries." Kristy told me if that' the case then we're all living cemetaries. I like that. And I know my journal is called Gravestones for Memories, it's like each moment, each memory is eulogized through writing about it. These are the gravestones, the headstones, the cemetary for my memories. Love it. So beautiful in my mind.
Within the Christian and Missionary Alliance church women cannot be ordained as pastors but they are consecrated as pastors, a different blessing, the feminine form of ordination, same sort of responsiblities but it's different and I think special. It recognizes that women and men are created equal but that doesn't mean in order to be equal they have to be the same. Again, beautiful, recognizing that in the eyes of God we have the same standing, similar responsibilities and yet we are female...or male, and that's beautiful.
All throughout school my teachers or professors would tell us to "know your audience" when we write. And then I sit at my computer and think of my book, the thoughts that Jewel so accurately describes as "threatening the life that is inside of me" and I wonder "who is my audience?" Will I write my book, my story, for my children who might read it, for my friends who might read it, for my family, and most importantly for God, even if I don't have a formalized "audience" out in the public world that might never read it? I get scared that I might die with the words trapped inside and no one would ever really know them, and so I think it's more important to do it than to worry about getting published for real.
Some questions I'm asking myself about life, the future:
1. Do I have a problem with authority, spiritual or otherwise? And if so, what to do about it?
2. Is it okay to question everything, from the government to school leaders, pastors, current "religious" positions, and then part two is how do I question without having a rebellious heart?
3. How do I voluntarily submit to authorities (like the seminary) without feeling like I'm losing myself?
4. How do I convey the mysticism of life, of God, of this Christian Spirituality?
5. The more "I know" the more I think "I understand" I realize how little I really know, how little I truly understand...what should I do with that information?
6. Who am I? spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally, relationally, politically, etc. and is that how I'm seen? Is the image people see the true me and if not is it them or me that's in the wrong?
7. How should I deal with my own hypocrisy within my being (my mind, my soul)?
8. If I don't know what I believe about stuff, doctrines and the not so much for certain aspects of life, those grey areas that are fuzzy in my peripheral vision, then how can I talk about it or explain it if I'm not sure about it?
9. Is my lack of really die hard cheerleader enthusiasm like Mandy Moore's character on Saved, (think "I am filled with Christ's love!") an indication of a lukewarm love? What I'm getting at is: Am I ashamed of the good news of the gospel? because I don't feel like I am but does not shouting it from the rooftops or actively bringing it up in conversation mean that I'm not wanting others to know the joy and love and peace that I have and how incredibly overwhelmingly happy it makes me?
Ken asked the other day what I would write about if I could talk in front of SALT. He asked "what would you want to tell them?" but then he proceeded to finish the question by saying "what do you think they need to hear?" which is maybe different, or maybe not. I've been thinking about that. What would I say? I think I would say if God can take a shy, introverted loner girl who wanted to live in Montana with five cats, marry Grizzly Adams, and read books all day and turn her into someone who is developing a tender heart toward people, valuing the togetherness of fellowship and wanting to actively make a difference in others' lives I would say that He can use anyone. He can take them where they are in their comfortable little bubble and totally rock their world. It's not "safe" to be in the center of His will because it means there's a lot of rockin' and rollin' in the soul department, but He is Good...the epitome of Good. I have to be careful not to project my concept of goodness on Him because the only goodness we experience is really a reflection of Him. Amazing.
Kadosh
Kadosh
Kadosh
Adonai, Elohim tze va oh
Allahu Akbar
Allhamdu Allah
Praise be to God and Father Almighty, maker of Heaven and Earth and to Jesus Christ His only begotten Son...
Someday all that's crazy, all that's unexplained will be beautiful, beautiful--Nichole Nordeman
Within the Christian and Missionary Alliance church women cannot be ordained as pastors but they are consecrated as pastors, a different blessing, the feminine form of ordination, same sort of responsiblities but it's different and I think special. It recognizes that women and men are created equal but that doesn't mean in order to be equal they have to be the same. Again, beautiful, recognizing that in the eyes of God we have the same standing, similar responsibilities and yet we are female...or male, and that's beautiful.
All throughout school my teachers or professors would tell us to "know your audience" when we write. And then I sit at my computer and think of my book, the thoughts that Jewel so accurately describes as "threatening the life that is inside of me" and I wonder "who is my audience?" Will I write my book, my story, for my children who might read it, for my friends who might read it, for my family, and most importantly for God, even if I don't have a formalized "audience" out in the public world that might never read it? I get scared that I might die with the words trapped inside and no one would ever really know them, and so I think it's more important to do it than to worry about getting published for real.
Some questions I'm asking myself about life, the future:
1. Do I have a problem with authority, spiritual or otherwise? And if so, what to do about it?
2. Is it okay to question everything, from the government to school leaders, pastors, current "religious" positions, and then part two is how do I question without having a rebellious heart?
3. How do I voluntarily submit to authorities (like the seminary) without feeling like I'm losing myself?
4. How do I convey the mysticism of life, of God, of this Christian Spirituality?
5. The more "I know" the more I think "I understand" I realize how little I really know, how little I truly understand...what should I do with that information?
6. Who am I? spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally, relationally, politically, etc. and is that how I'm seen? Is the image people see the true me and if not is it them or me that's in the wrong?
7. How should I deal with my own hypocrisy within my being (my mind, my soul)?
8. If I don't know what I believe about stuff, doctrines and the not so much for certain aspects of life, those grey areas that are fuzzy in my peripheral vision, then how can I talk about it or explain it if I'm not sure about it?
9. Is my lack of really die hard cheerleader enthusiasm like Mandy Moore's character on Saved, (think "I am filled with Christ's love!") an indication of a lukewarm love? What I'm getting at is: Am I ashamed of the good news of the gospel? because I don't feel like I am but does not shouting it from the rooftops or actively bringing it up in conversation mean that I'm not wanting others to know the joy and love and peace that I have and how incredibly overwhelmingly happy it makes me?
Ken asked the other day what I would write about if I could talk in front of SALT. He asked "what would you want to tell them?" but then he proceeded to finish the question by saying "what do you think they need to hear?" which is maybe different, or maybe not. I've been thinking about that. What would I say? I think I would say if God can take a shy, introverted loner girl who wanted to live in Montana with five cats, marry Grizzly Adams, and read books all day and turn her into someone who is developing a tender heart toward people, valuing the togetherness of fellowship and wanting to actively make a difference in others' lives I would say that He can use anyone. He can take them where they are in their comfortable little bubble and totally rock their world. It's not "safe" to be in the center of His will because it means there's a lot of rockin' and rollin' in the soul department, but He is Good...the epitome of Good. I have to be careful not to project my concept of goodness on Him because the only goodness we experience is really a reflection of Him. Amazing.
Kadosh
Kadosh
Kadosh
Adonai, Elohim tze va oh
Allahu Akbar
Allhamdu Allah
Praise be to God and Father Almighty, maker of Heaven and Earth and to Jesus Christ His only begotten Son...
Someday all that's crazy, all that's unexplained will be beautiful, beautiful--Nichole Nordeman