I return only to be emo.
You know what I've figured out a big problem of mine is?
I've got this whole thing with guilt.
If they were to model a Psychonauts level after my brain, stuff like IT'S MY FAULT! or IT'S YOUR FAULT! would be plastered over the walls in big effing letters that Raz could somersault off of. Maybe that's why I can identify so well with Raz, and with Alice - imaginary guilt is the stuff that I live and breathe on.
No more bad blood in the family... Dad hates me because I'm psychic, I'm psychic and people like me killed his whole family, dad hates me, dad hates me and he wants me dead, dad wants me dead...filthy, cheating psychics...I can't help being psychic, I didn't ask for it...
My past is dead, I killed them, I should've saved them, I should've died! Her mind was in shambles...
This is the thing: I've got this constant, subconscious, lingering fear of being blamed for things. Not merely making mistakes, but being called out for them, of being yelled at, of disappointing people. Sometimes this fear gets so massve, it's choking everything else. I think that's my nightmare scenario: I'm standing in the center of a room and everyone's standing around me yelling me down what a worthless burden I am to them.
Suddenly I feel tempted to write a big epic Psychonauts fanfiction for NaNo.
What brought this up again? Well, a week or so ago the Gelsenkirchen job agency decided to cut off my monthly money. Entirely. I only found out when my landlady - whom I'm usually on good terms with! - called me up to tell me the rent hadn't come in. I checked on my online banking account, saw that literally no money had come in, and began to panic. I panicked so much that I couldn't even call my landlady to tell her what was wrong - I was too terrified of her reaction. So I called up the attendants and told them and they promised me they'd help sort it out. And of course, being me, I drove myself effing crazy thinking what I had done wrong. Because it had to be my fault. My mind is so invariably set on things being my fault that it can't encompass the idea of something not being my fault. I don't know where this comes from, exactly, but the one thing I'm always waiting for is someone to yell "This is all your fault! What did you DO?!" (Flik in A Bug's Life, anyone?) Even my parents, upon being told, insisted that it must have been an appointment I missed or a form I didn't turn in.
Enter: Nadja. (Not to be confused with Nadine) Bless that woman and her ability to calm me the fuck down. That's the thing with the attendants in general - they usually don't play the blame-game a lot, so even when I expect them to be angry at me for something, they usually aren't. Nadja pointed out that even if I had missed an appointment - something she helps me keep track of - I would've been sent a notification, and one missed appointment is not usually a reason to cut off your entire monthly income. I, of course, still felt guilty for the very fact that I depend on said income, which I don't earn myself.
So we called up at the job office, a lady checked up my case in the computer system, and found...nothing. *Marvin* Nothing at all. Not an electronic sausage.
They'd simply decided to take me off their responsibility list, so I was no longer even in their databases. And literally no one could say why. The lady on the phone - after a long time searching - said that the latest/last thing she found was a notification that I was supposed to turn in my latest disability passport, but even she remarked that's no reason to cut off someone's money.
So..gasp - this wasn't my fault? Nonsense, even in that case it had to be somehow my fault. And anyway, I'm occupying people's time, like Nadja's and that poor lady's at the job office.
Nadja, meanwhile?`Mad as all hell, and you don't want to cross this woman when she is mad as all hell. At the job office people, mind, not at me.
So yesterday we went to the job office to raise hell. Yana came along for the ride with my copy of Mogworld (awesome book) and - while we waited in line - she finished the book and fell asleep in her seat. Bless her.
One thing though, job offices rock at making you feel guilty for the very fact of existing. There were about a hundred people in a snaking, meandering line, and only two people to take care of them at the front desk. "Fuck you," the very building seems to say, "you're out of work and you're asking us for money, so you ain't got no right to complain."
Anyway, when it was finally our turn the guy in the front was pretty appalled at the whole deal - including the fact that I had to stand in line. He informed us that next time I only have to show my disability passport and I can go straight to the front. I'd prefer not doing that, though, since I figure it's unfair to the others in the line (I had the same issues countless years ago at the cafeteria at school - I was allowed to go to the front of the line. Never did.) It turns out that someone at the agency plain out forgot to send out the letter telling me about my passport, and then decided to cut off my money. What's especially delightful? The letter went out on October 5th. My money was cut off on October 1st.
Anyway, the guy fixed it all up so I'm getting my money in a few days. They did not apologize or anything, but I'm just so effing happy to be able to pay my rent, I don't even care.
And it was not my fault. None of it.
What is wrong with me?
And to lighten the mood: MOAR EPIC RAP BATTLES! They make me so happy.
As much as I adore "MJ's" dancing even here, Elvis so totally wins this. I love that they manage to imitate his "rock" voice and turned it smoothly into rap.
I got one for your monkey, and two for your clothes. Three for your family and four for your nose!
I can tell you're angry, but I can't comprehend it - I stole from black culture. Why are you offended? XD
You should've stayed in the army, dude! Even Tito looks better than you. I'm singing ah, you're singing don't be cruel, there's only one crown, baby, let the one king rule.
I hereby declare that Epic Rap Battles are the best thing on the internet. Except maybe for Yahtzee.
I've got this whole thing with guilt.
If they were to model a Psychonauts level after my brain, stuff like IT'S MY FAULT! or IT'S YOUR FAULT! would be plastered over the walls in big effing letters that Raz could somersault off of. Maybe that's why I can identify so well with Raz, and with Alice - imaginary guilt is the stuff that I live and breathe on.
No more bad blood in the family... Dad hates me because I'm psychic, I'm psychic and people like me killed his whole family, dad hates me, dad hates me and he wants me dead, dad wants me dead...filthy, cheating psychics...I can't help being psychic, I didn't ask for it...
My past is dead, I killed them, I should've saved them, I should've died! Her mind was in shambles...
This is the thing: I've got this constant, subconscious, lingering fear of being blamed for things. Not merely making mistakes, but being called out for them, of being yelled at, of disappointing people. Sometimes this fear gets so massve, it's choking everything else. I think that's my nightmare scenario: I'm standing in the center of a room and everyone's standing around me yelling me down what a worthless burden I am to them.
Suddenly I feel tempted to write a big epic Psychonauts fanfiction for NaNo.
What brought this up again? Well, a week or so ago the Gelsenkirchen job agency decided to cut off my monthly money. Entirely. I only found out when my landlady - whom I'm usually on good terms with! - called me up to tell me the rent hadn't come in. I checked on my online banking account, saw that literally no money had come in, and began to panic. I panicked so much that I couldn't even call my landlady to tell her what was wrong - I was too terrified of her reaction. So I called up the attendants and told them and they promised me they'd help sort it out. And of course, being me, I drove myself effing crazy thinking what I had done wrong. Because it had to be my fault. My mind is so invariably set on things being my fault that it can't encompass the idea of something not being my fault. I don't know where this comes from, exactly, but the one thing I'm always waiting for is someone to yell "This is all your fault! What did you DO?!" (Flik in A Bug's Life, anyone?) Even my parents, upon being told, insisted that it must have been an appointment I missed or a form I didn't turn in.
Enter: Nadja. (Not to be confused with Nadine) Bless that woman and her ability to calm me the fuck down. That's the thing with the attendants in general - they usually don't play the blame-game a lot, so even when I expect them to be angry at me for something, they usually aren't. Nadja pointed out that even if I had missed an appointment - something she helps me keep track of - I would've been sent a notification, and one missed appointment is not usually a reason to cut off your entire monthly income. I, of course, still felt guilty for the very fact that I depend on said income, which I don't earn myself.
So we called up at the job office, a lady checked up my case in the computer system, and found...nothing. *Marvin* Nothing at all. Not an electronic sausage.
They'd simply decided to take me off their responsibility list, so I was no longer even in their databases. And literally no one could say why. The lady on the phone - after a long time searching - said that the latest/last thing she found was a notification that I was supposed to turn in my latest disability passport, but even she remarked that's no reason to cut off someone's money.
So..gasp - this wasn't my fault? Nonsense, even in that case it had to be somehow my fault. And anyway, I'm occupying people's time, like Nadja's and that poor lady's at the job office.
Nadja, meanwhile?`Mad as all hell, and you don't want to cross this woman when she is mad as all hell. At the job office people, mind, not at me.
So yesterday we went to the job office to raise hell. Yana came along for the ride with my copy of Mogworld (awesome book) and - while we waited in line - she finished the book and fell asleep in her seat. Bless her.
One thing though, job offices rock at making you feel guilty for the very fact of existing. There were about a hundred people in a snaking, meandering line, and only two people to take care of them at the front desk. "Fuck you," the very building seems to say, "you're out of work and you're asking us for money, so you ain't got no right to complain."
Anyway, when it was finally our turn the guy in the front was pretty appalled at the whole deal - including the fact that I had to stand in line. He informed us that next time I only have to show my disability passport and I can go straight to the front. I'd prefer not doing that, though, since I figure it's unfair to the others in the line (I had the same issues countless years ago at the cafeteria at school - I was allowed to go to the front of the line. Never did.) It turns out that someone at the agency plain out forgot to send out the letter telling me about my passport, and then decided to cut off my money. What's especially delightful? The letter went out on October 5th. My money was cut off on October 1st.
Anyway, the guy fixed it all up so I'm getting my money in a few days. They did not apologize or anything, but I'm just so effing happy to be able to pay my rent, I don't even care.
And it was not my fault. None of it.
What is wrong with me?
And to lighten the mood: MOAR EPIC RAP BATTLES! They make me so happy.
Click to viewAs much as I adore "MJ's" dancing even here, Elvis so totally wins this. I love that they manage to imitate his "rock" voice and turned it smoothly into rap.
I got one for your monkey, and two for your clothes. Three for your family and four for your nose!
I can tell you're angry, but I can't comprehend it - I stole from black culture. Why are you offended? XD
You should've stayed in the army, dude! Even Tito looks better than you. I'm singing ah, you're singing don't be cruel, there's only one crown, baby, let the one king rule.
I hereby declare that Epic Rap Battles are the best thing on the internet. Except maybe for Yahtzee.