a year ago today i was happy
lately i've been nothing but upset and i can't put my finger on why. actually thats somewhat of a lie. i just like to pretend that things are peachy keen and i'm just being ridiculous. if i pretend long enough ... maybe one day i'll believe it.
i've been thinking alot about the past recently. about who my friends were a year ago. about who i lost and who i gained. and what i lost and what i gave up. i look at old pictures and just want to cry forever. things are so different. and not necessarily in a good way. i miss the old "gang" and all the stupid stuff we used to do. i miss sleepovers and long phone conversations and seeing eachother every single day no matter what.
i feel like i'm floating through my life with no rhyme or reason and i hate that. my life used to have a purpose and a few people knew what that was. and now its gone. by my own doing? maybe. but with good intent towards myself. although that good intent seems to be backfiring. i learned alot about myself during the process. strangely enough the more i "discover" myself ... the more i hate myself. or maybe theres someone else who hates me and led me to believe i should hate myself.
did you ever wonder what it would be like to be in someone elses shoes just for one week? one day? ... i'm sure every one has at least once. i can't remember a time in my life where i didn't want to be someone else. where i was actually content with being me. enemies and friends alike. i've always wanted to be someone other than myself. every day of my life.
......... what if i'm making a huge mistake? what if every life decision i'm making turns out to be the wrong one? if i'm bound to make a mess of my life? if i'm doomed for depression and failure? what ever happened to my optimism? that "it'll all work out in the end" and "everything happens for a reason" philosophy. i tossed it down the drain just because other people didn't believe and i confomed to thinking that maybe they were right.
i want to be happy again. not that i'm not sometimes. but other times i just want to run away or sleep forever and just leave everything behind. i can't take it all sometimes. it's too hard. i used to be so genuinely happy. and i haven't been since last summer. sorry if that offends anyone. i really am.
enough of me bitching ............. i only write on here when i want to bitch. i promise my next entry will be a happy one.
i've been thinking alot about the past recently. about who my friends were a year ago. about who i lost and who i gained. and what i lost and what i gave up. i look at old pictures and just want to cry forever. things are so different. and not necessarily in a good way. i miss the old "gang" and all the stupid stuff we used to do. i miss sleepovers and long phone conversations and seeing eachother every single day no matter what.
i feel like i'm floating through my life with no rhyme or reason and i hate that. my life used to have a purpose and a few people knew what that was. and now its gone. by my own doing? maybe. but with good intent towards myself. although that good intent seems to be backfiring. i learned alot about myself during the process. strangely enough the more i "discover" myself ... the more i hate myself. or maybe theres someone else who hates me and led me to believe i should hate myself.
did you ever wonder what it would be like to be in someone elses shoes just for one week? one day? ... i'm sure every one has at least once. i can't remember a time in my life where i didn't want to be someone else. where i was actually content with being me. enemies and friends alike. i've always wanted to be someone other than myself. every day of my life.
......... what if i'm making a huge mistake? what if every life decision i'm making turns out to be the wrong one? if i'm bound to make a mess of my life? if i'm doomed for depression and failure? what ever happened to my optimism? that "it'll all work out in the end" and "everything happens for a reason" philosophy. i tossed it down the drain just because other people didn't believe and i confomed to thinking that maybe they were right.
i want to be happy again. not that i'm not sometimes. but other times i just want to run away or sleep forever and just leave everything behind. i can't take it all sometimes. it's too hard. i used to be so genuinely happy. and i haven't been since last summer. sorry if that offends anyone. i really am.
enough of me bitching ............. i only write on here when i want to bitch. i promise my next entry will be a happy one.