[APP POST]
Character: Derek Zoolander
Series: Zoolander
Character Age: Practically a dinosaur... so 29, more or less.
Job: Instructor at Derek Zoolander's Camp For Underprivileged Children And Also Adults Who Are Underprivileged Too (Don't Worry, You're All Special)
Canon: Welcome to the real world of male models. The one they don't show you in magazines or the E channel. In this world, super-male-model Derek Zoolander is the current and reigning king, three time winner of the VH1 Male Model of the Year award, and almost too ridiculously good-looking to handle. That is... until fresh, new rival male model Hansel arrives on the scene, and Derek gets brainwashed by a cult of famous fashion designers into becoming an unwitting pawn in a plot to assassinate the Prime Minister of Malaysia.
It would be accurate to say the Derek Zoolander is a little... simple-minded. But it would be even more accurate to say that he's a raging moron--after all, this is a man who thinks to yuugooglize is to speak at funerals, and is under the impression that being bulimic means that you can read minds. For the most part, Derek comes across as a pathetic ten year old in a grown's man chiseled body. Sure, his wide repetoire of "looks" that he's known for are all exactly the same face, and he tends to get lost in his own sentences, but in an industry where fame is fleeting and you're not expected to know what 2 + 2 equals, no one seems to notice. Still, for all of Derek's idiocy and general ignorance, he means well; he's got a heart made of gold, or at the very least, gold plated. ...Maybe silver-plated. Bronze? Whatever, he knows Paris Hilton, and that's more than any of you can say.
Sample Post:
Hi, kids. This is international male model Derek Zoolander, and I'm here to talk to you today about some really important issues affecting our world and you. Sometimes, people are poor, and that's bad because then they don't have the money to buy cool cars and get career-saving botox. But here at Derek Zoolander's Camp for Underprivileged Children and Eck Setra, we're here to help. It's tough out there in the real world for everyone, not just children of underprivilege. Sure, some of us may be perfectly sculpted so that we resemble that naked statue except usually with pants on, but that doesn't mean that our lives are as perfect as our gorgeous features. Just because Donatella Versace once put a saddle on my back and made a 300 lb woman ride me like a pony for her Fall 2001 campaign, doesn't mean I don't have problems, too. But I know that together, we can help each other get over our issues. You should also remember that there is always someone with bigger problems than you. Okay, you may not have the money to buy clothes or eat food, but I'm not an ambi-turner. And at the end of the day, being skinny and in your underwear is more fashionable than not being able to turn left. We're all in the same boat, and in some ways, you're all more privileged than I am.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Ever since I got that phone call telling me about the opening of this institution in my name, I've thought to myself, "Hey, here's my opportunity to be ridiculously good looking on the inside as well as the outside." I know what you're thinking, how can someone be ridiculously good looking on the inside? Insides are full of spooky red things like livers and intestines and skeletons, and this isn't exactly Halloween. But what I just did there is called a metaphor. When I say "insides" I mean "personality" and stuff, like inside my soul. And despite what popular culture and television shows like Beverly Hills 90210 may tell you, personality is super important. And also thirty year olds don't usually attend highschool.
Not that I mean to discriminate against old people. As a counselor, I'm here to help everyone, big and small. Smart and dumb. Attractive and less attractive. And as your new big bro Derek, I'll always be around with a shoulder to cry on, a gorgeous face to stare at, and a knee to sit on, although someone told me that to avoid legal issues, no one under the age of 16 should do that last one. But that's fine, because I'm not Santa Claus. At the end of the day, we're all here for each other. I just get paid for it.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a post-monologue party to attend.
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