FIC: Perfect Timing, Castle, Beckett/Ryan, NC-17 1/2
Title: Perfect Timing
Author: Merlin's Sister
E-mail: michemerlin1@aol.com
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimers: The Castle characters are owned by the almighty ABC. Just borrowing them for a bit of fun. No point in suing me anyway. I work in the public sector.
Pairing: Beckett/Ryan
Genre: Romance.
Archive: Just ask.
Spoilers: None
Summary: "You will know when you're ready... You will know when it's right." Kevin's advice to Kate on finding love hits unexpectedly close to home.
Author's notes: Thank you to the lovely vic_amy_z for the beta, and the cheerleading of my minority shipping world.
Kate sank back into the leather of the seat, a slight hiss audible as the material gave way to the pressure of her body. She took a sip of beer from the bottle in her hand, closed her eyes and allowed the buzz of voices around her to coalesce into white noise. How could a day dealing with filing and other numerous paper-based tasks in the archives be more exhausting and stressful than a day on a case? She was going to kill Castle on his return from L.A. for whatever he had done to upset the Captain and so get her into that situation. And possibly Esposito too, for having the audacity to have gone on vacation at the same time.
At least she'd had Ryan there to help her, though even he seemed to have entertained his own dark thoughts towards the writer, collapsing into his desk chair once back at the precinct, muttering about karma, though she wasn't sure if that was his or Castle's. She had slumped into Esposito's chair next to him, considered moving to her desk to check her emails before coming up with a better idea. "Drink?" she had asked. He had perked up at that idea, sitting up and agreeing before asking, "Where do you want to go?" That had perplexed her for a moment as she really wasn't in the mood for any of the usual haunts. "There's a new place near your apartment," Ryan had ventured. "Jazz club. Not sure if that's your thing, but it's meant to be good. Can't get Esposito to go."
Esposito not wanting to go was a good sign, Kate had decided, in that he was a good indicator of places where cops liked to be. If he didn't want to go to the club then it was unlikely that there would be other cops there, and she desperately needed a break from the precinct and all that meant today.
"I don't know enough about jazz to make a call about the music," she had replied with a smile. "But somewhere new sounds good."
So they had ambled to the club, walking off the sense of confinement from the day's work. They didn't say much, but that was one of the things that Kate loved about Ryan, his capacity to be a good companion without having to utter a word, especially when he knew she needed to be quiet.
Kate opened her eyes and considered Ryan, or as they were now off duty, Kevin on the opposite side of the booth. He also sat with beer in hand, but, unlike her, he had his eyes wide open, head resting on his other hand, obviously intrigued by whatever he was watching beyond her. Her smile stretched at the sight of his eyes twinkling with curiosity, so alive. It was good to see him like that again. To see him engaged with the world after the traumas he'd faced - to lose Jenny to a shooting just before the wedding, and then to be shot himself only eighteen months later, protecting her father of all people. He had lost, understandably she knew, this sense of himself in that time, had closed in on himself. Had gone from being someone whose emotions were obvious on his face to someone even she couldn't read some days. And she hadn't realised in those days of just trying to get him through the loss of Jenny, to get herself through the closure of her mother's case and the close call with her father, of how much she'd missed him, all of him. Not until the last six months or so as he had seemed to come back to life, the emotional scar tissue around the traumas finally taking hold.
She moved so she could mirror his position, his gaze switching from whatever had intrigued him to her as she did so.
"Whatcha watching?" she asked.
He smiled at her playful tone, leaning forward as he replied, "I think this might be a place people come on dates, especially first dates. Spotted three so far."
"Really? How can you tell?" Kate asked, resisting the desire to turn around and look for herself.
"Well, to my eleven o'clock we have the classic first date stilted conversation, hide behind the menus and smile shyly at each other. Then just behind you... I think a first date after a surprise get together... you know the thing; really happy but awkward. Both of them have dropped cutlery on the floor, and they're doing that grinning at each other to reassure themselves that they will get better at the whole being together thing."
"They sound sweet," Kate commented wistfully.
"They seem it," he replied before turning his gaze away to his side and saying, "And then at your three o'clock there is one that isn't going so well. I don't think they're what the other expected."
"Oh no, not a blind date," Kate grimaced.
Kevin shrugged. "Or maybe they met online? Either way, I don't think there will be a second date."
Kate shook her head. "The joys of dating in the modern world."
"Yeah," agreed Kevin. "And people wonder why I don't want to get back out into it."
Kate immediately felt her protective hackles rise. "Have people been pushing you to start dating again?"
Kevin's eyes twinkled, though this time in amusement at her tone. "I've had the odd comment, yes, especially when I gave it a go and saw Melody those few times at the beginning of the year." His smile spread, quite possibly at the steam that Kate felt was coming from her ears. "But before you start demanding names so you can berate them, I am comfortable with it now. As a wise woman once told me, I will know when I'm ready, and have met the right person. And the people encouraging me just want me to be happy."
Kate settled herself, hearing Kevin repeat the words she had used to reassure him a few times in the last year or so. She had known that the comments encouraging him to date again had always been said in concern and with love, but she also knew like no other the trauma of losing someone to violence, and the damage it could do. She was impressed that Kevin had managed to pull himself back together so quickly, in relative terms. She wished she'd been able to do that. What things might have been different if she had?
"And you will know when you're ready too," Kevin said, as if reading her thoughts, his smile understanding as she looked up at him in surprise. Though why she continued to be surprised by his insight into her she didn't know. They had known each other now for nearly eight years, been to hell and back together, and he was the only one who seemed to truly understand why a long term, committed relationship had continued to elude her. But then, as he had pointed out once, he may have had a different experience of bereavement through violence but he understood what it did to you, the walls you had to build just to cope. He had shrugged as they spoke, commenting, "How can you maintain a relationship when it's enough just to get up and get through the day? The right time will come. The right person. You'll know it."
Of course, a lot of people had assumed that the right person was Castle. And for a time, there was a chance that he might have been. But she had never been able to quite let herself go, even when she knew how much he felt for her. She had been too damaged still, and she didn't feel it was fair to ask him to wait for some unknown time in the future when she had made peace with all that had happened to her. So when Kyra, his true love she had always felt, had reappeared after her divorce, Kate had explicitly stepped aside and encouraged him to explore the relationship. It had been awkward at first, but it had worked. Castle was happy, she was happy and in the most comfortable place she had ever known with the writer. It was a pity more people didn't understand, like Kevin did, that there were other reasons that she had not moved into her own relationship. That the wall she had built after her mother's death was not going to come down overnight once she knew the truth.
She had heard the rumours about her relationship with Kevin too. Not that too many people would dare say in front of her about them what they would say about her relationship with Castle; they respected his loss too much, and her protectiveness of her friend. But people seemed to know that he stayed regularly at her place. What they didn't appreciate was how it had come out of a desperate attempt to make sure he got some rest after he lost Jenny, when he couldn't sleep in the bed they had once shared, and even his own couch didn't allow him to rest properly. Watching a movie, sharing some food with her, and sometimes her Dad, gave him a sanctuary from people who meant well but didn't understand. And sleeping on her couch meant that at least a few times a month he did sleep properly. The fact that those evenings had continued long beyond the critical stage of his grief because she too had come to value the time together, their time, was not lost on either of them. But not something that they commented on. They had just continued to allow their relationship to grow organically and instinctively until now Kate couldn't imagine a life without him by her side. The fact she nearly had when he'd been shot still haunted her some days.
Her consideration of the past and the importance of the man in front of her was interrupted by the arrival of a waitress.
"Can I get you guys another drink? Maybe some food - specials are good tonight."
Kevin looked questioningly at her.
"Food would be good," Kate replied glancing at Kevin for confirmation that he was okay with staying.
"Sounds good to me too," he replied.
"I'll bring a couple of menus then," the waitress replied with a bright smile.
Once food had arrived and proven to be as good as advertised, talk turned more to the club.
"I didn't know you were interested in jazz," Kate commented between mouthfuls. "Is it a new thing?"
"Kinda," he replied, pausing before he continued, "Your Dad leant me a couple of CDs a while ago and just got into it from there. It's been good to have something new to find out about."
Kate nodded her understanding before picking up on the beginning of the sentence, "My Dad leant you some CDs?"
"Yeah, told me about this place too."
Kate lowered her knife and fork. "You've talked to my Dad about jazz?"
"Yeah." Kevin considered her, noticing that she'd stopped eating. "You okay with that?"
"Of course," Kate replied, feeling slightly flustered, and quickly returning to her food.
"You sure?" Kevin replied, concern in his voice. "You do know we talk?"
"Of course I do, though I never ask about what," Kate replied. She knew her Dad had offered his support to the younger man, knew that they spoke because they would pick up conversations when they all met for food. But she never asked what they spoke about, didn't want to ask either of them to break any confidences. She continued with her food before saying, "I just thought you talked about... stuff."
"Stuff?" Kevin responded, amusement obvious in his tone, and when she looked up it twinkled in his eyes again.
Kate grinned, relaxing at the sight. "Yeah, stuff."
"What kind of stuff?"
"I don't know... man stuff."
"Man stuff?" Kevin snorted. "You mean like cars, monster truck rallies..."
Kate waved the list to an end, the absurd idea of Kevin and her father discussing things like that making her laugh. "Alright, alright," she managed after a few moments, becoming more serious as she said, "I knew my Dad was into jazz, but it's always been his thing, not something he shares."
"Maybe he doesn't share because he doesn't think you're interested," Kevin replied gently and Kate didn't know if he was passing on information he'd gathered, or making a correct assumption about the situation.
"I didn't think he wanted to share it," Kate said with honesty, thinking of the times when the door to his study had closed, and the sound of lilting saxophones or sharp trumpets lay muffled behind it.
"I think if you showed some interest he would," Kevin advised.
Kate shifted in her seat, forking her salad slightly in her awkwardness. She considered herself close to her father, but this seemingly innocuous area had always remained cut off from her and she had always thought it was an area that he wanted to keep private. The thought that Kevin knew otherwise unsettled her.
"I mean, it looks like a band is setting up for tonight. We could stay. See what you think of it all. Open a conversation with him about what you hear." Kevin paused before he continued, "I think he would love to discuss it with you."
Kate lifted her head and took in Kevin's concerned face, obviously anxious about upsetting her, knowing her, and it seemed her father, far too well.
"P'raps I could tell him we came together, so he knows how I know?" she ventured.
"Sounds a plan," Kevin commented. "Assuming he knows we might talk about jazz?"
Kate could hear the teasing tone in his voice, and acknowledged it with a grin. "He is more than aware that we spend time together," she replied. "And he knows we talk about a lot of stuff."
Kevin returned her grin. "Good. Don't want any misunderstandings." He picked up his knife and fork before putting them back down again. "Just to clarify, we're staying?"
Kate picked her own fork up. "Yes, I would like to stay, and find out what you boys have been talking about. If you're okay with that?"
Kevin smiled his agreement before tucking into his food again, Kate following suit a few moments later, the silence companionable again until Kate saw Kevin's head go up.
"What?" she asked.
"How bad would a first date have to go for you to slap the other person?" he asked, his gaze to her right.
"Pretty bad," Kate replied, turning to follow his gaze where the couple on the bad date were raising their voices, the woman trying to stalk away before being grabbed by the man.
Kevin was on his feet in moments, cop and gentleman combining as he stepped between the two of them. Kate followed quickly taking position by the woman who was shaking, obviously upset by whatever had happened.
"Hey buddy, why don't you cool it down?" Kevin said in his best soothing tone.
"Why don't you go fuck yourself?" the man replied viciously.
"No need for that," Kevin replied, cop calm kicking in.
"Well, this slut there is all the reason I need," the man replied, pushing to get passed Kevin, who merely held his ground.
"Watch the language," Kevin replied, some of his patience going.
"Yeah, who's going to make me?"
Kevin flashed his badge at the man. "Me and my colleagues in the NYPD. Now, why don't you leave this lady alone, go home and cool down?"
The man looked like he was about to argue before good sense kicked in. With one last glare at the woman next to Kate he stomped off through the bar.
"Nice work," Kate commented.
"Thanks," Kevin replied with a smile. "Took me back to my uniform days."
Kate smiled her own reply before turning to the woman who hadn't moved. Glancing her concern at Kevin she asked the woman, "Are you okay?"
A forced smile appeared on the other woman's face. "Fine, thanks. Just a bit shaken."
"Why don't you come and sit at our table for a few minutes, just until you've caught your breath?"
"No, I'm fine," insisted the other woman. "And I've already interrupted your meal." She glanced around her. "Not to mention giving everyone else a show."
"Please, it's no bother," Kate insisted. When she saw the slight hesitation she continued, "I'm Kate, this is Kevin. We'd feel better if we knew you were okay."
"Well, if you're sure," she replied.
Kate led the way back to the table, following the booths curve so that she sat now next to Kevin, the woman taking her previous seat opposite.
"I'm Jeanette, by the way," the woman said after a few moments before taking a sip of water from the glass discreetly provided by the waitress. She considered the glass before continuing, "It was just meant to be another date, didn't expect it go like this." She shook her head. "Should've walked out the moment I met him, it didn't feel right. They always say to listen to your instincts about these things."
"They?" queried Kate.
"Oh, I'm a member of a couple of online dating sites. Lots of safety advice on them. Meet in crowded places, that sort of stuff. But I never expected anything bad to happen. Everyone I've met has been so nice, though obviously not the *one*." She shrugged and laughed slightly self deprecatingly. She lifted her eyes and looked at Kate and her companion.
"Must be nice to meet someone through work... like you guys. Get to know each other before you fall in love."
Kate knew she had surprise on her face, probably Kevin too. Fortunately, Jeanette misunderstood the reason saying, "I know you didn't show your badge, Kate, but I can tell you're a cop too."
Kate glanced at Kevin, who wisely kept his eyes averted, before deciding that disabusing Jeanette of the nature of their relationship wasn't needed; she'd had a bad enough evening without being embarrassed any further by their protestations. "Well, they say we find it hard to disguise."
Jeanette laughed slightly in response before commenting, "If only my ability to spot things in other people extended to finding a relationship."
"You didn't pick up on any problems with that guy when online?" Kevin asked, his apparent curiosity tempered by gentle concern.
"Not really," Jeanette replied, "But I was trying to go for someone different to normal, seeing if that would lead to something different. So maybe I missed something."
"Well, talking online doesn't give you a full impression of someone," Kate said in reassurance. "It won't be until you meet that you get the full picture."
Jeanette nodded. "I just wish I knew what I missed though for it to be so wrong."
"He might just be really good at hiding the less favourable bits," Kate offered. "You may not have missed anything."
"I suppose so," Jeanette replied. "It's just... this dating thing, it's so hard."
"Well, you have to make decisions so quickly," Kevin said reassuringly. "You have to make calls before you even get a chance to know someone properly. Not to mention constantly putting yourself out there; that takes courage."
Another soft laugh and Jeanette replied, "When you say it like that it's no wonder it feels like such hard work."
Kevin smiled. "But I'm sure it will pay off soon. You don't strike me as someone who will be alone for long."
Jeanette laughed out loud this time. "Thank you. It's nice to have someone say that... especially tonight." She glanced at Kate. "Is he always like this?"
Kevin looked slightly confused at the comment, which made Kate smile. He truly didn't appreciate what he did; his words of comfort and understanding out before he realised what he was doing a lot of the time, an instinct she knew he had to fight as a cop when professional distance was called for. She had lost count of the times that his reassurances had made her feel better, and, as they had grown closer over the last few years, sometimes incredibly special as well.
"Pretty much," Kate replied, her smile spreading at the slight blush on Kevin's cheek, the redness deepening as she continued, "in all the time I've known him at least. He is the sweetest, kindest man that I know. And I've never seen anything change that." Kate considered the truth in her words. Even in the depth of his grief after losing Jenny he had never lost himself so far that he couldn't still be that person. Yes, he had been different, yes, it was noticeable that his fuse was shorter, especially when he wasn't sleeping, he was human after all. But he had never been less than what he was, and she admired him for that, loved him for that, in fact.
Jeanette turned her gaze on Kevin. "You're very lucky, Kate."
"I know." Kate's voice was softer than she intended, and Kevin turned to look at her. For a pleasantly uncomfortable moment, she felt the full force of Kevin's gaze and she had to resist the temptation to reach up and caress his cheek in recognition of whatever was passing between them.
"Okay, I am definitely interrupting now," Jeanette said with a slight laugh, her voice breaking through, bringing them both fully back to the club. "I should get home."
Kevin stepped out of the booth with her. "I'll see you to a cab."
"No, I'm fine," Jeanette replied, embarrassment returning before a thought obviously hit her. "You don't think he's waiting for me outside?"
"Probably not," Kevin replied. "But this way I can make sure." He gestured for Jeanette to lead the way, glancing back with a smile at Kate before he followed the other woman out.
Kate watched them leave before sinking back into the seat. When people had assumed that she and Castle were together she had always felt a deep desire to deny it. She had never been completely sure why, apart from the fact that she hated people making assumptions about her, including Castle himself in the early days. But this hadn't been the first time people had assumed she was with Kevin either, yet she never reacted in the same way. Each time she was surprised because she never thought that they were giving out that sort of vibe. Although she had a definite reason for not responding tonight, she also never reacted at other times, except maybe to mentally roll her eyes at the thought that people assumed a man and woman couldn't just be friends. She simply wasn't offended that people would think that they were together. How could she be? Kevin was a kind, honest man, who she was proud to call her friend. And she would have to be blind to not notice his good looks, or see the way women, and occasionally men, would respond to him. It wasn't like they didn't make an attractive couple. And if his flightiness had settled with age and experience from when she had first met him, all the better.
But the big factor for her, if she was honest, was the fact he never seemed to have any assumptions about their relationship; there never was a hidden agenda, or macho positioning. He valued her, all of her, and she liked that. Not that other men didn't, Castle especially had grown in that respect. But Kevin had always done that from the moment they had met.
She considered the way she had responded to Kevin's gaze on her. Her reaction had been an intimate one, and only her best sense of self-control had stopped her reaching out and caressing him like she wanted to. It wasn't like they didn't touch - friendly pats on shoulders, hugs of celebration and consolation - but there was a line that there seemed a mutual agreement not to cross. Like the desire she had occasionally to curl up, head on his shoulder, when they were watching a movie. That was what couples did, and they were not a couple. But it was tempting sometimes, their sense of intimacy short circuiting normal expectations of behaviour.
What if it all meant something else?
Kate shook her head at the way her thoughts had been going. Too many thoughts. She was here to relax, have some food and spend time with a friend. Nothing more.
Thinking of food... she pulled her meal over to her. The salad was large and despite her best attempts she had only just started to make a dent in it. She glanced at Kevin's meal, a more traditional cop meal of burger and fries. And onion rings. They looked really good. But his portion was also large, and he was only a third of the way through. She glanced at her salad and back at the fries. She should have ordered a side order of fries to go with it, the size of her meal the only thing stopping her when it arrived. She looked up to see if Kevin was returning so she could ask for some of his fries; even he couldn't eat all of what was on his plate. But when he didn't appear she considered something else. He could be a while out there getting a cab for Jeanette. The fries would be getting cold. And he wouldn't notice if there were a few less than when he left.
Kate considered where her thoughts were going. She chided herself for thinking such a thing, when Kevin was out there being a gentleman and helping someone. But the smell...
Reaching over she grabbed a few fries off his plate, and was popping them into her mouth when Kevin rounded the corner to their booth, catching her in the act. Kate had the decency to look slightly guilty as he slid into the seat next to her. He pulled his plate purposefully away from her, but there was entertainment in his voice as he said, "Jeanette may have thought we were boyfriend-girlfriend, but that doesn't mean you get girlfriend privileges."
Kate swallowed the fries. "Sorry, but they were just so tempting."
"Should've ordered your own."
"I know," Kate replied, leaving her gaze on her companion. It only took a few moments before he crumpled.
Pushing his plate towards her he said, "Go on."
"No, I couldn't."
Kevin gave her a look.
"Okay, obviously I could," Kate said. "But I would prefer to offer a swap. Some salad for one of your onion rings?"
"I choose the salad," Kevin counter proposed.
"Deal."
Kevin offered his plate to Kate and she neatly stabbed an onion ring with her fork. She started to munch on the offering as Kevin selected what he wanted from her plate. As she started to register how much he was taking she called out, "Hey, how much is an onion ring worth?"
"High value item," replied Kevin in mock seriousness, and took some more.
"No, no... Okay you've tipped into owing me some fries," Kate said, making a stab for some. Kevin tried to deflect her, and all of a sudden they were in a food fight of their own, forks at the ready until both of their plates resembled the other and they were leaning against the back of the booth, both laughing out loud.
As their laughter subsided Kate relaxed further, allowing herself to slide slightly down in her seat, her arms going above her as she stretched into the relaxation.
"I think this is the best I've felt all day," she commented.
"And all it took was a food fight," Kevin replied with a grin, turning his head to look at her, Kate turning hers to meet him. And once again their gazes locked. This time the balance of uncomfortable and pleasure tipped significantly towards pleasure. Kate could feel the same desire as only a little while ago to reach up and caress Kevin's cheek. This time she let her control go, her hand reaching up to trace slowly the curve of Kevin's jaw, her thumb tracing across the slight stubble. Her other hand, rested close to Kevin's before, without conscious thought, their fingers found each other, twining together, as the two friends started to lose the world to the intense intimacy of the moment.
Kate could feel a slight sense of panic bubbling somewhere deep inside her, part of her brain challenging her to justify what she was doing, the sudden realisation where this moment could lead hitting her. But the greater part of her didn't want to move, didn't want to break away from what was happening.
He is your friend, part of her brain supplied.
Yes, but he could be so much more.
For a moment she allowed herself to wonder what it would be like to kiss, to feel his body under her hands, to take their relationship to places that she had always tried very hard not to consider. Especially considering her track record with men. Would she really risk everything they had for a relationship that increased the very chances of what she feared - not having him by her side.
You will know when you're ready, Kevin had said. You will know when it's right.
Could the answer to that conundrum be here, tonight, with the man whose blue-eyed gaze held hers so strongly? The one man who understood?
"Everything okay here?"
The waitress' bright voice cut through the moment, making both Kate and Kevin start. If she had any awareness of what she had interrupted she showed no sign. The unusual plates of food though caught her attention.
"Sorry," said Kate with a smile, pulling herself back up. "We've made a bit of a mess."
The smile was as bright as the voice. "That's okay. You'll be amazed how many couples end up with plates like this." She turned to go. "Let me know if you need anything."
They watched her move away before Kevin commented, "Second time tonight we've been called a couple."
"Yeah, I know."
"You okay with that?"
"Always am."
He turned to look at her, slight surprise on his face. "When people made assumptions about you and a certain other person you were always upset."
Kate shrugged. "It's different with you."
Kevin was quite obviously doing his own processing on what was happening. But all Kate could think about was the fact that their hands were still entwined. And the sharp sense of loss when Kevin pulled his away.
"We ought to finish our food," he said softly. "As it's quite literally 'our' food." He flashed a smile, which Kate bravely returned, unsettled at the sense of rejection that was running through her at Kevin's decision to move. Until moments later he put his knife down and placed his hand over hers, his thumb caressing hers. Kate looked up at him, and returned the warm smile he gave her.
"I just need to eat," he explained.
Kate felt her smile spread at the obvious genuine nature of his words.
"You can have another onion ring if you want?" he offered.
As gestures of affection went, Kate considered it to be a high one. Taking the proffered item she munched on it, watching as Kevin tucked into the one item left untouched by their food turf war, the burger.
After a few minutes companionable eating Kevin pushed his plate away and leant back into the seat with a contented sigh.
"Better?" Kate asked, pushing her own plate away.
Kevin nodded his reply before adding, "Got to keep my strength up."
Kate shifted slightly as her brain took his words somewhere she wasn't used to having them go. If Kevin was aware of this he didn't show it. Instead he said, "There's going to be dancing."
"Dancing?"
"The band tonight is a swing band, so the floor is going to be cleared for dancing. I found out when I was out helping Jeanette get a cab."
"Dancing," Kate repeated.
Kevin looked at her with curiosity. "You don't like dancing?"
Kate shifted in slight embarrassment before replying, "Not so much dislike, but be useless at it."
"But I've seen you dance in nightclubs."
"Yeah, but that's unstructured dancing... this will need me to know steps, and I tend to only find the steps that end up on my partner's feet."
Kevin snorted his entertainment at that image.
"Finding this funny, Detective Ryan?" Kate asked in her best senior detective voice, her grin giving away her own amusement.
"Me? Never, Detective Beckett," Kevin replied. He turned to look at her. "I just don't get it. I mean you can kick box, and you wear those heels of yours so you can move okay."
"What can I say? I'm a danger on the dance floor. If you want to dance then you're probably safer asking someone else."
His eyes flashed disappointment, and his words come closest to saying to both of them that something was shifting in their relationship tonight. "I think I would only want to dance with you."
Kate found her heart was thudding harder than normal, and a smile was trying to break out on her face, but she knew she may have hurt him with her deflection of potential embarrassment. She kept her voice light as she said, "In which case you may be able to persuade me, but on your own toes be it."
He brightened, grinning as he said, "I think I can take it."
Okay, her heart was definitely thudding harder than normal now. Fight or flight responses to the situation trying to kick in.
But she knew she didn't want to run.
She took a deep breath to calm her body down, distracting herself with her own curiosity about Kevin's interest in dancing, "How come you know how to dance?"
"Three older sisters," Kevin replied, a slightly embarrassed grin this time. "All of whom discovered dancing just as the boys of their age were completely embarrassed by the idea. Baby brother proved to be a useful practice partner."
Kate was completely tickled by the idea. "Oh, you would have been so adorable."
"Yes, yes, alright," Kevin replied, his embarrassment growing. He took a sip of his drink. "Mind you, came in useful when I was older."
"Useful? Kevin Ryan, don't tell me you used such a skill to charm girls when they least expected it."
A look of mischief flashed across his face before he admitted, "Hey, I had to have something to drag me out of the 'you're sweet, but just a friend' group."
Kate considered his words. If they had met at High School she would have probably thought that of him, the maturity to appreciate what he had, what he could give, missing.
Now?
She liked what he had, what he could give, a lot.
She realised she wanted to find out what else there was.
And that probably meant something she hadn't been ready to consider until now. In this club. In this moment.
That there was every chance that somewhere along the line she had started to fall in love with her friend.
And that should really be freaking her out more than it was.
You will know when you're ready, Kevin had said. You will know when it's right.
Was it that simple?
"Let me clear that for you." The voice of the waitress was bright and cheerful again forcing a pause in Kate's train of thought. As she worked she asked, "So, are you staying for the band? There's going to be dancing, and you two strike me as good dancers."
"Well, one of us is," Kate replied with a smile at Kevin. "I will be trying to not take out too many toes in the process."
"In which case, trust him and just follow his lead," said the waitress, lifting their plates up. "You can't go too far wrong with that."
As she left Kevin leant closer to Kate, his voice soft as he said, "We don't have to stay for the dancing, not if you're uncomfortable about it."
"No, I want to stay," Kate insisted. "I just really am not good at anything above a shuffle around a floor together, that's all."
"Well, if that's all we manage that's fine," Kevin replied before adding, "Unless you would prefer me to dance with someone else."
"No!"
Her protest was out so fast she startled both of them.
She shifted before quickly offering, "Unless you want to dance with someone else?"
"I only want to dance with you," Kevin reassured her.
"Good."
"Fine."
They both shifted slightly at the unspoken conversation beneath their words.
Okay, maybe she was freaking out a bit.
To her surprise, she sought out Kevin's hand, his in turn wrapping reassuringly around hers before he lifted it, placing the gentlest of kisses on it.
If another man had done that Kate would have dismissed it as suave and manufactured. But she knew Kevin was incapable of such insincere charm. She knew how genuine such a gesture was, and she didn't know if the giddiness came from the rush of pleasure or relief that they seemed to be keeping pace with each other in whatever was happening.
That he could be realising he was in love with her too.
The band's arrival a few minutes later prompted a quick response from some of the other customers, regulars probably by the lead singer's response to them, as they came up on to the floor. Kate stomach contracted slightly at the thought that would mean she might be up there embarrassing herself with experienced dancers. But although good, it was soon clear that even the most enthusiastic of the dancers were amateurs, and Kate felt herself relax. She leant forward to see if she could pick up any tips that might allow a greater chance for her not to take out any of Kevin's toes. But as she watched, what struck her most was the sense of fun between the partners. And that although there were people just dancing, there were also couples, hands sliding comfortably around bodies as they pulled in close before spinning off out in time to the music, understanding and synchronicity.
She sat back in her seat, glancing at Kevin as she did so. Their hands hadn't left each other but he hadn't pulled her out to the floor. And he wasn't going to, Kate realised, unless she made it explicit what she wanted.
"So, are you going to ask me to dance then?"
Kevin turned to look at her, his face showing a flash of confusion before he realised the playful tone in her voice.
"You want me to ask you to dance?" he asked.
Kate nodded.
For a moment he considered her, leaving Kate slightly uncertain, before he slid out from the booth. As he reached his hand back towards hers he asked, "Kate Beckett, would you do me the honour of this dance?"
Kate grinned, the playful sparkle in Kevin's eyes, reflecting both their moods. She reached out her hand to join his as she slid out from the booth. They had taken a few steps towards the dance floor before she spun back to the table, quickly kicking her heels off to lie under the seat. As she rejoined Kevin she replied to his questioning look, "Don't want to pierce your toes as well as squash them."
The dance floor felt cold underneath her stockinged feet, but that was quickly forgotten in the warmth of Kevin wrapping one arm around her waist, their bodies coming in closer as they started to move to the rhythm of the music. All went well until they attempted, as Kate predicted, anything more ambitious than a general shuffle around the floor. After she had stumbled over his feet a third time he pulled them up.
"Sorry," she said. "I really don't know why I find this so hard."
"Did you go to a girls' school?"
Kate looked at Kevin in surprise as the seeming non-relevance of the question.
"No. Why?"
"I was wondering if that was where you learnt to dance. You're trying to lead."
"I'm not."
"You are."
Kate opened her mouth to argue again but decided instead to ask, "How do you know?"
"You're fighting me when we move."
"I don't mean to."
Kevin smiled. "I know you don't. And it's not a criticism, but it makes it hard to do dance moves based on the man leading if you're trying to do that as well."
"It's just instinctive."
"I know." His voice softened as he continued, "And off this dance floor you know you can lead me wherever you want, but here you need to let me take charge."
Kate contemplated Kevin as his words stumbled across more truths in what was starting to shimmer between them, the obvious fact of his comfort with her strength and tendency to take charge strangely exhilarating.
Kevin pulled her back in close. "Just relax, follow my lead."
Kate nodded and started to move with him, trying to force her brain to rest its attempt to logically work out where they should move whilst tuning into where Kevin's body was taking her. She stumbled again, letting out a gasp of frustration.
"It's okay," Kevin said. "Keep going." He pulled her in closer, his body hot against hers as he started to move them down the side of the floor, the bounce of the music at odds with the way Kate was suddenly hyperaware of how close they were, and how their bodies were starting to move in synch. She risked lifting her eyes to his, finding them strangely, deliciously dark. She leant in closer, allowing her body to feel all the movements of his, all worries about stumbling gone, her body and eyes telling her all that she needed to know.
The music changed bringing them to a disappointing stop before Kevin picked it up again, asking only, "Want to try something more ambitious?" Kate nodded, unwilling to answer any other way for fear of breaking the moment. Kevin picked up the speed with the beat of the song, leaning forward to explain what he was about to do and before Kate knew it she was spinning out and back to him, a minor stumble the only casualty of breaking their contact. She only had time to snort some laughter before he spun her out again. This time she made it back with minimal mistiming, her body making a firm impact on his as he pulled her back in close. He repeated the move, her return smooth, though she couldn't say controlled, this time wrapping her arm more firmly around his neck to steady her return, the bonus effect of meeting his eyes spine-tingling. Soon though, Kate found she could predict the move, relaxing into it, her smile as broad as Kevin's as they spun, swung, and moved to the exhilarating beat, hands and bodies touching, eyes meeting with intoxicating regularity. The songs changed but Kate found she now didn't worry about it, trusting Kevin to pick up the good moves to use, trusting him to lead her through it, trusting that whatever happened she would end up back in his arms, her eyes locked with his. So when the call from the band came to take fifteen, Kate was disappointed. She didn't want to stop, even for a moment; she hadn't felt this alive for so long.
Keeping hold of Kevin's hand she led the way back to the booth, pausing as she went to sit down when Kevin broke the grasp.
"I just need to use the little detective's room," he said. "Can you get me a soda when the waitress comes around?"
"Sure," Kate replied.
"Plenty of ice," he called as he headed away, a cheeky grin thrown back over his shoulder.
Kate grinned back, the thought that they might both need cooling down a little, making her happier than it should.
When the waitress appeared with her customary efficiency she said, "You two looked good out there."
"Eventually," Kate replied with a knowing grin.
"Yeah, but you got there. Told you just to relax and follow his lead, didn't I?"
"That you did," Kate replied. "Best advice I've had for a long time."
"Well, he strikes me as one of the good ones. If you can't trust him, who can you trust?"
As she left, Kate considered her words. She did trust Kevin completely, always had. Perhaps that had been why she had been able to talk to him so easily once she'd got to know him. Perhaps the chink in her wall had been starting then. The foundations of that wall had taken a good pounding as she had put events in her life to rest, wobbling but remaining up. Until now.
You will know when you are ready. You will know when it's right.
This whole evening had felt right. The moment they had set out to come here. Maybe they hadn't been conscious of the changes in their relationship. Maybe this was their subconscious at work. But whatever it was... coming here, spending time together, at the right time, free of their partners' observance, maybe that was what they had been waiting for. They just hadn't realised it.
Kevin arrived back, sliding easily into the booth next to her. He took a long drink from the ice-cold soda before leaning back against the seat, turning slightly to look at her.
"So, still think you can't dance?"
Kate turned from her own drink to mirror his body, trying to not let her eyes linger on his lips as she replied, "I think I just needed to find the right partner." She lifted her eyes to meet his, the twinkle of pleasure obvious in them. He lifted her hand to his mouth for another soft kiss, an action this time that made the tightening in her belly very obvious. A silence fell over them, but it was comfortable, almost needed, as they caught their physical and emotional breath.
Kate closed her eyes, the voices and sensations from the bar blurring once again into white noise, this time the only sensation obvious to her the warm hand of Kevin rather than a cold beer. After a few moments, she opened her eyes, finding Kevin's gaze once again looking out. Aware that she was back with him he said, "One of the couples is leaving."
Kate leant forward, curious. "Which one?"
"The one I thought had got together unexpectedly," he replied, pausing before continuing with his thought out loud. "I wonder how they knew. I mean, did they know things had changed or did it come out of the blue?"
He turned his eyes back on her, and Kate sensed the questioned being mirrored about them. "Or perhaps things had changed and they just didn't realise it until the right moment," she replied trying to answer both questions. She tore her gaze from Kevin's to focus on the safe topic of the other couple. "Either way they seem happy."
"Yeah, they do," Kevin replied, his voice bringing her focus back to him before she dipped her head, suddenly, inexplicably shy, the thought that if what seemed to be happening truly was happening, if it worked... how happy could they be?
She lifted her head back up, his smile understanding as their gazes met again. Her lips parted as if to say something, but she didn't know what. The band fortunately saved her from thinking any more about it, striking up a new song, her expression quickly answering Kevin's about whether she wanted to go back out. Taking her hand Kevin led the way back onto the dance floor, both of them rediscovering their rhythm together quickly. The swirls of music and movement kept either of them from showing any conscious awareness of the barriers that were being broken down; the ease of touching now shorthand for all that was changing. So much so that when the music slowed, and they pulled in close for a more familiar slow dance, neither of them questioned staying on the floor.
Kate wrapped her arm further around Kevin's neck, her forehead resting on his, closing her eyes to savour the rock and gentle sway of their dance. The singer's voice was soulful, the deep bass of the slow beat vibrating through them, they moved as if it was the most natural thing in the world for them to be this close. Kate lifted her head up slightly, her eyes now instinctively finding Kevin's, the deepest colour of the waves meeting hers. The music was building, the crescendo of a break matching a rush of building temptation. Her eyes fell to his lips before returning to his gaze, knowing the hunger and uncertainty in his eyes was reflected in her own before, with an ease they had found in their dance moves, they leant in fully to each other, their lips touching in the softest of initial kisses. Kate's eyes fluttered shut, the kiss deepening tenderly, Kevin maintaining the sway of the dance so all Kate could feel was the sensation of them being together.
Author: Merlin's Sister
E-mail: michemerlin1@aol.com
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimers: The Castle characters are owned by the almighty ABC. Just borrowing them for a bit of fun. No point in suing me anyway. I work in the public sector.
Pairing: Beckett/Ryan
Genre: Romance.
Archive: Just ask.
Spoilers: None
Summary: "You will know when you're ready... You will know when it's right." Kevin's advice to Kate on finding love hits unexpectedly close to home.
Author's notes: Thank you to the lovely vic_amy_z for the beta, and the cheerleading of my minority shipping world.
Kate sank back into the leather of the seat, a slight hiss audible as the material gave way to the pressure of her body. She took a sip of beer from the bottle in her hand, closed her eyes and allowed the buzz of voices around her to coalesce into white noise. How could a day dealing with filing and other numerous paper-based tasks in the archives be more exhausting and stressful than a day on a case? She was going to kill Castle on his return from L.A. for whatever he had done to upset the Captain and so get her into that situation. And possibly Esposito too, for having the audacity to have gone on vacation at the same time.
At least she'd had Ryan there to help her, though even he seemed to have entertained his own dark thoughts towards the writer, collapsing into his desk chair once back at the precinct, muttering about karma, though she wasn't sure if that was his or Castle's. She had slumped into Esposito's chair next to him, considered moving to her desk to check her emails before coming up with a better idea. "Drink?" she had asked. He had perked up at that idea, sitting up and agreeing before asking, "Where do you want to go?" That had perplexed her for a moment as she really wasn't in the mood for any of the usual haunts. "There's a new place near your apartment," Ryan had ventured. "Jazz club. Not sure if that's your thing, but it's meant to be good. Can't get Esposito to go."
Esposito not wanting to go was a good sign, Kate had decided, in that he was a good indicator of places where cops liked to be. If he didn't want to go to the club then it was unlikely that there would be other cops there, and she desperately needed a break from the precinct and all that meant today.
"I don't know enough about jazz to make a call about the music," she had replied with a smile. "But somewhere new sounds good."
So they had ambled to the club, walking off the sense of confinement from the day's work. They didn't say much, but that was one of the things that Kate loved about Ryan, his capacity to be a good companion without having to utter a word, especially when he knew she needed to be quiet.
Kate opened her eyes and considered Ryan, or as they were now off duty, Kevin on the opposite side of the booth. He also sat with beer in hand, but, unlike her, he had his eyes wide open, head resting on his other hand, obviously intrigued by whatever he was watching beyond her. Her smile stretched at the sight of his eyes twinkling with curiosity, so alive. It was good to see him like that again. To see him engaged with the world after the traumas he'd faced - to lose Jenny to a shooting just before the wedding, and then to be shot himself only eighteen months later, protecting her father of all people. He had lost, understandably she knew, this sense of himself in that time, had closed in on himself. Had gone from being someone whose emotions were obvious on his face to someone even she couldn't read some days. And she hadn't realised in those days of just trying to get him through the loss of Jenny, to get herself through the closure of her mother's case and the close call with her father, of how much she'd missed him, all of him. Not until the last six months or so as he had seemed to come back to life, the emotional scar tissue around the traumas finally taking hold.
She moved so she could mirror his position, his gaze switching from whatever had intrigued him to her as she did so.
"Whatcha watching?" she asked.
He smiled at her playful tone, leaning forward as he replied, "I think this might be a place people come on dates, especially first dates. Spotted three so far."
"Really? How can you tell?" Kate asked, resisting the desire to turn around and look for herself.
"Well, to my eleven o'clock we have the classic first date stilted conversation, hide behind the menus and smile shyly at each other. Then just behind you... I think a first date after a surprise get together... you know the thing; really happy but awkward. Both of them have dropped cutlery on the floor, and they're doing that grinning at each other to reassure themselves that they will get better at the whole being together thing."
"They sound sweet," Kate commented wistfully.
"They seem it," he replied before turning his gaze away to his side and saying, "And then at your three o'clock there is one that isn't going so well. I don't think they're what the other expected."
"Oh no, not a blind date," Kate grimaced.
Kevin shrugged. "Or maybe they met online? Either way, I don't think there will be a second date."
Kate shook her head. "The joys of dating in the modern world."
"Yeah," agreed Kevin. "And people wonder why I don't want to get back out into it."
Kate immediately felt her protective hackles rise. "Have people been pushing you to start dating again?"
Kevin's eyes twinkled, though this time in amusement at her tone. "I've had the odd comment, yes, especially when I gave it a go and saw Melody those few times at the beginning of the year." His smile spread, quite possibly at the steam that Kate felt was coming from her ears. "But before you start demanding names so you can berate them, I am comfortable with it now. As a wise woman once told me, I will know when I'm ready, and have met the right person. And the people encouraging me just want me to be happy."
Kate settled herself, hearing Kevin repeat the words she had used to reassure him a few times in the last year or so. She had known that the comments encouraging him to date again had always been said in concern and with love, but she also knew like no other the trauma of losing someone to violence, and the damage it could do. She was impressed that Kevin had managed to pull himself back together so quickly, in relative terms. She wished she'd been able to do that. What things might have been different if she had?
"And you will know when you're ready too," Kevin said, as if reading her thoughts, his smile understanding as she looked up at him in surprise. Though why she continued to be surprised by his insight into her she didn't know. They had known each other now for nearly eight years, been to hell and back together, and he was the only one who seemed to truly understand why a long term, committed relationship had continued to elude her. But then, as he had pointed out once, he may have had a different experience of bereavement through violence but he understood what it did to you, the walls you had to build just to cope. He had shrugged as they spoke, commenting, "How can you maintain a relationship when it's enough just to get up and get through the day? The right time will come. The right person. You'll know it."
Of course, a lot of people had assumed that the right person was Castle. And for a time, there was a chance that he might have been. But she had never been able to quite let herself go, even when she knew how much he felt for her. She had been too damaged still, and she didn't feel it was fair to ask him to wait for some unknown time in the future when she had made peace with all that had happened to her. So when Kyra, his true love she had always felt, had reappeared after her divorce, Kate had explicitly stepped aside and encouraged him to explore the relationship. It had been awkward at first, but it had worked. Castle was happy, she was happy and in the most comfortable place she had ever known with the writer. It was a pity more people didn't understand, like Kevin did, that there were other reasons that she had not moved into her own relationship. That the wall she had built after her mother's death was not going to come down overnight once she knew the truth.
She had heard the rumours about her relationship with Kevin too. Not that too many people would dare say in front of her about them what they would say about her relationship with Castle; they respected his loss too much, and her protectiveness of her friend. But people seemed to know that he stayed regularly at her place. What they didn't appreciate was how it had come out of a desperate attempt to make sure he got some rest after he lost Jenny, when he couldn't sleep in the bed they had once shared, and even his own couch didn't allow him to rest properly. Watching a movie, sharing some food with her, and sometimes her Dad, gave him a sanctuary from people who meant well but didn't understand. And sleeping on her couch meant that at least a few times a month he did sleep properly. The fact that those evenings had continued long beyond the critical stage of his grief because she too had come to value the time together, their time, was not lost on either of them. But not something that they commented on. They had just continued to allow their relationship to grow organically and instinctively until now Kate couldn't imagine a life without him by her side. The fact she nearly had when he'd been shot still haunted her some days.
Her consideration of the past and the importance of the man in front of her was interrupted by the arrival of a waitress.
"Can I get you guys another drink? Maybe some food - specials are good tonight."
Kevin looked questioningly at her.
"Food would be good," Kate replied glancing at Kevin for confirmation that he was okay with staying.
"Sounds good to me too," he replied.
"I'll bring a couple of menus then," the waitress replied with a bright smile.
Once food had arrived and proven to be as good as advertised, talk turned more to the club.
"I didn't know you were interested in jazz," Kate commented between mouthfuls. "Is it a new thing?"
"Kinda," he replied, pausing before he continued, "Your Dad leant me a couple of CDs a while ago and just got into it from there. It's been good to have something new to find out about."
Kate nodded her understanding before picking up on the beginning of the sentence, "My Dad leant you some CDs?"
"Yeah, told me about this place too."
Kate lowered her knife and fork. "You've talked to my Dad about jazz?"
"Yeah." Kevin considered her, noticing that she'd stopped eating. "You okay with that?"
"Of course," Kate replied, feeling slightly flustered, and quickly returning to her food.
"You sure?" Kevin replied, concern in his voice. "You do know we talk?"
"Of course I do, though I never ask about what," Kate replied. She knew her Dad had offered his support to the younger man, knew that they spoke because they would pick up conversations when they all met for food. But she never asked what they spoke about, didn't want to ask either of them to break any confidences. She continued with her food before saying, "I just thought you talked about... stuff."
"Stuff?" Kevin responded, amusement obvious in his tone, and when she looked up it twinkled in his eyes again.
Kate grinned, relaxing at the sight. "Yeah, stuff."
"What kind of stuff?"
"I don't know... man stuff."
"Man stuff?" Kevin snorted. "You mean like cars, monster truck rallies..."
Kate waved the list to an end, the absurd idea of Kevin and her father discussing things like that making her laugh. "Alright, alright," she managed after a few moments, becoming more serious as she said, "I knew my Dad was into jazz, but it's always been his thing, not something he shares."
"Maybe he doesn't share because he doesn't think you're interested," Kevin replied gently and Kate didn't know if he was passing on information he'd gathered, or making a correct assumption about the situation.
"I didn't think he wanted to share it," Kate said with honesty, thinking of the times when the door to his study had closed, and the sound of lilting saxophones or sharp trumpets lay muffled behind it.
"I think if you showed some interest he would," Kevin advised.
Kate shifted in her seat, forking her salad slightly in her awkwardness. She considered herself close to her father, but this seemingly innocuous area had always remained cut off from her and she had always thought it was an area that he wanted to keep private. The thought that Kevin knew otherwise unsettled her.
"I mean, it looks like a band is setting up for tonight. We could stay. See what you think of it all. Open a conversation with him about what you hear." Kevin paused before he continued, "I think he would love to discuss it with you."
Kate lifted her head and took in Kevin's concerned face, obviously anxious about upsetting her, knowing her, and it seemed her father, far too well.
"P'raps I could tell him we came together, so he knows how I know?" she ventured.
"Sounds a plan," Kevin commented. "Assuming he knows we might talk about jazz?"
Kate could hear the teasing tone in his voice, and acknowledged it with a grin. "He is more than aware that we spend time together," she replied. "And he knows we talk about a lot of stuff."
Kevin returned her grin. "Good. Don't want any misunderstandings." He picked up his knife and fork before putting them back down again. "Just to clarify, we're staying?"
Kate picked her own fork up. "Yes, I would like to stay, and find out what you boys have been talking about. If you're okay with that?"
Kevin smiled his agreement before tucking into his food again, Kate following suit a few moments later, the silence companionable again until Kate saw Kevin's head go up.
"What?" she asked.
"How bad would a first date have to go for you to slap the other person?" he asked, his gaze to her right.
"Pretty bad," Kate replied, turning to follow his gaze where the couple on the bad date were raising their voices, the woman trying to stalk away before being grabbed by the man.
Kevin was on his feet in moments, cop and gentleman combining as he stepped between the two of them. Kate followed quickly taking position by the woman who was shaking, obviously upset by whatever had happened.
"Hey buddy, why don't you cool it down?" Kevin said in his best soothing tone.
"Why don't you go fuck yourself?" the man replied viciously.
"No need for that," Kevin replied, cop calm kicking in.
"Well, this slut there is all the reason I need," the man replied, pushing to get passed Kevin, who merely held his ground.
"Watch the language," Kevin replied, some of his patience going.
"Yeah, who's going to make me?"
Kevin flashed his badge at the man. "Me and my colleagues in the NYPD. Now, why don't you leave this lady alone, go home and cool down?"
The man looked like he was about to argue before good sense kicked in. With one last glare at the woman next to Kate he stomped off through the bar.
"Nice work," Kate commented.
"Thanks," Kevin replied with a smile. "Took me back to my uniform days."
Kate smiled her own reply before turning to the woman who hadn't moved. Glancing her concern at Kevin she asked the woman, "Are you okay?"
A forced smile appeared on the other woman's face. "Fine, thanks. Just a bit shaken."
"Why don't you come and sit at our table for a few minutes, just until you've caught your breath?"
"No, I'm fine," insisted the other woman. "And I've already interrupted your meal." She glanced around her. "Not to mention giving everyone else a show."
"Please, it's no bother," Kate insisted. When she saw the slight hesitation she continued, "I'm Kate, this is Kevin. We'd feel better if we knew you were okay."
"Well, if you're sure," she replied.
Kate led the way back to the table, following the booths curve so that she sat now next to Kevin, the woman taking her previous seat opposite.
"I'm Jeanette, by the way," the woman said after a few moments before taking a sip of water from the glass discreetly provided by the waitress. She considered the glass before continuing, "It was just meant to be another date, didn't expect it go like this." She shook her head. "Should've walked out the moment I met him, it didn't feel right. They always say to listen to your instincts about these things."
"They?" queried Kate.
"Oh, I'm a member of a couple of online dating sites. Lots of safety advice on them. Meet in crowded places, that sort of stuff. But I never expected anything bad to happen. Everyone I've met has been so nice, though obviously not the *one*." She shrugged and laughed slightly self deprecatingly. She lifted her eyes and looked at Kate and her companion.
"Must be nice to meet someone through work... like you guys. Get to know each other before you fall in love."
Kate knew she had surprise on her face, probably Kevin too. Fortunately, Jeanette misunderstood the reason saying, "I know you didn't show your badge, Kate, but I can tell you're a cop too."
Kate glanced at Kevin, who wisely kept his eyes averted, before deciding that disabusing Jeanette of the nature of their relationship wasn't needed; she'd had a bad enough evening without being embarrassed any further by their protestations. "Well, they say we find it hard to disguise."
Jeanette laughed slightly in response before commenting, "If only my ability to spot things in other people extended to finding a relationship."
"You didn't pick up on any problems with that guy when online?" Kevin asked, his apparent curiosity tempered by gentle concern.
"Not really," Jeanette replied, "But I was trying to go for someone different to normal, seeing if that would lead to something different. So maybe I missed something."
"Well, talking online doesn't give you a full impression of someone," Kate said in reassurance. "It won't be until you meet that you get the full picture."
Jeanette nodded. "I just wish I knew what I missed though for it to be so wrong."
"He might just be really good at hiding the less favourable bits," Kate offered. "You may not have missed anything."
"I suppose so," Jeanette replied. "It's just... this dating thing, it's so hard."
"Well, you have to make decisions so quickly," Kevin said reassuringly. "You have to make calls before you even get a chance to know someone properly. Not to mention constantly putting yourself out there; that takes courage."
Another soft laugh and Jeanette replied, "When you say it like that it's no wonder it feels like such hard work."
Kevin smiled. "But I'm sure it will pay off soon. You don't strike me as someone who will be alone for long."
Jeanette laughed out loud this time. "Thank you. It's nice to have someone say that... especially tonight." She glanced at Kate. "Is he always like this?"
Kevin looked slightly confused at the comment, which made Kate smile. He truly didn't appreciate what he did; his words of comfort and understanding out before he realised what he was doing a lot of the time, an instinct she knew he had to fight as a cop when professional distance was called for. She had lost count of the times that his reassurances had made her feel better, and, as they had grown closer over the last few years, sometimes incredibly special as well.
"Pretty much," Kate replied, her smile spreading at the slight blush on Kevin's cheek, the redness deepening as she continued, "in all the time I've known him at least. He is the sweetest, kindest man that I know. And I've never seen anything change that." Kate considered the truth in her words. Even in the depth of his grief after losing Jenny he had never lost himself so far that he couldn't still be that person. Yes, he had been different, yes, it was noticeable that his fuse was shorter, especially when he wasn't sleeping, he was human after all. But he had never been less than what he was, and she admired him for that, loved him for that, in fact.
Jeanette turned her gaze on Kevin. "You're very lucky, Kate."
"I know." Kate's voice was softer than she intended, and Kevin turned to look at her. For a pleasantly uncomfortable moment, she felt the full force of Kevin's gaze and she had to resist the temptation to reach up and caress his cheek in recognition of whatever was passing between them.
"Okay, I am definitely interrupting now," Jeanette said with a slight laugh, her voice breaking through, bringing them both fully back to the club. "I should get home."
Kevin stepped out of the booth with her. "I'll see you to a cab."
"No, I'm fine," Jeanette replied, embarrassment returning before a thought obviously hit her. "You don't think he's waiting for me outside?"
"Probably not," Kevin replied. "But this way I can make sure." He gestured for Jeanette to lead the way, glancing back with a smile at Kate before he followed the other woman out.
Kate watched them leave before sinking back into the seat. When people had assumed that she and Castle were together she had always felt a deep desire to deny it. She had never been completely sure why, apart from the fact that she hated people making assumptions about her, including Castle himself in the early days. But this hadn't been the first time people had assumed she was with Kevin either, yet she never reacted in the same way. Each time she was surprised because she never thought that they were giving out that sort of vibe. Although she had a definite reason for not responding tonight, she also never reacted at other times, except maybe to mentally roll her eyes at the thought that people assumed a man and woman couldn't just be friends. She simply wasn't offended that people would think that they were together. How could she be? Kevin was a kind, honest man, who she was proud to call her friend. And she would have to be blind to not notice his good looks, or see the way women, and occasionally men, would respond to him. It wasn't like they didn't make an attractive couple. And if his flightiness had settled with age and experience from when she had first met him, all the better.
But the big factor for her, if she was honest, was the fact he never seemed to have any assumptions about their relationship; there never was a hidden agenda, or macho positioning. He valued her, all of her, and she liked that. Not that other men didn't, Castle especially had grown in that respect. But Kevin had always done that from the moment they had met.
She considered the way she had responded to Kevin's gaze on her. Her reaction had been an intimate one, and only her best sense of self-control had stopped her reaching out and caressing him like she wanted to. It wasn't like they didn't touch - friendly pats on shoulders, hugs of celebration and consolation - but there was a line that there seemed a mutual agreement not to cross. Like the desire she had occasionally to curl up, head on his shoulder, when they were watching a movie. That was what couples did, and they were not a couple. But it was tempting sometimes, their sense of intimacy short circuiting normal expectations of behaviour.
What if it all meant something else?
Kate shook her head at the way her thoughts had been going. Too many thoughts. She was here to relax, have some food and spend time with a friend. Nothing more.
Thinking of food... she pulled her meal over to her. The salad was large and despite her best attempts she had only just started to make a dent in it. She glanced at Kevin's meal, a more traditional cop meal of burger and fries. And onion rings. They looked really good. But his portion was also large, and he was only a third of the way through. She glanced at her salad and back at the fries. She should have ordered a side order of fries to go with it, the size of her meal the only thing stopping her when it arrived. She looked up to see if Kevin was returning so she could ask for some of his fries; even he couldn't eat all of what was on his plate. But when he didn't appear she considered something else. He could be a while out there getting a cab for Jeanette. The fries would be getting cold. And he wouldn't notice if there were a few less than when he left.
Kate considered where her thoughts were going. She chided herself for thinking such a thing, when Kevin was out there being a gentleman and helping someone. But the smell...
Reaching over she grabbed a few fries off his plate, and was popping them into her mouth when Kevin rounded the corner to their booth, catching her in the act. Kate had the decency to look slightly guilty as he slid into the seat next to her. He pulled his plate purposefully away from her, but there was entertainment in his voice as he said, "Jeanette may have thought we were boyfriend-girlfriend, but that doesn't mean you get girlfriend privileges."
Kate swallowed the fries. "Sorry, but they were just so tempting."
"Should've ordered your own."
"I know," Kate replied, leaving her gaze on her companion. It only took a few moments before he crumpled.
Pushing his plate towards her he said, "Go on."
"No, I couldn't."
Kevin gave her a look.
"Okay, obviously I could," Kate said. "But I would prefer to offer a swap. Some salad for one of your onion rings?"
"I choose the salad," Kevin counter proposed.
"Deal."
Kevin offered his plate to Kate and she neatly stabbed an onion ring with her fork. She started to munch on the offering as Kevin selected what he wanted from her plate. As she started to register how much he was taking she called out, "Hey, how much is an onion ring worth?"
"High value item," replied Kevin in mock seriousness, and took some more.
"No, no... Okay you've tipped into owing me some fries," Kate said, making a stab for some. Kevin tried to deflect her, and all of a sudden they were in a food fight of their own, forks at the ready until both of their plates resembled the other and they were leaning against the back of the booth, both laughing out loud.
As their laughter subsided Kate relaxed further, allowing herself to slide slightly down in her seat, her arms going above her as she stretched into the relaxation.
"I think this is the best I've felt all day," she commented.
"And all it took was a food fight," Kevin replied with a grin, turning his head to look at her, Kate turning hers to meet him. And once again their gazes locked. This time the balance of uncomfortable and pleasure tipped significantly towards pleasure. Kate could feel the same desire as only a little while ago to reach up and caress Kevin's cheek. This time she let her control go, her hand reaching up to trace slowly the curve of Kevin's jaw, her thumb tracing across the slight stubble. Her other hand, rested close to Kevin's before, without conscious thought, their fingers found each other, twining together, as the two friends started to lose the world to the intense intimacy of the moment.
Kate could feel a slight sense of panic bubbling somewhere deep inside her, part of her brain challenging her to justify what she was doing, the sudden realisation where this moment could lead hitting her. But the greater part of her didn't want to move, didn't want to break away from what was happening.
He is your friend, part of her brain supplied.
Yes, but he could be so much more.
For a moment she allowed herself to wonder what it would be like to kiss, to feel his body under her hands, to take their relationship to places that she had always tried very hard not to consider. Especially considering her track record with men. Would she really risk everything they had for a relationship that increased the very chances of what she feared - not having him by her side.
You will know when you're ready, Kevin had said. You will know when it's right.
Could the answer to that conundrum be here, tonight, with the man whose blue-eyed gaze held hers so strongly? The one man who understood?
"Everything okay here?"
The waitress' bright voice cut through the moment, making both Kate and Kevin start. If she had any awareness of what she had interrupted she showed no sign. The unusual plates of food though caught her attention.
"Sorry," said Kate with a smile, pulling herself back up. "We've made a bit of a mess."
The smile was as bright as the voice. "That's okay. You'll be amazed how many couples end up with plates like this." She turned to go. "Let me know if you need anything."
They watched her move away before Kevin commented, "Second time tonight we've been called a couple."
"Yeah, I know."
"You okay with that?"
"Always am."
He turned to look at her, slight surprise on his face. "When people made assumptions about you and a certain other person you were always upset."
Kate shrugged. "It's different with you."
Kevin was quite obviously doing his own processing on what was happening. But all Kate could think about was the fact that their hands were still entwined. And the sharp sense of loss when Kevin pulled his away.
"We ought to finish our food," he said softly. "As it's quite literally 'our' food." He flashed a smile, which Kate bravely returned, unsettled at the sense of rejection that was running through her at Kevin's decision to move. Until moments later he put his knife down and placed his hand over hers, his thumb caressing hers. Kate looked up at him, and returned the warm smile he gave her.
"I just need to eat," he explained.
Kate felt her smile spread at the obvious genuine nature of his words.
"You can have another onion ring if you want?" he offered.
As gestures of affection went, Kate considered it to be a high one. Taking the proffered item she munched on it, watching as Kevin tucked into the one item left untouched by their food turf war, the burger.
After a few minutes companionable eating Kevin pushed his plate away and leant back into the seat with a contented sigh.
"Better?" Kate asked, pushing her own plate away.
Kevin nodded his reply before adding, "Got to keep my strength up."
Kate shifted slightly as her brain took his words somewhere she wasn't used to having them go. If Kevin was aware of this he didn't show it. Instead he said, "There's going to be dancing."
"Dancing?"
"The band tonight is a swing band, so the floor is going to be cleared for dancing. I found out when I was out helping Jeanette get a cab."
"Dancing," Kate repeated.
Kevin looked at her with curiosity. "You don't like dancing?"
Kate shifted in slight embarrassment before replying, "Not so much dislike, but be useless at it."
"But I've seen you dance in nightclubs."
"Yeah, but that's unstructured dancing... this will need me to know steps, and I tend to only find the steps that end up on my partner's feet."
Kevin snorted his entertainment at that image.
"Finding this funny, Detective Ryan?" Kate asked in her best senior detective voice, her grin giving away her own amusement.
"Me? Never, Detective Beckett," Kevin replied. He turned to look at her. "I just don't get it. I mean you can kick box, and you wear those heels of yours so you can move okay."
"What can I say? I'm a danger on the dance floor. If you want to dance then you're probably safer asking someone else."
His eyes flashed disappointment, and his words come closest to saying to both of them that something was shifting in their relationship tonight. "I think I would only want to dance with you."
Kate found her heart was thudding harder than normal, and a smile was trying to break out on her face, but she knew she may have hurt him with her deflection of potential embarrassment. She kept her voice light as she said, "In which case you may be able to persuade me, but on your own toes be it."
He brightened, grinning as he said, "I think I can take it."
Okay, her heart was definitely thudding harder than normal now. Fight or flight responses to the situation trying to kick in.
But she knew she didn't want to run.
She took a deep breath to calm her body down, distracting herself with her own curiosity about Kevin's interest in dancing, "How come you know how to dance?"
"Three older sisters," Kevin replied, a slightly embarrassed grin this time. "All of whom discovered dancing just as the boys of their age were completely embarrassed by the idea. Baby brother proved to be a useful practice partner."
Kate was completely tickled by the idea. "Oh, you would have been so adorable."
"Yes, yes, alright," Kevin replied, his embarrassment growing. He took a sip of his drink. "Mind you, came in useful when I was older."
"Useful? Kevin Ryan, don't tell me you used such a skill to charm girls when they least expected it."
A look of mischief flashed across his face before he admitted, "Hey, I had to have something to drag me out of the 'you're sweet, but just a friend' group."
Kate considered his words. If they had met at High School she would have probably thought that of him, the maturity to appreciate what he had, what he could give, missing.
Now?
She liked what he had, what he could give, a lot.
She realised she wanted to find out what else there was.
And that probably meant something she hadn't been ready to consider until now. In this club. In this moment.
That there was every chance that somewhere along the line she had started to fall in love with her friend.
And that should really be freaking her out more than it was.
You will know when you're ready, Kevin had said. You will know when it's right.
Was it that simple?
"Let me clear that for you." The voice of the waitress was bright and cheerful again forcing a pause in Kate's train of thought. As she worked she asked, "So, are you staying for the band? There's going to be dancing, and you two strike me as good dancers."
"Well, one of us is," Kate replied with a smile at Kevin. "I will be trying to not take out too many toes in the process."
"In which case, trust him and just follow his lead," said the waitress, lifting their plates up. "You can't go too far wrong with that."
As she left Kevin leant closer to Kate, his voice soft as he said, "We don't have to stay for the dancing, not if you're uncomfortable about it."
"No, I want to stay," Kate insisted. "I just really am not good at anything above a shuffle around a floor together, that's all."
"Well, if that's all we manage that's fine," Kevin replied before adding, "Unless you would prefer me to dance with someone else."
"No!"
Her protest was out so fast she startled both of them.
She shifted before quickly offering, "Unless you want to dance with someone else?"
"I only want to dance with you," Kevin reassured her.
"Good."
"Fine."
They both shifted slightly at the unspoken conversation beneath their words.
Okay, maybe she was freaking out a bit.
To her surprise, she sought out Kevin's hand, his in turn wrapping reassuringly around hers before he lifted it, placing the gentlest of kisses on it.
If another man had done that Kate would have dismissed it as suave and manufactured. But she knew Kevin was incapable of such insincere charm. She knew how genuine such a gesture was, and she didn't know if the giddiness came from the rush of pleasure or relief that they seemed to be keeping pace with each other in whatever was happening.
That he could be realising he was in love with her too.
The band's arrival a few minutes later prompted a quick response from some of the other customers, regulars probably by the lead singer's response to them, as they came up on to the floor. Kate stomach contracted slightly at the thought that would mean she might be up there embarrassing herself with experienced dancers. But although good, it was soon clear that even the most enthusiastic of the dancers were amateurs, and Kate felt herself relax. She leant forward to see if she could pick up any tips that might allow a greater chance for her not to take out any of Kevin's toes. But as she watched, what struck her most was the sense of fun between the partners. And that although there were people just dancing, there were also couples, hands sliding comfortably around bodies as they pulled in close before spinning off out in time to the music, understanding and synchronicity.
She sat back in her seat, glancing at Kevin as she did so. Their hands hadn't left each other but he hadn't pulled her out to the floor. And he wasn't going to, Kate realised, unless she made it explicit what she wanted.
"So, are you going to ask me to dance then?"
Kevin turned to look at her, his face showing a flash of confusion before he realised the playful tone in her voice.
"You want me to ask you to dance?" he asked.
Kate nodded.
For a moment he considered her, leaving Kate slightly uncertain, before he slid out from the booth. As he reached his hand back towards hers he asked, "Kate Beckett, would you do me the honour of this dance?"
Kate grinned, the playful sparkle in Kevin's eyes, reflecting both their moods. She reached out her hand to join his as she slid out from the booth. They had taken a few steps towards the dance floor before she spun back to the table, quickly kicking her heels off to lie under the seat. As she rejoined Kevin she replied to his questioning look, "Don't want to pierce your toes as well as squash them."
The dance floor felt cold underneath her stockinged feet, but that was quickly forgotten in the warmth of Kevin wrapping one arm around her waist, their bodies coming in closer as they started to move to the rhythm of the music. All went well until they attempted, as Kate predicted, anything more ambitious than a general shuffle around the floor. After she had stumbled over his feet a third time he pulled them up.
"Sorry," she said. "I really don't know why I find this so hard."
"Did you go to a girls' school?"
Kate looked at Kevin in surprise as the seeming non-relevance of the question.
"No. Why?"
"I was wondering if that was where you learnt to dance. You're trying to lead."
"I'm not."
"You are."
Kate opened her mouth to argue again but decided instead to ask, "How do you know?"
"You're fighting me when we move."
"I don't mean to."
Kevin smiled. "I know you don't. And it's not a criticism, but it makes it hard to do dance moves based on the man leading if you're trying to do that as well."
"It's just instinctive."
"I know." His voice softened as he continued, "And off this dance floor you know you can lead me wherever you want, but here you need to let me take charge."
Kate contemplated Kevin as his words stumbled across more truths in what was starting to shimmer between them, the obvious fact of his comfort with her strength and tendency to take charge strangely exhilarating.
Kevin pulled her back in close. "Just relax, follow my lead."
Kate nodded and started to move with him, trying to force her brain to rest its attempt to logically work out where they should move whilst tuning into where Kevin's body was taking her. She stumbled again, letting out a gasp of frustration.
"It's okay," Kevin said. "Keep going." He pulled her in closer, his body hot against hers as he started to move them down the side of the floor, the bounce of the music at odds with the way Kate was suddenly hyperaware of how close they were, and how their bodies were starting to move in synch. She risked lifting her eyes to his, finding them strangely, deliciously dark. She leant in closer, allowing her body to feel all the movements of his, all worries about stumbling gone, her body and eyes telling her all that she needed to know.
The music changed bringing them to a disappointing stop before Kevin picked it up again, asking only, "Want to try something more ambitious?" Kate nodded, unwilling to answer any other way for fear of breaking the moment. Kevin picked up the speed with the beat of the song, leaning forward to explain what he was about to do and before Kate knew it she was spinning out and back to him, a minor stumble the only casualty of breaking their contact. She only had time to snort some laughter before he spun her out again. This time she made it back with minimal mistiming, her body making a firm impact on his as he pulled her back in close. He repeated the move, her return smooth, though she couldn't say controlled, this time wrapping her arm more firmly around his neck to steady her return, the bonus effect of meeting his eyes spine-tingling. Soon though, Kate found she could predict the move, relaxing into it, her smile as broad as Kevin's as they spun, swung, and moved to the exhilarating beat, hands and bodies touching, eyes meeting with intoxicating regularity. The songs changed but Kate found she now didn't worry about it, trusting Kevin to pick up the good moves to use, trusting him to lead her through it, trusting that whatever happened she would end up back in his arms, her eyes locked with his. So when the call from the band came to take fifteen, Kate was disappointed. She didn't want to stop, even for a moment; she hadn't felt this alive for so long.
Keeping hold of Kevin's hand she led the way back to the booth, pausing as she went to sit down when Kevin broke the grasp.
"I just need to use the little detective's room," he said. "Can you get me a soda when the waitress comes around?"
"Sure," Kate replied.
"Plenty of ice," he called as he headed away, a cheeky grin thrown back over his shoulder.
Kate grinned back, the thought that they might both need cooling down a little, making her happier than it should.
When the waitress appeared with her customary efficiency she said, "You two looked good out there."
"Eventually," Kate replied with a knowing grin.
"Yeah, but you got there. Told you just to relax and follow his lead, didn't I?"
"That you did," Kate replied. "Best advice I've had for a long time."
"Well, he strikes me as one of the good ones. If you can't trust him, who can you trust?"
As she left, Kate considered her words. She did trust Kevin completely, always had. Perhaps that had been why she had been able to talk to him so easily once she'd got to know him. Perhaps the chink in her wall had been starting then. The foundations of that wall had taken a good pounding as she had put events in her life to rest, wobbling but remaining up. Until now.
You will know when you are ready. You will know when it's right.
This whole evening had felt right. The moment they had set out to come here. Maybe they hadn't been conscious of the changes in their relationship. Maybe this was their subconscious at work. But whatever it was... coming here, spending time together, at the right time, free of their partners' observance, maybe that was what they had been waiting for. They just hadn't realised it.
Kevin arrived back, sliding easily into the booth next to her. He took a long drink from the ice-cold soda before leaning back against the seat, turning slightly to look at her.
"So, still think you can't dance?"
Kate turned from her own drink to mirror his body, trying to not let her eyes linger on his lips as she replied, "I think I just needed to find the right partner." She lifted her eyes to meet his, the twinkle of pleasure obvious in them. He lifted her hand to his mouth for another soft kiss, an action this time that made the tightening in her belly very obvious. A silence fell over them, but it was comfortable, almost needed, as they caught their physical and emotional breath.
Kate closed her eyes, the voices and sensations from the bar blurring once again into white noise, this time the only sensation obvious to her the warm hand of Kevin rather than a cold beer. After a few moments, she opened her eyes, finding Kevin's gaze once again looking out. Aware that she was back with him he said, "One of the couples is leaving."
Kate leant forward, curious. "Which one?"
"The one I thought had got together unexpectedly," he replied, pausing before continuing with his thought out loud. "I wonder how they knew. I mean, did they know things had changed or did it come out of the blue?"
He turned his eyes back on her, and Kate sensed the questioned being mirrored about them. "Or perhaps things had changed and they just didn't realise it until the right moment," she replied trying to answer both questions. She tore her gaze from Kevin's to focus on the safe topic of the other couple. "Either way they seem happy."
"Yeah, they do," Kevin replied, his voice bringing her focus back to him before she dipped her head, suddenly, inexplicably shy, the thought that if what seemed to be happening truly was happening, if it worked... how happy could they be?
She lifted her head back up, his smile understanding as their gazes met again. Her lips parted as if to say something, but she didn't know what. The band fortunately saved her from thinking any more about it, striking up a new song, her expression quickly answering Kevin's about whether she wanted to go back out. Taking her hand Kevin led the way back onto the dance floor, both of them rediscovering their rhythm together quickly. The swirls of music and movement kept either of them from showing any conscious awareness of the barriers that were being broken down; the ease of touching now shorthand for all that was changing. So much so that when the music slowed, and they pulled in close for a more familiar slow dance, neither of them questioned staying on the floor.
Kate wrapped her arm further around Kevin's neck, her forehead resting on his, closing her eyes to savour the rock and gentle sway of their dance. The singer's voice was soulful, the deep bass of the slow beat vibrating through them, they moved as if it was the most natural thing in the world for them to be this close. Kate lifted her head up slightly, her eyes now instinctively finding Kevin's, the deepest colour of the waves meeting hers. The music was building, the crescendo of a break matching a rush of building temptation. Her eyes fell to his lips before returning to his gaze, knowing the hunger and uncertainty in his eyes was reflected in her own before, with an ease they had found in their dance moves, they leant in fully to each other, their lips touching in the softest of initial kisses. Kate's eyes fluttered shut, the kiss deepening tenderly, Kevin maintaining the sway of the dance so all Kate could feel was the sensation of them being together.