Fic: Brought To Their Senses, Castle, Beckett/Ryan, PG
Title: Brought to Their Senses
Author: Merlin's Sister
E-mail: michemerlin1@aol.com
Rating: PG
Disclaimers: The Castle characters are owned by the almighty ABC. Just borrowing them for a bit of fun. No point in suing me anyway. I work in the public sector.
Pairing: Beckett/Ryan
Series: Beckett/Ryan AU
Archive: Just ask.
Summary: Kate and Kevin get more answers than they realise when facing up to her mother’s killer. AU Sucker Punch, Sequel to Temptation Bites.
Author's notes: Thanks to vic_amy_z for riding to the beta rescue when my eyes started to spin!
The car hummed as Kate pulled into the parking space, the wipers falling silent as she turned everything off. The rain poured unbroken onto the windscreen, blurring the lights of the diner opposite, the diner where she knew her Dad would already be sitting, waiting for her to explain what was happening, waiting for her to open up everything that they had both worked so hard to move on from.
The sense of terror that she was about to front up to something that had almost consumed her appeared as a tight knot in her stomach. But somehow she couldn’t shake the hope that this could be it. The need to know what had happened to her Mom was with her every day; all she had done was to learn how to put it to one side, for it to not be so raw. To have the answer dangling so close, how could she not follow through?
But would she survive the fallout if she did?
She could hear Castle telling her that she wasn’t alone. And part of her knew that was true in a way that it wasn’t before; her friends would rally around her, whatever happened. But none of them could stop the pain. Well, apart from Kevin with whom she found comfort like no other. But since the temptation at Halloween, both she and Kevin had backed off slightly from each other and she couldn’t blame him for that. If anything she had cooled it more; she couldn’t face the thought that she might be the one who caused any problems between him and Jenny. But right now she could do with seeing him, not Ryan, but Kevin, the strange differentiation she managed manifest large at the moment. She needed the comfort he could bring like no other time since they had met, but there was no way she could tell him that. Not without feeling like she was calling on him when she shouldn’t.
Kate started from her thoughts as her phone rang. Grabbing it she made to turn it off, expecting it to be Lanie or Castle again, only to find Kevin’s ID. Despite the situation, she allowed herself a small smile as he appeared yet again to know when she needed him.
“Hey, Kevin.”
“Hi,” he replied, sounding surprised, which he must have realised as he continued, “Sorry, I thought I would be getting your voicemail.”
“Well, I can hang up if you want,” Kate responded with as much lightness as she could manage. “You could try again.”
Kevin chuckled slightly. “No, it’s fine. You just hadn’t answered calls from Lanie or Castle so I assumed you weren’t up to talking to anyone at the moment.”
“I’m always up to talking to you,” Kate responded softly, trying to ignore the desire to ask Kevin to come down to the diner too, his confused, concerned tones strangely comforting her. How much easier might the next conversation be with him by her side? Pity her Dad didn’t really know him.
“I won’t ask how you’re doing,” Kevin said, his tone turning more serious. “I just phoned to remind you that I’m here for you, whatever you need, you only have to ask.”
“How about telling me what to do?” Kate asked, her attempt to make out she was joking slightly marred by the emotion in her voice.
“Maybe except that,” Kevin replied in the same tone. “Wish I could. I can only say I back your decision either way.” He paused for a moment. “What do you want to do?”
Kate swallowed at the direct question. She tried to ignore the instinctive answer, and replied with her fear, “If I get this wrong I don’t know what it will do to me, what it will do to my Dad.”
“That doesn’t answer the question,” Kevin replied, his tone firm but gentle. “What do you want to do, not what might happen if you do?”
Kate took a deep breath. “I want to find the bastard who killed my mother. I want to know the truth.”
“Then that's what you need to do,” Kevin said. “And I’m sure your Dad will tell you the same, and, from what you’ve told me of your mother, what she would want you to do.”
Kate fell silent at Kevin’s calm voice confirming what she wanted, a rush of strength running through as Kevin continued, “And don’t worry about the fallout. Whatever happens I’m here, we’re all here. You’re not alone anymore. We can deal with this.”
“Thank you,” Kate replied slowly. “You don’t know how much it means to hear that.”
She felt the trickle of terror spread through her again though at what she might have to face. “Promise me you’ll stay close?” she asked.
“Always,” Kevin’s steady voice came back.
“Okay.” Kate glanced up at the sky, the rain less than when she pulled up. “I’d better go and talk to my Dad, and there’s a break in the rain. I’ll phone you when I’m done.”
“I’ll be waiting,” Kevin said simply. And then he was gone.
Others tried to help her. Lanie listened, Esposito protected her in his own way, Castle could make things happen, was so obviously a catalyst for so much in her life. But Kevin was the only one who made her feel stronger, who seemed to know what she needed, and when she needed him. And with that strength, she could go and ask her Dad to risk finally knowing the truth.
**
The shot had echoed through the corridors of the precinct, greeting Kevin and Esposito as they had come up the stairs to the squad room. They had responded instinctively, pulling their weapons and rushing towards the sound. The sight there had stopped them in their tracks; Beckett trying to bring an obviously dead Coonan back to life, frantic in her attempts to do so. Kevin felt a wrench in his stomach, and had to fight every instinct in him to go over and take Kate in his arms. He turned away slightly, catching Castle’s act of comfort, the smallest touch on her shoulder, wanting to rage at their friend that she needed more than that. When he turned back to look at Kate he couldn’t bear the sight any more. Marching over, he ignored the looks of surprise to lean down and lift Kate up from her position over the body. She shook with her sobs, her focus still on the body in front of her, so he pulled her in close and started to walk her away.
“Kevin...” she managed.
“I know,” he replied. “I know.”
Her arms reached around him, sliding under his coat, the blood from her hands soaking into his shirt. He ignored the sickly shiver of sensation and just pulled her in tighter, whispering comfort as he continued on to the locker room.
Reaching the door to the locker room he kicked it open, unwilling to let go of Kate and also to warn anyone inside that he was coming in. Not that he expected to find anyone there; it felt like the whole station had been standing around Coonan, frozen into inaction at the sight before them. Finding the locker room empty as predicted, he set Kate down on the bench and set off to find some towels to start the clean up.
Shrugging his coat off, he grabbed two towels from the rack in the washroom. Returning to Kate he found her still, her sobs subsided, but the shock still radiating off her.
“Here,” he said gently as he handed her one of the towels. “Take this.”
Kate took the towel from him but didn’t move to start any clean up. After it seemed clear that she wasn’t going to make a move, Kevin crouched down in front of her, took the towel and started to wipe at her hands.
“What have I done?”
The question was whispered so quietly that Kevin might have missed it if he hadn’t been leant so close to her.
Even without knowing the whole story, Kevin knew the certainty of his answer. “What you had to,” he replied simply, not lifting his eyes from her hands as he continued his gentle cleaning.
“He was my only link, the best chance I had to find them, to know why...” Her voice trailed off again. “What am I going to tell my Dad?”
At the break in her voice Kevin lifted his head, the returning tears vibrating through her body into his hands.
“Oh, Kate,” he said softly, sitting next to her, pulling her into a hug. He tried to find some words that might comfort her, but found none coming. What could he say to make any of what had happened better?
Instead, he settled for pulling her tighter to him, resting back on the lockers as Kate wrapped herself further around him, allowing her to cry out the shock and loss of the answers she craved so much. He dropped the softest of kisses on her head, which seemed to prompt some calmness though her grip on him merely tightened, so he returned the hug and closed his eyes.
He didn’t know how long they sat like that, long enough to allow Kate to have cried herself out but not to feel like moving. He risked moving slightly to allow himself to slowly rub her back, another kiss on her forehead, this time a rattled, but calmer, deep breath coming from Kate. But still she didn’t move, so Kevin settled back, and had just started to pull her in close again when he heard the door to the locker room open. He felt Kate stiffen slightly at the noise, yet she didn’t pull away immediately, reluctance or exhaustion slowing her movement. They both relaxed slightly at the sight of Lanie coming into the room, though Kate continued her slow movement away from him.
As Lanie arrived in front of them, he caught the glance that she threw at him. He knew then that Lanie had been sent in to take over and he felt a rush of irritation. He knew it was irrational to resent something that had only been done in concern by people who didn’t know how close he and Kate truly were, but he did.
“How’re you doing?” Lanie asked, taking a seat next to Kate.
“Okay,” Kate replied, determined strength in her voice.
Lanie nodded her understanding, her eyes sympathetic as she continued, “I need to take your clothes for the investigation into the shooting.” She smiled. “They’ve promised me that we will get them back to you.”
Kate snorted her response. “Yeah, they always say that.”
It took a moment for Kevin to register Lanie’s glance, realising suddenly that, in her eyes, he wasn’t meant to stay.
Getting to his feet he said, “I’ll let you get on with that.”
“Can you get me a drink?”
Kevin turned at Kate’s voice, sensing something else in her tone, but knowing he couldn’t explore that now. Instead he smiled his agreement. “Coffee?” he checked.
“Actually, can you get me something cold... something sweet?” she asked, returning his smile.
“A soda it is,” he replied before heading towards the door and out to the break room.
Castle and Esposito were on him before he had even got a few steps.
“How is she?” Castle asked.
“Fine,” Kevin replied. “I mean, shaken, but she’ll be fine.” He glanced back at Castle, noticing for the first time the cold compress he was holding to his head. “You okay?”
“Head butt to Coonan,” Castle replied simply before taking the compress off and considering it. “Wish I could have done more when he turned on us.”
Kevin paused in front of the soda machine. “Why did he turn on you?” he asked, realising he ought to know the answer before he went back to Kate, his stomach tightening at the glance between Castle and Esposito.
“Coonan *was* the contract killer,” Castle explained before adding. “He was the one who killed Beckett’s mother.”
Kevin felt sick, his emotions churning, flitting from relief that the killer had finally been found to an overwhelming, irrational desire to do more harm to the bastard; death had come too easily.
“I wish...”
Kevin glanced up at Castle as he trailed off. The anguish was obvious on the other man’s face, and he knew what would have been torturing the writer.
“There was no way Coonan was making it out alive,” Esposito reassured their friend. “If it hadn’t been Beckett then someone else would have taken him, and I for one am happy it was her; it’s how it should be.”
“I know,” Castle replied. “It’s just... he could have told us so much.”
“Yeah, and what deal would we have had to give him to get that information?” Kevin replied. “And that would’ve killed her.”
Castle nodded his agreement, not seeming to notice the force of conviction in Kevin’s statement. Kevin turned back to the soda machine in order to hide his emotions, popping coins in for the orange drink that he knew Kate would occasionally turn to on a hot day. Retrieving the cold can from the dispenser he paused before adding some coins to the machine next to it, grabbing a candy bar from the slot before turning back to Castle and Esposito.
Castle smiled at him. “Medication by sugar?”
“She wanted the drink,” Ryan explained, managing a slight smile of his own. “I figured even Beckett will go for the chocolate today.”
“Never hurts,” Castle replied. “I’ll take it to her if you want.”
Kevin felt another rush of irritation at other people stepping in, even her partner.
“That’s okay,” he replied, forcing as much of the irritation down as he could. “She’ll be out in a minute, and I have to grab my coat.”
Before Castle could reply he turned on his heel and headed back to the locker room. Remembering to knock before he went in, he paused before he turned the corner, calling out, “Everyone decent?”
“I don’t know about decent,” replied Lanie from beyond the wall. “But we’re all dressed.”
Kevin headed up to the two women, presenting the soda to Kate. “One cold, sweet drink, and...” He paused to pull out the candy bar with a flourish.
He was rewarded with a slight chuckle from Kate as she took both items from him. “Thank you.”
“Now there’s a man who knows how to take care of a woman,” Lanie commented with an approving smile.
Kevin busied himself with getting his coat, glancing over just the once to see Kate gratefully swigging back the drink. Forcing himself to let Lanie be in charge, he paused to see what happened next.
“We good to go?” Lanie asked.
Kate glanced at him before replying, “Actually can you give us a moment?”
Lanie looked surprised but answered quickly, “Sure.” Picking up the bag of clothes she headed out. “I’ll let them know you’re on your way.”
Once Kate seemed sure that the door had closed behind her, she turned back to Kevin. He watched as she seemed to struggle to find the right words before she walked to him and wrapped her arms around in a tight hug. Kevin returned the act, pulling her in as close as he could.
After a few moments Kate pulled back, their gazes staying with each other. “Castle told me who Coonan was,” he said after a few moments. He paused as he tried to find the right words. “You asked me what you were going to tell your Dad. The answer is that you caught your mother’s killer.”
Kate considered him before replying, “We still don’t know why, we don’t know who ordered the contract.”
“I know, but that’s a problem for another day.” He took her hand in his. “Today you caught your mother’s killer. That is what you have to tell him.”
The emotion was obvious on her face again before she turned away to consider his words. When she turned back she shifted slightly before asking, “Come with me.”
Kevin was confused. “Where?”
“To tell my Dad what’s happened.”
Confusion gave way to surprise. “Are you sure? Castle knows the details better than me. P’raps he should go?”
Kate shook her head. “I can tell him what happened. But I need your conviction that what’s happened is enough.” She smiled. “I’m stronger when you’re near. I need that strength tonight.”
Kevin swallowed the strange mix of emotions that had got stuck in his throat. “Then of course I’ll go with you.”
Kate turned and picked up her drink and candy, Kevin gesturing for her to lead the way. A few steps out of the locker room and the other members of the team were there, questions being fired at her about her well-being, which Kate knocked back with simple replies. Kevin watched until the Captain came over to lead her to the IA agents. Satisfied that for the moment there was nothing more that he could do, Kevin took himself off to the men’s locker room, eager to shed the shirt with the now dried blood on it. He pulled at his locker door, started to throw the shed shirt in there, before deciding he couldn’t face seeing it again. He stalked over to the trash can and threw it in, before walking to the wash basins and starting to fill one with water.
He leant against the basin as the warm water rushed out, the noise a soothing background to the churning of emotions he still felt inside. He gazed at his image in the mirror, considering himself, trying to make sense of everything he was feeling. The way he had to fight every instinct to take care of Kate when she needed him to, to spend time with her, to be there for her. And now this new sensation of anger at people not knowing, or understanding what they meant to each other, if either of them knew what that was.
His thoughts flicked back to that moment when their gazes had met, remembering how much he had wanted to kiss her at that moment. Not because there was anything sexual about the moment, or that he would ever take advantage of her, but because, he realised, that’s how people who felt what he did expressed their feelings. Which meant, he suspected, that their arrangement, which involved so much more than kissing, was not just about managing a physical attraction between friends; it was a way of managing feelings that ran much more deeply than either of them were willing to admit, feelings that had been in play from a very long time ago.
Yet he didn’t let himself act on these feelings, and chose instead to be with someone who was loving, pretty and committed. Whom he cared about. But Jenny didn’t provoke the same depth of feeling that Kate did, or give him emotionally, or - if he was being honest with himself - physically what she did. And the excuse of knowing Kate longer was starting to sound just that... an excuse.
Kate said she felt stronger when he was near. He didn’t know if she realised the feeling was mutual, though perhaps in a different way. Whereas he sensed he steadied her, gave her a safe place to be, emotionally and physically, her gift to him was her faith, her admiration for him. She made him feel like he could do anything, be what he tried so hard to be... a good cop... a good man.
Kate had called him a good man increasingly recently, the value of those words and that sense of who he was obviously so important to her. But how could he be considered that when he couldn’t find the courage to make a decision over the woman he wanted to be with, or take a risk to do so? How could he be good, if he wasn’t brave too?
He started from his thoughts at the sound of the locker room door closing, quickly making use of the water to rinse his face into the present. He came back up to find Esposito standing next to him. Kevin grabbed a towel and wiped his face.
“You okay?” his partner asked, the look of concern obvious on his face.
Kevin nodded. “Fine.” At Esposito’s slightly disbelieving look Kevin continued, “It was just hard to see Beckett so upset, that’s all.”
Kevin headed back to his locker, reaching in to pull out a spare shirt.
“She did the right thing,” Esposito said, following him over.
“No argument here, bro,” Kevin replied, pulling his shirt on and quickly doing the buttons up. “She may need more convincing of it though.”
“Maybe, but we both know what you said about him striking a deal was right. Not knowing the answers is not as bad for her as watching the actual killer go free.”
Kevin nodded his agreement, pushing his locker door shut, pausing in his plans to head back out at the sight of his partner not moving.
“Good call on getting Beckett out of there earlier,” Esposito said.
Kevin shrugged, suddenly feeling awkward. “Any of you guys would have done it.”
“Yeah, but you did it first,” he replied.
Kevin’s heart started to pound, a sudden fear that his feelings for Kate had become apparent. But if Esposito was aware of anything he didn’t say so, merely clapping his partner on the shoulder as walked passed to the door. “You’re a good friend to our girl.”
If only, thought Kevin, it was that straight forward.
**
Kate threw her keys in the pot next to the door, shedding her coat before heading down the hall of her apartment.
“Sure you don’t want a coffee?” she asked Kevin, as he closed the door behind them.
“No thanks.” He smiled. “I think your Dad made enough to last me a few days.”
“Yeah, well, Dad bakes and makes coffee when he’s worried. I’m surprised we didn’t find more than just piles of cookies on his table.”
“Good cookies though,” Kevin replied.
Kate sank into the couch, Kevin taking a seat on the edge close to her. She closed her eyes, needing to take a breath. When she opened them again she said, “I caught my mother’s killer today.”
Kevin’s smile was understanding.
“I wonder how many times I’ll have to remind myself of that... after all this time,” she continued. “It all feels a bit unreal.” She turned her eyes on Kevin. “Thank you for coming with me to my Dad’s.”
Kevin shrugged. “Didn’t do much apart from drink coffee and eat cookies.”
“And disappear discreetly when you had to, and reappear when I needed you to,” Kate said softly.
Her Dad had been surprised when she had arrived with Kevin, a surprise that had echoed Castle’s expression when she and Kevin had left the precinct to go there. She felt a slight pang that Castle might feel hurt at her taking Kevin rather than him. But there was no way she could explain without Castle digging at the true nature of her feelings for Kevin; the writer would just need to know. And she wasn’t even close to admitting them to anyone else; she barely coped with looking at the situation herself.
After the tears and emotion of the evening, despite the circumstances, her Dad had not been able to resist asking the classic, “So, you and Kevin...” She had answered as quickly with the timeless, “We’re just friends, good friends... someone I trust completely.” He had left it there, but Kate feared that her quick response to someone who knew her so well had possibly told him more; told him that her words might not be the complete truth. Whatever that might be.
“Whatever I can do to help, you know that, Kate,” Kevin replied, his voice matching hers in softness.
The rush of emotion at his words was unexpected, the truth of them almost overwhelming. He truly would do anything to care for her, to make her happy. Always had. She had been the one to instigate the arrangement, she had been the one to pull away when she had realised how special their relationship could be, knowing she wasn’t ready for it. She knew he had his own reasons for agreeing at the time, but she also knew he had never pushed for anything beyond their unique friendship since then because he just wanted her to be happy. He didn’t seem to realise how much a contribution to that state in her he provided.
How could she not be in love with such a man?
She leant forward considering her companion before she said simply, “You’re a good man.”
Kevin smiled at her words, commenting, “You’ve said that a lot recently.”
Kate lifted her hand up to stroke his cheek affectionately, the rough start of stubble rubbing against her fingers.
“That’s because it’s one of the things I love about you.”
Kevin dipped his head for a moment, a blush visible on him even before he lifted his head up. Reaching out for her he pulled her in close to him, his arms holding her tight in a hug of unspoken emotion. Not for the first time Kate noticed how neatly their bodies fitted into each other, and she held on to the rush of pleasure and connection.
“I can stay, if you want me to?” he offered in a soft whisper.
Kate desperately wanted to say ‘yes’, but forced her self-control to the fore; knowing he would do anything for her wasn’t a reason to let him. Reluctantly she shook her head. “No, it’s fine.” She paused for a moment. “You should get home to Jenny. She’ll be worried.”
“She knows I’m not going to hers tonight; I’ve already phoned.”
Kate lifted her eyes to his. Soft pools of concerned blue met hers and she knew it would be so easy to give into the temptation that swirls around them, to take comfort as they have done before in each other. But the rules were in play, and she needed to believe in them, tonight of all nights.
She risked some honesty. “I would love for you to stay. But...” She couldn’t say any more but found she didn’t have to.
He pulled her close again, his voice soft once more as he whispered, “I know.” Finally he pulled away. “I’ll let you get some rest.”
Kate nodded her agreement and let him head towards the door. Following to lock up behind him, she leaned against the doorjamb, reaching out her hand for one last touch. “Thank you. For everything.”
He nodded his understanding and headed for the elevator, Kate watching until he disappeared around the corner.
Closing the door she turned to head to the bedroom, an ache in her at the desire to have the man she had just said goodbye to with her in that room. And it wasn’t sexual, it wasn’t friendship, it was what you wanted from the man you loved. Of all the days to realise that, she almost laughed to herself.
But if she considered Kevin a good man, then she needed to see herself as a good woman. It wasn’t enough for her to know that she loved him. It wasn’t enough to know he felt deeply for her, would do so much for her. He was with another, loved another. That was more important. It would have to be enough to know her friend was right by her side, and to accept that her lover was gone from her grasp. If she truly loved him, then it would have to be enough.
Author: Merlin's Sister
E-mail: michemerlin1@aol.com
Rating: PG
Disclaimers: The Castle characters are owned by the almighty ABC. Just borrowing them for a bit of fun. No point in suing me anyway. I work in the public sector.
Pairing: Beckett/Ryan
Series: Beckett/Ryan AU
Archive: Just ask.
Summary: Kate and Kevin get more answers than they realise when facing up to her mother’s killer. AU Sucker Punch, Sequel to Temptation Bites.
Author's notes: Thanks to vic_amy_z for riding to the beta rescue when my eyes started to spin!
The car hummed as Kate pulled into the parking space, the wipers falling silent as she turned everything off. The rain poured unbroken onto the windscreen, blurring the lights of the diner opposite, the diner where she knew her Dad would already be sitting, waiting for her to explain what was happening, waiting for her to open up everything that they had both worked so hard to move on from.
The sense of terror that she was about to front up to something that had almost consumed her appeared as a tight knot in her stomach. But somehow she couldn’t shake the hope that this could be it. The need to know what had happened to her Mom was with her every day; all she had done was to learn how to put it to one side, for it to not be so raw. To have the answer dangling so close, how could she not follow through?
But would she survive the fallout if she did?
She could hear Castle telling her that she wasn’t alone. And part of her knew that was true in a way that it wasn’t before; her friends would rally around her, whatever happened. But none of them could stop the pain. Well, apart from Kevin with whom she found comfort like no other. But since the temptation at Halloween, both she and Kevin had backed off slightly from each other and she couldn’t blame him for that. If anything she had cooled it more; she couldn’t face the thought that she might be the one who caused any problems between him and Jenny. But right now she could do with seeing him, not Ryan, but Kevin, the strange differentiation she managed manifest large at the moment. She needed the comfort he could bring like no other time since they had met, but there was no way she could tell him that. Not without feeling like she was calling on him when she shouldn’t.
Kate started from her thoughts as her phone rang. Grabbing it she made to turn it off, expecting it to be Lanie or Castle again, only to find Kevin’s ID. Despite the situation, she allowed herself a small smile as he appeared yet again to know when she needed him.
“Hey, Kevin.”
“Hi,” he replied, sounding surprised, which he must have realised as he continued, “Sorry, I thought I would be getting your voicemail.”
“Well, I can hang up if you want,” Kate responded with as much lightness as she could manage. “You could try again.”
Kevin chuckled slightly. “No, it’s fine. You just hadn’t answered calls from Lanie or Castle so I assumed you weren’t up to talking to anyone at the moment.”
“I’m always up to talking to you,” Kate responded softly, trying to ignore the desire to ask Kevin to come down to the diner too, his confused, concerned tones strangely comforting her. How much easier might the next conversation be with him by her side? Pity her Dad didn’t really know him.
“I won’t ask how you’re doing,” Kevin said, his tone turning more serious. “I just phoned to remind you that I’m here for you, whatever you need, you only have to ask.”
“How about telling me what to do?” Kate asked, her attempt to make out she was joking slightly marred by the emotion in her voice.
“Maybe except that,” Kevin replied in the same tone. “Wish I could. I can only say I back your decision either way.” He paused for a moment. “What do you want to do?”
Kate swallowed at the direct question. She tried to ignore the instinctive answer, and replied with her fear, “If I get this wrong I don’t know what it will do to me, what it will do to my Dad.”
“That doesn’t answer the question,” Kevin replied, his tone firm but gentle. “What do you want to do, not what might happen if you do?”
Kate took a deep breath. “I want to find the bastard who killed my mother. I want to know the truth.”
“Then that's what you need to do,” Kevin said. “And I’m sure your Dad will tell you the same, and, from what you’ve told me of your mother, what she would want you to do.”
Kate fell silent at Kevin’s calm voice confirming what she wanted, a rush of strength running through as Kevin continued, “And don’t worry about the fallout. Whatever happens I’m here, we’re all here. You’re not alone anymore. We can deal with this.”
“Thank you,” Kate replied slowly. “You don’t know how much it means to hear that.”
She felt the trickle of terror spread through her again though at what she might have to face. “Promise me you’ll stay close?” she asked.
“Always,” Kevin’s steady voice came back.
“Okay.” Kate glanced up at the sky, the rain less than when she pulled up. “I’d better go and talk to my Dad, and there’s a break in the rain. I’ll phone you when I’m done.”
“I’ll be waiting,” Kevin said simply. And then he was gone.
Others tried to help her. Lanie listened, Esposito protected her in his own way, Castle could make things happen, was so obviously a catalyst for so much in her life. But Kevin was the only one who made her feel stronger, who seemed to know what she needed, and when she needed him. And with that strength, she could go and ask her Dad to risk finally knowing the truth.
**
The shot had echoed through the corridors of the precinct, greeting Kevin and Esposito as they had come up the stairs to the squad room. They had responded instinctively, pulling their weapons and rushing towards the sound. The sight there had stopped them in their tracks; Beckett trying to bring an obviously dead Coonan back to life, frantic in her attempts to do so. Kevin felt a wrench in his stomach, and had to fight every instinct in him to go over and take Kate in his arms. He turned away slightly, catching Castle’s act of comfort, the smallest touch on her shoulder, wanting to rage at their friend that she needed more than that. When he turned back to look at Kate he couldn’t bear the sight any more. Marching over, he ignored the looks of surprise to lean down and lift Kate up from her position over the body. She shook with her sobs, her focus still on the body in front of her, so he pulled her in close and started to walk her away.
“Kevin...” she managed.
“I know,” he replied. “I know.”
Her arms reached around him, sliding under his coat, the blood from her hands soaking into his shirt. He ignored the sickly shiver of sensation and just pulled her in tighter, whispering comfort as he continued on to the locker room.
Reaching the door to the locker room he kicked it open, unwilling to let go of Kate and also to warn anyone inside that he was coming in. Not that he expected to find anyone there; it felt like the whole station had been standing around Coonan, frozen into inaction at the sight before them. Finding the locker room empty as predicted, he set Kate down on the bench and set off to find some towels to start the clean up.
Shrugging his coat off, he grabbed two towels from the rack in the washroom. Returning to Kate he found her still, her sobs subsided, but the shock still radiating off her.
“Here,” he said gently as he handed her one of the towels. “Take this.”
Kate took the towel from him but didn’t move to start any clean up. After it seemed clear that she wasn’t going to make a move, Kevin crouched down in front of her, took the towel and started to wipe at her hands.
“What have I done?”
The question was whispered so quietly that Kevin might have missed it if he hadn’t been leant so close to her.
Even without knowing the whole story, Kevin knew the certainty of his answer. “What you had to,” he replied simply, not lifting his eyes from her hands as he continued his gentle cleaning.
“He was my only link, the best chance I had to find them, to know why...” Her voice trailed off again. “What am I going to tell my Dad?”
At the break in her voice Kevin lifted his head, the returning tears vibrating through her body into his hands.
“Oh, Kate,” he said softly, sitting next to her, pulling her into a hug. He tried to find some words that might comfort her, but found none coming. What could he say to make any of what had happened better?
Instead, he settled for pulling her tighter to him, resting back on the lockers as Kate wrapped herself further around him, allowing her to cry out the shock and loss of the answers she craved so much. He dropped the softest of kisses on her head, which seemed to prompt some calmness though her grip on him merely tightened, so he returned the hug and closed his eyes.
He didn’t know how long they sat like that, long enough to allow Kate to have cried herself out but not to feel like moving. He risked moving slightly to allow himself to slowly rub her back, another kiss on her forehead, this time a rattled, but calmer, deep breath coming from Kate. But still she didn’t move, so Kevin settled back, and had just started to pull her in close again when he heard the door to the locker room open. He felt Kate stiffen slightly at the noise, yet she didn’t pull away immediately, reluctance or exhaustion slowing her movement. They both relaxed slightly at the sight of Lanie coming into the room, though Kate continued her slow movement away from him.
As Lanie arrived in front of them, he caught the glance that she threw at him. He knew then that Lanie had been sent in to take over and he felt a rush of irritation. He knew it was irrational to resent something that had only been done in concern by people who didn’t know how close he and Kate truly were, but he did.
“How’re you doing?” Lanie asked, taking a seat next to Kate.
“Okay,” Kate replied, determined strength in her voice.
Lanie nodded her understanding, her eyes sympathetic as she continued, “I need to take your clothes for the investigation into the shooting.” She smiled. “They’ve promised me that we will get them back to you.”
Kate snorted her response. “Yeah, they always say that.”
It took a moment for Kevin to register Lanie’s glance, realising suddenly that, in her eyes, he wasn’t meant to stay.
Getting to his feet he said, “I’ll let you get on with that.”
“Can you get me a drink?”
Kevin turned at Kate’s voice, sensing something else in her tone, but knowing he couldn’t explore that now. Instead he smiled his agreement. “Coffee?” he checked.
“Actually, can you get me something cold... something sweet?” she asked, returning his smile.
“A soda it is,” he replied before heading towards the door and out to the break room.
Castle and Esposito were on him before he had even got a few steps.
“How is she?” Castle asked.
“Fine,” Kevin replied. “I mean, shaken, but she’ll be fine.” He glanced back at Castle, noticing for the first time the cold compress he was holding to his head. “You okay?”
“Head butt to Coonan,” Castle replied simply before taking the compress off and considering it. “Wish I could have done more when he turned on us.”
Kevin paused in front of the soda machine. “Why did he turn on you?” he asked, realising he ought to know the answer before he went back to Kate, his stomach tightening at the glance between Castle and Esposito.
“Coonan *was* the contract killer,” Castle explained before adding. “He was the one who killed Beckett’s mother.”
Kevin felt sick, his emotions churning, flitting from relief that the killer had finally been found to an overwhelming, irrational desire to do more harm to the bastard; death had come too easily.
“I wish...”
Kevin glanced up at Castle as he trailed off. The anguish was obvious on the other man’s face, and he knew what would have been torturing the writer.
“There was no way Coonan was making it out alive,” Esposito reassured their friend. “If it hadn’t been Beckett then someone else would have taken him, and I for one am happy it was her; it’s how it should be.”
“I know,” Castle replied. “It’s just... he could have told us so much.”
“Yeah, and what deal would we have had to give him to get that information?” Kevin replied. “And that would’ve killed her.”
Castle nodded his agreement, not seeming to notice the force of conviction in Kevin’s statement. Kevin turned back to the soda machine in order to hide his emotions, popping coins in for the orange drink that he knew Kate would occasionally turn to on a hot day. Retrieving the cold can from the dispenser he paused before adding some coins to the machine next to it, grabbing a candy bar from the slot before turning back to Castle and Esposito.
Castle smiled at him. “Medication by sugar?”
“She wanted the drink,” Ryan explained, managing a slight smile of his own. “I figured even Beckett will go for the chocolate today.”
“Never hurts,” Castle replied. “I’ll take it to her if you want.”
Kevin felt another rush of irritation at other people stepping in, even her partner.
“That’s okay,” he replied, forcing as much of the irritation down as he could. “She’ll be out in a minute, and I have to grab my coat.”
Before Castle could reply he turned on his heel and headed back to the locker room. Remembering to knock before he went in, he paused before he turned the corner, calling out, “Everyone decent?”
“I don’t know about decent,” replied Lanie from beyond the wall. “But we’re all dressed.”
Kevin headed up to the two women, presenting the soda to Kate. “One cold, sweet drink, and...” He paused to pull out the candy bar with a flourish.
He was rewarded with a slight chuckle from Kate as she took both items from him. “Thank you.”
“Now there’s a man who knows how to take care of a woman,” Lanie commented with an approving smile.
Kevin busied himself with getting his coat, glancing over just the once to see Kate gratefully swigging back the drink. Forcing himself to let Lanie be in charge, he paused to see what happened next.
“We good to go?” Lanie asked.
Kate glanced at him before replying, “Actually can you give us a moment?”
Lanie looked surprised but answered quickly, “Sure.” Picking up the bag of clothes she headed out. “I’ll let them know you’re on your way.”
Once Kate seemed sure that the door had closed behind her, she turned back to Kevin. He watched as she seemed to struggle to find the right words before she walked to him and wrapped her arms around in a tight hug. Kevin returned the act, pulling her in as close as he could.
After a few moments Kate pulled back, their gazes staying with each other. “Castle told me who Coonan was,” he said after a few moments. He paused as he tried to find the right words. “You asked me what you were going to tell your Dad. The answer is that you caught your mother’s killer.”
Kate considered him before replying, “We still don’t know why, we don’t know who ordered the contract.”
“I know, but that’s a problem for another day.” He took her hand in his. “Today you caught your mother’s killer. That is what you have to tell him.”
The emotion was obvious on her face again before she turned away to consider his words. When she turned back she shifted slightly before asking, “Come with me.”
Kevin was confused. “Where?”
“To tell my Dad what’s happened.”
Confusion gave way to surprise. “Are you sure? Castle knows the details better than me. P’raps he should go?”
Kate shook her head. “I can tell him what happened. But I need your conviction that what’s happened is enough.” She smiled. “I’m stronger when you’re near. I need that strength tonight.”
Kevin swallowed the strange mix of emotions that had got stuck in his throat. “Then of course I’ll go with you.”
Kate turned and picked up her drink and candy, Kevin gesturing for her to lead the way. A few steps out of the locker room and the other members of the team were there, questions being fired at her about her well-being, which Kate knocked back with simple replies. Kevin watched until the Captain came over to lead her to the IA agents. Satisfied that for the moment there was nothing more that he could do, Kevin took himself off to the men’s locker room, eager to shed the shirt with the now dried blood on it. He pulled at his locker door, started to throw the shed shirt in there, before deciding he couldn’t face seeing it again. He stalked over to the trash can and threw it in, before walking to the wash basins and starting to fill one with water.
He leant against the basin as the warm water rushed out, the noise a soothing background to the churning of emotions he still felt inside. He gazed at his image in the mirror, considering himself, trying to make sense of everything he was feeling. The way he had to fight every instinct to take care of Kate when she needed him to, to spend time with her, to be there for her. And now this new sensation of anger at people not knowing, or understanding what they meant to each other, if either of them knew what that was.
His thoughts flicked back to that moment when their gazes had met, remembering how much he had wanted to kiss her at that moment. Not because there was anything sexual about the moment, or that he would ever take advantage of her, but because, he realised, that’s how people who felt what he did expressed their feelings. Which meant, he suspected, that their arrangement, which involved so much more than kissing, was not just about managing a physical attraction between friends; it was a way of managing feelings that ran much more deeply than either of them were willing to admit, feelings that had been in play from a very long time ago.
Yet he didn’t let himself act on these feelings, and chose instead to be with someone who was loving, pretty and committed. Whom he cared about. But Jenny didn’t provoke the same depth of feeling that Kate did, or give him emotionally, or - if he was being honest with himself - physically what she did. And the excuse of knowing Kate longer was starting to sound just that... an excuse.
Kate said she felt stronger when he was near. He didn’t know if she realised the feeling was mutual, though perhaps in a different way. Whereas he sensed he steadied her, gave her a safe place to be, emotionally and physically, her gift to him was her faith, her admiration for him. She made him feel like he could do anything, be what he tried so hard to be... a good cop... a good man.
Kate had called him a good man increasingly recently, the value of those words and that sense of who he was obviously so important to her. But how could he be considered that when he couldn’t find the courage to make a decision over the woman he wanted to be with, or take a risk to do so? How could he be good, if he wasn’t brave too?
He started from his thoughts at the sound of the locker room door closing, quickly making use of the water to rinse his face into the present. He came back up to find Esposito standing next to him. Kevin grabbed a towel and wiped his face.
“You okay?” his partner asked, the look of concern obvious on his face.
Kevin nodded. “Fine.” At Esposito’s slightly disbelieving look Kevin continued, “It was just hard to see Beckett so upset, that’s all.”
Kevin headed back to his locker, reaching in to pull out a spare shirt.
“She did the right thing,” Esposito said, following him over.
“No argument here, bro,” Kevin replied, pulling his shirt on and quickly doing the buttons up. “She may need more convincing of it though.”
“Maybe, but we both know what you said about him striking a deal was right. Not knowing the answers is not as bad for her as watching the actual killer go free.”
Kevin nodded his agreement, pushing his locker door shut, pausing in his plans to head back out at the sight of his partner not moving.
“Good call on getting Beckett out of there earlier,” Esposito said.
Kevin shrugged, suddenly feeling awkward. “Any of you guys would have done it.”
“Yeah, but you did it first,” he replied.
Kevin’s heart started to pound, a sudden fear that his feelings for Kate had become apparent. But if Esposito was aware of anything he didn’t say so, merely clapping his partner on the shoulder as walked passed to the door. “You’re a good friend to our girl.”
If only, thought Kevin, it was that straight forward.
**
Kate threw her keys in the pot next to the door, shedding her coat before heading down the hall of her apartment.
“Sure you don’t want a coffee?” she asked Kevin, as he closed the door behind them.
“No thanks.” He smiled. “I think your Dad made enough to last me a few days.”
“Yeah, well, Dad bakes and makes coffee when he’s worried. I’m surprised we didn’t find more than just piles of cookies on his table.”
“Good cookies though,” Kevin replied.
Kate sank into the couch, Kevin taking a seat on the edge close to her. She closed her eyes, needing to take a breath. When she opened them again she said, “I caught my mother’s killer today.”
Kevin’s smile was understanding.
“I wonder how many times I’ll have to remind myself of that... after all this time,” she continued. “It all feels a bit unreal.” She turned her eyes on Kevin. “Thank you for coming with me to my Dad’s.”
Kevin shrugged. “Didn’t do much apart from drink coffee and eat cookies.”
“And disappear discreetly when you had to, and reappear when I needed you to,” Kate said softly.
Her Dad had been surprised when she had arrived with Kevin, a surprise that had echoed Castle’s expression when she and Kevin had left the precinct to go there. She felt a slight pang that Castle might feel hurt at her taking Kevin rather than him. But there was no way she could explain without Castle digging at the true nature of her feelings for Kevin; the writer would just need to know. And she wasn’t even close to admitting them to anyone else; she barely coped with looking at the situation herself.
After the tears and emotion of the evening, despite the circumstances, her Dad had not been able to resist asking the classic, “So, you and Kevin...” She had answered as quickly with the timeless, “We’re just friends, good friends... someone I trust completely.” He had left it there, but Kate feared that her quick response to someone who knew her so well had possibly told him more; told him that her words might not be the complete truth. Whatever that might be.
“Whatever I can do to help, you know that, Kate,” Kevin replied, his voice matching hers in softness.
The rush of emotion at his words was unexpected, the truth of them almost overwhelming. He truly would do anything to care for her, to make her happy. Always had. She had been the one to instigate the arrangement, she had been the one to pull away when she had realised how special their relationship could be, knowing she wasn’t ready for it. She knew he had his own reasons for agreeing at the time, but she also knew he had never pushed for anything beyond their unique friendship since then because he just wanted her to be happy. He didn’t seem to realise how much a contribution to that state in her he provided.
How could she not be in love with such a man?
She leant forward considering her companion before she said simply, “You’re a good man.”
Kevin smiled at her words, commenting, “You’ve said that a lot recently.”
Kate lifted her hand up to stroke his cheek affectionately, the rough start of stubble rubbing against her fingers.
“That’s because it’s one of the things I love about you.”
Kevin dipped his head for a moment, a blush visible on him even before he lifted his head up. Reaching out for her he pulled her in close to him, his arms holding her tight in a hug of unspoken emotion. Not for the first time Kate noticed how neatly their bodies fitted into each other, and she held on to the rush of pleasure and connection.
“I can stay, if you want me to?” he offered in a soft whisper.
Kate desperately wanted to say ‘yes’, but forced her self-control to the fore; knowing he would do anything for her wasn’t a reason to let him. Reluctantly she shook her head. “No, it’s fine.” She paused for a moment. “You should get home to Jenny. She’ll be worried.”
“She knows I’m not going to hers tonight; I’ve already phoned.”
Kate lifted her eyes to his. Soft pools of concerned blue met hers and she knew it would be so easy to give into the temptation that swirls around them, to take comfort as they have done before in each other. But the rules were in play, and she needed to believe in them, tonight of all nights.
She risked some honesty. “I would love for you to stay. But...” She couldn’t say any more but found she didn’t have to.
He pulled her close again, his voice soft once more as he whispered, “I know.” Finally he pulled away. “I’ll let you get some rest.”
Kate nodded her agreement and let him head towards the door. Following to lock up behind him, she leaned against the doorjamb, reaching out her hand for one last touch. “Thank you. For everything.”
He nodded his understanding and headed for the elevator, Kate watching until he disappeared around the corner.
Closing the door she turned to head to the bedroom, an ache in her at the desire to have the man she had just said goodbye to with her in that room. And it wasn’t sexual, it wasn’t friendship, it was what you wanted from the man you loved. Of all the days to realise that, she almost laughed to herself.
But if she considered Kevin a good man, then she needed to see herself as a good woman. It wasn’t enough for her to know that she loved him. It wasn’t enough to know he felt deeply for her, would do so much for her. He was with another, loved another. That was more important. It would have to be enough to know her friend was right by her side, and to accept that her lover was gone from her grasp. If she truly loved him, then it would have to be enough.