Fic: Bradley James’ Diary on How to Get a Guy in Ten Thirty Days and How It’s Love Actually
Bradley James’ Diary on How to Get a Guy in Ten Thirty Days and How It’s Love Actually
Phase One: Know Your Enemy Objective
When Katie walked into what Bradley was calling ‘The War Room’, she had to quickly reshuffle the list of most disturbing things she had ever seen to put this firmly at the top. And she had walked in on her parents having sex at the tender age of six and had the image burnt across her retinas, or at the very least her nightmares, ever since. The thing that grabbed the eye was the massive conference table that took up most of the room and how Bradley had even managed to squeeze it into this tiny basement room of the Cardiff studios was anyone’s guess. Closer inspection revealed it to be flat pack assembled and Katie decided that if Bradley had had anything to do with construction she wasn’t going anywhere near it.
But the concern about the table paled into insignificance when she noticed the walls. There were hundreds of pictures of Colin pasted to every available surface. Colin eating, sleeping, listening to music and even some of his home and family in Ireland. There were maps as well. Massive detailed floor plans of the studio they were currently standing in plus ones of the hotels they frequented in France.
‘I’m scared’ Angel whispered and grabbed Katie’s hand. Katie just nodded mutely, totally unprepared for this situation and she was pretty much mentally prepared for a lot of things ever since Bradley said ‘I need your help. Meet me in the basement.’
The boys arrived next, tired after a long morning being knights and really not in the mood for Bradley’s mind fuckery right now.
‘Ok what the hell is with the shrine?’ Eoin asked, both voicing Katie’s thoughts and sounding at least as terrified as she felt.
‘I’m not joining your cult Bradley’ Santiago said seriously.
Tom and Ade, both relatively new to the world of Bradley merely gaped and then slowly sank into seats.
‘It’s not a cult or a shrine. It’s a War Room’ Bradley said grandly. When he was met with nothing but blank stares he gestured for them to sit down and turned importantly to the white board at the end of the room. ‘Phase one’ he wrote as he spoke. ‘Know your enemy.’
‘Colin’s the enemy now?’ Rupert said, confused.
‘This isn’t some elaborate... very elaborate prank is it? Because Colin is too sweet to prank’ Katie said.
Bradley pulled a face at that. ‘We’re not doing anything to Colin. Well you guys aren’t...’
‘Then surely ‘know your enemy’ isn’t a good name for this. Know your objective would be better’ Ade suggested.
‘Yeah it would be’ Tom agreed.
‘Look it doesn’t really matter what the name of the phase is. It just matters that you know what we are doing’ Bradley said.
‘Which incidentally, we still don’t’ Angel pointed out.
‘Well if you all listen to me for longer than two seconds maybe we would make some progress’ Bradley huffed, frustrated. The others were silent and looked at him expectantly. ‘Thank you. Now the plan is to Woo Colin Morgan.’
There was a brief silence.
‘Woo Colin?’ Katie said slowly. ‘You’ve just decided this after three years have you?’
‘No it’s just my usual charms aren’t working. So I need your help.’
‘Your usual charms?’ Angel said incredulously. ‘You bully him constantly.’
‘Yeah well that’s how I show my affection isn’t it?’
‘You never bully me!’ Katie said, vaguely outraged.
‘That’s because of scared of you’ Bradley answered simply. ‘Look guys. Heads together let’s see if we can come up with a plan.’
‘So what you’re saying is... you want us to help you come up with a plan to pull Colin?’ Rupert asked.
‘Thank you Rupert for that brilliant summation of events’ Bradley said sarcastically.
‘Hey screw you man. Not everyone needs a team of eight people to pull a guy they’ve been friends with for three years.’
‘Exactly!’ Bradley exclaimed. ‘I’ve been well and truly relegated to the friend zone. That’s why I need help!’
Rupert had barely been listening though, just continued on with his tirade. ‘...and its lunchtime and they do pizza on Wednesdays.’ He made to leave.
‘Ah but do they have malteasers?’ Bradley said pulling his trump card and producing several bags of malteasers. Rupert immediately sat down again.
‘Right what are we waiting for? Let’s brain storm. Oh wait sorry that’s offensive nowadays isn’t it. Let’s thought shower!’
*
Colin sat alone at the big table usually reserved for the younger cast members and peered around the conspicuously quiet cafeteria.
‘Where the hell is everyone?’ he asked aloud.
‘Who are you talking too?’
Colin span in his chair. ‘Oh hi Olivia.’
Olivia Hallinan was the latest person to join the cast for the forth series. ‘Do you mind if I sit?’ she asked.
Colin glanced up and down the empty table once more. ‘If you can fit yourself in between all these people’ he said and she laughed shyly and slid into the seat opposite him.
Colin examined her for a moment.
‘Ah’ he said suddenly and she glanced up in surprise.
‘What?’
‘Well I know that under that brunette exterior you hide a red head and I’m afraid that makes me naturally distrustful of you.’
She seemed unaffected by this statement. ‘Oh? See me in Lark Rise did you?’
‘Sugar Rush’ he admitted and she quirked an eyebrow.
‘Do I want to ask why you were watching a drama revolving around the life of a teenage lesbian?’
‘Well when I found out about this role I watched pretty much everything I could find that Johnny or Julian had been involved in. Good sucking up material you know? And now I come to think of it that must be why there are so many homoerotic undertones in Merlin.’
Olivia nodded sagely. ‘Once you’ve produced a lesbian drama it’s hard to go back.’
*
‘Well in my very vast experience of chick flicks what you really need is a grand gesture’ Eoin said. Everyone stared at him incredulously. ‘What?’ Eoin said defensively. ‘They give me warm fuzzies.’
‘Anyway’ Bradley said. ‘What’s your idea?’
‘A song of course. Serenading always works. It’s like a rule of life. 10 Things I hate About You, Say Anything, Love Actually I think, possibly. Or at the very least there is a song playing while placards are used but yeah... loads of films.’
‘You can only think of two and a half examples’ Katie said, totally unconvinced.
But Bradley was already interrupting her. ‘That’s a brilliant idea. I’ll need an instrument though. Angel can I...’
‘No’ Angel said.
‘You don’t even know what I’m gonna say.’
‘You’re going to ask to borrow my guitar and the answer is no.’
‘Why?’
‘You break things’ Angel said plainly.
‘I do not!’ Bradley cried in outrage. ‘Name one thing of yours I’ve broken.’
‘You broke Katie’s glasses yesterday.’
‘One thing of yours’ Bradley repeated.
‘Ok. You dropped my ipod in the lake.’
‘That was one time!’ Bradley shouted. ‘And I bought you a new one.’
‘Not the point’ Angel said stubbornly. ‘To me that guitar is irreplaceable and there is no way I’m ever going to let you touch it let alone borrow it.’
‘Ok fine! Does anyone else have an instrument I can borrow?’
Everyone quickly ducked their heads and pretended to look busy. Ade even tried a nonchalant whistle. Bradley frowned. ‘Well I’m sure I’ll think of something’ he sniffed.
‘Bradley I’m pretty certain that this whole thing is going to lead to a series of heart warming but pointless escapades in which Colin remains oblivious and you get gradually more frustrated and while I’m sure we’ll all learn some valuable ‘life lessons’ I can’t help but think it would be easier to just tell Colin how you feel’ Katie said in one long rush.
Bradley looked at her consideringly for about half a second. ‘Don’t be silly Katie. This plan is foolproof.’
*
‘Say Bradley’ Eoin said as they all started to file out of the room to get back to set. ‘How about we make this more interesting?’
Bradley looked at him in surprise. ‘You mean a bet? You know I’m already quite interested in the outcome.’
‘More interesting for me’ Eoin clarified. ‘Come on you’re gonna do your best anyway aren’t you? And this way if you win you can spoil Colin with a nice dinner or something on me.’
‘Hmm...’ Bradley bit his lip. ‘What would the terms be?’
‘Fifty quid says you can’t pull Colin in ten days. You know like the movie?’
Bradley’s eyebrows shot up. ‘Make it thirty days and you’ve got yourself a deal’ he said eventually.
Eoin thought for a few seconds. ‘Okay. Deal.’
They shook hands.
Phase Two: A Failsafe Combination
Colin was worried. And a bit annoyed. The only time he had seen Bradley all day was in the car on the way back to the hotel. He and the others had arrived on set a little late after the lunch break looking conspiratorial. Or maybe that was just his paranoid mind talking but they had disappeared without him for an hour.
And then when they had got back to the hotel Colin had offered Bradley Buffy and cake, two things that usually resulted in a cartoon like Bradley shaped outline left in the air as he moved so fast to take him up on the offer. This time though he hardly seemed to be listening. He just murmured something vague about having to do research and then wandered off with his bag jangling and muttering about Westlife.
It was definitely Cause For Concern in Colin’s mind. He could have hung out with one of the others but he suddenly wasn’t in the mood for socialising, just offering them a ‘good night’ before disappearing into his room.
*
Colin woke to a horrible sound. A sort of vaguely rhythmic thumping accompanied by a jangling and screeching. He glanced around the room, grabbed the bed side lamp and tiptoed towards the door. As he drew closer to the source of the racket he thought he could pick out words.
With me, boy, is where you belong, just stay right here
I promise my dear I’ll put nothin above ya, above ya
Love me, Love me, say that you love me
His frown deepened and he took a deep breath before wrenching the door open and raising the lamp threateningly above his head.
‘Jesus Colin!’ Bradley exclaimed, pausing in his song and taking several hurried steps back. ‘What were you planning on doing with that?’ he asked, motioning to the lamp.
‘I was going to clobber you with it’ Colin said matter-of-factly. ‘I thought something terrible was happening. What are you doing with that?’ he added pointing at the tambourine in Bradley’s hand.
‘Ah yes.’ Bradley seemed to be getting over the initial shock of almost being assaulted by a mad man with a lamp. ‘Listen carefully Col, this is important.’
He took a deep breath and started to sing again.
Fool me, Fool me, oh how you do me
Kiss me, Kiss me, say that you miss me
Tell me what I wanna hear, tell me you love me
Bradley paused, frowning while Colin gaped at him in something akin to horror.
‘Um mash up!’ Bradley shouted, unable to remember the words.
And I was like baby, baby, baby ohhh
Like baby, baby, baby noo
Like baby, baby, baby ohh
I thought you’d always be mine mine
Bradley trailed off with a particularly fervent tambourine shake. There was a moment of silence. ‘So what did you think?’ Bradley asked hopefully, lowering the tambourine at last.
‘Oh...’ Colin tried to think of something constructive to say. It was weird because Bradley was usually a pretty good singer so Colin could only assume that the song was meant to sound like that which didn’t exactly increase his faith in modern pop music. Or humanity.
‘Erm... very enthusiastic tambourining’ he settled for eventually.
‘What about the words’ Bradley pressed.
‘Well clearly whoever wrote that is a bit special with a capital R if he can’t think of a better way to express his feelings that with the word ‘ohhhh’’ Colin said caustically. ‘Now if you don’t mind next time can you please save your musical education lessons for a time that isn’t...’ Colin paused to glance at his watch, ‘fucking 3.30 in the morning.’
‘But no that isn’t...’ Bradley started.
‘Good night!’ Colin shouted and slammed the door and Bradley distinctly heard him mutter feis ort.*
‘Well fuck.’
*
‘He thought I was doing one of my usual ‘listen to this and be educated in the world of pop music’ lessons’ Bradley wailed later. Only he, Angel and Katie were in the ‘War Room’ as the knights and Merlin were off on some quest to save Arthur who was unconscious. For a change. ‘I can’t really blame him. I do do that a lot.’
‘What music did you do?’ Katie asked, patting his shoulder absently in what she hoped was a concerned manner.
‘Bieber and a tambourine!’ Bradley exclaimed. ‘Failsafe combination right? And I went to a lot of effort to steal that tambourine from props as well’ he pouted.
‘There was a tambourine in props?’ Angel asked in surprise. ‘... which totally isn’t the point right now’ she added seeing Katie’s look. ‘I think where you went wrong Bradley, is that only 12 year olds and mentally deficient people like Justin Bieber. And his lyrics aren’t exactly meaningful.’
‘It was a Bieber mashup!’ Bradley protested. ‘And anyway that’s so not true. I like Justin Bieber.’
‘Exactly’ Angel said and she and Katie snorted and high fived at the look on Bradley’s face.
Katie cleared her throat and tried to look sympathetic. ‘What Angel means is, maybe you should have sang a song that Colin likes or one that actually means something to the pair of you.’
‘Yeah well hindsight is always 20-20’ Bradley said grumpily. Katie and Angel exchanged a look. This was going to be harder than they thought. And they thought that it was gonna be pretty hard.
‘Hang on a second’ Angel said. ‘When exactly did you do this? We only talked about this yesterday.’
‘Last night at like 3.30’ Bradley said unconcernedly.
‘Well that may have been another factor. Colin did have a 7am call this morning’ Katie said carefully.
‘Jesus I don’t know how he puts up with you’ Angel said with a lot less sensitivity than Katie had been displaying. ‘If you turned up at my door at three in the morning I would have told you to fuck off.’
‘I think he swore at me in Gaelic’ Bradley said thoughtfully. ‘It was hot.’
‘Moving on’ Katie said after a beat of silence. ‘We need a new plan.’
*
Phase Three: The Gospel according to Teen Magazine
‘So apparently there are other people on the cast,’ Olivia said to Colin at lunchtime. ‘I’ve just never seen them.’
‘Yeah they do seem to be disappearing a lot recently’ Colin agreed with a small frown, that feeling of unease coming back in full force.
‘I don’t even get scenes with them.’
‘Well that’s what you get for being a hermit’ Colin chuckled, referring to her character for the season.
‘It’s very dull being a hermit. Maybe that’s why I’m crazy and hell bent on Camelot’s destruction. Just for something to do’ Olivia said thoughtfully.
‘I don’t know. A lot of people are crazy and hell bent on Camelot’s destruction and they’re not hermits. I think you just use that a crutch’ Colin sniffed and Olivia laughed.
Colin smiled back.
*
‘Okay is everyone here?’ Angel asked as the guys piled in. ‘Then I will explain my plan. In my formative years and admittedly many years after my formative years I would look at this magazine for advice, for guidance. And guide me it did, through thick and thin, through the good times and the bad, through...’
‘Oh my God Angel, get to the point’ Santiago said with an affectionate eye roll.
Angel pouted.
‘Wait a minute’ Eoin interrupted whatever Angel had been about to say. ‘Are you suggesting Bradley get’s pulling tips from some chick magazine?’ He sounded about as convinced about her idea as Katie had been about his.
‘Well it is directly designed for picking up lads. And Colin is one last time I checked’ Angel said defensively.
‘When did you check?’ Bradley asked with a kind of amused outrage. ‘Hussy.’
Angel stuck her tongue out at him.
Tom arched an eyebrow. ‘Who’s to say that there’s even any flirting tips in there?’
‘Oh there will be’ Angel said with utmost certainty. ‘There always is. Just give me a sec.’
Angel flicked through the magazine and before Bradley could even open his mouth in an attempt to make idle conversation she had found something. ‘Here it is!’
‘How to get a guy in 10 days’ Katie read over Angels shoulder. ‘What magazine is this again?’
‘Teen Magazine’ Angel said.
‘Well it’s changed since I were a lass’ Katie said spotting the almost pornographic but ‘tastefully done’ picture accompanying the article. ‘That was a more innocent time’ she sighed.
Angel was scanning the article. ‘Okay paraphrasing here but basically this is what you need to do’ she said. ‘Lots of eye contact, be interested in what he’s interested in...’
‘Urgh I’m not pretending to care about his vegetarian save the world claptrap’ Bradley protested.
‘Look do you want to get into his pants or not?’ Angel demanded.
‘Yes Angel.’
‘Well then. Where was I? Right try not to be too available hmm that one might be tricky. Retain an air of mystery. Impossible for you. Compliment him and get him talking about himself because men like nothing better than to talk about themselves.’
There was a distinct murmur of offence from the six men in the room. Angel ignored them. ‘Smile at him. Well duh. And touching in safe areas. Yeah that’s about it.’
‘Excuse me? What’s a ‘safe area?’’ Bradley asked.
‘You know like shoulder’s, back, waist, hands.’ It was Ade that answered. ‘Nothing too forward but enough to show you’re interested.
‘And thus Teen Magazine expounded its wisdom and Bradley saw that it was good’ Angel said sagely.
‘Shut up Angel’ several voices said at once.
*
‘Okay what is with you? You’re starting to freak me out.’ Colin said abruptly. He and Bradley were sat either end of the sofa they often ran lines on, feet tangled in the middle just like always.
‘Eh?’ Bradley said.
‘All this looking and smiling. It’s unnatural.’
Bradley clapped him on the shin. He figured that was a ‘safe area’. ‘You do realise you sound ridiculous right? Looking and smiling? They’re hardly crimes.’
‘And yesterday you asked me for the recipe of the mushroom risotto I made. I almost choked.’
‘I’m just interested in your life Colin’ Bradley said.
Colin stared at him. ‘Since when?’ he asked suspiciously.
Bradley realised things weren’t exactly going smoothly. He tried to remember the other advice Angel had given him. Compliments. ‘You know. You have really nice... teeth.’ Bradley said.
‘I have really nice teeth’ Colin repeated slowly.
Bradley nodded vigorously but Colin didn’t look any less suspicious. This wasn’t going well. Abort abort!
‘Okay spill’ Colin said abruptly.
‘What?’
‘You keep disappearing and now you’re acting weird. Besides you have a shifty look about you. Like you have something to hide.’
Bradley smiled at the familiar words. ‘I’m an open book!’ he protested.
‘I don’t believe that for a second. Tell me!’
‘There’s nothing to tell’ Bradley said earnestly.
‘Bullshit! I know you Bradley. You’re hiding something. And I will find out what it is.’
*
‘Status report?’ Katie asked the next day at dinner. Colin was deep in discussion with Olivia and therefore totally oblivious to their conversation.
‘Huh?’ Bradley said.
‘How’s Operation Shag Colin Morgan going?’ she clarified.
‘Is that what we’re calling it? Because I wasn’t informed and I’m not sure...’
‘Bradley!’
‘Not good Katie. Not good.’
‘How’s that?’ Katie asked.
‘He’s just really suspicious.’
‘Yeah well he’s not used to you being nice to him is he?’ Katie pointed out.
‘This is true’ Bradley conceded without shame. ‘But it is making things difficult.’
‘Have you tried the whole getting him to talk about himself thing?’ Katie asked.
‘Not yet.’
‘Then do that and we’ll see how it goes from there.’
‘It’s a plan.’ Bradley put his hand into the middle of the table between them. ‘Hands in?’
‘No’ Katie said bluntly.
There was a slight silence.
‘Well this is awkward.’
*
‘So Colin’ Bradley started once they were both settled on his bed. ‘Tell me about your childhood.’
‘It was fine’ Colin said distractedly. ‘Aren’t you gonna put the movie on?’
‘Nah. I figured we could just talk today.’
Colin looked at him like he’d grown an extra head or two. ‘Okay?’
‘So how was your day?’
‘Umm good I guess. How was yours?’
‘Yeah let’s just keep the focus on you shall we?’ Bradley said sternly and Colin’s frown seemed to double in what-the-fucktitude.
‘So’ Bradley started again. ‘What are your hopes and dreams for the future?’ he asked and then mentally self-congratulated himself for what he considered to be a brilliant question.
But Colin just shrugged. ‘Keep acting I guess.’ He looked suddenly worried. ‘Why? Have you already got plans for after Merlin?’
‘Well’ Bradley started animatedly. ‘I thought I would go to...’ and then he stopped talking abruptly. ‘Oh you’re a tricksy one Colin Morgan I’ll give you that’ he said wagging a finger at Colin. ‘You almost had me there.’
‘Had you?’ Colin repeated faintly, totally bemused.
Bradley ignored him and cast his mind around for a topic. What got Colin talking?
‘Got it! Have you had to do any stunts recently?’
Colin shook his head. ‘Nah. You and the knights get to have all the fun. Maybe you can teach me sword fighting sometime. What was that one you were doing today?’
‘Oh my God!’ Bradley exploded. ‘It’s all you you you with you isn’t it Colin? You just won’t talk about yourself will you?’
Colin looked confused and vaguely terrified by this outburst and Bradley saw him glance longingly at the door. He could feel his already very tenuous grip on this situation slipping away. He needed a fallback. Go for the compliments!
Totally forgetting that it hadn’t helped one iota last time, Bradley blurted out the first thing he could think of. ‘Your hair... I like it. Umm.... it’s all like dark and... fluffy and stuff.’ Wtf? Fluffy! Like a cat? Well done moron. Bradley just kept a grin fixed in place and hoped for the best.
‘Okay what do you want?’ Colin demanded suddenly.
‘Eh?’ Bradley was momentarily floored by this unexpected development.
‘It’s obvious now that I think about it. All this trying really hard to be nice to me recently and pretending to be interested in my life and weird compliments. You want something from me right?’
‘Er...’ was Bradley’s coherent answer.
‘Come on’ Colin said wearily. ‘What is it?’
‘Well actually there is something...’
*
‘You did what?’ Katie screeched and Bradley flinched.
‘I panicked!’ he cried defensively.
‘Yeah you did’ Angel agreed and Bradley glared at her. Angel just shrugged.
‘I was going to tell him everything’ Bradley said sadly. ‘But I just couldn’t. And so I just sort of said that I had noticed that he had got close to Olivia and could he put in a good word for me. It was the first thing that sprang to mind! And I didn’t even get to fill in this!’ he held up a folder entitled Colin’s Hopes and Dreams.
The girls exchanged a horrified look but decided to ignore that for now.
‘So in summary’ Angel said. ‘While you were trying to be nice to Colin for a change you not only ended up shouting at him but you also asked for his help in getting with another girl!’
‘Pretty much’ Bradley concluded miserably.
‘Dude that’s like rule number one!’ Ade said. ‘When chatting up a girl don’t mention how much you wanna get with her best friend.’
‘Well maybe it will work in your favour’ Eoin said slowly and the others turned to look at him.
‘Explain’ Katie said shortly.
‘Maybe it will make Colin jealous yeah? Make him see what he’s missing? It’s like in the movies. A guy that is previously beneath the girl’s interest get’s a girlfriend and BAM, he’s suddenly the most desirable thing she’s ever seen.’
‘You and your movies’ Katie muttered despairingly at the same time Rupert said ‘Yeah but Colin’s not actually a girl.’
Eoin shrugged. ‘Same principle.’
‘Well maybe.’ Bradley said, unconvinced. ‘Either way we need a new plan.’
NEXT PART
*feis ort - Fuck off
Phase One: Know Your Enemy Objective
When Katie walked into what Bradley was calling ‘The War Room’, she had to quickly reshuffle the list of most disturbing things she had ever seen to put this firmly at the top. And she had walked in on her parents having sex at the tender age of six and had the image burnt across her retinas, or at the very least her nightmares, ever since. The thing that grabbed the eye was the massive conference table that took up most of the room and how Bradley had even managed to squeeze it into this tiny basement room of the Cardiff studios was anyone’s guess. Closer inspection revealed it to be flat pack assembled and Katie decided that if Bradley had had anything to do with construction she wasn’t going anywhere near it.
But the concern about the table paled into insignificance when she noticed the walls. There were hundreds of pictures of Colin pasted to every available surface. Colin eating, sleeping, listening to music and even some of his home and family in Ireland. There were maps as well. Massive detailed floor plans of the studio they were currently standing in plus ones of the hotels they frequented in France.
‘I’m scared’ Angel whispered and grabbed Katie’s hand. Katie just nodded mutely, totally unprepared for this situation and she was pretty much mentally prepared for a lot of things ever since Bradley said ‘I need your help. Meet me in the basement.’
The boys arrived next, tired after a long morning being knights and really not in the mood for Bradley’s mind fuckery right now.
‘Ok what the hell is with the shrine?’ Eoin asked, both voicing Katie’s thoughts and sounding at least as terrified as she felt.
‘I’m not joining your cult Bradley’ Santiago said seriously.
Tom and Ade, both relatively new to the world of Bradley merely gaped and then slowly sank into seats.
‘It’s not a cult or a shrine. It’s a War Room’ Bradley said grandly. When he was met with nothing but blank stares he gestured for them to sit down and turned importantly to the white board at the end of the room. ‘Phase one’ he wrote as he spoke. ‘Know your enemy.’
‘Colin’s the enemy now?’ Rupert said, confused.
‘This isn’t some elaborate... very elaborate prank is it? Because Colin is too sweet to prank’ Katie said.
Bradley pulled a face at that. ‘We’re not doing anything to Colin. Well you guys aren’t...’
‘Then surely ‘know your enemy’ isn’t a good name for this. Know your objective would be better’ Ade suggested.
‘Yeah it would be’ Tom agreed.
‘Look it doesn’t really matter what the name of the phase is. It just matters that you know what we are doing’ Bradley said.
‘Which incidentally, we still don’t’ Angel pointed out.
‘Well if you all listen to me for longer than two seconds maybe we would make some progress’ Bradley huffed, frustrated. The others were silent and looked at him expectantly. ‘Thank you. Now the plan is to Woo Colin Morgan.’
There was a brief silence.
‘Woo Colin?’ Katie said slowly. ‘You’ve just decided this after three years have you?’
‘No it’s just my usual charms aren’t working. So I need your help.’
‘Your usual charms?’ Angel said incredulously. ‘You bully him constantly.’
‘Yeah well that’s how I show my affection isn’t it?’
‘You never bully me!’ Katie said, vaguely outraged.
‘That’s because of scared of you’ Bradley answered simply. ‘Look guys. Heads together let’s see if we can come up with a plan.’
‘So what you’re saying is... you want us to help you come up with a plan to pull Colin?’ Rupert asked.
‘Thank you Rupert for that brilliant summation of events’ Bradley said sarcastically.
‘Hey screw you man. Not everyone needs a team of eight people to pull a guy they’ve been friends with for three years.’
‘Exactly!’ Bradley exclaimed. ‘I’ve been well and truly relegated to the friend zone. That’s why I need help!’
Rupert had barely been listening though, just continued on with his tirade. ‘...and its lunchtime and they do pizza on Wednesdays.’ He made to leave.
‘Ah but do they have malteasers?’ Bradley said pulling his trump card and producing several bags of malteasers. Rupert immediately sat down again.
‘Right what are we waiting for? Let’s brain storm. Oh wait sorry that’s offensive nowadays isn’t it. Let’s thought shower!’
*
Colin sat alone at the big table usually reserved for the younger cast members and peered around the conspicuously quiet cafeteria.
‘Where the hell is everyone?’ he asked aloud.
‘Who are you talking too?’
Colin span in his chair. ‘Oh hi Olivia.’
Olivia Hallinan was the latest person to join the cast for the forth series. ‘Do you mind if I sit?’ she asked.
Colin glanced up and down the empty table once more. ‘If you can fit yourself in between all these people’ he said and she laughed shyly and slid into the seat opposite him.
Colin examined her for a moment.
‘Ah’ he said suddenly and she glanced up in surprise.
‘What?’
‘Well I know that under that brunette exterior you hide a red head and I’m afraid that makes me naturally distrustful of you.’
She seemed unaffected by this statement. ‘Oh? See me in Lark Rise did you?’
‘Sugar Rush’ he admitted and she quirked an eyebrow.
‘Do I want to ask why you were watching a drama revolving around the life of a teenage lesbian?’
‘Well when I found out about this role I watched pretty much everything I could find that Johnny or Julian had been involved in. Good sucking up material you know? And now I come to think of it that must be why there are so many homoerotic undertones in Merlin.’
Olivia nodded sagely. ‘Once you’ve produced a lesbian drama it’s hard to go back.’
*
‘Well in my very vast experience of chick flicks what you really need is a grand gesture’ Eoin said. Everyone stared at him incredulously. ‘What?’ Eoin said defensively. ‘They give me warm fuzzies.’
‘Anyway’ Bradley said. ‘What’s your idea?’
‘A song of course. Serenading always works. It’s like a rule of life. 10 Things I hate About You, Say Anything, Love Actually I think, possibly. Or at the very least there is a song playing while placards are used but yeah... loads of films.’
‘You can only think of two and a half examples’ Katie said, totally unconvinced.
But Bradley was already interrupting her. ‘That’s a brilliant idea. I’ll need an instrument though. Angel can I...’
‘No’ Angel said.
‘You don’t even know what I’m gonna say.’
‘You’re going to ask to borrow my guitar and the answer is no.’
‘Why?’
‘You break things’ Angel said plainly.
‘I do not!’ Bradley cried in outrage. ‘Name one thing of yours I’ve broken.’
‘You broke Katie’s glasses yesterday.’
‘One thing of yours’ Bradley repeated.
‘Ok. You dropped my ipod in the lake.’
‘That was one time!’ Bradley shouted. ‘And I bought you a new one.’
‘Not the point’ Angel said stubbornly. ‘To me that guitar is irreplaceable and there is no way I’m ever going to let you touch it let alone borrow it.’
‘Ok fine! Does anyone else have an instrument I can borrow?’
Everyone quickly ducked their heads and pretended to look busy. Ade even tried a nonchalant whistle. Bradley frowned. ‘Well I’m sure I’ll think of something’ he sniffed.
‘Bradley I’m pretty certain that this whole thing is going to lead to a series of heart warming but pointless escapades in which Colin remains oblivious and you get gradually more frustrated and while I’m sure we’ll all learn some valuable ‘life lessons’ I can’t help but think it would be easier to just tell Colin how you feel’ Katie said in one long rush.
Bradley looked at her consideringly for about half a second. ‘Don’t be silly Katie. This plan is foolproof.’
*
‘Say Bradley’ Eoin said as they all started to file out of the room to get back to set. ‘How about we make this more interesting?’
Bradley looked at him in surprise. ‘You mean a bet? You know I’m already quite interested in the outcome.’
‘More interesting for me’ Eoin clarified. ‘Come on you’re gonna do your best anyway aren’t you? And this way if you win you can spoil Colin with a nice dinner or something on me.’
‘Hmm...’ Bradley bit his lip. ‘What would the terms be?’
‘Fifty quid says you can’t pull Colin in ten days. You know like the movie?’
Bradley’s eyebrows shot up. ‘Make it thirty days and you’ve got yourself a deal’ he said eventually.
Eoin thought for a few seconds. ‘Okay. Deal.’
They shook hands.
Phase Two: A Failsafe Combination
Colin was worried. And a bit annoyed. The only time he had seen Bradley all day was in the car on the way back to the hotel. He and the others had arrived on set a little late after the lunch break looking conspiratorial. Or maybe that was just his paranoid mind talking but they had disappeared without him for an hour.
And then when they had got back to the hotel Colin had offered Bradley Buffy and cake, two things that usually resulted in a cartoon like Bradley shaped outline left in the air as he moved so fast to take him up on the offer. This time though he hardly seemed to be listening. He just murmured something vague about having to do research and then wandered off with his bag jangling and muttering about Westlife.
It was definitely Cause For Concern in Colin’s mind. He could have hung out with one of the others but he suddenly wasn’t in the mood for socialising, just offering them a ‘good night’ before disappearing into his room.
*
Colin woke to a horrible sound. A sort of vaguely rhythmic thumping accompanied by a jangling and screeching. He glanced around the room, grabbed the bed side lamp and tiptoed towards the door. As he drew closer to the source of the racket he thought he could pick out words.
With me, boy, is where you belong, just stay right here
I promise my dear I’ll put nothin above ya, above ya
Love me, Love me, say that you love me
His frown deepened and he took a deep breath before wrenching the door open and raising the lamp threateningly above his head.
‘Jesus Colin!’ Bradley exclaimed, pausing in his song and taking several hurried steps back. ‘What were you planning on doing with that?’ he asked, motioning to the lamp.
‘I was going to clobber you with it’ Colin said matter-of-factly. ‘I thought something terrible was happening. What are you doing with that?’ he added pointing at the tambourine in Bradley’s hand.
‘Ah yes.’ Bradley seemed to be getting over the initial shock of almost being assaulted by a mad man with a lamp. ‘Listen carefully Col, this is important.’
He took a deep breath and started to sing again.
Fool me, Fool me, oh how you do me
Kiss me, Kiss me, say that you miss me
Tell me what I wanna hear, tell me you love me
Bradley paused, frowning while Colin gaped at him in something akin to horror.
‘Um mash up!’ Bradley shouted, unable to remember the words.
And I was like baby, baby, baby ohhh
Like baby, baby, baby noo
Like baby, baby, baby ohh
I thought you’d always be mine mine
Bradley trailed off with a particularly fervent tambourine shake. There was a moment of silence. ‘So what did you think?’ Bradley asked hopefully, lowering the tambourine at last.
‘Oh...’ Colin tried to think of something constructive to say. It was weird because Bradley was usually a pretty good singer so Colin could only assume that the song was meant to sound like that which didn’t exactly increase his faith in modern pop music. Or humanity.
‘Erm... very enthusiastic tambourining’ he settled for eventually.
‘What about the words’ Bradley pressed.
‘Well clearly whoever wrote that is a bit special with a capital R if he can’t think of a better way to express his feelings that with the word ‘ohhhh’’ Colin said caustically. ‘Now if you don’t mind next time can you please save your musical education lessons for a time that isn’t...’ Colin paused to glance at his watch, ‘fucking 3.30 in the morning.’
‘But no that isn’t...’ Bradley started.
‘Good night!’ Colin shouted and slammed the door and Bradley distinctly heard him mutter feis ort.*
‘Well fuck.’
*
‘He thought I was doing one of my usual ‘listen to this and be educated in the world of pop music’ lessons’ Bradley wailed later. Only he, Angel and Katie were in the ‘War Room’ as the knights and Merlin were off on some quest to save Arthur who was unconscious. For a change. ‘I can’t really blame him. I do do that a lot.’
‘What music did you do?’ Katie asked, patting his shoulder absently in what she hoped was a concerned manner.
‘Bieber and a tambourine!’ Bradley exclaimed. ‘Failsafe combination right? And I went to a lot of effort to steal that tambourine from props as well’ he pouted.
‘There was a tambourine in props?’ Angel asked in surprise. ‘... which totally isn’t the point right now’ she added seeing Katie’s look. ‘I think where you went wrong Bradley, is that only 12 year olds and mentally deficient people like Justin Bieber. And his lyrics aren’t exactly meaningful.’
‘It was a Bieber mashup!’ Bradley protested. ‘And anyway that’s so not true. I like Justin Bieber.’
‘Exactly’ Angel said and she and Katie snorted and high fived at the look on Bradley’s face.
Katie cleared her throat and tried to look sympathetic. ‘What Angel means is, maybe you should have sang a song that Colin likes or one that actually means something to the pair of you.’
‘Yeah well hindsight is always 20-20’ Bradley said grumpily. Katie and Angel exchanged a look. This was going to be harder than they thought. And they thought that it was gonna be pretty hard.
‘Hang on a second’ Angel said. ‘When exactly did you do this? We only talked about this yesterday.’
‘Last night at like 3.30’ Bradley said unconcernedly.
‘Well that may have been another factor. Colin did have a 7am call this morning’ Katie said carefully.
‘Jesus I don’t know how he puts up with you’ Angel said with a lot less sensitivity than Katie had been displaying. ‘If you turned up at my door at three in the morning I would have told you to fuck off.’
‘I think he swore at me in Gaelic’ Bradley said thoughtfully. ‘It was hot.’
‘Moving on’ Katie said after a beat of silence. ‘We need a new plan.’
*
Phase Three: The Gospel according to Teen Magazine
‘So apparently there are other people on the cast,’ Olivia said to Colin at lunchtime. ‘I’ve just never seen them.’
‘Yeah they do seem to be disappearing a lot recently’ Colin agreed with a small frown, that feeling of unease coming back in full force.
‘I don’t even get scenes with them.’
‘Well that’s what you get for being a hermit’ Colin chuckled, referring to her character for the season.
‘It’s very dull being a hermit. Maybe that’s why I’m crazy and hell bent on Camelot’s destruction. Just for something to do’ Olivia said thoughtfully.
‘I don’t know. A lot of people are crazy and hell bent on Camelot’s destruction and they’re not hermits. I think you just use that a crutch’ Colin sniffed and Olivia laughed.
Colin smiled back.
*
‘Okay is everyone here?’ Angel asked as the guys piled in. ‘Then I will explain my plan. In my formative years and admittedly many years after my formative years I would look at this magazine for advice, for guidance. And guide me it did, through thick and thin, through the good times and the bad, through...’
‘Oh my God Angel, get to the point’ Santiago said with an affectionate eye roll.
Angel pouted.
‘Wait a minute’ Eoin interrupted whatever Angel had been about to say. ‘Are you suggesting Bradley get’s pulling tips from some chick magazine?’ He sounded about as convinced about her idea as Katie had been about his.
‘Well it is directly designed for picking up lads. And Colin is one last time I checked’ Angel said defensively.
‘When did you check?’ Bradley asked with a kind of amused outrage. ‘Hussy.’
Angel stuck her tongue out at him.
Tom arched an eyebrow. ‘Who’s to say that there’s even any flirting tips in there?’
‘Oh there will be’ Angel said with utmost certainty. ‘There always is. Just give me a sec.’
Angel flicked through the magazine and before Bradley could even open his mouth in an attempt to make idle conversation she had found something. ‘Here it is!’
‘How to get a guy in 10 days’ Katie read over Angels shoulder. ‘What magazine is this again?’
‘Teen Magazine’ Angel said.
‘Well it’s changed since I were a lass’ Katie said spotting the almost pornographic but ‘tastefully done’ picture accompanying the article. ‘That was a more innocent time’ she sighed.
Angel was scanning the article. ‘Okay paraphrasing here but basically this is what you need to do’ she said. ‘Lots of eye contact, be interested in what he’s interested in...’
‘Urgh I’m not pretending to care about his vegetarian save the world claptrap’ Bradley protested.
‘Look do you want to get into his pants or not?’ Angel demanded.
‘Yes Angel.’
‘Well then. Where was I? Right try not to be too available hmm that one might be tricky. Retain an air of mystery. Impossible for you. Compliment him and get him talking about himself because men like nothing better than to talk about themselves.’
There was a distinct murmur of offence from the six men in the room. Angel ignored them. ‘Smile at him. Well duh. And touching in safe areas. Yeah that’s about it.’
‘Excuse me? What’s a ‘safe area?’’ Bradley asked.
‘You know like shoulder’s, back, waist, hands.’ It was Ade that answered. ‘Nothing too forward but enough to show you’re interested.
‘And thus Teen Magazine expounded its wisdom and Bradley saw that it was good’ Angel said sagely.
‘Shut up Angel’ several voices said at once.
*
‘Okay what is with you? You’re starting to freak me out.’ Colin said abruptly. He and Bradley were sat either end of the sofa they often ran lines on, feet tangled in the middle just like always.
‘Eh?’ Bradley said.
‘All this looking and smiling. It’s unnatural.’
Bradley clapped him on the shin. He figured that was a ‘safe area’. ‘You do realise you sound ridiculous right? Looking and smiling? They’re hardly crimes.’
‘And yesterday you asked me for the recipe of the mushroom risotto I made. I almost choked.’
‘I’m just interested in your life Colin’ Bradley said.
Colin stared at him. ‘Since when?’ he asked suspiciously.
Bradley realised things weren’t exactly going smoothly. He tried to remember the other advice Angel had given him. Compliments. ‘You know. You have really nice... teeth.’ Bradley said.
‘I have really nice teeth’ Colin repeated slowly.
Bradley nodded vigorously but Colin didn’t look any less suspicious. This wasn’t going well. Abort abort!
‘Okay spill’ Colin said abruptly.
‘What?’
‘You keep disappearing and now you’re acting weird. Besides you have a shifty look about you. Like you have something to hide.’
Bradley smiled at the familiar words. ‘I’m an open book!’ he protested.
‘I don’t believe that for a second. Tell me!’
‘There’s nothing to tell’ Bradley said earnestly.
‘Bullshit! I know you Bradley. You’re hiding something. And I will find out what it is.’
*
‘Status report?’ Katie asked the next day at dinner. Colin was deep in discussion with Olivia and therefore totally oblivious to their conversation.
‘Huh?’ Bradley said.
‘How’s Operation Shag Colin Morgan going?’ she clarified.
‘Is that what we’re calling it? Because I wasn’t informed and I’m not sure...’
‘Bradley!’
‘Not good Katie. Not good.’
‘How’s that?’ Katie asked.
‘He’s just really suspicious.’
‘Yeah well he’s not used to you being nice to him is he?’ Katie pointed out.
‘This is true’ Bradley conceded without shame. ‘But it is making things difficult.’
‘Have you tried the whole getting him to talk about himself thing?’ Katie asked.
‘Not yet.’
‘Then do that and we’ll see how it goes from there.’
‘It’s a plan.’ Bradley put his hand into the middle of the table between them. ‘Hands in?’
‘No’ Katie said bluntly.
There was a slight silence.
‘Well this is awkward.’
*
‘So Colin’ Bradley started once they were both settled on his bed. ‘Tell me about your childhood.’
‘It was fine’ Colin said distractedly. ‘Aren’t you gonna put the movie on?’
‘Nah. I figured we could just talk today.’
Colin looked at him like he’d grown an extra head or two. ‘Okay?’
‘So how was your day?’
‘Umm good I guess. How was yours?’
‘Yeah let’s just keep the focus on you shall we?’ Bradley said sternly and Colin’s frown seemed to double in what-the-fucktitude.
‘So’ Bradley started again. ‘What are your hopes and dreams for the future?’ he asked and then mentally self-congratulated himself for what he considered to be a brilliant question.
But Colin just shrugged. ‘Keep acting I guess.’ He looked suddenly worried. ‘Why? Have you already got plans for after Merlin?’
‘Well’ Bradley started animatedly. ‘I thought I would go to...’ and then he stopped talking abruptly. ‘Oh you’re a tricksy one Colin Morgan I’ll give you that’ he said wagging a finger at Colin. ‘You almost had me there.’
‘Had you?’ Colin repeated faintly, totally bemused.
Bradley ignored him and cast his mind around for a topic. What got Colin talking?
‘Got it! Have you had to do any stunts recently?’
Colin shook his head. ‘Nah. You and the knights get to have all the fun. Maybe you can teach me sword fighting sometime. What was that one you were doing today?’
‘Oh my God!’ Bradley exploded. ‘It’s all you you you with you isn’t it Colin? You just won’t talk about yourself will you?’
Colin looked confused and vaguely terrified by this outburst and Bradley saw him glance longingly at the door. He could feel his already very tenuous grip on this situation slipping away. He needed a fallback. Go for the compliments!
Totally forgetting that it hadn’t helped one iota last time, Bradley blurted out the first thing he could think of. ‘Your hair... I like it. Umm.... it’s all like dark and... fluffy and stuff.’ Wtf? Fluffy! Like a cat? Well done moron. Bradley just kept a grin fixed in place and hoped for the best.
‘Okay what do you want?’ Colin demanded suddenly.
‘Eh?’ Bradley was momentarily floored by this unexpected development.
‘It’s obvious now that I think about it. All this trying really hard to be nice to me recently and pretending to be interested in my life and weird compliments. You want something from me right?’
‘Er...’ was Bradley’s coherent answer.
‘Come on’ Colin said wearily. ‘What is it?’
‘Well actually there is something...’
*
‘You did what?’ Katie screeched and Bradley flinched.
‘I panicked!’ he cried defensively.
‘Yeah you did’ Angel agreed and Bradley glared at her. Angel just shrugged.
‘I was going to tell him everything’ Bradley said sadly. ‘But I just couldn’t. And so I just sort of said that I had noticed that he had got close to Olivia and could he put in a good word for me. It was the first thing that sprang to mind! And I didn’t even get to fill in this!’ he held up a folder entitled Colin’s Hopes and Dreams.
The girls exchanged a horrified look but decided to ignore that for now.
‘So in summary’ Angel said. ‘While you were trying to be nice to Colin for a change you not only ended up shouting at him but you also asked for his help in getting with another girl!’
‘Pretty much’ Bradley concluded miserably.
‘Dude that’s like rule number one!’ Ade said. ‘When chatting up a girl don’t mention how much you wanna get with her best friend.’
‘Well maybe it will work in your favour’ Eoin said slowly and the others turned to look at him.
‘Explain’ Katie said shortly.
‘Maybe it will make Colin jealous yeah? Make him see what he’s missing? It’s like in the movies. A guy that is previously beneath the girl’s interest get’s a girlfriend and BAM, he’s suddenly the most desirable thing she’s ever seen.’
‘You and your movies’ Katie muttered despairingly at the same time Rupert said ‘Yeah but Colin’s not actually a girl.’
Eoin shrugged. ‘Same principle.’
‘Well maybe.’ Bradley said, unconvinced. ‘Either way we need a new plan.’
NEXT PART
*feis ort - Fuck off