Fic: One Day (Part 1)
Title: One Day
Pairing(s)/Character(s): Bradley/Colin, Colin/OFC, Bradley/OC
Rating: NC-17
Summary: A fic inspired by the novel "One Day" by David Nicholls. 'They meet for the first time on the night of their graduation. Tomorrow they must go their separate ways. So where will they be on this one day next year? And the year after that? And every year that follows? Twenty years, two people, ONE DAY.' Adapted for Bradley and Colin.
Warnings (if any): Mentioned character death, mild angst.
Total word count: 36,800
Original prompt number: 358 - Submitted by hungry_bkworm91
Disclaimer: This story/artwork is based on characters and situations created and owned by the David Nicholls, BBC and Shine TV. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Author's/artist's notes (if any): Ok first off thank you for this prompt. I’ve never actually read the book so sorry if this wasn’t exactly what you were looking for but this prompt really inspired me to get writing and it sort of ran away with me a bit. I hope you enjoy it XD. Originally written for merlin_muses
Beta(s): IGotTheMusicInMe
15th September 2007
9.02 am
He was nervous. The great Bradley James was nervous. He wouldn’t admit it but he was giving himself away with the way his leg was jiggling up and down and the way he was chewing on the pencil in his hand, a habit he had broken years ago.
The man sitting across from him shot him a shy smile. Bradley studied him. A young man, barely more than a boy really with scruffy hair and an oversized hoody. So this was Merlin. Bradley wasn’t sure what he was expecting so it was hard to say whether this boy (Colin was it?) lived up to his expectations or not. He certainly had a certain quality about him with his sweet smile and dazzling eyes.
‘So’ Colin said awkwardly.
‘So’ Bradley echoed and there was an uncomfortable silence before they both laughed.
‘Bit surreal this isn’t it?’ Colin said.
Bradley did a slight double take. ‘Ok sorry but you’re gonna have to repeat that because I swear you said something about cereal but I’m guessing that’s not right.’
Colin looked at him like he had grown an extra head and then smiled carefully as if Bradley was some kind of maniac than needed humouring. ‘This is a bit surreal isn’t it?’ Colin repeated more slowly and clearly.
‘Oooh surreal! Yes it is. Arthur and Merlin meet for the first time. The start of a great destiny! Just think - a year from now we’ll be on the television. Actually on TV. How amazing is that? I mean I know we don’t start filming for another six months but I’m already excited about it aren’t you? And you know the cast is great! I can’t believe I’m actually going to meet Giles. Oh I mean Anthony of course. Still it’s cool.’ Bradley finally stopped babbling and bit his lip slightly.
‘Er yeah it’s great’ Colin seemed uncertain of how to respond to Bradley’s tirade and not entirely sure what he was agreeing to. Bradley didn’t seem to mind though. He just grinned in slight embarrassment and shrugged as if to say ‘yeah I talk a lot.’
‘Hi guys’ James Hawes and Johnny Capps entered the room at that point. ‘Are we ready for our read through?’
*
12.30 pm
‘OK guys as you know this was the last stage in the casting to check that we had good chemistry between our leads... don’t look so worried! You two are brilliant together. I think you’re going to be fantastic leads. The others are coming in this afternoon so why don’t you take an hour for lunch and afterwards we can do a full cast read through?’ Johnny asked them as they finished for the morning.
‘Sounds great!’ Bradley said enthusiastically and Colin nodded his assent with a grin.
‘Excellent. The canteen is just down the corridor on the left.’ With that Johnny and James both strode from the room simultaneously muttering to each other in low voices and feverishly scribbling on their copies of the script.
Colin and Bradley watched them go in mild confusion before turning back to each other.
‘So...’ Colin said and then laughed at himself. ‘I’ve got to stop using that as an opening gambit in conversation. It doesn’t exactly make me sound intelligent.’
‘Why are you gambling?’ Bradley said having heard and understood about three words in the sentence, one of which he was pretty sure was gamble. Colin merely rolled his eyes, an already familiar gesture as Bradley had misheard him about five times that day already.
‘Look let’s go get lunch yeah?’ Colin said slowly and carefully and Bradley was quite tempted to point out that he ‘wasn’t an idiot thank you very much’ but he had already displayed an alarming amount of evidence to the contrary so decided it was safer just to answer the question.
‘Yeah cool. After you.’
It took them ten minutes to find the canteen. It turned out that ‘just down the corridor’ was producer speak for two fucking miles down the corridor. Well maybe that was a slight exaggeration but still. It was a long way. At least it was a good bonding experience as they had to share the embarrassment of being yelled at by everyone they accidentally burst in on.
‘Day 4 in the Quest For The Cafeteria and still no sign. After trying every single door on the left side of the hall our intrepid explorers had conceded defeat and decided to ask for directions’ Bradley proclaimed in a David Attenborough style voice.
‘Have we?’ Colin asked, seemingly unfazed by Bradley’s sudden outburst.
‘Well... unless you’ve got a better idea?’
‘Nah you’re right. As much as all my manly instincts balk at the idea of asking directions and insist we simply keep walking in circles and maintain our pride, my stomach agrees with you.’
A long pause and then... ‘Eh?’ Bradley asked.
‘Yes let’s ask for directions’ Colin spoke in the way English people often talk to foreigners. I.e. he shouted, spoke more slowly and used lots of unnecessary hand gestures.
Bradley scowled. ‘Are you actually speaking English?’ he asked suspiciously.
‘Yes!’ Colin exclaimed with a flash of irritation.
‘Are you sure? Because it sounds more like Dutch to me.’
‘I’m sure. And have you ever heard Dutch?’
‘Well no but...’ Bradley started but Colin cut him off with a wave of his arms and pointed. Bradley followed the movement and saw that a young woman had just emerged from a room across the hall.
‘Our intrepid explorers have encountered life at last and approach with caution, not yet certain on whether this life form is a threat’ Bradley continued his spiel.
‘Not now’ Colin hissed and smacked him on the arm.
‘Owww’ Bradley whined and pouted. The girl looked up at the noise and the two boys quickly schooled their expressions into smiles.
‘Excuse me miss I don’t suppose you could point us in the direction of the canteen could you?’ Colin asked politely. The girl looked at him for a long moment and then smiled apologetically.
‘Sorry I don’t speak... Norwegian?’ she tried, looking dubious. Bradley bit back a snort of laughter at the expression on Colin’s face. Colin wondered if all English people were idiots or just the ones he had had the misfortune to meet.
‘Don’t mind him’ Bradley cut in smoothly. ‘We were wondering if you could show us the way to the cafeteria?’
The woman gave him a similar look of confusion and Bradley was starting to think it was the woman that was maybe a little special with a capital 5, when she pointed to the room behind them. The room they had just been standing in front of.
Oh.
‘Well it’s not very well sign posted is it?’ Bradley grumbled mainly to himself. The girl didn’t say anything but allowed her eyes to stray upward to the massive CAFETERIA sign above the double doors.
‘Heh thank you so much’ Colin said awkwardly and the girl walked away looking vaguely relieved.
Colin turned to Bradley.‘Let us never speak of this again.’
‘Agreed.’
*
5.05 pm
‘So do you guys wanna go grab a drink for a bit of Merlin bonding?’ Bradley asked once they had finished for the day. He was addressing this invitation to Colin, Katie and Angel.
‘Yeah sounds grand’ Colin replied. Bradley heard the ‘yeah’ so figured it didn’t matter what the end of the sentence was.
‘I’m in’ Angel smiled.
‘Yep me too’ Katie added.
‘Great. Now where’s the nearest pub?’ Bradley said enthusiastically.
His words were greeted with 3 matching expressions of confusion and a silence.
‘Well I’m sure it can’t be that hard to find’ Colin said chirpily.
‘That’s what you said about the cafeteria’ Bradley muttered so only Colin heard him. Colin ignored him.
‘Let’s move out!’
*
6 pm
‘After spending the best part of an hour searching for a pub our intrepid explorers have finally stumbled upon quite a dodgy looking establishment named the White Hart.’
‘Do you always do that?’ Colin asked Bradley.
‘Do what?’
‘Narrate your own life in a creepy documentary style sort of way.’
‘Nah it’s just something I’m trying out. What do you think?’
‘It’s weird.’ Colin said plainly. Bradley scowled.
‘I know one intrepid explorer that won’t be getting his beer.’
‘Don’t worry Colin. I’ll buy you a beer’ Angel practically cooed at him and Bradley scowled some more. The girls were already treating Colin like an adorable puppy that needed a lot of care and affection. It was ridiculous. Colin was a grown man for God’s Sake. Anyway if anyone here was an adorable puppy it was Bradley.
‘That’s all right Angel. You’ve single-handedly restored my faith in the English’ Colin smiled.
‘Oh?’ Angel seemed confused.
‘Yeah ‘cos you actually understand me when I talk. It’s somewhat of a novelty. Especially after spending the day with Bradley.’
Angel laughed and they both turned to look at Bradley who was staring at them obliviously, clearly having no clue what Colin had just said which just made them laugh even more.
‘Alright I’ll get the first round in’ Katie said. ‘You guys go sit down.’
*
7.30pm
‘This sounds like a bad idea’ Angel said.
‘Why?’ Bradley asked.
‘Well I’ve only just met you guys. I feel like I should, you know try and keep in some of the crazy, or at least until I’ve had enough to drink that I don’t think it’s crazy’ Angel said reasonably.
‘Angel, Bradley has spent the day talking like David Attenborough. I don’t think you’ve got anything to worry about.’ Colin pointed out.
‘Hey!’ Bradley exclaimed.
‘Did you understand that?’ Colin asked in surprise.
‘Yes I’ve got my ear in now.’ Bradley said proudly.
‘Oh... good.’ Colin smiled, sudden and blinding and Bradley couldn’t help but grin in response.
‘I don’t know...’ Angel was still dubious.
‘Oh come on we won’t judge you’ Katie said.
‘Yeah it’s just a bit of fun!’ Colin cried.
‘Alright then’ Angel conceded defeat. ‘I would marry Sean Connery, shag Nick Clegg and kill Robert Pattinson.’
‘You would kill Robert Pattinson? Even I would shag him and I’m a bloke’ Colin said in amazement.
‘Ew would you really marry Sean Connery? He’s old!’ Katie wrinkled up her nose in disgust.
‘You would shag Nick Clegg? He’s married you hussy!’ Bradley added.
‘You said you wouldn’t judge me!’ Angel shouted.
‘We lied’ Colin said and laughed.
‘OK look. I hate Twilight so Pattinson is dead. I would marry Connery because he’s the oldest and is rich and would therefore die and leave me a large inheritance and I would shag Nick Clegg because that was all that was left.’
‘You know it makes a lot of sense when you put it like that’ Bradley conceded after a pause.
‘Right I think it’s my turn to think of one’ Angel said with an evil gleam in her eye.
‘My round is it?’ Colin asked and fled.
*
10.25 pm
‘How can you shag Emma Watson over Megan fox?’ Bradley asked in amazement.
‘I just think Megan Fox would be really boring.’ Katie said defensively.
‘You don’t have to talk to them’ Bradley said.
‘Thank you for that insight into the male mind Bradley.’ Katie said. ‘I’m still killing Megan Fox.’
Colin and Bradley looked at each other in disbelief. ‘Sacrilege’ Colin muttered in horror and Bradley laughed.
‘...which means I would marry Johnny Depp of course because at least he’s a man and he makes a fit pirate.’ Katie finished.
‘I can’t believe we’ve been playing this for 2 hours’ Angel said.
‘Not just this. We also played ‘Which would you rather?’ and ‘I have Never’ and that thing with the lies. ‘Two truths one lie’ that’s it. I think it’s been a good bonding experience.’ Bradley said.
‘That’s because they were all your idea so you would think that’ Colin laughed.
‘Sorry Colin, I didn’t catch that’ Bradley said in a tone that made it quite clear that he had heard but was just ignoring him.
‘We’re not even that drunk. Basically we’re just over sharing’ Katie said in despair.
*
11.09 pm
‘Oh gosh look at the time. I have to get the train back home tonight. I best go’ Angel said, spurred into a sudden panic by her errant glance at the clock. ‘My dad will be going frantic. See you in April!’ with that she was gone, throwing her share of the money onto the table as she left.
‘I best be off too’ Bradley said. I’m staying at a mates and it would be rude to keep him waiting up.’
‘Yeah I should go as well’ Katie said.
‘Well I’m not going to stay here on my own am I?’ Colin laughed and got up too.
The three of them walked to the door of the pub together before realising they were all going in separate directions.
‘Well I guess this is goodbye’ Colin said, slightly awkward as usual.
‘Don’t make it sound so dramatic!’ Katie laughed. ‘I’ll see you in April. Bye guys!’ she waved and then set off briskly.
‘Until we meet again’ Bradley smiled and shook Colin’s hand and then he too was gone.
‘Until we meet again’ Colin echoed to himself and smiled.
*
15th September 2008
6.47 am
‘Morning’ Colin chirped with indecent energy for the time it was.
‘Meh’ was all Bradley could manage in response before promptly stealing the cup of coffee from Colin’s hands. Clearly he didn’t need it.
‘Last day of filming Bradley. Where’s your energy?’ Colin said disapprovingly and taking the coffee back.
‘Still in bed where I should be’ Bradley moaned. Colin sighed and then rifled through his bag before pulling out a can of red bull and chucking it at Bradley who was only just awake enough to catch it.
‘Get that down you. We’re just doing pick-ups today. It should be fairly hassle free.’ Colin said.
‘Thanks mate. But that’s easy for you to say. I have to do a fighting scene’ Bradley groaned before cracking the can and gulping down most of its contents in one go.
‘Moan moan moan’ Colin teased and ruffled his hair. ‘What a hard life you lead.’
‘And don’t you forget it’ Bradley smiled and Colin rolled his eyes at him but somehow managed to make the gesture affectionate.
‘It’s weird that people have already seen the first few episodes and we’re still filming isn’t it?’ Colin commented.
‘Yeah my mum called me the other day and said that I looked good on TV but that I should smile more so that people wouldn’t think I was a grump.’ Bradley said despairingly. ‘I was like ‘it’s the character! I’m you know broody and mysterious with hidden depths’. And she was all ‘of course you are dear’.’
Colin laughed. ‘My mum says that I shouldn’t have got my hair cut that way and I too had to explain that I wasn’t exactly in control of any of that stuff anymore and that if they wanted to die my hair green, my contract says I have to do it. And she said ‘don’t even think about dying your hair green!’ Mum’s never listen do they?’
‘You got that right.’ Bradley agreed and he clinked his can against Colin’s coffee cup.
*
10.00 am
‘I think that if the penguin had a laser beam and the polar bear had a broken leg then it would have a chance.’ Colin said.
‘Anything would have a chance if it had a laser beam.’ Bradley pointed out.
‘What are you two talking about’ Angel asked, sitting beside them.
‘Bradley asked me if I thought a penguin would ever have a chance against a polar bear.’ Colin explained.
‘Well they would never have to find out seeing as how they live in different hemispheres’ Angel said.
‘Duh this is a theoretical fight Angel!’ Bradley cried.
‘Of course how silly of me’ Angel said wryly.
‘What if the penguin was proficient with ninja weapons and the polar bear had a broken leg?’ Colin suggested.
‘How would a penguin become an expert with ninja weapons?’ Bradley asked.
‘I thought this was a theoretical fight.’ Colin snarked back.
‘Ok forget that. What about a wombat with spikes versus a small chimp.’ Bradley said.
‘You know I’m not entirely sure what a wombat looks like. And what would be the size of a small chimp? Like smaller than a Labrador but bigger than a terrier?’ Colin said.
‘Well I suppose it depends on what breed of terrier it is’ Bradley said thoughtfully.
‘Oh my God I can’t take it! Is this really what you spend all your free time doing?’ Angel exclaimed.
‘No... sometimes we plan pranks’ Bradley grinned.
‘Yes I know all about that’ Angel said with a grimace.
‘And sometimes we run lines. You know we occasionally do our jobs’ Colin chipped in.
‘Yes sometimes.’ Bradley conceded. ‘Or we mount spider rescue missions.’
‘Haha good times’ Colin said reminiscently. ‘Hey Bradley what would win in a fight between big but non-venomous spider and a stag beetle?’
*
1.37pm
‘Hey Col. Col! I saved you a seat.’ Bradley shouted and waved his arms exuberantly to attract Colin’s attention.
‘Thanks Bradley’ Colin slid gratefully into the empty chair. ‘God what a morning!’
‘Oh?’ Bradley said curiously as he shovelled chips into his mouth. ‘Why’s that?’
‘I can feel the sympathy rolling off you’ Colin said sarcastically.
‘Hey if I remember rightly you were the one who said it was gonna be hassle free’ Bradley pointed out, waving his knife vaguely in Colin’s direction to emphasise his point and causing Colin to flinch.
‘What have I told you about waving cutlery around?’ Colin complained.
‘Not to do it.’ Bradley sighed. ‘Anyway why was you morning bad?’
‘Ah I was just doing that scene with Michelle and Richard where I think Gaius is dead. I had to cry.’ Colin pulled a face.
‘Don’t they give you tear stick?’ Bradley asked unsympathetically.
‘Yeah but... you know. I had to tap into the emotion of the scene.’ Colin said and looked so pathetic that Bradley knew he would have to cheer him up somehow.
‘So Colin what do you want for your birthday?’ Bradley said abruptly. Hey he never said it was a good plan.
‘Eh?’ Colin seemed confused and with good reason seeing as his birthday wasn’t for another four months and it was also totally unrelated to the conversation that had just been happening.
‘Come on anything in the world.’ Bradley said grandly.
Colin thought for a moment. ‘Anything?’ Bradley nodded. ‘In that case I want a unicorn.’
‘A unicorn?’ Bradley repeated slowly. ‘Could you be any more of a girl?’
‘Probably’ Colin said cheerfully.
‘Hmm how would we go about creating a unicorn?’ Bradley mused.
‘Hey that’s your problem now. You said I could have anything.’
‘Well, while I meant anything within the realms of possibility, I’m sure we can work out a solution to this dilemma. What about a horse with a horn duct taped to its head?’
‘Duct tape is your answer to everything. Anyway it’s not very mystical is it?’ Colin scoffed.
‘I’m hearing problems Colin but I’m not hearing solutions’ Bradley said in an uncanny impression of Julian’s voice. Colin laughed and Bradley smiled thinking that’s better.
‘Ok how about this for a solution? You breed a horse with a narwhal. Narwhals are like the unicorn of the ocean.’
‘I can think of a few logistical problems with that. I mean would we put the horse in a tank of water or...’
‘No no no!’ Colin interrupted him. ‘Narwhal’s breathe air. So you would bring a narwhal onto land and... I don’t know. Pour water over him every now and then?’
‘That’s probably foreplay to a narwhal’ Bradley said and Colin laughed again.
‘Ew’ is all Colin had to say to that.
‘Anyway I’m not entirely sure that this unholy union would result in a unicorn.’ Bradley said.
‘What you mean it might come out with flippers or something?’ Colin asked.
‘What like this?’ Bradley said and then did what came to be known as his ‘fucked up unicorn’ impression. He scrunched up his face, tilted his body to one side and then flapped his arms frantically like they were flippers. Colin stared at him for a moment and then burst out laughing.
Bradley smiled at Colin’s hilarity. Mission complete
*
6.39 pm
‘Can I have your attention please!’ Johnny called as they were eating dinner that evening. ‘Thank you. I’d just like to say a few words. Well done everyone. I know today was hard, trying to get everything done so thank you all for your hard work. As you all know we have been picked up for a second season...’ Johnny was momentarily cut off by a hearty cheer. ‘So this isn’t the end. So eat up and I’ll see you all at the wrap party tonight! 8pm don’t be late!’
‘God I forgot about that’ Bradley said.
‘How can you forget? We’ve all been reminding you practically every day this week.’ Katie said in disbelief.
‘Lots of important stuff up here Katie. Can’t be keeping up with all these frivolities’ Bradley said, tapping the side of his head.
‘You mean important stuff like what would win in a fight between a kick-boxing kangaroo and a karate chopping zebra?’ Angel said disapprovingly.
‘Don’t be silly Angel. Zebra’s can’t do karate.’ Bradley said and Angel rolled her eyes.
‘Huh who would win in that fight?’ Colin spoke for the first time.
‘Definitely the kangaroo’ Bradley said distractedly while trying slyly to steal the cookie off Colin’s plate. ‘But that’s not important.’
‘Bradley I can see you.’ Colin said, exasperated. Then he sighed and broke the cookie in half, giving the slightly larger bit to Bradley.
‘This is why you’re so skinny.’ Katie accused. ‘You give all your food to Bradley or he steals it.’
‘He was skinny before he met me!’ Bradley protested with his mouth already full of cookie. ‘Yum thanks mate. Hey do you fancy coming over tonight and watching the next few episodes of Buffy?’
‘As enthralling as that sounds’ Colin said dryly. ‘It’s the party remember? You know the one we reminded you about five minutes ago, not even that?’
‘Oh right yeah. The party. What time does that start again?’
*
8.47 pm
‘I swear I don’t know half the people here’ Bradley said peering across the room suspiciously.
‘Who don’t you know?’ Colin asked in exasperation.
‘That guy’ Bradley used what he considered to be a sly point which was like a very fake stretch and a rather obvious head tilt in the same direction.
‘That’s Rick! The Afanc!’ Colin added when Bradley looked confused.
‘Oh no way. He looks different without the makeup.’
‘Well duh!’
‘Ok her.’
‘Ruby. Props.’
‘Him’
‘Steve. Costume.’
‘Him’
‘Oh that’s er... Ryan. He’s a runner I believe.’
‘How do you know all that?’ Bradley asked in astonishment.
‘Because I actually make the effort to get to know people and don’t spend my entire free time twatting about like you do.’ Colin said.
‘Oh that hurts. Ok what about her. Now that’s someone I’d like to get to know better’ Bradley said, raising his eye brows appreciatively.
‘Lisa. Hair’ Colin said automatically and was surprised when Bradley thrust his pint glass into his hand.
‘Hold this mate. I’m going on the pull.’ Bradley smoothed his hair back and left with a wink and a smile. Colin felt an irrational wave of panic wash over him. With Bradley by his side they were just BradleyandColin, the double act with too much time on their hands. Without Bradley, he had no one to hide behind.
‘You alright Col?’ Angel asked. ‘Why do you have two pints?’
‘One of them is Bradley’s but he’s gone to pull that poor girl over there’ Colin said, feeling suddenly resentful.
‘Who Lisa? Do you think we should warn her of what is about to befall her?’ Angel asked.
‘She seems quite charmed by him already’ Colin spat with uncharacteristic bitterness. He watched as she tilted her head and laughed before biting her lip in what he presumed she thought was a seductive manner.
‘Ooh a bit jealous are we?’ Angel teased.
‘What no. Why would I be jealous of Lisa?’ Colin said, rubbing the back of his neck in a nervous gesture.
Angel’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. ‘Er well I meant Bradley but...’
‘Er yes that’s what I meant’ Colin interrupted with a vaguely hysterical laugh.
‘Of course you did’ Angel said with disbelief etched over her features. ‘Colin is there something...?’
‘Do you want another drink?’ Colin didn’t wait for an answer, he just grabbed her only half empty glass and disappeared into the crowd.
*
11.49 pm
‘I can’t believe you groped Katie’ Bradley laughed, absently patting Colin on the back as he threw up for the third time.
‘I told you it was an accident!’ Colin said when he could speak again. ‘I tripped!’
‘What and your hand accidentally brushed her breast did it?’ Bradley chuckled, shaking his head. ‘I didn’t know you had it in you.’
‘You promised you wouldn’t talk about it’ Colin complained.
‘Hey you owe me! I was well in there with Lisa.’
‘Yeah well you didn’t have to come’ Colin grumbled.
‘Course I did! What are mates for if not to photograph your embarrassing moments and then spend the next six months taunting you about them?’
At Bradley’s words Colin went pale and promptly threw up again. Bradley made soothing noises and rubbed comforting circles into Colin’s back with one hand and brushed the sweaty hair away from his face with the other.
‘Thanks’ Colin said weakly.
‘What are mates for?’ Bradley repeated and Colin managed a slight smile. ‘Jesus Col you really tied one on tonight. What’s up with that?’
‘Just hit me. We’re all going home tomorrow and then you know it’s over at least for another 7 months or something. You will see me over hiatus won’t you?’
‘Of course! We got all these interviews. And that convention. We’ll see each other loads!’ Bradley grinned.
‘No I mean... outside of work. Just as mates.’ Colin ducked his head, suddenly shy.
‘Of course we’ll see each other. You don’t get rid of me that easy’ Bradley laughed and impulsively pulled Colin into a side hug. This turned out to be a bad idea as Colin made a small noise of distress before leaning over the toilet again. Bradley returned to patting him on the back with a fond smile on his face.
‘Of course we’ll see each other’ Bradley repeated absently, almost to himself.
*
September 15th 2009
10.00 am
‘I can’t believe we’re wasting our precious day off clothes shopping’ Bradley complained.
‘Yeah well I’m about as enamoured with the idea as you are but I have got to desperation point now. And besides it’s hardly a precious day off. We finish in a few days anyway. And after all what are mates for?’ Colin said.
‘Taking embarrassing photos’ Bradley said promptly.
‘For entertaining each other when they have to do something horribly tedious like clothes shopping’ Colin corrected him.
‘What do you need exactly anyway?’ Bradley sighed.
‘Just some shirts or something. I need to look a bit smarter. Not so...’
‘Homeless?’ Bradley suggested.
‘Well I was going to say scruffy but yeah’ Colin said.
‘Alright let’s try here.’ Bradley said, gesturing at House of Fraser.
They browsed quietly for a few minutes with Bradley doing his level best to distract Colin from the task at hand, mainly with his ‘fucked up unicorn’ impression when he hoped no one else in the shop was looking and causing Colin to crack up every time. Finally though, Colin pulled a promising looking shirt off the rack.
‘What about this one?’ Colin asked holding up a red checkered shirt against himself.
‘Very nice’ Bradley said approvingly, although experience from shopping with his girlfriends in the past had taught him it didn’t really matter what he thought unless he told them it made them look fat which, for the record, it had. And women said they wanted honesty! ‘How much is it?’
Colin fumbled for the label. ‘Forty’
‘Please tell me that’s dollars.’ Bradley said.
‘What? No of course not. Forty pounds.’
‘Forty pounds! I could make that!’ Bradley cried and Colin shushed him hurriedly as a shop assistant glanced over, looking scandalised.
‘Shhh Bradley. And I doubt that very much.’
‘Well my mum could’ Bradley amended.
‘Does your mum still buy your clothes Bradley?’ Colin asked.
‘What? No!’ Bradley exclaimed but he looked shifty.
‘Whatever. You pay for the label not the shirt.’ Colin pointed out.
‘Colin you’ve never even heard of...’ Bradley peered at the label. ‘Howick until now.’
‘How would you know?’
‘Well have you?’ Bradley challenged.
‘Well...no. But that’s not the point!’
‘No the point is you can get twelve shirts just like this for the same price in Primark.’
‘I’m surprised a posh boy like you even knows what a Primark is. And the reason they’re so cheap is because they fall apart after one wash’ Colin said.
‘It would probably still be a saving’ Bradley said stubbornly.
‘Remind me again why I didn’t ask the girls to come with me?’
*
12.42 pm
‘Paisley Colin? Definitely not. It’s lucky I’m here to steer you away from making any fashion faux pas’’ Bradley said.
‘As if you know anything about fashion’ Colin scoffed, rather rudely in Bradley’s opinion. ‘The problem is that you’ve steered me away from everything, faux pas or not. Colourful shirts are too bright, white shirts are too boring, patterned shirts are too jazzy and plain ones are too dull. The only ones you have liked, you then promptly dismissed as too expensive. And now we’re finally in Primark, where you’ve wanted me to come all this time, and you still don’t like any of them.’ Colin took a deep breath at the end of his rant, not used to saying so much in one go, especially with Bradley around who usually talked enough for the both of them.
‘I sense you’re frustrated’ Bradley said cheerfully.
‘Really?’ Colin drawled sarcastically. ‘You sensed that did you?’
‘You know Colin, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit’ Bradley sniffed ‘and is rather unbecoming in one of such tender years.’
Colin burst out laughing. Martin, one of the older techies on set, had said that to Bradley once in a fit of pique and they hadn’t stopped laughing about it since. Especially as Bradley did a fairly spot on Martin.
‘You never fail to cheer me up’ Colin said. It was a throwaway comment but the way Bradley's face lit up made Colin feel suddenly awkward. ‘Anyway, shirts! I will be happy if I just get one today.’
‘Right leave it to me’ Bradley said determinedly. He rifled through the racks of clothes with almost military precision, which suggested to Colin that he could have been a lot more helpful up to now if he had wanted to be. Bradley finally bundled about five or six shirts into Colin’s arms.
‘OK try these on’ he ordered. ‘Changing rooms...’ Bradley span to try and locate the changing rooms but as he did so, he lost his balance slightly and staggered sideways into a mannequin. The pair of them watched in horror as the mannequin teetered and then slowly toppled into the matching mannequin that was standing next to it. They both collapsed to the floor into a rack of clothes, bringing everything down with a sickening crash. In the brief silence that followed there may have been a scream.
Colin turned to Bradley in panic. ‘What do we do?’ he whispered.
Bradley took one look at the carnage and then blurted out the thing that seemed like a good idea at the time. ‘Run!’ he yelled and took off.
Colin didn’t need any more prompting. He took off after Bradley as quickly as he could. He suddenly realised he was still holding the shirts and, not wanting to add theft to an already hefty list of crimes, quickly laid them down on a display.
‘Come on Col!’ Bradley yelled, pausing to see what the holdup was. He grabbed Colin’s hand and started to drag him along. They started running again when they heard shouts behind them.
‘Hey stop!’ and ‘Vandals!’ and even something that sounded like ‘Hooligans!’
Bradley and Colin glanced at each other and laughed breathlessly as they managed to clear the shop doorway without incident.
‘What now?’ Colin asked, looking anxiously over his shoulder. There didn’t seem to be any signs of pursuit.
‘Hide!’ Bradley announced. Colin could have pointed out that no one was actually following them but he was having way too much fun so he allowed Bradley to pull him into HMV and make him hunker down behind a large cardboard cut out.
‘Bradley and Colin on another whirlwind adventure.’ Bradley said breathlessly, one of the many quotes they had started using since watching the first three Shrek films together back to back.
‘Oh God!’ Colin groaned. ‘I can see the headlines now: Merlin stars vandalise Primark!’
‘I would read that story’ Bradley said seriously.
Colin suddenly realised how many odd looks they were attracting by crouching behind the stand, possibly amplified by the fact that Bradley was still holding his hand. Colin quickly disentangled himself.
‘I think that lunch is in order’ he said.
‘That’s the best idea you’ve had all day’ Bradley said sincerely.
*
1.12 pm
‘Oh my God. Did I tell you that our road trip got the go ahead?’ Bradley said apropos of nothing.
‘No way. Are the BBC crazy? They’re actually going to fund us to do a jaunt around the Welsh countryside.’
‘Well you know. They think it will be... educational’ Bradley whispered the word like it was something dirty and Colin laughed.
‘Oh God I’ve just realised that means spending prolonged periods of time in a car. With you. With you driving.’
‘Hey I’m a good driver. And it will be fun! I’ve already made us a road trip playlist!’ Bradley said enthusiastically.
‘Ok bearing in mind this is your taste in music, is there anything on the playlist that won’t make me want to slit my own wrists.’
‘Self harm is no laughing matter Colin’ Bradley sniffed.
‘Yeah well neither is your taste in music’ Colin said seriously and Bradley let out a snort of laughter.
‘Well John Farnham’s on there.’
‘Who?’ Colin said blankly.
‘For the love of... John Farnham Colin! You’re the voice. The song from Hot Rod!’
‘Ooooh you mean our song!’ Colin exclaimed without thinking, earning himself an odd look from the waitress who had bought their food.
‘Mushroom risotto and medium rare steak. Enjoy your meal’ she said. Colin aimed an absent minded smile of thanks in her direction and turned back to Bradley to see that he had evidently inhaled about a quarter of his steak already.
‘Barbarian!’ Colin cried in disgust.
‘You can be as disgusted as you like Colin but we all know would win in a fight between a cow and a mushroom. It’s the cow.’ Bradley said with his mouth full.
‘What if the mushroom was poisonous? Then it would kill the cow!’ Colin said triumphantly.
‘But then the cow would be dead which would rather defy the point of your creepy vegetarian sensibilities now wouldn’t it?’
‘But...what...no...’ Colin spluttered. ‘Oh my God. Outsmarted by Bradley James. This truly is a dark day for humanity. A dark day indeed.’
‘Hey! Don’t bring the whole of humanity into this because you’re a moron.’ Bradley smirked.
Colin just shook his head in despair. ‘Speaking of moron’s, I think I should leave you somewhere while I continue my clothing expedition this afternoon. Then I might actually get something done.’
‘No if I let you go out alone you’ll go back and get that paisley monstrosity.’ Bradley said, waving his fork around.
‘Cutlery Bradley! And you do realise that I will never be able to enter that Primark again let alone buy anything from there.’
‘Well you’ll buy something equally as hideous or something ridiculously expensive. No I’m coming with you.’
‘Fine but please try and be helpful just for a few hours.’
‘I’ll try Colin.’ Bradley said sincerely. ‘I can but try.’
*
4.25 pm
‘Now this one I like’ Bradley said, pulling out a bright blue shirt. He held it up in front of Colin and noted with satisfaction how it bought out Colin eyes.
‘Oh yes this is nice’ Colin agreed sarcastically, glancing in the mirror. ‘Of course it’s also a girls shirt!’
‘No! Really?’ Bradley examined the label again. ‘Well no one will even notice Colin’ he wheedled.
‘I’m not wearing a girls shirt Bradley. You call me a girl enough as it is.’
‘In my defence you asked for a unicorn’ Bradley protested.
‘That was one time!’ Colin cried. Bradley chuckled and held up his hands in defeat.
‘Calm down Colin. I know you’re not a girl’ Bradley said and something in his tone or gaze made Colin blush slightly.
‘Thank you’ he muttered.
‘Look these shirts aren’t really working out.’ Bradley said as they exited the shop which was the also the last clothes shop in the whole shopping centre. ‘Is there nothing else you wanted to get?’
‘Well some smart trousers, jeans, a new jacket and some shoes actually. But we were having so much trouble just getting a shirt that I didn’t dare mention it.’ Colin said as they left the shopping centre.
‘This trip has been a bit of a wash out hasn’t it?’ Bradley said after they had been walking in comfortable silence for a while. At least he had the decency to look ashamed as he said it.
‘Yes it has but I wouldn’t have had nearly as much fun with anyone else. Who else breaks the law and make people cry all in a day’s work.’
‘Hey in my defence...’ Bradley started.
‘No defence. We were only in that shop for ten minutes and you spent the entirety of the ten minutes insulting everything about the clothes you could think of. From the colours and patterns to the price and ‘fit’’
‘Yes well they were pretty hideous. Plus I wasn’t even talking to her. And she took it very personally. It’s not like she made the clothes is it?’
‘Well it was her shop. And I know you were talking to me but you don’t have an inside voice.’
Bradley scowled but brightened when he realised they had made it back to the hotel. ‘Ok seeing as how today has been a complete disaster and some would argue that it is my fault...’
‘I don’t think anyone would say it wasn’t your fault Bradley.’ Colin interrupted.
‘Fine seeing as how today has been a complete disaster and everybody would say that was my fault... why don’t I make it up to you? Come back to my room and we can watch a movie and order extravagant room service on me.’ Bradley suggested. ‘I’ll make popcorn’ he added tantalizingly.
‘Ah I’d love to’ Colin said honestly. ‘But me and Angel have plans in the village. Sorry Bradley.’
‘What happened to bros before hoes?’ Bradley joked but he still looked disappointed and Colin felt stupidly guilty.
‘She’s not my hoe. She’s not a hoe at all. You shouldn’t call her that.’ Colin spluttered. He paused awkwardly and then smiled. ‘Until we meet again?’ That had sort of become their private way of saying goodbye since Bradley had said it on the day they met and thought it sounded ‘epic.’
Bradley smiled back. ‘Until we meet again.’
*
15th September 2010
8.56 a.m
‘Hey guys’ Angel yawned widely.
‘Hussy, Katie’ Bradley greeted them with a grin.
‘God when are you going to drop that Bradley?’ Angel said tiredly.
‘When I’m dead’ Bradley said sincerely.
‘Which will be sooner than you think, the way you’re going.’ Angel grumbled and ignored Bradley’s pout.
‘How did your digital spy interview go?’ Katie asked curiously.
‘Well...’ Colin said.
‘Badly’ Bradley finished.
‘Not badly as such, just...’ Colin said.
‘Awkward’ Bradley finished again.
‘Bradley stop doing that!’ Colin cried in frustration.
‘You find it annoying? I think it’s cute.’ Bradley pouted, before stealing Colin’s coffee and taking a glug before giving it back.
‘A bit like you then. Everyone else finds you annoying but you think you’re cute.’ Katie said. ‘Ooooh burn. I got you good!’
‘You know the insults lose their impact if you do a little victory dance every time you insult someone’ Bradley pointed out.
‘Anyway’ Colin said, cutting through the pending argument. ‘Yeah it was kinda awkward. Me and Bradley may have accidentally outed our respective characters.’
‘Yeah. Colin said and I quote ‘Merlin never gets a love and when he does they kill him’’ Bradley said.
‘Hey if you’re gonna quote at least do it properly. I also added an ‘or her’ at the end of that sentence and what I meant was friends and family too like my dad and Will. It just came out kinda wrong.’ Colin explained miserably.
Katie laughed. ‘The slashers will love that. What did you do Bradley?’
‘I said that my bromance with Merlin was stronger than by romance with Gwen.’ Bradley confessed, hanging his head.
‘Hey!’ Angel cried.
‘He didn’t even think about it. He just blurted it straight out and then proceeded to say there was ‘no contest’ between them.’ Colin laughed. ‘You dork’ he added to Bradley.
‘You’re a dork!’ Bradley countered childishly.
‘I wasn’t the one that spazzed out and then said ‘that made a lot of sense’. Oh and who was it that referred to Katie as an old leather wallet? Oh yeah that was you!’ Colin said.
‘You what?’ Katie exclaimed.
‘I didn’t refer to you as a wallet I referred to Morgana as a wallet. It’s a very different thing’ Bradley tried to placate her.
‘Not that different.’ Katie said huffily.
‘So how did your guys’ go?’ Colin asked to distract her.
‘Fine because you know we are normal human beings’ Angel replied.
‘Name one way me and Bradley aren’t normal!’ Colin protested as he passed the coffee back to Bradley so he could take another sip.
‘For one you’re sharing a coffee’ Katie said, watching them.
‘That’s not abnormal’ Bradley said. ‘Neither us had very much money with us so we decided to split the cost of one.’
‘They do them free on set’ Angel pointed out.
‘Yeah but they’re not as good as the one’s at Costa.’ Colin said.
At that moment two black cars pulled up and Rupert came dashing down the hill, only just on time as usual, but in his defence he was never late. He just cut it close. Every morning.
‘Thank God the cars have arrived. I don’t think I could take much more of your drivel.’ Katie said and quickly clambered into a car with Rupert and Angel.
‘On the way we should plan stuff to do to Katie’ Bradley said as he and Colin climbed into the other car.
‘That sounded quite rapey’ Colin said conversationally.
‘Hey it’s what I do.’
*
1.10 pm
‘And this is Katie Mcgrath eating her lunch’ Bradley said, zooming in on his camera.
‘Bradley for fucks sake. You’ve been following me with that thing all day. Put it away.’ Katie snapped.
‘Oo-er’ Angel said before going back to her peas.
‘It’s for the Merlin fans!’ Bradley whined.
‘They didn’t even put cast diaries on the last DVD’ Angel said reasonably.
‘That’s because the most interesting things on those cameras was Bradley twatting about on a station platform and these too goons mouthing along to John Farnham.’ Katie said, clearly in a Bad Mood with a capital BM.
‘Our song’ Colin sighed in what he claimed later was an impression of a love-struck teen. For now though, everyone chose to ignore him.
‘Well if I film interesting stuff they might bring them back!’ Bradley reasoned.
‘What like me eating my lunch’ Katie said sarcastically. ‘Fucking fascinating.’
‘Well we won’t be able to use this bit now because you keep swearing Miss Crabby Pants.’ Bradley said which was such an un-Bradleyish thing to say that even Katie couldn’t help but laugh.
‘Sorry’ she muttered sincerely. ‘It’s been a long day.’
‘It’s been a long week’ Colin agreed, stretching. ‘Plus me and Bradley have to do these bizarre quest things. The other day we had to use the letters in Camelot to describe stuff from the series. It was weird.’
‘Yeah it was’ Bradley conceded. ‘It also culminated in Colin saying something like ‘I’ve got Bradley James on my back.’’
‘Do I want to know?’ Katie asked.
‘I was pretending to be a horse’ Colin said brightly.
‘That would be a no then’ Katie said but she looked more cheerful.
*
7.32 pm
‘Come back to mine. I’ve got a surprise for you.’ Bradley said once they had finished dinner.
‘Bradley we’ve been through this. Even if you shout ‘Surprise’ it’s still rape, not surprise sex.’ Colin replied.
‘I’m not a rapist!’ Bradley shouted, earning him two very odd looks from some passing hotel guests.
‘You might want to be careful about shouting that. Anyway I don’t know. I’m kinda tired ’
‘You drove me to it. And come over! You haven’t in for ages.’ Bradley moaned.
‘In for ages?’ Colin teased.
‘Oh I tried to say forever and ages at the same time and I spazzed out. Anyway you know what I mean.’
‘Unfortunately I always know what you mean’ Colin sighed. ‘Alright I’ll come over but it better be a damn good surprise.’
*
7.57
‘I’m pretty sure this is illegal Bradley’ Colin said in concern.
‘Oh it is illegal’ Bradley assured him.
Colin rolled his eyes. ‘Great well that’s a weight off my mind’.
‘You worry too much. A bit of casual law-breaking never hurt anyone. Besides it’s only a little bit illegal.’
‘Is that like being a little bit gay?’ Colin asked, quoting Michael McIntyre, another of the various things they had watched together and laughed their arses off at.
Bradley chuckled. ‘Flick a ball and run away’ he quoted back. ‘Yes exactly like that.’
‘You wouldn’t steal a car, you wouldn’t steal a handbag, you wouldn’t steal a movie. Downloading pirated films is stealing. Piracy it’s a crime!’ Colin proclaimed.
‘I always hated that advert’ Bradley sniffed. ‘How does it know I wouldn’t steal a handbag? Anyway I thought you’d like it. Shrek is our thing!’
‘Well yeah but we could have just waited for it to come out on DVD.’
‘But Colin’ Bradley whined. ‘Shrek 4!’ He waved the disc tantalizingly.
‘What a brilliant argument. Well I’m sold.’
Bradley pouted and Colin felt himself weaken immediately. Damn Bradley and his puppy dog face. Colin sighed. ‘Alright let’s watch it but if the police come bursting in here I will not hesitate in selling you down the river.’
‘I’ll take the chance’ Bradley said dryly.
*
11.39 pm
‘I’ve still got that bloody song in my head. Sail away sail away sail away. I’m gonna have to find out what song that is now or I’m going to go insane.’ Colin half muttered, half sang. The movie was over and now they were watching crappy French TV that they didn’t understand but were both too tired (read lazy) to flip the channel or turn it off.
‘I think it’s too late for that.’ Bradley teased. ‘Anyway oddly the song is called Sail Away and it’s by Enya. You should know that.’
‘Why?’
‘She’s Irish.’ Bradley said like it was obvious.
‘Yeah but all Irish people don’t know each other you idiot.’
‘I know that! Anyway forget that. The song was worth it because that film was an hour and a half of gold wouldn’t you agree?’
‘Well it was better than the third one but not as good as the first two.’ Colin said thoughtfully.
‘Dude Rumpelstiltskin is the coolest character ever!’Bradley exclaimed. ‘Get me my angry wig.’ He imitated.
Colin laughed. ‘He is pretty cool but Puss in Boots is cooler. He has a sword!’
‘I lost all respect for him when he licked Donkey.’ Bradley shuddered.
‘Hey he was helping a brother out!’ Colin defended him.
‘And he got fat!’
‘Aw that’s mean. You should never attack people about their physical appearance.’
‘But he’s not a person. He’s not even real. I’m sorry to be the one to break it to you.’ Bradley said with mock sincerity.
‘Prick!’ Colin said, too tired to think of a better comeback and snuggling down under the covers.
‘Has Michael McIntyre taught you nothing? Think prick, say tut.’
‘Am I gonna have to pretend to have tourettes now so you don’t beat me up?’ Colin asked, not sounding particularly concerned.
‘Nah I reckon I’ll let you off this time!’ Bradley said graciously.
‘You just can’t be bothered’ Colin yawned.
‘Says the person who looks like they’re going to fall asleep in less than a minute. I think it’s bed time for you young man.’
‘Can’t I just crash here tonight?’ Colin was so tired that he slurred half the words but Bradley understood him anyway.
‘Alright’ Bradley sighed and then chuckled quietly when he realised Colin was already asleep. He got up and turned off the TV and the lights before sliding back under the covers. They were both fully dressed apart from their shoes but Bradley was too exhausted to care.
‘Night Col’ he muttered to an oblivious Colin and was asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
Part 2
Pairing(s)/Character(s): Bradley/Colin, Colin/OFC, Bradley/OC
Rating: NC-17
Summary: A fic inspired by the novel "One Day" by David Nicholls. 'They meet for the first time on the night of their graduation. Tomorrow they must go their separate ways. So where will they be on this one day next year? And the year after that? And every year that follows? Twenty years, two people, ONE DAY.' Adapted for Bradley and Colin.
Warnings (if any): Mentioned character death, mild angst.
Total word count: 36,800
Original prompt number: 358 - Submitted by hungry_bkworm91
Disclaimer: This story/artwork is based on characters and situations created and owned by the David Nicholls, BBC and Shine TV. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Author's/artist's notes (if any): Ok first off thank you for this prompt. I’ve never actually read the book so sorry if this wasn’t exactly what you were looking for but this prompt really inspired me to get writing and it sort of ran away with me a bit. I hope you enjoy it XD. Originally written for merlin_muses
Beta(s): IGotTheMusicInMe
15th September 2007
9.02 am
He was nervous. The great Bradley James was nervous. He wouldn’t admit it but he was giving himself away with the way his leg was jiggling up and down and the way he was chewing on the pencil in his hand, a habit he had broken years ago.
The man sitting across from him shot him a shy smile. Bradley studied him. A young man, barely more than a boy really with scruffy hair and an oversized hoody. So this was Merlin. Bradley wasn’t sure what he was expecting so it was hard to say whether this boy (Colin was it?) lived up to his expectations or not. He certainly had a certain quality about him with his sweet smile and dazzling eyes.
‘So’ Colin said awkwardly.
‘So’ Bradley echoed and there was an uncomfortable silence before they both laughed.
‘Bit surreal this isn’t it?’ Colin said.
Bradley did a slight double take. ‘Ok sorry but you’re gonna have to repeat that because I swear you said something about cereal but I’m guessing that’s not right.’
Colin looked at him like he had grown an extra head and then smiled carefully as if Bradley was some kind of maniac than needed humouring. ‘This is a bit surreal isn’t it?’ Colin repeated more slowly and clearly.
‘Oooh surreal! Yes it is. Arthur and Merlin meet for the first time. The start of a great destiny! Just think - a year from now we’ll be on the television. Actually on TV. How amazing is that? I mean I know we don’t start filming for another six months but I’m already excited about it aren’t you? And you know the cast is great! I can’t believe I’m actually going to meet Giles. Oh I mean Anthony of course. Still it’s cool.’ Bradley finally stopped babbling and bit his lip slightly.
‘Er yeah it’s great’ Colin seemed uncertain of how to respond to Bradley’s tirade and not entirely sure what he was agreeing to. Bradley didn’t seem to mind though. He just grinned in slight embarrassment and shrugged as if to say ‘yeah I talk a lot.’
‘Hi guys’ James Hawes and Johnny Capps entered the room at that point. ‘Are we ready for our read through?’
*
12.30 pm
‘OK guys as you know this was the last stage in the casting to check that we had good chemistry between our leads... don’t look so worried! You two are brilliant together. I think you’re going to be fantastic leads. The others are coming in this afternoon so why don’t you take an hour for lunch and afterwards we can do a full cast read through?’ Johnny asked them as they finished for the morning.
‘Sounds great!’ Bradley said enthusiastically and Colin nodded his assent with a grin.
‘Excellent. The canteen is just down the corridor on the left.’ With that Johnny and James both strode from the room simultaneously muttering to each other in low voices and feverishly scribbling on their copies of the script.
Colin and Bradley watched them go in mild confusion before turning back to each other.
‘So...’ Colin said and then laughed at himself. ‘I’ve got to stop using that as an opening gambit in conversation. It doesn’t exactly make me sound intelligent.’
‘Why are you gambling?’ Bradley said having heard and understood about three words in the sentence, one of which he was pretty sure was gamble. Colin merely rolled his eyes, an already familiar gesture as Bradley had misheard him about five times that day already.
‘Look let’s go get lunch yeah?’ Colin said slowly and carefully and Bradley was quite tempted to point out that he ‘wasn’t an idiot thank you very much’ but he had already displayed an alarming amount of evidence to the contrary so decided it was safer just to answer the question.
‘Yeah cool. After you.’
It took them ten minutes to find the canteen. It turned out that ‘just down the corridor’ was producer speak for two fucking miles down the corridor. Well maybe that was a slight exaggeration but still. It was a long way. At least it was a good bonding experience as they had to share the embarrassment of being yelled at by everyone they accidentally burst in on.
‘Day 4 in the Quest For The Cafeteria and still no sign. After trying every single door on the left side of the hall our intrepid explorers had conceded defeat and decided to ask for directions’ Bradley proclaimed in a David Attenborough style voice.
‘Have we?’ Colin asked, seemingly unfazed by Bradley’s sudden outburst.
‘Well... unless you’ve got a better idea?’
‘Nah you’re right. As much as all my manly instincts balk at the idea of asking directions and insist we simply keep walking in circles and maintain our pride, my stomach agrees with you.’
A long pause and then... ‘Eh?’ Bradley asked.
‘Yes let’s ask for directions’ Colin spoke in the way English people often talk to foreigners. I.e. he shouted, spoke more slowly and used lots of unnecessary hand gestures.
Bradley scowled. ‘Are you actually speaking English?’ he asked suspiciously.
‘Yes!’ Colin exclaimed with a flash of irritation.
‘Are you sure? Because it sounds more like Dutch to me.’
‘I’m sure. And have you ever heard Dutch?’
‘Well no but...’ Bradley started but Colin cut him off with a wave of his arms and pointed. Bradley followed the movement and saw that a young woman had just emerged from a room across the hall.
‘Our intrepid explorers have encountered life at last and approach with caution, not yet certain on whether this life form is a threat’ Bradley continued his spiel.
‘Not now’ Colin hissed and smacked him on the arm.
‘Owww’ Bradley whined and pouted. The girl looked up at the noise and the two boys quickly schooled their expressions into smiles.
‘Excuse me miss I don’t suppose you could point us in the direction of the canteen could you?’ Colin asked politely. The girl looked at him for a long moment and then smiled apologetically.
‘Sorry I don’t speak... Norwegian?’ she tried, looking dubious. Bradley bit back a snort of laughter at the expression on Colin’s face. Colin wondered if all English people were idiots or just the ones he had had the misfortune to meet.
‘Don’t mind him’ Bradley cut in smoothly. ‘We were wondering if you could show us the way to the cafeteria?’
The woman gave him a similar look of confusion and Bradley was starting to think it was the woman that was maybe a little special with a capital 5, when she pointed to the room behind them. The room they had just been standing in front of.
Oh.
‘Well it’s not very well sign posted is it?’ Bradley grumbled mainly to himself. The girl didn’t say anything but allowed her eyes to stray upward to the massive CAFETERIA sign above the double doors.
‘Heh thank you so much’ Colin said awkwardly and the girl walked away looking vaguely relieved.
Colin turned to Bradley.‘Let us never speak of this again.’
‘Agreed.’
*
5.05 pm
‘So do you guys wanna go grab a drink for a bit of Merlin bonding?’ Bradley asked once they had finished for the day. He was addressing this invitation to Colin, Katie and Angel.
‘Yeah sounds grand’ Colin replied. Bradley heard the ‘yeah’ so figured it didn’t matter what the end of the sentence was.
‘I’m in’ Angel smiled.
‘Yep me too’ Katie added.
‘Great. Now where’s the nearest pub?’ Bradley said enthusiastically.
His words were greeted with 3 matching expressions of confusion and a silence.
‘Well I’m sure it can’t be that hard to find’ Colin said chirpily.
‘That’s what you said about the cafeteria’ Bradley muttered so only Colin heard him. Colin ignored him.
‘Let’s move out!’
*
6 pm
‘After spending the best part of an hour searching for a pub our intrepid explorers have finally stumbled upon quite a dodgy looking establishment named the White Hart.’
‘Do you always do that?’ Colin asked Bradley.
‘Do what?’
‘Narrate your own life in a creepy documentary style sort of way.’
‘Nah it’s just something I’m trying out. What do you think?’
‘It’s weird.’ Colin said plainly. Bradley scowled.
‘I know one intrepid explorer that won’t be getting his beer.’
‘Don’t worry Colin. I’ll buy you a beer’ Angel practically cooed at him and Bradley scowled some more. The girls were already treating Colin like an adorable puppy that needed a lot of care and affection. It was ridiculous. Colin was a grown man for God’s Sake. Anyway if anyone here was an adorable puppy it was Bradley.
‘That’s all right Angel. You’ve single-handedly restored my faith in the English’ Colin smiled.
‘Oh?’ Angel seemed confused.
‘Yeah ‘cos you actually understand me when I talk. It’s somewhat of a novelty. Especially after spending the day with Bradley.’
Angel laughed and they both turned to look at Bradley who was staring at them obliviously, clearly having no clue what Colin had just said which just made them laugh even more.
‘Alright I’ll get the first round in’ Katie said. ‘You guys go sit down.’
*
7.30pm
‘This sounds like a bad idea’ Angel said.
‘Why?’ Bradley asked.
‘Well I’ve only just met you guys. I feel like I should, you know try and keep in some of the crazy, or at least until I’ve had enough to drink that I don’t think it’s crazy’ Angel said reasonably.
‘Angel, Bradley has spent the day talking like David Attenborough. I don’t think you’ve got anything to worry about.’ Colin pointed out.
‘Hey!’ Bradley exclaimed.
‘Did you understand that?’ Colin asked in surprise.
‘Yes I’ve got my ear in now.’ Bradley said proudly.
‘Oh... good.’ Colin smiled, sudden and blinding and Bradley couldn’t help but grin in response.
‘I don’t know...’ Angel was still dubious.
‘Oh come on we won’t judge you’ Katie said.
‘Yeah it’s just a bit of fun!’ Colin cried.
‘Alright then’ Angel conceded defeat. ‘I would marry Sean Connery, shag Nick Clegg and kill Robert Pattinson.’
‘You would kill Robert Pattinson? Even I would shag him and I’m a bloke’ Colin said in amazement.
‘Ew would you really marry Sean Connery? He’s old!’ Katie wrinkled up her nose in disgust.
‘You would shag Nick Clegg? He’s married you hussy!’ Bradley added.
‘You said you wouldn’t judge me!’ Angel shouted.
‘We lied’ Colin said and laughed.
‘OK look. I hate Twilight so Pattinson is dead. I would marry Connery because he’s the oldest and is rich and would therefore die and leave me a large inheritance and I would shag Nick Clegg because that was all that was left.’
‘You know it makes a lot of sense when you put it like that’ Bradley conceded after a pause.
‘Right I think it’s my turn to think of one’ Angel said with an evil gleam in her eye.
‘My round is it?’ Colin asked and fled.
*
10.25 pm
‘How can you shag Emma Watson over Megan fox?’ Bradley asked in amazement.
‘I just think Megan Fox would be really boring.’ Katie said defensively.
‘You don’t have to talk to them’ Bradley said.
‘Thank you for that insight into the male mind Bradley.’ Katie said. ‘I’m still killing Megan Fox.’
Colin and Bradley looked at each other in disbelief. ‘Sacrilege’ Colin muttered in horror and Bradley laughed.
‘...which means I would marry Johnny Depp of course because at least he’s a man and he makes a fit pirate.’ Katie finished.
‘I can’t believe we’ve been playing this for 2 hours’ Angel said.
‘Not just this. We also played ‘Which would you rather?’ and ‘I have Never’ and that thing with the lies. ‘Two truths one lie’ that’s it. I think it’s been a good bonding experience.’ Bradley said.
‘That’s because they were all your idea so you would think that’ Colin laughed.
‘Sorry Colin, I didn’t catch that’ Bradley said in a tone that made it quite clear that he had heard but was just ignoring him.
‘We’re not even that drunk. Basically we’re just over sharing’ Katie said in despair.
*
11.09 pm
‘Oh gosh look at the time. I have to get the train back home tonight. I best go’ Angel said, spurred into a sudden panic by her errant glance at the clock. ‘My dad will be going frantic. See you in April!’ with that she was gone, throwing her share of the money onto the table as she left.
‘I best be off too’ Bradley said. I’m staying at a mates and it would be rude to keep him waiting up.’
‘Yeah I should go as well’ Katie said.
‘Well I’m not going to stay here on my own am I?’ Colin laughed and got up too.
The three of them walked to the door of the pub together before realising they were all going in separate directions.
‘Well I guess this is goodbye’ Colin said, slightly awkward as usual.
‘Don’t make it sound so dramatic!’ Katie laughed. ‘I’ll see you in April. Bye guys!’ she waved and then set off briskly.
‘Until we meet again’ Bradley smiled and shook Colin’s hand and then he too was gone.
‘Until we meet again’ Colin echoed to himself and smiled.
*
15th September 2008
6.47 am
‘Morning’ Colin chirped with indecent energy for the time it was.
‘Meh’ was all Bradley could manage in response before promptly stealing the cup of coffee from Colin’s hands. Clearly he didn’t need it.
‘Last day of filming Bradley. Where’s your energy?’ Colin said disapprovingly and taking the coffee back.
‘Still in bed where I should be’ Bradley moaned. Colin sighed and then rifled through his bag before pulling out a can of red bull and chucking it at Bradley who was only just awake enough to catch it.
‘Get that down you. We’re just doing pick-ups today. It should be fairly hassle free.’ Colin said.
‘Thanks mate. But that’s easy for you to say. I have to do a fighting scene’ Bradley groaned before cracking the can and gulping down most of its contents in one go.
‘Moan moan moan’ Colin teased and ruffled his hair. ‘What a hard life you lead.’
‘And don’t you forget it’ Bradley smiled and Colin rolled his eyes at him but somehow managed to make the gesture affectionate.
‘It’s weird that people have already seen the first few episodes and we’re still filming isn’t it?’ Colin commented.
‘Yeah my mum called me the other day and said that I looked good on TV but that I should smile more so that people wouldn’t think I was a grump.’ Bradley said despairingly. ‘I was like ‘it’s the character! I’m you know broody and mysterious with hidden depths’. And she was all ‘of course you are dear’.’
Colin laughed. ‘My mum says that I shouldn’t have got my hair cut that way and I too had to explain that I wasn’t exactly in control of any of that stuff anymore and that if they wanted to die my hair green, my contract says I have to do it. And she said ‘don’t even think about dying your hair green!’ Mum’s never listen do they?’
‘You got that right.’ Bradley agreed and he clinked his can against Colin’s coffee cup.
*
10.00 am
‘I think that if the penguin had a laser beam and the polar bear had a broken leg then it would have a chance.’ Colin said.
‘Anything would have a chance if it had a laser beam.’ Bradley pointed out.
‘What are you two talking about’ Angel asked, sitting beside them.
‘Bradley asked me if I thought a penguin would ever have a chance against a polar bear.’ Colin explained.
‘Well they would never have to find out seeing as how they live in different hemispheres’ Angel said.
‘Duh this is a theoretical fight Angel!’ Bradley cried.
‘Of course how silly of me’ Angel said wryly.
‘What if the penguin was proficient with ninja weapons and the polar bear had a broken leg?’ Colin suggested.
‘How would a penguin become an expert with ninja weapons?’ Bradley asked.
‘I thought this was a theoretical fight.’ Colin snarked back.
‘Ok forget that. What about a wombat with spikes versus a small chimp.’ Bradley said.
‘You know I’m not entirely sure what a wombat looks like. And what would be the size of a small chimp? Like smaller than a Labrador but bigger than a terrier?’ Colin said.
‘Well I suppose it depends on what breed of terrier it is’ Bradley said thoughtfully.
‘Oh my God I can’t take it! Is this really what you spend all your free time doing?’ Angel exclaimed.
‘No... sometimes we plan pranks’ Bradley grinned.
‘Yes I know all about that’ Angel said with a grimace.
‘And sometimes we run lines. You know we occasionally do our jobs’ Colin chipped in.
‘Yes sometimes.’ Bradley conceded. ‘Or we mount spider rescue missions.’
‘Haha good times’ Colin said reminiscently. ‘Hey Bradley what would win in a fight between big but non-venomous spider and a stag beetle?’
*
1.37pm
‘Hey Col. Col! I saved you a seat.’ Bradley shouted and waved his arms exuberantly to attract Colin’s attention.
‘Thanks Bradley’ Colin slid gratefully into the empty chair. ‘God what a morning!’
‘Oh?’ Bradley said curiously as he shovelled chips into his mouth. ‘Why’s that?’
‘I can feel the sympathy rolling off you’ Colin said sarcastically.
‘Hey if I remember rightly you were the one who said it was gonna be hassle free’ Bradley pointed out, waving his knife vaguely in Colin’s direction to emphasise his point and causing Colin to flinch.
‘What have I told you about waving cutlery around?’ Colin complained.
‘Not to do it.’ Bradley sighed. ‘Anyway why was you morning bad?’
‘Ah I was just doing that scene with Michelle and Richard where I think Gaius is dead. I had to cry.’ Colin pulled a face.
‘Don’t they give you tear stick?’ Bradley asked unsympathetically.
‘Yeah but... you know. I had to tap into the emotion of the scene.’ Colin said and looked so pathetic that Bradley knew he would have to cheer him up somehow.
‘So Colin what do you want for your birthday?’ Bradley said abruptly. Hey he never said it was a good plan.
‘Eh?’ Colin seemed confused and with good reason seeing as his birthday wasn’t for another four months and it was also totally unrelated to the conversation that had just been happening.
‘Come on anything in the world.’ Bradley said grandly.
Colin thought for a moment. ‘Anything?’ Bradley nodded. ‘In that case I want a unicorn.’
‘A unicorn?’ Bradley repeated slowly. ‘Could you be any more of a girl?’
‘Probably’ Colin said cheerfully.
‘Hmm how would we go about creating a unicorn?’ Bradley mused.
‘Hey that’s your problem now. You said I could have anything.’
‘Well, while I meant anything within the realms of possibility, I’m sure we can work out a solution to this dilemma. What about a horse with a horn duct taped to its head?’
‘Duct tape is your answer to everything. Anyway it’s not very mystical is it?’ Colin scoffed.
‘I’m hearing problems Colin but I’m not hearing solutions’ Bradley said in an uncanny impression of Julian’s voice. Colin laughed and Bradley smiled thinking that’s better.
‘Ok how about this for a solution? You breed a horse with a narwhal. Narwhals are like the unicorn of the ocean.’
‘I can think of a few logistical problems with that. I mean would we put the horse in a tank of water or...’
‘No no no!’ Colin interrupted him. ‘Narwhal’s breathe air. So you would bring a narwhal onto land and... I don’t know. Pour water over him every now and then?’
‘That’s probably foreplay to a narwhal’ Bradley said and Colin laughed again.
‘Ew’ is all Colin had to say to that.
‘Anyway I’m not entirely sure that this unholy union would result in a unicorn.’ Bradley said.
‘What you mean it might come out with flippers or something?’ Colin asked.
‘What like this?’ Bradley said and then did what came to be known as his ‘fucked up unicorn’ impression. He scrunched up his face, tilted his body to one side and then flapped his arms frantically like they were flippers. Colin stared at him for a moment and then burst out laughing.
Bradley smiled at Colin’s hilarity. Mission complete
*
6.39 pm
‘Can I have your attention please!’ Johnny called as they were eating dinner that evening. ‘Thank you. I’d just like to say a few words. Well done everyone. I know today was hard, trying to get everything done so thank you all for your hard work. As you all know we have been picked up for a second season...’ Johnny was momentarily cut off by a hearty cheer. ‘So this isn’t the end. So eat up and I’ll see you all at the wrap party tonight! 8pm don’t be late!’
‘God I forgot about that’ Bradley said.
‘How can you forget? We’ve all been reminding you practically every day this week.’ Katie said in disbelief.
‘Lots of important stuff up here Katie. Can’t be keeping up with all these frivolities’ Bradley said, tapping the side of his head.
‘You mean important stuff like what would win in a fight between a kick-boxing kangaroo and a karate chopping zebra?’ Angel said disapprovingly.
‘Don’t be silly Angel. Zebra’s can’t do karate.’ Bradley said and Angel rolled her eyes.
‘Huh who would win in that fight?’ Colin spoke for the first time.
‘Definitely the kangaroo’ Bradley said distractedly while trying slyly to steal the cookie off Colin’s plate. ‘But that’s not important.’
‘Bradley I can see you.’ Colin said, exasperated. Then he sighed and broke the cookie in half, giving the slightly larger bit to Bradley.
‘This is why you’re so skinny.’ Katie accused. ‘You give all your food to Bradley or he steals it.’
‘He was skinny before he met me!’ Bradley protested with his mouth already full of cookie. ‘Yum thanks mate. Hey do you fancy coming over tonight and watching the next few episodes of Buffy?’
‘As enthralling as that sounds’ Colin said dryly. ‘It’s the party remember? You know the one we reminded you about five minutes ago, not even that?’
‘Oh right yeah. The party. What time does that start again?’
*
8.47 pm
‘I swear I don’t know half the people here’ Bradley said peering across the room suspiciously.
‘Who don’t you know?’ Colin asked in exasperation.
‘That guy’ Bradley used what he considered to be a sly point which was like a very fake stretch and a rather obvious head tilt in the same direction.
‘That’s Rick! The Afanc!’ Colin added when Bradley looked confused.
‘Oh no way. He looks different without the makeup.’
‘Well duh!’
‘Ok her.’
‘Ruby. Props.’
‘Him’
‘Steve. Costume.’
‘Him’
‘Oh that’s er... Ryan. He’s a runner I believe.’
‘How do you know all that?’ Bradley asked in astonishment.
‘Because I actually make the effort to get to know people and don’t spend my entire free time twatting about like you do.’ Colin said.
‘Oh that hurts. Ok what about her. Now that’s someone I’d like to get to know better’ Bradley said, raising his eye brows appreciatively.
‘Lisa. Hair’ Colin said automatically and was surprised when Bradley thrust his pint glass into his hand.
‘Hold this mate. I’m going on the pull.’ Bradley smoothed his hair back and left with a wink and a smile. Colin felt an irrational wave of panic wash over him. With Bradley by his side they were just BradleyandColin, the double act with too much time on their hands. Without Bradley, he had no one to hide behind.
‘You alright Col?’ Angel asked. ‘Why do you have two pints?’
‘One of them is Bradley’s but he’s gone to pull that poor girl over there’ Colin said, feeling suddenly resentful.
‘Who Lisa? Do you think we should warn her of what is about to befall her?’ Angel asked.
‘She seems quite charmed by him already’ Colin spat with uncharacteristic bitterness. He watched as she tilted her head and laughed before biting her lip in what he presumed she thought was a seductive manner.
‘Ooh a bit jealous are we?’ Angel teased.
‘What no. Why would I be jealous of Lisa?’ Colin said, rubbing the back of his neck in a nervous gesture.
Angel’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. ‘Er well I meant Bradley but...’
‘Er yes that’s what I meant’ Colin interrupted with a vaguely hysterical laugh.
‘Of course you did’ Angel said with disbelief etched over her features. ‘Colin is there something...?’
‘Do you want another drink?’ Colin didn’t wait for an answer, he just grabbed her only half empty glass and disappeared into the crowd.
*
11.49 pm
‘I can’t believe you groped Katie’ Bradley laughed, absently patting Colin on the back as he threw up for the third time.
‘I told you it was an accident!’ Colin said when he could speak again. ‘I tripped!’
‘What and your hand accidentally brushed her breast did it?’ Bradley chuckled, shaking his head. ‘I didn’t know you had it in you.’
‘You promised you wouldn’t talk about it’ Colin complained.
‘Hey you owe me! I was well in there with Lisa.’
‘Yeah well you didn’t have to come’ Colin grumbled.
‘Course I did! What are mates for if not to photograph your embarrassing moments and then spend the next six months taunting you about them?’
At Bradley’s words Colin went pale and promptly threw up again. Bradley made soothing noises and rubbed comforting circles into Colin’s back with one hand and brushed the sweaty hair away from his face with the other.
‘Thanks’ Colin said weakly.
‘What are mates for?’ Bradley repeated and Colin managed a slight smile. ‘Jesus Col you really tied one on tonight. What’s up with that?’
‘Just hit me. We’re all going home tomorrow and then you know it’s over at least for another 7 months or something. You will see me over hiatus won’t you?’
‘Of course! We got all these interviews. And that convention. We’ll see each other loads!’ Bradley grinned.
‘No I mean... outside of work. Just as mates.’ Colin ducked his head, suddenly shy.
‘Of course we’ll see each other. You don’t get rid of me that easy’ Bradley laughed and impulsively pulled Colin into a side hug. This turned out to be a bad idea as Colin made a small noise of distress before leaning over the toilet again. Bradley returned to patting him on the back with a fond smile on his face.
‘Of course we’ll see each other’ Bradley repeated absently, almost to himself.
*
September 15th 2009
10.00 am
‘I can’t believe we’re wasting our precious day off clothes shopping’ Bradley complained.
‘Yeah well I’m about as enamoured with the idea as you are but I have got to desperation point now. And besides it’s hardly a precious day off. We finish in a few days anyway. And after all what are mates for?’ Colin said.
‘Taking embarrassing photos’ Bradley said promptly.
‘For entertaining each other when they have to do something horribly tedious like clothes shopping’ Colin corrected him.
‘What do you need exactly anyway?’ Bradley sighed.
‘Just some shirts or something. I need to look a bit smarter. Not so...’
‘Homeless?’ Bradley suggested.
‘Well I was going to say scruffy but yeah’ Colin said.
‘Alright let’s try here.’ Bradley said, gesturing at House of Fraser.
They browsed quietly for a few minutes with Bradley doing his level best to distract Colin from the task at hand, mainly with his ‘fucked up unicorn’ impression when he hoped no one else in the shop was looking and causing Colin to crack up every time. Finally though, Colin pulled a promising looking shirt off the rack.
‘What about this one?’ Colin asked holding up a red checkered shirt against himself.
‘Very nice’ Bradley said approvingly, although experience from shopping with his girlfriends in the past had taught him it didn’t really matter what he thought unless he told them it made them look fat which, for the record, it had. And women said they wanted honesty! ‘How much is it?’
Colin fumbled for the label. ‘Forty’
‘Please tell me that’s dollars.’ Bradley said.
‘What? No of course not. Forty pounds.’
‘Forty pounds! I could make that!’ Bradley cried and Colin shushed him hurriedly as a shop assistant glanced over, looking scandalised.
‘Shhh Bradley. And I doubt that very much.’
‘Well my mum could’ Bradley amended.
‘Does your mum still buy your clothes Bradley?’ Colin asked.
‘What? No!’ Bradley exclaimed but he looked shifty.
‘Whatever. You pay for the label not the shirt.’ Colin pointed out.
‘Colin you’ve never even heard of...’ Bradley peered at the label. ‘Howick until now.’
‘How would you know?’
‘Well have you?’ Bradley challenged.
‘Well...no. But that’s not the point!’
‘No the point is you can get twelve shirts just like this for the same price in Primark.’
‘I’m surprised a posh boy like you even knows what a Primark is. And the reason they’re so cheap is because they fall apart after one wash’ Colin said.
‘It would probably still be a saving’ Bradley said stubbornly.
‘Remind me again why I didn’t ask the girls to come with me?’
*
12.42 pm
‘Paisley Colin? Definitely not. It’s lucky I’m here to steer you away from making any fashion faux pas’’ Bradley said.
‘As if you know anything about fashion’ Colin scoffed, rather rudely in Bradley’s opinion. ‘The problem is that you’ve steered me away from everything, faux pas or not. Colourful shirts are too bright, white shirts are too boring, patterned shirts are too jazzy and plain ones are too dull. The only ones you have liked, you then promptly dismissed as too expensive. And now we’re finally in Primark, where you’ve wanted me to come all this time, and you still don’t like any of them.’ Colin took a deep breath at the end of his rant, not used to saying so much in one go, especially with Bradley around who usually talked enough for the both of them.
‘I sense you’re frustrated’ Bradley said cheerfully.
‘Really?’ Colin drawled sarcastically. ‘You sensed that did you?’
‘You know Colin, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit’ Bradley sniffed ‘and is rather unbecoming in one of such tender years.’
Colin burst out laughing. Martin, one of the older techies on set, had said that to Bradley once in a fit of pique and they hadn’t stopped laughing about it since. Especially as Bradley did a fairly spot on Martin.
‘You never fail to cheer me up’ Colin said. It was a throwaway comment but the way Bradley's face lit up made Colin feel suddenly awkward. ‘Anyway, shirts! I will be happy if I just get one today.’
‘Right leave it to me’ Bradley said determinedly. He rifled through the racks of clothes with almost military precision, which suggested to Colin that he could have been a lot more helpful up to now if he had wanted to be. Bradley finally bundled about five or six shirts into Colin’s arms.
‘OK try these on’ he ordered. ‘Changing rooms...’ Bradley span to try and locate the changing rooms but as he did so, he lost his balance slightly and staggered sideways into a mannequin. The pair of them watched in horror as the mannequin teetered and then slowly toppled into the matching mannequin that was standing next to it. They both collapsed to the floor into a rack of clothes, bringing everything down with a sickening crash. In the brief silence that followed there may have been a scream.
Colin turned to Bradley in panic. ‘What do we do?’ he whispered.
Bradley took one look at the carnage and then blurted out the thing that seemed like a good idea at the time. ‘Run!’ he yelled and took off.
Colin didn’t need any more prompting. He took off after Bradley as quickly as he could. He suddenly realised he was still holding the shirts and, not wanting to add theft to an already hefty list of crimes, quickly laid them down on a display.
‘Come on Col!’ Bradley yelled, pausing to see what the holdup was. He grabbed Colin’s hand and started to drag him along. They started running again when they heard shouts behind them.
‘Hey stop!’ and ‘Vandals!’ and even something that sounded like ‘Hooligans!’
Bradley and Colin glanced at each other and laughed breathlessly as they managed to clear the shop doorway without incident.
‘What now?’ Colin asked, looking anxiously over his shoulder. There didn’t seem to be any signs of pursuit.
‘Hide!’ Bradley announced. Colin could have pointed out that no one was actually following them but he was having way too much fun so he allowed Bradley to pull him into HMV and make him hunker down behind a large cardboard cut out.
‘Bradley and Colin on another whirlwind adventure.’ Bradley said breathlessly, one of the many quotes they had started using since watching the first three Shrek films together back to back.
‘Oh God!’ Colin groaned. ‘I can see the headlines now: Merlin stars vandalise Primark!’
‘I would read that story’ Bradley said seriously.
Colin suddenly realised how many odd looks they were attracting by crouching behind the stand, possibly amplified by the fact that Bradley was still holding his hand. Colin quickly disentangled himself.
‘I think that lunch is in order’ he said.
‘That’s the best idea you’ve had all day’ Bradley said sincerely.
*
1.12 pm
‘Oh my God. Did I tell you that our road trip got the go ahead?’ Bradley said apropos of nothing.
‘No way. Are the BBC crazy? They’re actually going to fund us to do a jaunt around the Welsh countryside.’
‘Well you know. They think it will be... educational’ Bradley whispered the word like it was something dirty and Colin laughed.
‘Oh God I’ve just realised that means spending prolonged periods of time in a car. With you. With you driving.’
‘Hey I’m a good driver. And it will be fun! I’ve already made us a road trip playlist!’ Bradley said enthusiastically.
‘Ok bearing in mind this is your taste in music, is there anything on the playlist that won’t make me want to slit my own wrists.’
‘Self harm is no laughing matter Colin’ Bradley sniffed.
‘Yeah well neither is your taste in music’ Colin said seriously and Bradley let out a snort of laughter.
‘Well John Farnham’s on there.’
‘Who?’ Colin said blankly.
‘For the love of... John Farnham Colin! You’re the voice. The song from Hot Rod!’
‘Ooooh you mean our song!’ Colin exclaimed without thinking, earning himself an odd look from the waitress who had bought their food.
‘Mushroom risotto and medium rare steak. Enjoy your meal’ she said. Colin aimed an absent minded smile of thanks in her direction and turned back to Bradley to see that he had evidently inhaled about a quarter of his steak already.
‘Barbarian!’ Colin cried in disgust.
‘You can be as disgusted as you like Colin but we all know would win in a fight between a cow and a mushroom. It’s the cow.’ Bradley said with his mouth full.
‘What if the mushroom was poisonous? Then it would kill the cow!’ Colin said triumphantly.
‘But then the cow would be dead which would rather defy the point of your creepy vegetarian sensibilities now wouldn’t it?’
‘But...what...no...’ Colin spluttered. ‘Oh my God. Outsmarted by Bradley James. This truly is a dark day for humanity. A dark day indeed.’
‘Hey! Don’t bring the whole of humanity into this because you’re a moron.’ Bradley smirked.
Colin just shook his head in despair. ‘Speaking of moron’s, I think I should leave you somewhere while I continue my clothing expedition this afternoon. Then I might actually get something done.’
‘No if I let you go out alone you’ll go back and get that paisley monstrosity.’ Bradley said, waving his fork around.
‘Cutlery Bradley! And you do realise that I will never be able to enter that Primark again let alone buy anything from there.’
‘Well you’ll buy something equally as hideous or something ridiculously expensive. No I’m coming with you.’
‘Fine but please try and be helpful just for a few hours.’
‘I’ll try Colin.’ Bradley said sincerely. ‘I can but try.’
*
4.25 pm
‘Now this one I like’ Bradley said, pulling out a bright blue shirt. He held it up in front of Colin and noted with satisfaction how it bought out Colin eyes.
‘Oh yes this is nice’ Colin agreed sarcastically, glancing in the mirror. ‘Of course it’s also a girls shirt!’
‘No! Really?’ Bradley examined the label again. ‘Well no one will even notice Colin’ he wheedled.
‘I’m not wearing a girls shirt Bradley. You call me a girl enough as it is.’
‘In my defence you asked for a unicorn’ Bradley protested.
‘That was one time!’ Colin cried. Bradley chuckled and held up his hands in defeat.
‘Calm down Colin. I know you’re not a girl’ Bradley said and something in his tone or gaze made Colin blush slightly.
‘Thank you’ he muttered.
‘Look these shirts aren’t really working out.’ Bradley said as they exited the shop which was the also the last clothes shop in the whole shopping centre. ‘Is there nothing else you wanted to get?’
‘Well some smart trousers, jeans, a new jacket and some shoes actually. But we were having so much trouble just getting a shirt that I didn’t dare mention it.’ Colin said as they left the shopping centre.
‘This trip has been a bit of a wash out hasn’t it?’ Bradley said after they had been walking in comfortable silence for a while. At least he had the decency to look ashamed as he said it.
‘Yes it has but I wouldn’t have had nearly as much fun with anyone else. Who else breaks the law and make people cry all in a day’s work.’
‘Hey in my defence...’ Bradley started.
‘No defence. We were only in that shop for ten minutes and you spent the entirety of the ten minutes insulting everything about the clothes you could think of. From the colours and patterns to the price and ‘fit’’
‘Yes well they were pretty hideous. Plus I wasn’t even talking to her. And she took it very personally. It’s not like she made the clothes is it?’
‘Well it was her shop. And I know you were talking to me but you don’t have an inside voice.’
Bradley scowled but brightened when he realised they had made it back to the hotel. ‘Ok seeing as how today has been a complete disaster and some would argue that it is my fault...’
‘I don’t think anyone would say it wasn’t your fault Bradley.’ Colin interrupted.
‘Fine seeing as how today has been a complete disaster and everybody would say that was my fault... why don’t I make it up to you? Come back to my room and we can watch a movie and order extravagant room service on me.’ Bradley suggested. ‘I’ll make popcorn’ he added tantalizingly.
‘Ah I’d love to’ Colin said honestly. ‘But me and Angel have plans in the village. Sorry Bradley.’
‘What happened to bros before hoes?’ Bradley joked but he still looked disappointed and Colin felt stupidly guilty.
‘She’s not my hoe. She’s not a hoe at all. You shouldn’t call her that.’ Colin spluttered. He paused awkwardly and then smiled. ‘Until we meet again?’ That had sort of become their private way of saying goodbye since Bradley had said it on the day they met and thought it sounded ‘epic.’
Bradley smiled back. ‘Until we meet again.’
*
15th September 2010
8.56 a.m
‘Hey guys’ Angel yawned widely.
‘Hussy, Katie’ Bradley greeted them with a grin.
‘God when are you going to drop that Bradley?’ Angel said tiredly.
‘When I’m dead’ Bradley said sincerely.
‘Which will be sooner than you think, the way you’re going.’ Angel grumbled and ignored Bradley’s pout.
‘How did your digital spy interview go?’ Katie asked curiously.
‘Well...’ Colin said.
‘Badly’ Bradley finished.
‘Not badly as such, just...’ Colin said.
‘Awkward’ Bradley finished again.
‘Bradley stop doing that!’ Colin cried in frustration.
‘You find it annoying? I think it’s cute.’ Bradley pouted, before stealing Colin’s coffee and taking a glug before giving it back.
‘A bit like you then. Everyone else finds you annoying but you think you’re cute.’ Katie said. ‘Ooooh burn. I got you good!’
‘You know the insults lose their impact if you do a little victory dance every time you insult someone’ Bradley pointed out.
‘Anyway’ Colin said, cutting through the pending argument. ‘Yeah it was kinda awkward. Me and Bradley may have accidentally outed our respective characters.’
‘Yeah. Colin said and I quote ‘Merlin never gets a love and when he does they kill him’’ Bradley said.
‘Hey if you’re gonna quote at least do it properly. I also added an ‘or her’ at the end of that sentence and what I meant was friends and family too like my dad and Will. It just came out kinda wrong.’ Colin explained miserably.
Katie laughed. ‘The slashers will love that. What did you do Bradley?’
‘I said that my bromance with Merlin was stronger than by romance with Gwen.’ Bradley confessed, hanging his head.
‘Hey!’ Angel cried.
‘He didn’t even think about it. He just blurted it straight out and then proceeded to say there was ‘no contest’ between them.’ Colin laughed. ‘You dork’ he added to Bradley.
‘You’re a dork!’ Bradley countered childishly.
‘I wasn’t the one that spazzed out and then said ‘that made a lot of sense’. Oh and who was it that referred to Katie as an old leather wallet? Oh yeah that was you!’ Colin said.
‘You what?’ Katie exclaimed.
‘I didn’t refer to you as a wallet I referred to Morgana as a wallet. It’s a very different thing’ Bradley tried to placate her.
‘Not that different.’ Katie said huffily.
‘So how did your guys’ go?’ Colin asked to distract her.
‘Fine because you know we are normal human beings’ Angel replied.
‘Name one way me and Bradley aren’t normal!’ Colin protested as he passed the coffee back to Bradley so he could take another sip.
‘For one you’re sharing a coffee’ Katie said, watching them.
‘That’s not abnormal’ Bradley said. ‘Neither us had very much money with us so we decided to split the cost of one.’
‘They do them free on set’ Angel pointed out.
‘Yeah but they’re not as good as the one’s at Costa.’ Colin said.
At that moment two black cars pulled up and Rupert came dashing down the hill, only just on time as usual, but in his defence he was never late. He just cut it close. Every morning.
‘Thank God the cars have arrived. I don’t think I could take much more of your drivel.’ Katie said and quickly clambered into a car with Rupert and Angel.
‘On the way we should plan stuff to do to Katie’ Bradley said as he and Colin climbed into the other car.
‘That sounded quite rapey’ Colin said conversationally.
‘Hey it’s what I do.’
*
1.10 pm
‘And this is Katie Mcgrath eating her lunch’ Bradley said, zooming in on his camera.
‘Bradley for fucks sake. You’ve been following me with that thing all day. Put it away.’ Katie snapped.
‘Oo-er’ Angel said before going back to her peas.
‘It’s for the Merlin fans!’ Bradley whined.
‘They didn’t even put cast diaries on the last DVD’ Angel said reasonably.
‘That’s because the most interesting things on those cameras was Bradley twatting about on a station platform and these too goons mouthing along to John Farnham.’ Katie said, clearly in a Bad Mood with a capital BM.
‘Our song’ Colin sighed in what he claimed later was an impression of a love-struck teen. For now though, everyone chose to ignore him.
‘Well if I film interesting stuff they might bring them back!’ Bradley reasoned.
‘What like me eating my lunch’ Katie said sarcastically. ‘Fucking fascinating.’
‘Well we won’t be able to use this bit now because you keep swearing Miss Crabby Pants.’ Bradley said which was such an un-Bradleyish thing to say that even Katie couldn’t help but laugh.
‘Sorry’ she muttered sincerely. ‘It’s been a long day.’
‘It’s been a long week’ Colin agreed, stretching. ‘Plus me and Bradley have to do these bizarre quest things. The other day we had to use the letters in Camelot to describe stuff from the series. It was weird.’
‘Yeah it was’ Bradley conceded. ‘It also culminated in Colin saying something like ‘I’ve got Bradley James on my back.’’
‘Do I want to know?’ Katie asked.
‘I was pretending to be a horse’ Colin said brightly.
‘That would be a no then’ Katie said but she looked more cheerful.
*
7.32 pm
‘Come back to mine. I’ve got a surprise for you.’ Bradley said once they had finished dinner.
‘Bradley we’ve been through this. Even if you shout ‘Surprise’ it’s still rape, not surprise sex.’ Colin replied.
‘I’m not a rapist!’ Bradley shouted, earning him two very odd looks from some passing hotel guests.
‘You might want to be careful about shouting that. Anyway I don’t know. I’m kinda tired ’
‘You drove me to it. And come over! You haven’t in for ages.’ Bradley moaned.
‘In for ages?’ Colin teased.
‘Oh I tried to say forever and ages at the same time and I spazzed out. Anyway you know what I mean.’
‘Unfortunately I always know what you mean’ Colin sighed. ‘Alright I’ll come over but it better be a damn good surprise.’
*
7.57
‘I’m pretty sure this is illegal Bradley’ Colin said in concern.
‘Oh it is illegal’ Bradley assured him.
Colin rolled his eyes. ‘Great well that’s a weight off my mind’.
‘You worry too much. A bit of casual law-breaking never hurt anyone. Besides it’s only a little bit illegal.’
‘Is that like being a little bit gay?’ Colin asked, quoting Michael McIntyre, another of the various things they had watched together and laughed their arses off at.
Bradley chuckled. ‘Flick a ball and run away’ he quoted back. ‘Yes exactly like that.’
‘You wouldn’t steal a car, you wouldn’t steal a handbag, you wouldn’t steal a movie. Downloading pirated films is stealing. Piracy it’s a crime!’ Colin proclaimed.
‘I always hated that advert’ Bradley sniffed. ‘How does it know I wouldn’t steal a handbag? Anyway I thought you’d like it. Shrek is our thing!’
‘Well yeah but we could have just waited for it to come out on DVD.’
‘But Colin’ Bradley whined. ‘Shrek 4!’ He waved the disc tantalizingly.
‘What a brilliant argument. Well I’m sold.’
Bradley pouted and Colin felt himself weaken immediately. Damn Bradley and his puppy dog face. Colin sighed. ‘Alright let’s watch it but if the police come bursting in here I will not hesitate in selling you down the river.’
‘I’ll take the chance’ Bradley said dryly.
*
11.39 pm
‘I’ve still got that bloody song in my head. Sail away sail away sail away. I’m gonna have to find out what song that is now or I’m going to go insane.’ Colin half muttered, half sang. The movie was over and now they were watching crappy French TV that they didn’t understand but were both too tired (read lazy) to flip the channel or turn it off.
‘I think it’s too late for that.’ Bradley teased. ‘Anyway oddly the song is called Sail Away and it’s by Enya. You should know that.’
‘Why?’
‘She’s Irish.’ Bradley said like it was obvious.
‘Yeah but all Irish people don’t know each other you idiot.’
‘I know that! Anyway forget that. The song was worth it because that film was an hour and a half of gold wouldn’t you agree?’
‘Well it was better than the third one but not as good as the first two.’ Colin said thoughtfully.
‘Dude Rumpelstiltskin is the coolest character ever!’Bradley exclaimed. ‘Get me my angry wig.’ He imitated.
Colin laughed. ‘He is pretty cool but Puss in Boots is cooler. He has a sword!’
‘I lost all respect for him when he licked Donkey.’ Bradley shuddered.
‘Hey he was helping a brother out!’ Colin defended him.
‘And he got fat!’
‘Aw that’s mean. You should never attack people about their physical appearance.’
‘But he’s not a person. He’s not even real. I’m sorry to be the one to break it to you.’ Bradley said with mock sincerity.
‘Prick!’ Colin said, too tired to think of a better comeback and snuggling down under the covers.
‘Has Michael McIntyre taught you nothing? Think prick, say tut.’
‘Am I gonna have to pretend to have tourettes now so you don’t beat me up?’ Colin asked, not sounding particularly concerned.
‘Nah I reckon I’ll let you off this time!’ Bradley said graciously.
‘You just can’t be bothered’ Colin yawned.
‘Says the person who looks like they’re going to fall asleep in less than a minute. I think it’s bed time for you young man.’
‘Can’t I just crash here tonight?’ Colin was so tired that he slurred half the words but Bradley understood him anyway.
‘Alright’ Bradley sighed and then chuckled quietly when he realised Colin was already asleep. He got up and turned off the TV and the lights before sliding back under the covers. They were both fully dressed apart from their shoes but Bradley was too exhausted to care.
‘Night Col’ he muttered to an oblivious Colin and was asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
Part 2