(no subject)
I hate this time of the semester. Everything is so overwhelming and I just want to do well so that maybe this degree will be worth something when I'm done. This has been a pretty shitty day and there is nothing I can do to fix any of whats been happening. Who do I talk to? Really? Everyone else has more important things to worry about and maybe I'm the same way but all I wanted to do was help. Maybe I'm the stupidest person in the world for thinking this way, maybe I'm just missing something and am incapable of actual happiness... you can apparently only understand happiness through sadness and sadness through happiness... but then how do I seem to understand being sad so much better than being happy?
In summary, I've been thinking a lot about whats happened in my life in the last year. I've watched everything crumble away and change and I've gone through some of the hardest things of my life, and it just seems that anyone I try to turn to goes. I don't think I've ever even had the opportunity to leave anyone stranded in some of these sorts of situations. I don't know if I could do it. I could absolutely hate the person but if there was ever any reason to care, I still couldn't leave them with nobody.
There is so much negativity in the world without having to worry about how genuine the ones you trust are. Perhaps my sense about other people is off. Maybe I've really just made all of the wrong choices. Maybe I'm still making all the wrong ones and it really gets me wondering sometimes... am I ever actually going to be happy or satisfied with the way things have turned out?
I wish I had the capacity to just turn things off or even hurt others, intentionally, as badly as they've managed to hurt me but thats the thing... maybe it was always unintentional. Maybe I'm just too sensitive. Maybe I don't show the right emotions at the right time and people just have no idea whatsoever about how I'm ever feeling.
This is a ridiculously hard time of year for me but who even has any idea? The boy I'm not really allowed to talk to, especially about these sorts of things? The boy I can't trust? The friends or family that I've never been able explain myself to? Whats the use? It won't change anything. I wouldn't be saying anything new.
Now I'm going to do piles of homework that I can't catch up on and will probably do a poor job seeing as I'm overtired, overworked and fed up with the entire process. Is this even conducive to my learning the material? I don't think there is any way that it can be, especially since 85% of it will be forgotten before the summer ends.
the end.
In summary, I've been thinking a lot about whats happened in my life in the last year. I've watched everything crumble away and change and I've gone through some of the hardest things of my life, and it just seems that anyone I try to turn to goes. I don't think I've ever even had the opportunity to leave anyone stranded in some of these sorts of situations. I don't know if I could do it. I could absolutely hate the person but if there was ever any reason to care, I still couldn't leave them with nobody.
There is so much negativity in the world without having to worry about how genuine the ones you trust are. Perhaps my sense about other people is off. Maybe I've really just made all of the wrong choices. Maybe I'm still making all the wrong ones and it really gets me wondering sometimes... am I ever actually going to be happy or satisfied with the way things have turned out?
I wish I had the capacity to just turn things off or even hurt others, intentionally, as badly as they've managed to hurt me but thats the thing... maybe it was always unintentional. Maybe I'm just too sensitive. Maybe I don't show the right emotions at the right time and people just have no idea whatsoever about how I'm ever feeling.
This is a ridiculously hard time of year for me but who even has any idea? The boy I'm not really allowed to talk to, especially about these sorts of things? The boy I can't trust? The friends or family that I've never been able explain myself to? Whats the use? It won't change anything. I wouldn't be saying anything new.
Now I'm going to do piles of homework that I can't catch up on and will probably do a poor job seeing as I'm overtired, overworked and fed up with the entire process. Is this even conducive to my learning the material? I don't think there is any way that it can be, especially since 85% of it will be forgotten before the summer ends.
the end.