[FIC] Before I Go To Sleep - Part II (Arthur/Merlin; PG-13)
Before I Go To Sleep - Part II
When Leon arrived at the counselling office the next morning, someone was already sitting on the steps up to the main entrance.
"Hello?" Leon said gently. This was not exactly a regular occurrence, but it had happened before.
The boy looked up. He was wearing a hoodie which had covered his hair and most of his face, but when he turned, Leon was startled to see Arthur, tear tracks all down his face.
"Please," Arthur said. The word was mangled, forced out by a voice which sought only to sob. "Please," he said again. "I don't know what to do."
*
Merlin had spent most of the night berating himself and Arthur in turn. He hadn't slept very well, conscious of Arthur just down the corridor. Dozens of questions rattled through his mind and the moment of the kiss kept replaying itself.
In the morning Merlin didn't dare go to the breakfast hall. He didn't know what he would do if he saw Arthur but he was fairly sure it would involve furious embarrassment, hysterical fury or some combination of the two.
He went instead to the Costa Coffee strategically placed between the halls and the teaching campus.
"You don't usually come in in the mornings," the girl at the counter said cheerfully when he went up to order.
Merlin blinked in surprise. "I didn't realise I came here that often."
"Oh, well, I've noticed you," the girl said. Then her brain seemed to catch up and she said, "That is, I haven't noticed you, it's just that you're rather distinctive. You know, a little odd looking." Merlin felt his expression shift into disbelief. "But not in a bad way! You're really quite attractive. Not that I'm attracted to you! I have a boyfriend! I just…"
Merlin felt his mouth tug into a rueful smile, which grew into a soft laugh as the girl blushed furiously. "Thanks," he said. "I was needing a laugh."
"Glad to help," the girl said, shrugging hopelessly. "I'm always sticking my foot in my mouth."
"There are worse things."
Reassured that no offense had been caused, the girl reverted to business. "So what can I get you?"
"Double espresso," Merlin said.
"Rough night?"
"Yeah." In answer to her unspoken question he said flatly, "Boy trouble."
"Oh," she said, startled, before she smiled again. "Well, we all know that one."
Conversation paused as the coffee maker clanked and sputtered.
"Take a seat," she said. "I'll bring it over to you."
Merlin thanked her with a smile and took a seat. He knew he should eat something but he wasn't hungry. He didn't know how he was going to make it through his classes. Every nerve in his body was jangling even as his eyes burned with the need to close. His brain felt clouded over and he couldn't face the thought of doing anything except perhaps finding somewhere away from his corridor to get some sleep.
When the coffee appeared in front of him, Merlin glanced up to thank the girl, but it wasn't her - it was a male-model beautiful bloke, all dark hair and smouldering eyes.
Maybe it was a sign from above. Maybe the universe was saying, give up on Arthur and all his confusion and here's some ridiculously gorgeous incentive.
The hope was dashed when the vision said, "My girlfriend asked me to make sure you were all right."
"Oh," Merlin said. He shook himself. "Yeah, I'm fine, just… tired."
Sir Smoulder nodded. "I don't mean to bother you. But if you would like someone to talk to - sometimes it's easier when it's a stranger."
"Yeah," Merlin said. He sighed. "I just… I made a move on a guy and I don't think he was ready for it. Like, for any guy to make that kind of move."
"Oh," Sir Smoulder said. "I don't have any prepared advice for that one."
Merlin reached for his coffee and took a long swallow which jerked his eyes open. "Ugh. Well, yeah, it was stupid. I should have waited."
"Sometimes waiting doesn't make things simpler, just more complicated," Sir Smoulder said with feeling.
"You and your girlfriend waited too long?"
"You could say that." Silence fell.
"It's none of my business," Merlin said. "But you started this chat, so…"
"There was a third party involved. It was messy and it was entirely my fault. We should have been honest long before we were."
"That must have been difficult."
"I lost my best friend over it." Sir Smoulder's face showed nothing but regret. "And I deserved to. But the thing was, I couldn't have done anything else."
Merlin tried to imagine not kissing Arthur. He tried to imagine just spending the rest of last night normally. And he was sure he'd been right to say that Arthur wasn't ready, but he couldn't have held himself back. He couldn't have borne not to kiss him, even if it meant everything was ruined.
"Lance!" the girl at the counter was calling. "I've got your tea now. Sorry, someone had hidden the Ceylon and I didn't want to give you anything less."
"You are my angel, Gwen," Lance said. He didn't say it as some men would have, joking or patronising or ostentatiously flattering. His tone was completely matter of fact, as though she really was his angel and she should know about it. And she blushed so prettily up at him, her face all lit up and lovely.
"Wait," Merlin said suddenly. "Lance and Gwen? You're… The third person was Arthur!"
Gwen recoiled immediately, nearly knocking over Lance's tea. Lance himself turned to Merlin at once. "You know Arthur?"
Merlin gulped. "Only a little."
"Please," Gwen said. "Oh, please - how is he?"
Merlin looked from Lance's face to Gwen's. They had been so unthinkingly kind to him, a total stranger. They had betrayed someone who had trusted them completely. Merlin might have wondered about the completely different sides of the two people in front of him had he not been able to see the guilt and shame in their faces. They had known what it would cost them and they had done it anyway.
Merlin could almost sympathise with that.
"He's…" What could Merlin possibly say? "I don't really know."
*
By the time Leon had managed to clear time to sit down with Arthur, the boy had calmed down.
It didn't take long to get the story out of him.
"I'm not gay!" Arthur finished, his whole body trembling. "I'm not!"
Leon nodded to himself. "You haven't really talked much about missing your girlfriend Gwen," he said. "You mentioned her as a catalyst for this bout of depression but I haven't heard you talk about her other than that."
Arthur looked a little wild-eyed at the change of subject. "I don't think about her much."
"Really?" Leon's scepticism shone through.
Arthur rubbed his forehead, curling in on himself slightly. "It hurt, you know?" he said. "I met her and she… We were friends first and she was just cool." Arthur smiled sadly at the memory. "She didn't let me get away with anything, and she was pretty and sweet and it was the first time I ever really felt anything for a girl, you know? But…"
"But?" Leon prompted when the silence had gone on for too long.
"She had a stronger connection with Lance," Arthur said. "I think I saw it right away but I didn't want to. She was the only girl I'd ever felt that way about and she was falling for my best friend right in front of me. And I couldn't even blame her because I was trying you know, really trying to open up to her and everything but I just didn't know how and there was Lance who's always been like a knight in shining armour."
"It's him you blame?" Leon asked, face inquisitive.
"He was the only person I had told some of this stuff to. Anything close to what I talk about here. But he took her anyway." Arthur wiped his mouth. "I was so angry with him. I still am."
"Have you seen them since?"
"Couple of times around town. We're at the same university, you know?" Arthur clenched his fists and released them slowly when the palms of his hands began to burn. "It's a real pain because Lance volunteers for Nightline so it's not like I can call them if I've got a problem."
Leon looked him dead in the eyes. "Maybe you should think about it." He let that find its target before he went on, "You mentioned twice that Gwen's the only girl you've ever had those kinds of feelings for."
Arthur tensed again. "So?"
"So I wonder," Leon said softly, "if there's ever been another person."
"I'm not gay!" Arthur burst out again. "I can't be!"
"Your reaction to the idea is very strong if you are sure that it isn't the case," Leon said in the same level tone.
Arthur had been shaking his head even while Leon spoke. "You don't understand - I can't be gay! I'd be a target for the Valiants of the world all my life. My father would disown me!"
Now they were getting somewhere. Leon took a calming breath. "You said before that your father would not approve of what Valiant had done."
"Oh, he'd never resort to brute force," Arthur spat. "But he's got more money than God and he pumps it into the most right-wing political forces going. Anyone who was against the Civil Partnership Act got a sizeable donation from Pendragon Industries. I'm already a disappointment to him - what will happen if I tell him something like this? It will kill him and he's my only family! Mother's dead, Morgana doesn't care, it's only him and if I lose him that's my family gone!" There were tears in Arthur's eyes when he finished and Leon had to supress the unprofessional urge to hug him.
"Arthur," Leon said, "this realisation is difficult for many people, for many reasons. But the reason you ended up here, talking to me, is because you were not able to acknowledge your feelings."
Arthur's face was white.
"You have always spoken about Merlin as an example to you. Is it such a leap to think that there might be some attraction there?"
"I can't-" Arthur couldn't stop shaking. Leon started to fear that he had pushed too hard too quickly.
"Arthur," he went on, "this is just something for you to think about. But I really think you need to examine the reasons this has disturbed you so badly."
"I can't," Arthur said, the word wrenched from him in total despair, and then before Leon could stop him he was up and gone.
*
Merlin wasn't a girl and therefore didn't say things like 'my heart skipped a beat', not even in his own head. Because that was how things started and then he would end up saying it aloud and Will would never let him live it down.
Still, the feeling when someone knocked on his door was more akin to the phrase that could not be thought than any other description his mind could conjure.
"Oh it's you," he said when he opened the door to find Gwaine standing there.
"Cheers, mate!" Gwaine said, brushing past Merlin and into his room.
"Sorry," Merlin said as he closed the door. "It's just…"
"You were hoping I was your fancy man, ain't that right?" Gwaine had already taken up lounging position on Merlin's bed.
Merlin flopped down beside him with an "Ugh."
Gwaine tipped his head to the side. "You all right there Merlin? I thought you'd be glad of the chance to hang out given that I've not exactly been around so much lately." He shrugged. "Fucking like rabbits, you know how new relationships are."
"Yeah," Merlin said, "she's holding out on you. Will told me."
"Damn him. Ah, well, can't blame a guy for chancing his arm," Gwaine said without a hint of embarrassment. "Anyway I saw your Arthur heading off so I figured you'd be around. Thought I could buy you a pint to make up for being a crap friend lately."
Merlin couldn't help himself. "Arthur's gone out?"
"Gone away for the weekend he said," Gwaine shrugged. "It's only Thursday sure enough but skiving should be encouraged wherever possible."
Merlin didn't say anything though his stomach squirmed within him. Gwaine was no fool and it took him mere moments to diagnose. "Oh, hell. You really did go and fall for the prat didn't you?"
Merlin swallowed hard. "Gwaine, I think I've fucked everything up."
Gwaine slung a companionable arm around Merlin's shoulders. "Right then. Let's go and get bladdered and you can tell me all about it."
*
"Arthur," Uther acknowledged.
"Father," Arthur replied, his hand clenching tighter on the handle of his suitcase. The train journey back to London had seemed to take forever as Arthur's mind whirled and now he stood in front of the man whose approval had always been the most important motivation in Arthur's life.
He couldn't, couldn't let his turmoil show.
"It's good to see you, son," Uther said. "I'm sorry I couldn't meet you at the station. Why don't you go to your room and get settled. Dinner will be at…"
"Seven o'clock," Arthur finished for him. Uther ran a tight ship.
His old bedroom was exactly the same, right down to the stash of rugby magazines he'd kept to wank to in his teens. Arthur swallowed hard when he looked at them.
It was funny: he'd thought because he'd never been attracted to any of his team mates that it hadn't been real, just harmless teenage stuff. Gwen was supposed to be his salvation.
Nothing had worked out the way Arthur had hoped.
Morgana's old room, next to his, hadn't been opened since the day she'd announced to Uther that she was never coming back. Arthur lingered by the door, longing to open it and find her there to advise him, or mock him, or force him to do the right thing. He missed her.
She didn't miss him, though. Arthur left the door closed.
Dinner was already on the table when Arthur took his seat at precisely 7.02. Uther's mouth twitched in displeasure but he didn't say anything.
Arthur began to eat in silence.
"So, Arthur, " Uther began. "How are your studies going?"
Arthur swallowed. "Well enough." He really wasn't that interested in Economics but he had a good head for figures and he was passing his courses well enough.
"Confident about the upcoming exams?"
"Yes, sir."
"Good," Uther nodded. "You'll need a strong business awareness if you are someday to assume control of the company."
"Yes, sir."
Uther looked at Arthur hard for a moment. Then, "And how is rugby?"
Arthur felt his face tighten. "I quit the team."
Uther frowned. "Why would you do that? You know that sport is important."
"My team mates weren't the kind of people I wanted to associate with."
Uther snorted. "Well, quite, but you will always encounter a mixture of people, Arthur. There is no reason to become snobbish."
"That's not what I mean, Father," Arthur gritted out.
"Ah?" Uther nodded. "No, I suppose that would have been rather out of character."
"Leon says I need to stop doing things that are out of character or I'll never work out what my character is," Arthur said without thinking.
"Leon?" Uther pounced. "Is Leon a friend?"
Arthur swallowed; his eyes dropped to his plate. Uther had given him an out. He could take it or he could tell his father the truth for what might as well have been the first time in his life. "Leon is my therapist."
Uther's eyebrows shot up. "You're seeing a therapist?"
"Yes, Father."
Uther put down his fork. "But there's nothing wrong with you."
Arthur's mouth ran dry. "Nothing wrong with me?"
Uther looked at him. "Certainly. I cannot understand why you would waste time…"
Arthur wasn't listening. "Nothing wrong with me?"
"Arthur…"
"Father, I am miserable," Arthur blurted. "I feel like there's no room to breathe, like there never has been, like I've spent my whole life numbing myself to everything I should have been feeling and I don't know what to do! I've done everything you ever asked me to and it is killing me, do you understand?"
"Arthur, you're being hysterical," Uther said calmly.
"Maybe I am! It's better than feeling nothing."
Uther looked at him then, some odd expression on his face. "You think I feel nothing?"
"I think Mum died and you decided that you never wanted to be hurt like that ever again. So you shut everyone out and you taught me to keep everything locked up inside and you didn't realise just how badly I was choking on it." Arthur laughed shakily. "You always made it so clear what you expected of me and I did it all - I played rugby, I mixed with the right people, I went to read Economics and I never wanted any of it. I just wanted to stop feeling like a big disappointment to you."
"Arthur, you were never…"
But Arthur couldn't hear him. "Do you know that two months ago I was spending every day thinking of suicide?"
Uther fell into silence.
"I realised," Arthur went on, "that I had never really been myself in my whole life. And you're saying there's nothing wrong with me." He laughed again, absolutely hollow.
Uther swallowed. "Arthur, you never told me any of this. If you need help, then of course we'll get you the best possible care - time to rest, perhaps, any doctor you want to see-"
"You're not listening to me!" Arthur shouted. He had never shouted at his father in his life. "You cannot take this over and wish it away and make it better. I am telling you that I am working this out, and what I need from you is just a little bit of support."
Uther looked at his son for a long time, saying nothing.
Arthur nodded to himself. "Right."
"Arthur, please," Uther said, his voice subdued. "I'm just trying to understand."
"Well that's a first," Arthur spat, and without another word he stormed back to his bedroom and lay there in the dark, arms tightly around himself in case he shook apart.
*
"Well that's the thing, isn’t it?" Gwaine slurred. "You think you know what you want and then a beautiful blonde wanders in and fucks it all up."
"Yeah," Merlin nodded. "Yeah, exactly."
"I mean, I just wanted something casual!" Gwaine went on. "I was never attracted to the ladettes! But this girl, she can belch the alphabet! And she can climb without fumbling but then she'll fall off her high heels which aren't even that high! And I keep feeling all this stuff I didn't expect to feel until… well, never!"
Merlin had been nodding along, but Gwaine had lost him somewhere around the high heels. "Can't say I get you there," he admitted.
He jumped when Gwaine suddenly roared at someone across the bar. "Gilli! Come and take a seat!"
"You're pissed, aren't you?" Gilli asked wryly.
"Extremely," Gwaine agreed happily. "Pint?"
"Not a fan," Gilli said. "I wanted to say thanks to you though Emrys."
"Me? For why?"
"For helping out with those guys. You know that guy Arthur?"
"He's trying not to," Gwaine interjected.
"Why?" Gilli asked. "He's a good guy. I was scared to tell campus security so he came with me. Valiant's been told that one more report and he'll be asked to leave the university and Arthur made it clear that if he came after me again I'd report him again."
"Shit," Merlin breathed. He turned to Gwaine. "See, he does something like this - how am I supposed to hate him?"
"Guess you're not," Gwaine commiserated. "Drink more instead!"
*
Breakfast at the Pendragon house was strained, to say the least.
"I'm going back to Albion tomorrow," Arthur said flatly. "It was a mistake to come here."
Uther folded the newspaper he had been reading in lieu of looking his son in the face. "Arthur, you cannot come here and tell me that you've been thinking of- of harming yourself, and then just disappear."
"I'm telling you that I'm handling it," Arthur said. "I'm in therapy and I'm on medication. But, Father, there's a lot that's coming out of it all and I need…" He ran a hand through his hair tiredly. "There are a lot of choices I've let you make for me and that has to change. I can't keep trying to live up to you and failing. It's too hard."
"I never wanted you to be me," Uther replied. Arthur made a noise but Uther cut him off, "No, Arthur. You said a lot last night and maybe we do both need some time. But I want you to know, you've never been a disappointment to me. Not ever."
Arthur's face twisted. "Father, I think I'm gay." He hadn't meant to say it. It just fell out into the middle of a moment that was the closest he'd felt to his father in years.
Uther's face drained of all expression. And then, without a word, he got up and left the room.
*
Merlin was not expecting the loud knocking on his door that night; he winced, still a little rough from the night before. He stumbled to the door, shocked to find Arthur standing there.
"What-?" was all he got out before he saw that Arthur was crying. "Arthur, what's wrong?"
Arthur looked absolutely wretched. "I just came out to my father," he whispered.
Merlin's brain fused. He'd been so worried about having pushed Arthur too fast and Arthur had taken it upon himself to go nuclear. Part of him was just shocked. Part of him was delighted, thinking This might mean I can have him! and the rest of him was disgusted with himself for that tiny elation because Arthur was coming to pieces right in front of him.
It didn't matter what Merlin wanted, not right this moment. What mattered was that Arthur understood he was not alone.
Wordlessly, Merlin wrapped his arms around Arthur, pulling him just far enough into his room so that he could close the door. Arthur was shaking but still broader and stronger than Merlin and when he abruptly returned the embrace, Merlin was all but winded.
"Come on," he said gently. "Let's sit."
The room was tiny; there was nowhere for two people to sit except the bed. Merlin hoped that Arthur didn't panic as he guided the two of them down, his arms still around Arthur who wept as though he would never stop.
It took a long time, but eventually Arthur was all cried out. Merlin was still holding him, stroking his hair and murmuring nonsense designed to soothe.
"I always knew," Arthur said, his voice dead and heavy. "I never wanted to know but I always did. I couldn’t… I loved Gwen, I did, but I didn't want her."
Merlin kept stroking. He'd never had to face this sudden reversal of who he'd thought he was: when he'd hit puberty Merlin had realised that it was boys not girls who elicited sexual feeling in him and that had more or less been that.
"I want you," Arthur said so quietly that Merlin wasn't sure he'd heard him.
He stiffened, looking down at Arthur's head tucked in against his skinny shoulder. Arthur didn't look up.
"I'm so tired," Arthur said, and Merlin sighed.
"Lie down," he said as gently as he could. "I've got you. It's all right. You can sleep now."
*
Arthur woke up still wrapped in Merlin's arms. It was terrifying and yet the safest he could ever remember feeling.
Merlin had already been awake. Arthur had pulled away, mumbling something about classes. "It's Saturday," Merlin pointed out quietly.
Arthur bit his lip.
"It's all right," Merlin said. "I know this has been a hell of a few days. It's OK if you need time to think."
I love you, Arthur thought, which was irrational and insane and God, he hoped Merlin could feel that way too.
He was behaving like a total basket case. "Yeah. Time to think," he agreed. "And a shower."
"You know if you need to talk," Merlin said haltingly, "I'm right here. Any time."
"Don't be such a girl, Merlin," Arthur said, taking refuge behind his usual armour, but he squeezed Merlin's hand as he said it.
Merlin squeezed back. "Prat."
Arthur got up.
After a shower and a clean set of clothes, Arthur wandered out into the town. He didn't know where he was going until he was there, standing at the entrance to Costa coffee the way he had stood outside the entrance to Morgana's room.
This time, though, he went inside.
Gwen was at the counter bustling about, her curly hair wild and all over the place the way it always got after an hour or so of steaming milk. The café was pretty full. Lance was sitting in a corner booth. That used to be him, Arthur remembered. Watching Gwen work while he pretended to study, drinking endless cups of coffee while she experimented with new blends. And sometimes his best mate would come.
"Arthur," Gwen said as though his name had just tumbled out of her mouth without her volition.
Lance's head jerked up; he half-rose.
"Pot of tea if you would," Arthur said to Gwen. "I'll be over there."
Gwen's eyes darted back and forth between Arthur and Lance. She nodded jerkily and turned to make his tea.
Arthur sat down opposite Lance. For a long while neither of them spoke.
"I've been worried about you," Lance said at last. "I wanted to see how you were, but I didn't think you'd want to talk to me."
"I didn't," Arthur said. "But the last few days…" He shrugged.
Lance nodded. Silence fell again.
Gwen brought over the tea on a tray with a tiny jug of milk. Arthur was half-expecting her to fumble it, but she placed it in front of him effortlessly.
"I think you did the right thing breaking up with me," Arthur said to her elbow.
Gwen stilled. "Arthur-"
"No, I really mean it," Arthur said. "Because as it turns out I seem to be…" He swallowed. It was only the second time he would ever say it, and the first time he had consciously chosen to. "I seem to be gay," he forced out.
Gwen made a soft sound in the back of her throat; Lance's face reflected a deep sympathy. "Arthur," he said, "I'm so sorry."
Arthur knew what he meant. Lance was sorry he'd had to go through this alone.
"Have you told your father?" Lance asked softly.
Arthur met his gaze and nodded. It was all he could do to prevent the tears from rising again.
Gwen squeezed his shoulder gently. "I'm glad you told us," she said, her voice trembling. Arthur sank into her touch and Lance's hand on his arm, the warmth and the familiarity of them.
"Me too," he managed to say.
*
"Well," Leon said, sitting back. "That's quite the remarkable few days you've had, Arthur. You accepted your sexuality, came out to your father and forgave your best friend. You certainly don't waste time when you've decided on the right course of action."
Leon was usually neutral throughout their sessions - that was why Arthur recognised the glint of admiration in his eyes. Pride filled him.
"Guess not," Arthur said, shrugging. "Wonder what else I'll find out about myself."
"There's still a lot to be dealt with," Leon said.
Arthur nodded. "My father hasn't spoken to me for a week. I don't know yet whether he's going to."
Leon nodded. "Do you regret telling him the truth?"
"No," Arthur said at once. "No, it was killing me. I see that now." He laughed. "You know, when I was in school Merlin would have been someone I picked on. And yet, he's the reason…"
Leon eyed Arthur. "How do you feel about Merlin?"
A smile tugged the corner of Arthur's mouth. "It's like hope came in the shape of a person."
"That's a lot to put on a person you know, Arthur," Leon cautioned.
"I know," Arthur said, his face turning serious again. "I know, and it's not- I know I'm not all magically fixed now. I do. I still feel like hell some days, and my sleeping's still all over the place. I've still got a lot I want to talk about but the thing is, I want to now. That's something, yeah?"
"Yes," Leon said, smiling. "Yes, it is."
*
"OK," Arthur said, brushing past Merlin as soon as he opened his door. "Here are some things you should know. I haven't exactly given a press conference about, you know, being gay, but I've told the people who matter to me and it hasn't all been smooth sailing. That's not all though. I'm being treated for clinical depression. I'm on medication, and I'm going to therapy. I'm probably going to be broke now because it seems pretty certain that my Father's going to cut me off. I hate Economics and I think I want to be a teacher. I'm not always brave like you and I'm probably going to fuck this up at least once. Will you go out with me?"
Merlin stood looking at him slack-jawed.
Arthur waited as long as he could bear it before he said, "Doing a wonderful goldfish impression there, Merlin, brilliant. But I'm a little anxious here, so would you do me the honour of answering the damn question?"
Merlin's expression turned to one of incredulity. "You are such a prat. You just blurt out all of that and… You are still such a prat!"
Arthur felt the knots in his stomach ease. "That's a yes, isn't it?"
Merlin gulped. "I'm a virgin," he blurted out. "I act like I know what I'm doing but I haven't got a clue. And not just about boys, about everything. I'm not brave, I just don't think things through because if I did I'd be paralysed. I have superpowers. Are you sure you want me to?"
"Certain," Arthur said, reaching out to grasp the nape of Merlin's neck and pull him closer. "So?"
"Let's do it," Merlin said right before Arthur's mouth descended on his.
Epilogue
It hadn't been easy. It hadn't been all rainbows and hearts and flowers. Arthur still had bad days, terrible days when he could barely force himself to get out of bed, and Merlin had to deal with it. The magic thing had led to a fight when Arthur finally realised Merlin had been serious about the superpowers.
But Arthur went to sessions every week with Leon and he talked about the things that made him unhappy. Gwaine had taken to him, and even Will had covered his back that time Valiant had shown up.
Merlin got to like Gwen and Lance more and more. They were the kindest people he could imagine, and he was glad that Arthur had managed not to hate them even if in his darker moments Merlin wondered how much he was paying for their mistake.
There was love, too, in the way Arthur kissed him slowly, drugging him, and the way he steeled himself but held Merlin's hand all the way along the high street. There was trust in the way Arthur let Merlin slide inside him. There was hope in the mornings when Merlin woke to find Arthur watching him sleep. All those things were also true.
Merlin never understood quite how bad it had been until the morning he awoke to hear Arthur having a hushed conversation on the phone.
"I know what you think, Father," Arthur said quietly. "But the fact is, this is not a snap decision and it is not something I would be prepared to change even assuming I could."
A pause, and then, Arthur's voice full of menace, "If 'that boy' hadn't stayed up talking to me until after 4am, I would have killed myself that night. So don't tell me he's a bad influence."
The phone snapped closed angrily.
"Is that true?" Merlin asked, completely awake now.
Arthur turned to him. "I thought you were asleep."
"I was," Merlin replied. "Is it true?"
Arthur took a deep breath, looked Merlin right in the face and nodded. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I didn't… It seemed like it would be too much. I didn't want to scare you."
"It does scare me, but not the way you mean." Merlin was out of bed and across the room in seconds. "Arthur, promise me, don't ever… It would kill me too."
Arthur looked into Merlin's face, and saw nothing but anguish; he wrapped his arms around Merlin immediately, one large hand cradling the back of his head. "No, Merlin, no - I'd never do it now. And not just because of you, though God knows I love you. No, I see now you have to face things. So I never would."
Merlin clung to him. "Good. Good. God, you're a prat. I can't believe you were thinking like that."
"You know what scares me the most? If I'd done it, we'd never have had any of this." Arthur's arms tightened.
Merlin gave a choked off sob. Arthur pulled back just a little, just to look him in the face. "Thank you," he said, his face as open as Merlin had ever seen it. "Even if this ends up… No matter what, this was worth it."
"Yeah," Merlin said, tears in his eyes, his beloved idiot in his arms. "Yeah, it is."
Arthur kissed the side of Merlin's face. "Do you want to go to breakfast?"
Merlin shook his head. "Life's too short. Let's go back to bed."
~fin
When Leon arrived at the counselling office the next morning, someone was already sitting on the steps up to the main entrance.
"Hello?" Leon said gently. This was not exactly a regular occurrence, but it had happened before.
The boy looked up. He was wearing a hoodie which had covered his hair and most of his face, but when he turned, Leon was startled to see Arthur, tear tracks all down his face.
"Please," Arthur said. The word was mangled, forced out by a voice which sought only to sob. "Please," he said again. "I don't know what to do."
*
Merlin had spent most of the night berating himself and Arthur in turn. He hadn't slept very well, conscious of Arthur just down the corridor. Dozens of questions rattled through his mind and the moment of the kiss kept replaying itself.
In the morning Merlin didn't dare go to the breakfast hall. He didn't know what he would do if he saw Arthur but he was fairly sure it would involve furious embarrassment, hysterical fury or some combination of the two.
He went instead to the Costa Coffee strategically placed between the halls and the teaching campus.
"You don't usually come in in the mornings," the girl at the counter said cheerfully when he went up to order.
Merlin blinked in surprise. "I didn't realise I came here that often."
"Oh, well, I've noticed you," the girl said. Then her brain seemed to catch up and she said, "That is, I haven't noticed you, it's just that you're rather distinctive. You know, a little odd looking." Merlin felt his expression shift into disbelief. "But not in a bad way! You're really quite attractive. Not that I'm attracted to you! I have a boyfriend! I just…"
Merlin felt his mouth tug into a rueful smile, which grew into a soft laugh as the girl blushed furiously. "Thanks," he said. "I was needing a laugh."
"Glad to help," the girl said, shrugging hopelessly. "I'm always sticking my foot in my mouth."
"There are worse things."
Reassured that no offense had been caused, the girl reverted to business. "So what can I get you?"
"Double espresso," Merlin said.
"Rough night?"
"Yeah." In answer to her unspoken question he said flatly, "Boy trouble."
"Oh," she said, startled, before she smiled again. "Well, we all know that one."
Conversation paused as the coffee maker clanked and sputtered.
"Take a seat," she said. "I'll bring it over to you."
Merlin thanked her with a smile and took a seat. He knew he should eat something but he wasn't hungry. He didn't know how he was going to make it through his classes. Every nerve in his body was jangling even as his eyes burned with the need to close. His brain felt clouded over and he couldn't face the thought of doing anything except perhaps finding somewhere away from his corridor to get some sleep.
When the coffee appeared in front of him, Merlin glanced up to thank the girl, but it wasn't her - it was a male-model beautiful bloke, all dark hair and smouldering eyes.
Maybe it was a sign from above. Maybe the universe was saying, give up on Arthur and all his confusion and here's some ridiculously gorgeous incentive.
The hope was dashed when the vision said, "My girlfriend asked me to make sure you were all right."
"Oh," Merlin said. He shook himself. "Yeah, I'm fine, just… tired."
Sir Smoulder nodded. "I don't mean to bother you. But if you would like someone to talk to - sometimes it's easier when it's a stranger."
"Yeah," Merlin said. He sighed. "I just… I made a move on a guy and I don't think he was ready for it. Like, for any guy to make that kind of move."
"Oh," Sir Smoulder said. "I don't have any prepared advice for that one."
Merlin reached for his coffee and took a long swallow which jerked his eyes open. "Ugh. Well, yeah, it was stupid. I should have waited."
"Sometimes waiting doesn't make things simpler, just more complicated," Sir Smoulder said with feeling.
"You and your girlfriend waited too long?"
"You could say that." Silence fell.
"It's none of my business," Merlin said. "But you started this chat, so…"
"There was a third party involved. It was messy and it was entirely my fault. We should have been honest long before we were."
"That must have been difficult."
"I lost my best friend over it." Sir Smoulder's face showed nothing but regret. "And I deserved to. But the thing was, I couldn't have done anything else."
Merlin tried to imagine not kissing Arthur. He tried to imagine just spending the rest of last night normally. And he was sure he'd been right to say that Arthur wasn't ready, but he couldn't have held himself back. He couldn't have borne not to kiss him, even if it meant everything was ruined.
"Lance!" the girl at the counter was calling. "I've got your tea now. Sorry, someone had hidden the Ceylon and I didn't want to give you anything less."
"You are my angel, Gwen," Lance said. He didn't say it as some men would have, joking or patronising or ostentatiously flattering. His tone was completely matter of fact, as though she really was his angel and she should know about it. And she blushed so prettily up at him, her face all lit up and lovely.
"Wait," Merlin said suddenly. "Lance and Gwen? You're… The third person was Arthur!"
Gwen recoiled immediately, nearly knocking over Lance's tea. Lance himself turned to Merlin at once. "You know Arthur?"
Merlin gulped. "Only a little."
"Please," Gwen said. "Oh, please - how is he?"
Merlin looked from Lance's face to Gwen's. They had been so unthinkingly kind to him, a total stranger. They had betrayed someone who had trusted them completely. Merlin might have wondered about the completely different sides of the two people in front of him had he not been able to see the guilt and shame in their faces. They had known what it would cost them and they had done it anyway.
Merlin could almost sympathise with that.
"He's…" What could Merlin possibly say? "I don't really know."
*
By the time Leon had managed to clear time to sit down with Arthur, the boy had calmed down.
It didn't take long to get the story out of him.
"I'm not gay!" Arthur finished, his whole body trembling. "I'm not!"
Leon nodded to himself. "You haven't really talked much about missing your girlfriend Gwen," he said. "You mentioned her as a catalyst for this bout of depression but I haven't heard you talk about her other than that."
Arthur looked a little wild-eyed at the change of subject. "I don't think about her much."
"Really?" Leon's scepticism shone through.
Arthur rubbed his forehead, curling in on himself slightly. "It hurt, you know?" he said. "I met her and she… We were friends first and she was just cool." Arthur smiled sadly at the memory. "She didn't let me get away with anything, and she was pretty and sweet and it was the first time I ever really felt anything for a girl, you know? But…"
"But?" Leon prompted when the silence had gone on for too long.
"She had a stronger connection with Lance," Arthur said. "I think I saw it right away but I didn't want to. She was the only girl I'd ever felt that way about and she was falling for my best friend right in front of me. And I couldn't even blame her because I was trying you know, really trying to open up to her and everything but I just didn't know how and there was Lance who's always been like a knight in shining armour."
"It's him you blame?" Leon asked, face inquisitive.
"He was the only person I had told some of this stuff to. Anything close to what I talk about here. But he took her anyway." Arthur wiped his mouth. "I was so angry with him. I still am."
"Have you seen them since?"
"Couple of times around town. We're at the same university, you know?" Arthur clenched his fists and released them slowly when the palms of his hands began to burn. "It's a real pain because Lance volunteers for Nightline so it's not like I can call them if I've got a problem."
Leon looked him dead in the eyes. "Maybe you should think about it." He let that find its target before he went on, "You mentioned twice that Gwen's the only girl you've ever had those kinds of feelings for."
Arthur tensed again. "So?"
"So I wonder," Leon said softly, "if there's ever been another person."
"I'm not gay!" Arthur burst out again. "I can't be!"
"Your reaction to the idea is very strong if you are sure that it isn't the case," Leon said in the same level tone.
Arthur had been shaking his head even while Leon spoke. "You don't understand - I can't be gay! I'd be a target for the Valiants of the world all my life. My father would disown me!"
Now they were getting somewhere. Leon took a calming breath. "You said before that your father would not approve of what Valiant had done."
"Oh, he'd never resort to brute force," Arthur spat. "But he's got more money than God and he pumps it into the most right-wing political forces going. Anyone who was against the Civil Partnership Act got a sizeable donation from Pendragon Industries. I'm already a disappointment to him - what will happen if I tell him something like this? It will kill him and he's my only family! Mother's dead, Morgana doesn't care, it's only him and if I lose him that's my family gone!" There were tears in Arthur's eyes when he finished and Leon had to supress the unprofessional urge to hug him.
"Arthur," Leon said, "this realisation is difficult for many people, for many reasons. But the reason you ended up here, talking to me, is because you were not able to acknowledge your feelings."
Arthur's face was white.
"You have always spoken about Merlin as an example to you. Is it such a leap to think that there might be some attraction there?"
"I can't-" Arthur couldn't stop shaking. Leon started to fear that he had pushed too hard too quickly.
"Arthur," he went on, "this is just something for you to think about. But I really think you need to examine the reasons this has disturbed you so badly."
"I can't," Arthur said, the word wrenched from him in total despair, and then before Leon could stop him he was up and gone.
*
Merlin wasn't a girl and therefore didn't say things like 'my heart skipped a beat', not even in his own head. Because that was how things started and then he would end up saying it aloud and Will would never let him live it down.
Still, the feeling when someone knocked on his door was more akin to the phrase that could not be thought than any other description his mind could conjure.
"Oh it's you," he said when he opened the door to find Gwaine standing there.
"Cheers, mate!" Gwaine said, brushing past Merlin and into his room.
"Sorry," Merlin said as he closed the door. "It's just…"
"You were hoping I was your fancy man, ain't that right?" Gwaine had already taken up lounging position on Merlin's bed.
Merlin flopped down beside him with an "Ugh."
Gwaine tipped his head to the side. "You all right there Merlin? I thought you'd be glad of the chance to hang out given that I've not exactly been around so much lately." He shrugged. "Fucking like rabbits, you know how new relationships are."
"Yeah," Merlin said, "she's holding out on you. Will told me."
"Damn him. Ah, well, can't blame a guy for chancing his arm," Gwaine said without a hint of embarrassment. "Anyway I saw your Arthur heading off so I figured you'd be around. Thought I could buy you a pint to make up for being a crap friend lately."
Merlin couldn't help himself. "Arthur's gone out?"
"Gone away for the weekend he said," Gwaine shrugged. "It's only Thursday sure enough but skiving should be encouraged wherever possible."
Merlin didn't say anything though his stomach squirmed within him. Gwaine was no fool and it took him mere moments to diagnose. "Oh, hell. You really did go and fall for the prat didn't you?"
Merlin swallowed hard. "Gwaine, I think I've fucked everything up."
Gwaine slung a companionable arm around Merlin's shoulders. "Right then. Let's go and get bladdered and you can tell me all about it."
*
"Arthur," Uther acknowledged.
"Father," Arthur replied, his hand clenching tighter on the handle of his suitcase. The train journey back to London had seemed to take forever as Arthur's mind whirled and now he stood in front of the man whose approval had always been the most important motivation in Arthur's life.
He couldn't, couldn't let his turmoil show.
"It's good to see you, son," Uther said. "I'm sorry I couldn't meet you at the station. Why don't you go to your room and get settled. Dinner will be at…"
"Seven o'clock," Arthur finished for him. Uther ran a tight ship.
His old bedroom was exactly the same, right down to the stash of rugby magazines he'd kept to wank to in his teens. Arthur swallowed hard when he looked at them.
It was funny: he'd thought because he'd never been attracted to any of his team mates that it hadn't been real, just harmless teenage stuff. Gwen was supposed to be his salvation.
Nothing had worked out the way Arthur had hoped.
Morgana's old room, next to his, hadn't been opened since the day she'd announced to Uther that she was never coming back. Arthur lingered by the door, longing to open it and find her there to advise him, or mock him, or force him to do the right thing. He missed her.
She didn't miss him, though. Arthur left the door closed.
Dinner was already on the table when Arthur took his seat at precisely 7.02. Uther's mouth twitched in displeasure but he didn't say anything.
Arthur began to eat in silence.
"So, Arthur, " Uther began. "How are your studies going?"
Arthur swallowed. "Well enough." He really wasn't that interested in Economics but he had a good head for figures and he was passing his courses well enough.
"Confident about the upcoming exams?"
"Yes, sir."
"Good," Uther nodded. "You'll need a strong business awareness if you are someday to assume control of the company."
"Yes, sir."
Uther looked at Arthur hard for a moment. Then, "And how is rugby?"
Arthur felt his face tighten. "I quit the team."
Uther frowned. "Why would you do that? You know that sport is important."
"My team mates weren't the kind of people I wanted to associate with."
Uther snorted. "Well, quite, but you will always encounter a mixture of people, Arthur. There is no reason to become snobbish."
"That's not what I mean, Father," Arthur gritted out.
"Ah?" Uther nodded. "No, I suppose that would have been rather out of character."
"Leon says I need to stop doing things that are out of character or I'll never work out what my character is," Arthur said without thinking.
"Leon?" Uther pounced. "Is Leon a friend?"
Arthur swallowed; his eyes dropped to his plate. Uther had given him an out. He could take it or he could tell his father the truth for what might as well have been the first time in his life. "Leon is my therapist."
Uther's eyebrows shot up. "You're seeing a therapist?"
"Yes, Father."
Uther put down his fork. "But there's nothing wrong with you."
Arthur's mouth ran dry. "Nothing wrong with me?"
Uther looked at him. "Certainly. I cannot understand why you would waste time…"
Arthur wasn't listening. "Nothing wrong with me?"
"Arthur…"
"Father, I am miserable," Arthur blurted. "I feel like there's no room to breathe, like there never has been, like I've spent my whole life numbing myself to everything I should have been feeling and I don't know what to do! I've done everything you ever asked me to and it is killing me, do you understand?"
"Arthur, you're being hysterical," Uther said calmly.
"Maybe I am! It's better than feeling nothing."
Uther looked at him then, some odd expression on his face. "You think I feel nothing?"
"I think Mum died and you decided that you never wanted to be hurt like that ever again. So you shut everyone out and you taught me to keep everything locked up inside and you didn't realise just how badly I was choking on it." Arthur laughed shakily. "You always made it so clear what you expected of me and I did it all - I played rugby, I mixed with the right people, I went to read Economics and I never wanted any of it. I just wanted to stop feeling like a big disappointment to you."
"Arthur, you were never…"
But Arthur couldn't hear him. "Do you know that two months ago I was spending every day thinking of suicide?"
Uther fell into silence.
"I realised," Arthur went on, "that I had never really been myself in my whole life. And you're saying there's nothing wrong with me." He laughed again, absolutely hollow.
Uther swallowed. "Arthur, you never told me any of this. If you need help, then of course we'll get you the best possible care - time to rest, perhaps, any doctor you want to see-"
"You're not listening to me!" Arthur shouted. He had never shouted at his father in his life. "You cannot take this over and wish it away and make it better. I am telling you that I am working this out, and what I need from you is just a little bit of support."
Uther looked at his son for a long time, saying nothing.
Arthur nodded to himself. "Right."
"Arthur, please," Uther said, his voice subdued. "I'm just trying to understand."
"Well that's a first," Arthur spat, and without another word he stormed back to his bedroom and lay there in the dark, arms tightly around himself in case he shook apart.
*
"Well that's the thing, isn’t it?" Gwaine slurred. "You think you know what you want and then a beautiful blonde wanders in and fucks it all up."
"Yeah," Merlin nodded. "Yeah, exactly."
"I mean, I just wanted something casual!" Gwaine went on. "I was never attracted to the ladettes! But this girl, she can belch the alphabet! And she can climb without fumbling but then she'll fall off her high heels which aren't even that high! And I keep feeling all this stuff I didn't expect to feel until… well, never!"
Merlin had been nodding along, but Gwaine had lost him somewhere around the high heels. "Can't say I get you there," he admitted.
He jumped when Gwaine suddenly roared at someone across the bar. "Gilli! Come and take a seat!"
"You're pissed, aren't you?" Gilli asked wryly.
"Extremely," Gwaine agreed happily. "Pint?"
"Not a fan," Gilli said. "I wanted to say thanks to you though Emrys."
"Me? For why?"
"For helping out with those guys. You know that guy Arthur?"
"He's trying not to," Gwaine interjected.
"Why?" Gilli asked. "He's a good guy. I was scared to tell campus security so he came with me. Valiant's been told that one more report and he'll be asked to leave the university and Arthur made it clear that if he came after me again I'd report him again."
"Shit," Merlin breathed. He turned to Gwaine. "See, he does something like this - how am I supposed to hate him?"
"Guess you're not," Gwaine commiserated. "Drink more instead!"
*
Breakfast at the Pendragon house was strained, to say the least.
"I'm going back to Albion tomorrow," Arthur said flatly. "It was a mistake to come here."
Uther folded the newspaper he had been reading in lieu of looking his son in the face. "Arthur, you cannot come here and tell me that you've been thinking of- of harming yourself, and then just disappear."
"I'm telling you that I'm handling it," Arthur said. "I'm in therapy and I'm on medication. But, Father, there's a lot that's coming out of it all and I need…" He ran a hand through his hair tiredly. "There are a lot of choices I've let you make for me and that has to change. I can't keep trying to live up to you and failing. It's too hard."
"I never wanted you to be me," Uther replied. Arthur made a noise but Uther cut him off, "No, Arthur. You said a lot last night and maybe we do both need some time. But I want you to know, you've never been a disappointment to me. Not ever."
Arthur's face twisted. "Father, I think I'm gay." He hadn't meant to say it. It just fell out into the middle of a moment that was the closest he'd felt to his father in years.
Uther's face drained of all expression. And then, without a word, he got up and left the room.
*
Merlin was not expecting the loud knocking on his door that night; he winced, still a little rough from the night before. He stumbled to the door, shocked to find Arthur standing there.
"What-?" was all he got out before he saw that Arthur was crying. "Arthur, what's wrong?"
Arthur looked absolutely wretched. "I just came out to my father," he whispered.
Merlin's brain fused. He'd been so worried about having pushed Arthur too fast and Arthur had taken it upon himself to go nuclear. Part of him was just shocked. Part of him was delighted, thinking This might mean I can have him! and the rest of him was disgusted with himself for that tiny elation because Arthur was coming to pieces right in front of him.
It didn't matter what Merlin wanted, not right this moment. What mattered was that Arthur understood he was not alone.
Wordlessly, Merlin wrapped his arms around Arthur, pulling him just far enough into his room so that he could close the door. Arthur was shaking but still broader and stronger than Merlin and when he abruptly returned the embrace, Merlin was all but winded.
"Come on," he said gently. "Let's sit."
The room was tiny; there was nowhere for two people to sit except the bed. Merlin hoped that Arthur didn't panic as he guided the two of them down, his arms still around Arthur who wept as though he would never stop.
It took a long time, but eventually Arthur was all cried out. Merlin was still holding him, stroking his hair and murmuring nonsense designed to soothe.
"I always knew," Arthur said, his voice dead and heavy. "I never wanted to know but I always did. I couldn’t… I loved Gwen, I did, but I didn't want her."
Merlin kept stroking. He'd never had to face this sudden reversal of who he'd thought he was: when he'd hit puberty Merlin had realised that it was boys not girls who elicited sexual feeling in him and that had more or less been that.
"I want you," Arthur said so quietly that Merlin wasn't sure he'd heard him.
He stiffened, looking down at Arthur's head tucked in against his skinny shoulder. Arthur didn't look up.
"I'm so tired," Arthur said, and Merlin sighed.
"Lie down," he said as gently as he could. "I've got you. It's all right. You can sleep now."
*
Arthur woke up still wrapped in Merlin's arms. It was terrifying and yet the safest he could ever remember feeling.
Merlin had already been awake. Arthur had pulled away, mumbling something about classes. "It's Saturday," Merlin pointed out quietly.
Arthur bit his lip.
"It's all right," Merlin said. "I know this has been a hell of a few days. It's OK if you need time to think."
I love you, Arthur thought, which was irrational and insane and God, he hoped Merlin could feel that way too.
He was behaving like a total basket case. "Yeah. Time to think," he agreed. "And a shower."
"You know if you need to talk," Merlin said haltingly, "I'm right here. Any time."
"Don't be such a girl, Merlin," Arthur said, taking refuge behind his usual armour, but he squeezed Merlin's hand as he said it.
Merlin squeezed back. "Prat."
Arthur got up.
After a shower and a clean set of clothes, Arthur wandered out into the town. He didn't know where he was going until he was there, standing at the entrance to Costa coffee the way he had stood outside the entrance to Morgana's room.
This time, though, he went inside.
Gwen was at the counter bustling about, her curly hair wild and all over the place the way it always got after an hour or so of steaming milk. The café was pretty full. Lance was sitting in a corner booth. That used to be him, Arthur remembered. Watching Gwen work while he pretended to study, drinking endless cups of coffee while she experimented with new blends. And sometimes his best mate would come.
"Arthur," Gwen said as though his name had just tumbled out of her mouth without her volition.
Lance's head jerked up; he half-rose.
"Pot of tea if you would," Arthur said to Gwen. "I'll be over there."
Gwen's eyes darted back and forth between Arthur and Lance. She nodded jerkily and turned to make his tea.
Arthur sat down opposite Lance. For a long while neither of them spoke.
"I've been worried about you," Lance said at last. "I wanted to see how you were, but I didn't think you'd want to talk to me."
"I didn't," Arthur said. "But the last few days…" He shrugged.
Lance nodded. Silence fell again.
Gwen brought over the tea on a tray with a tiny jug of milk. Arthur was half-expecting her to fumble it, but she placed it in front of him effortlessly.
"I think you did the right thing breaking up with me," Arthur said to her elbow.
Gwen stilled. "Arthur-"
"No, I really mean it," Arthur said. "Because as it turns out I seem to be…" He swallowed. It was only the second time he would ever say it, and the first time he had consciously chosen to. "I seem to be gay," he forced out.
Gwen made a soft sound in the back of her throat; Lance's face reflected a deep sympathy. "Arthur," he said, "I'm so sorry."
Arthur knew what he meant. Lance was sorry he'd had to go through this alone.
"Have you told your father?" Lance asked softly.
Arthur met his gaze and nodded. It was all he could do to prevent the tears from rising again.
Gwen squeezed his shoulder gently. "I'm glad you told us," she said, her voice trembling. Arthur sank into her touch and Lance's hand on his arm, the warmth and the familiarity of them.
"Me too," he managed to say.
*
"Well," Leon said, sitting back. "That's quite the remarkable few days you've had, Arthur. You accepted your sexuality, came out to your father and forgave your best friend. You certainly don't waste time when you've decided on the right course of action."
Leon was usually neutral throughout their sessions - that was why Arthur recognised the glint of admiration in his eyes. Pride filled him.
"Guess not," Arthur said, shrugging. "Wonder what else I'll find out about myself."
"There's still a lot to be dealt with," Leon said.
Arthur nodded. "My father hasn't spoken to me for a week. I don't know yet whether he's going to."
Leon nodded. "Do you regret telling him the truth?"
"No," Arthur said at once. "No, it was killing me. I see that now." He laughed. "You know, when I was in school Merlin would have been someone I picked on. And yet, he's the reason…"
Leon eyed Arthur. "How do you feel about Merlin?"
A smile tugged the corner of Arthur's mouth. "It's like hope came in the shape of a person."
"That's a lot to put on a person you know, Arthur," Leon cautioned.
"I know," Arthur said, his face turning serious again. "I know, and it's not- I know I'm not all magically fixed now. I do. I still feel like hell some days, and my sleeping's still all over the place. I've still got a lot I want to talk about but the thing is, I want to now. That's something, yeah?"
"Yes," Leon said, smiling. "Yes, it is."
*
"OK," Arthur said, brushing past Merlin as soon as he opened his door. "Here are some things you should know. I haven't exactly given a press conference about, you know, being gay, but I've told the people who matter to me and it hasn't all been smooth sailing. That's not all though. I'm being treated for clinical depression. I'm on medication, and I'm going to therapy. I'm probably going to be broke now because it seems pretty certain that my Father's going to cut me off. I hate Economics and I think I want to be a teacher. I'm not always brave like you and I'm probably going to fuck this up at least once. Will you go out with me?"
Merlin stood looking at him slack-jawed.
Arthur waited as long as he could bear it before he said, "Doing a wonderful goldfish impression there, Merlin, brilliant. But I'm a little anxious here, so would you do me the honour of answering the damn question?"
Merlin's expression turned to one of incredulity. "You are such a prat. You just blurt out all of that and… You are still such a prat!"
Arthur felt the knots in his stomach ease. "That's a yes, isn't it?"
Merlin gulped. "I'm a virgin," he blurted out. "I act like I know what I'm doing but I haven't got a clue. And not just about boys, about everything. I'm not brave, I just don't think things through because if I did I'd be paralysed. I have superpowers. Are you sure you want me to?"
"Certain," Arthur said, reaching out to grasp the nape of Merlin's neck and pull him closer. "So?"
"Let's do it," Merlin said right before Arthur's mouth descended on his.
Epilogue
It hadn't been easy. It hadn't been all rainbows and hearts and flowers. Arthur still had bad days, terrible days when he could barely force himself to get out of bed, and Merlin had to deal with it. The magic thing had led to a fight when Arthur finally realised Merlin had been serious about the superpowers.
But Arthur went to sessions every week with Leon and he talked about the things that made him unhappy. Gwaine had taken to him, and even Will had covered his back that time Valiant had shown up.
Merlin got to like Gwen and Lance more and more. They were the kindest people he could imagine, and he was glad that Arthur had managed not to hate them even if in his darker moments Merlin wondered how much he was paying for their mistake.
There was love, too, in the way Arthur kissed him slowly, drugging him, and the way he steeled himself but held Merlin's hand all the way along the high street. There was trust in the way Arthur let Merlin slide inside him. There was hope in the mornings when Merlin woke to find Arthur watching him sleep. All those things were also true.
Merlin never understood quite how bad it had been until the morning he awoke to hear Arthur having a hushed conversation on the phone.
"I know what you think, Father," Arthur said quietly. "But the fact is, this is not a snap decision and it is not something I would be prepared to change even assuming I could."
A pause, and then, Arthur's voice full of menace, "If 'that boy' hadn't stayed up talking to me until after 4am, I would have killed myself that night. So don't tell me he's a bad influence."
The phone snapped closed angrily.
"Is that true?" Merlin asked, completely awake now.
Arthur turned to him. "I thought you were asleep."
"I was," Merlin replied. "Is it true?"
Arthur took a deep breath, looked Merlin right in the face and nodded. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I didn't… It seemed like it would be too much. I didn't want to scare you."
"It does scare me, but not the way you mean." Merlin was out of bed and across the room in seconds. "Arthur, promise me, don't ever… It would kill me too."
Arthur looked into Merlin's face, and saw nothing but anguish; he wrapped his arms around Merlin immediately, one large hand cradling the back of his head. "No, Merlin, no - I'd never do it now. And not just because of you, though God knows I love you. No, I see now you have to face things. So I never would."
Merlin clung to him. "Good. Good. God, you're a prat. I can't believe you were thinking like that."
"You know what scares me the most? If I'd done it, we'd never have had any of this." Arthur's arms tightened.
Merlin gave a choked off sob. Arthur pulled back just a little, just to look him in the face. "Thank you," he said, his face as open as Merlin had ever seen it. "Even if this ends up… No matter what, this was worth it."
"Yeah," Merlin said, tears in his eyes, his beloved idiot in his arms. "Yeah, it is."
Arthur kissed the side of Merlin's face. "Do you want to go to breakfast?"
Merlin shook his head. "Life's too short. Let's go back to bed."
~fin