Depressed...again

[merlamb02]

Hey all....I am just going to start typing about my thoughts. You really dont have to read it I just need to write something. I am really depressed about my dads death. I keep having random flashes about him. Stupid little things remind me of him. Tonight, December 4, I had a hell of a breakdown. I was listening to the CD that we played at his funeral and the song Daddy's Hands came on and I was fine but something made me want to listen to it again. So i did. Then I just broke down. I try to make people think I am doin fine with it but I am really have a hard time. I spent six years helping take care of my dad with mom and I just feel like I could have done something different so he wouldnt have died. My mom thinks she could have done something too but I tell her there was nothing to do. But I am telling her something that I believe true when it applies to her but not to me. I do not accept failure and i think that is what i did with dad...FAILED!!!!!

It is hard for me right now too because mom is in Farmington with all her friends and my sister and brother. I am in Macomb at school. No one is here for me. My roomates are here but they arent. I really dont wanna talk about it with them because they still have their parents, which is great, but they would have no idea what I am talking about or thinking or even feeling. i dont like to burden other people, i am supposed to help and take care of others, not the other way around.

I am sorry if that was a waste of space but I really needed to type it before i have another breakdown.

Thanks for listening.