(no subject)
I applied to 2 more jobs today. I submitted my application for a 6-8 week contract for an Office Assistant/Data entry clerk. I also applied online to the Wine Rack. I have noticed that there are tons of jobs available...sadly, a lot of them deal with proposal writing and recruiting...of which I have no interest in doing anymore. I have gotten calls/emails from 3 more companies this week (and it's only Tuesday!)...but I just can't do it. Not if I want to keep my sanity.
I was talking to Henderson this morning...I feel bad because I know that every day he's going into work and he puts in long hours. Granted, his morning is spent on the beach, setting up chairs and umbrellas..but still. He works probably 12-14 hours per day. And then he'll ask what I'm up to...and I'll say, "not much. I'm going to the bank" or "I'm studying" or "today is housework day." Today I told him that I was looking for a job...and he said, "Why don't you look for a job here? I'll help you. You can stay with me and I will take care of you until we can get you a job here." Holy shit...so tempting. So very fucking tempting. Like I need to get my ass in gear and get packing tempting. I told him that...and he chuckled and said, "so what's stopping you, exactly?"
And here's what's giving me pause: FEAR. That's right. I am terrified. My friends all think I am being brave and adventurous planning this move. But honestly, part of me is scared shitless. What if I get down there and can't find a job? What if I get down there and find out in 2 weeks that I hate it? However...I don't think that's the biggest fear. What if I get down there and discover I love it and never want to come back to Canada again? What if my grandma and aunt die while I'm living there and I can't get home for their funerals? What if I never see Brady again?
But then I come to the big questions facing me right now. Am I happy with my life as it is right now? Am I happy here in Ottawa? Is my life everything it could be? If I died tomorrow, would I be satisfied with how my life had gone?
And I have to admit...that no, I am not happy with my life as it is right now. I feel like I have lived my whole life to date based on the expectations that other people have for me. I am tired of living in Ottawa. I can remember when I first started travelling, coming home to Ottawa was like a breath of fresh air. Now, when I leave Barbados, all I want to do is cry. The thought of coming back to Ottawa, to my apartment here, just makes me feel empty and worthless. My life is definitely NOT everything it could be...yes, I am on the cusp of getting my BA...and that's huge. But I see myself having my own restaurant...and the more I think about it, the more I see that restaurant as a little cantina, serving breakfast and lunch on a beach in Barbados. My sisters are both content (or at least seem to be) to get married and settle down. And while I am intrigued by this thing I have going on with Henderson...as much as I like him, and as sweet as he seems to be, until I get to know him better, I'll be honest - I am simply using him as a means to an end. I don't know what, if anything, will come out of this "relationship" but if I have at least made a good friend who is willing to help me figure out a way to move to Barbados, then it can't be a bad thing.
And so the planning continues...because I know if I am not living in Barbados by January 2011, then I will need serious anti-depressants.
I was talking to Henderson this morning...I feel bad because I know that every day he's going into work and he puts in long hours. Granted, his morning is spent on the beach, setting up chairs and umbrellas..but still. He works probably 12-14 hours per day. And then he'll ask what I'm up to...and I'll say, "not much. I'm going to the bank" or "I'm studying" or "today is housework day." Today I told him that I was looking for a job...and he said, "Why don't you look for a job here? I'll help you. You can stay with me and I will take care of you until we can get you a job here." Holy shit...so tempting. So very fucking tempting. Like I need to get my ass in gear and get packing tempting. I told him that...and he chuckled and said, "so what's stopping you, exactly?"
And here's what's giving me pause: FEAR. That's right. I am terrified. My friends all think I am being brave and adventurous planning this move. But honestly, part of me is scared shitless. What if I get down there and can't find a job? What if I get down there and find out in 2 weeks that I hate it? However...I don't think that's the biggest fear. What if I get down there and discover I love it and never want to come back to Canada again? What if my grandma and aunt die while I'm living there and I can't get home for their funerals? What if I never see Brady again?
But then I come to the big questions facing me right now. Am I happy with my life as it is right now? Am I happy here in Ottawa? Is my life everything it could be? If I died tomorrow, would I be satisfied with how my life had gone?
And I have to admit...that no, I am not happy with my life as it is right now. I feel like I have lived my whole life to date based on the expectations that other people have for me. I am tired of living in Ottawa. I can remember when I first started travelling, coming home to Ottawa was like a breath of fresh air. Now, when I leave Barbados, all I want to do is cry. The thought of coming back to Ottawa, to my apartment here, just makes me feel empty and worthless. My life is definitely NOT everything it could be...yes, I am on the cusp of getting my BA...and that's huge. But I see myself having my own restaurant...and the more I think about it, the more I see that restaurant as a little cantina, serving breakfast and lunch on a beach in Barbados. My sisters are both content (or at least seem to be) to get married and settle down. And while I am intrigued by this thing I have going on with Henderson...as much as I like him, and as sweet as he seems to be, until I get to know him better, I'll be honest - I am simply using him as a means to an end. I don't know what, if anything, will come out of this "relationship" but if I have at least made a good friend who is willing to help me figure out a way to move to Barbados, then it can't be a bad thing.
And so the planning continues...because I know if I am not living in Barbados by January 2011, then I will need serious anti-depressants.