(no subject)
Its been a while. I really dont think I will ever change. I have tried and failed, but That happens. Still trying though. Every thing around me feels the same but different. I see people and hear their voices but they seem so empty. I think that is what has been nagging me for a while. I feel like more now a days, not better just more, and others, not all people, feel like less. I have been laughing a lot these days and smiling, I like it. My arrogant side has returned and i feel just more. Im not afraid any more. Im still accedent prone and I still have people telling me that these accedents are signs from the God. I have my irrational moments, Who doesnt? I know I have said this before but I feel the same but different. I no longer fear the other shoe. I still expect it but as of yet it hasnt killed me, Its tried I think acouple of times this past year but Im still here. I think i found my heart agian under all the rubble, its a bit dusty and out of use but its there where it belongs on the sleave of my shirt. It getting harder and harder to convince people at work I am a cold hearted bitch, some have even seen the real me, maybe I can lay the Ghost to rest.
I have decied that NC is not my Home but neighter is OH. I really dont think i have one not beccause I am not loved, for in both states i am Loved very deeply by more people then i realize. I really think my home is where im needed. im not needed here not in the sense I need to leave my heart here for any peiod of time. this is the final push i think That few sedconds of concentration before the boulder starts to roll its a tense time but when it happens i think my taunt muscles will relax and the cold hearted butch will leave I will have my place finally which is weird becasue I think it is my Fate to be a wanderer. i like to call it The Ghost only around enough to solve the problem. I metuion earlier that I might lay the Ghost to rest I ment I have been using it as a defence not to let other people in it worked for a while then one day a friend ( not close) started to cry and the bitch walked accrost the room and did what i do best hugged my crying friend it startled every one some times i slip up but I think I am going to try Jessie for a while she was a nice person I am thankful for the person who helped her in to being. She doesnt know it but she couldnt have given me a better gift.
i have seen a lot of soul searching lately here. this is what i have come up with:
My name is Jessica Ann Moulder, I keep my feet on the Ground my head in the clouds and my nose in a book. My hearts on my sleave and I think my soul is im my hands and Iam only a member of the human race good or bad.