Friday, June 25, 2010
I've been debating whether to write notes here, or to just simply make status updates to keep track of what I need to.
I've been debating as to which of the many paths that lay before me is the one that will make me happy. Poetry, music, sewing/ cloth painting, gaming, dance, creative collaboration -- I want all of them in my life. I am discovering, however, that there is only time and energy for one thing at a time. Which ONE do I want? I do know that whichever I pick, I will want another one tomorrow, but without giving up whatever I already have. I have never been able to keep to one thing at a time - I've always been a "multi-tasker" when working and it overflows into my non-"working" activities as well. Why just play an instrument when you can write the music, sing it AND play it? Why simply sew when you can design, pattern, cut, sew and decorate? For some reason that is deeply buried within, I feel I have to be able to do MORE than one thing, in order to be wanted/needed/accepted. (Just thinking out loud here, my friends/phamily) Moving from that place to one where I know that no matter what I do, it is just right and not too little, is an ever evolving action.
I have been debating if happiness is truly an attainable constant, or whether it is a fleeting gift that is meant to carry you through the majority of life's slogging bogways.
Amidst the eternal debate today I have cleaned up the kitchen, watered and sang to the plants, answered e-mails and generally gave my opinion on what my friends are doing on Facebook, picked up/cleaned up the house, took 3 bags of plastic bottles to the recycler, donated a box of clothes, and went to the grocery store (as well as dragging everything from the store into the house). I am now writing this and afterwards will fall out on the back porch and enjoy the pretty green that is there (until I get too hot).
Mainly I am writing down what I do each day so that I won't feel like I do NOTHING and am worth NOTHING (please - no telling me "oh you're alright!" - I don't need that, I'm just expressing a self-thought that occurs to me sometime - it isn't a major thing). I am debating to myself about getting myself out in the communities and doing tarot readings, participating in free things (having absolutely NO money completely changes your perspective on what is entertaining to you), and generally trying to Live while not contributing to the ECPF (Ever Constant Pain Factor) that is within me. When simply going to the grocery store wipes you out for a day, keeping that under control can be a difficult thing.
I've been debating as to which of the many paths that lay before me is the one that will make me happy. Poetry, music, sewing/ cloth painting, gaming, dance, creative collaboration -- I want all of them in my life. I am discovering, however, that there is only time and energy for one thing at a time. Which ONE do I want? I do know that whichever I pick, I will want another one tomorrow, but without giving up whatever I already have. I have never been able to keep to one thing at a time - I've always been a "multi-tasker" when working and it overflows into my non-"working" activities as well. Why just play an instrument when you can write the music, sing it AND play it? Why simply sew when you can design, pattern, cut, sew and decorate? For some reason that is deeply buried within, I feel I have to be able to do MORE than one thing, in order to be wanted/needed/accepted. (Just thinking out loud here, my friends/phamily) Moving from that place to one where I know that no matter what I do, it is just right and not too little, is an ever evolving action.
I have been debating if happiness is truly an attainable constant, or whether it is a fleeting gift that is meant to carry you through the majority of life's slogging bogways.
Amidst the eternal debate today I have cleaned up the kitchen, watered and sang to the plants, answered e-mails and generally gave my opinion on what my friends are doing on Facebook, picked up/cleaned up the house, took 3 bags of plastic bottles to the recycler, donated a box of clothes, and went to the grocery store (as well as dragging everything from the store into the house). I am now writing this and afterwards will fall out on the back porch and enjoy the pretty green that is there (until I get too hot).
Mainly I am writing down what I do each day so that I won't feel like I do NOTHING and am worth NOTHING (please - no telling me "oh you're alright!" - I don't need that, I'm just expressing a self-thought that occurs to me sometime - it isn't a major thing). I am debating to myself about getting myself out in the communities and doing tarot readings, participating in free things (having absolutely NO money completely changes your perspective on what is entertaining to you), and generally trying to Live while not contributing to the ECPF (Ever Constant Pain Factor) that is within me. When simply going to the grocery store wipes you out for a day, keeping that under control can be a difficult thing.