(no subject)
for me, the draw of solitude is that there is no one else to complicate that feeling i have of complete gratitude and wonder that happens often when i am up against things which are larger than myself. it is as if i am free and empty even of myself in those moments, and the negotiation of it is purely private.
now and again i do believe that i have felt that same way in the company of others. it bonds us the way a trauma would. but those feelings are few and far between. perhaps they are the only moments in life when i don't feel lonely -- and that is that they involve the admission, from each of us, of that loneliness. it is like looking at stars and feeling small and meaningless while wishing upon them, or being in love.
lately i have felt loved enough to be on my own for a while. i know the things i ought to do with myself, but i do not know if i have courage yet to do them. more and more is at stake as i grow older and so it is harder now than ever to be kind to myself for who i am. being alone is largely about getting to know one's self, but it is always a kind of improvement at the same time.
i feel like i've been practicing at happiness for a while, and have finally gotten some of it down by rote. i can remember the feeling and start there instead of reviewing the manual. like learning a language and speaking it fluently through association and images, rather than translating it back to some native tongue.
i think it is important to me, right now, and more than ever, to remember that happiness is at once something we feel and something we sustain. this is the beginning of it, but this is all it is. scary. wonderful. i'm nervous. i'm grateful. we'll see.
now and again i do believe that i have felt that same way in the company of others. it bonds us the way a trauma would. but those feelings are few and far between. perhaps they are the only moments in life when i don't feel lonely -- and that is that they involve the admission, from each of us, of that loneliness. it is like looking at stars and feeling small and meaningless while wishing upon them, or being in love.
lately i have felt loved enough to be on my own for a while. i know the things i ought to do with myself, but i do not know if i have courage yet to do them. more and more is at stake as i grow older and so it is harder now than ever to be kind to myself for who i am. being alone is largely about getting to know one's self, but it is always a kind of improvement at the same time.
i feel like i've been practicing at happiness for a while, and have finally gotten some of it down by rote. i can remember the feeling and start there instead of reviewing the manual. like learning a language and speaking it fluently through association and images, rather than translating it back to some native tongue.
i think it is important to me, right now, and more than ever, to remember that happiness is at once something we feel and something we sustain. this is the beginning of it, but this is all it is. scary. wonderful. i'm nervous. i'm grateful. we'll see.