I can dream all I want... but will anything ever come of it??
I hate feeling so confused. I feel like everything is on the verge of being really good. Like everything is starting to come together. But I also feel like everything seems to have stalled at this one point that I just can't seem to get past. I know what I want. I know what I need. I just don't know how to move forward and go after what I want. I'm scared of hurting the one person that I really want to make happy. Well the one person other then myself.
I know what I want and need for myself. I'm tired of dead end jobs that last a few months or a year and then fizzle out to the point I feel so rundown that I just have to move on or I feel like I'll go crazy. I want to do something I love. I want to do something I will enjoy. And most of all I really want to do something that will make a difference in at least one persons life.
I'm tired of living just in the here and now. Of not looking too far past tomorrow. I want to be able to see myself a year down the road. Three years down the road. 10 years down the road. I want to work towards buying a house. By myself or with someone else. To getting a car I really like. To getting married and having a kid or 2 a few years down the road. I thought by now I'd have all that.
I found the person I want that with. And I lost him. And then he found me again. Same guy. Different circumstances. I figured the second time around would go smoother. I figured if he loves me as much as he said he did that it would be easy. Or at least not seriously complicated. Man, was I ever wrong. Instead it is more confusing and more stressful than I would ever have imagined.
But the thing is no matter what I do. No matter how much I try and talk myself into just moving on. I can't. I know there is something there. I know it can be developed. I know it can be all I've ever dreamed of. I just don't know how to get there. I know I need him obviously. Without him nothing will ever happen.
Sometimes things just aren't fair. I know he loves me as much as I love him. But there is just too much going on right now. I feel like if he had come back into my life at a different point in time in his life then everything would be a lot different. But then again maybe there is a reason he came back now. Maybe he needs me. Maybe I need him.
As much as I am tempted to just pack up and leave (I mean that literally). To move on and not look back. I know I can't. I know I belong here. I know I belong with him. I just wish I could know if there is something to wait for. If there is even a chance that things will work out then I have to try. I have to stick it out. I have to be there for him even if he doesn't know what he wants.
I wish I had some idea of what he feels for me. I know he feels something. But what? Love is love. You can have love but never be able to go past that. But I want to go past that. I want to know that there is more steps to take. Maybe not right away... but it has to be there. Or else I'm just setting myself up to be hurt again.
And I can't handle that. I love him too much. I need to stay. I need to get my life back so that I can have a life with someone else. Someone I love more then I have ever loved in my life. Someone I feel understands me in a way no one else ever has.
I know what I want and need for myself. I'm tired of dead end jobs that last a few months or a year and then fizzle out to the point I feel so rundown that I just have to move on or I feel like I'll go crazy. I want to do something I love. I want to do something I will enjoy. And most of all I really want to do something that will make a difference in at least one persons life.
I'm tired of living just in the here and now. Of not looking too far past tomorrow. I want to be able to see myself a year down the road. Three years down the road. 10 years down the road. I want to work towards buying a house. By myself or with someone else. To getting a car I really like. To getting married and having a kid or 2 a few years down the road. I thought by now I'd have all that.
I found the person I want that with. And I lost him. And then he found me again. Same guy. Different circumstances. I figured the second time around would go smoother. I figured if he loves me as much as he said he did that it would be easy. Or at least not seriously complicated. Man, was I ever wrong. Instead it is more confusing and more stressful than I would ever have imagined.
But the thing is no matter what I do. No matter how much I try and talk myself into just moving on. I can't. I know there is something there. I know it can be developed. I know it can be all I've ever dreamed of. I just don't know how to get there. I know I need him obviously. Without him nothing will ever happen.
Sometimes things just aren't fair. I know he loves me as much as I love him. But there is just too much going on right now. I feel like if he had come back into my life at a different point in time in his life then everything would be a lot different. But then again maybe there is a reason he came back now. Maybe he needs me. Maybe I need him.
As much as I am tempted to just pack up and leave (I mean that literally). To move on and not look back. I know I can't. I know I belong here. I know I belong with him. I just wish I could know if there is something to wait for. If there is even a chance that things will work out then I have to try. I have to stick it out. I have to be there for him even if he doesn't know what he wants.
I wish I had some idea of what he feels for me. I know he feels something. But what? Love is love. You can have love but never be able to go past that. But I want to go past that. I want to know that there is more steps to take. Maybe not right away... but it has to be there. Or else I'm just setting myself up to be hurt again.
And I can't handle that. I love him too much. I need to stay. I need to get my life back so that I can have a life with someone else. Someone I love more then I have ever loved in my life. Someone I feel understands me in a way no one else ever has.