you've got to push all the doubt to the side of your mouth
So after I made that last post I cleaned up and drank some tea and made some toast and watched way too much of a hilariously terrible Nicolas Cage movie on TBS (all of which felt like monumental accomplishments, let me tell you) and had a thought, which was: I only ever feel comfortable genuinely being kind to myself, and not guilty or second guessing or "Oh, you. Suck it up!", when I have reached absolute zero.
Like, everyday basic sanity maintenance is not okay, but sure, once you're a snot rag lying on the floor maybe you're allowed to take a shower and go to bed early without feeling like you're wasting precious minutes that you could be trying to POWER THROUGH. Ugh, I just...that isn't how illness works, Meredith, mental or physical, and you need to stop it with that even though maybe you can't because of years of internalized bullshit from your family/the media/everything in the basic construction of society? FUN TIMES FOR FUN PEOPLE. I hate the psychiatrist, well go see one anyway, etc.
Whatever about that, I am making this post because I have an ANNOUNCEMENT!! Which isn't as exciting as it might once have been because a) after the initial awful scariness of making the decision and telling my parents and talking about it in real life has passed, it finally feels concrete and so has become more of a series of mundane stressful details than an exciting thing b) a whole bunch of you already know!
Remember how I'm moving and stuff because living here is the worst?
Yuuuup. I don't know where I'm going to live! I'm still unemployed! I'm going by myself! I don't have enough money to last an entire year! I have no idea what's going to happen! Most likely it will be bizarre and scary and hard, but so is every change, and no matter what it can't be any worse than right now, or the past four years, you know? The more I've thought about it, the more sense it makes - I knew it was where I wanted to go for a long time, but I always thought I would have to wait for some reason that was stupid. But, you know, I don't. It's time for me to decide what I actually want to do with my own life. REVOLUTIONARY IDEA, I KNOW. It certainly feels that way!
IF YOU CAN HELP OUT IN ANY WAY WITH THIS PLAN, I WOULD APPRECIATE IT VERY SINCERELY. Do you know someone who is clean and nice and quiet and wants a roommate? (Definitely gonna have to have a roommate because I can't afford not to, have gone through the mourning process and essentially accepted this.) Do you know people who are hiring for basically any job in the known universe? Do you have a good temp agency to recommend? Would you like to buy a bunch of books and old clothes? Do you live in that giant clocktower in Brooklyn and have been looking for an heir?
Anyway. That's what's up! I will try to reply to comments tonight. For now I am probably going to reblog a million pretty Doctor Who screencaps on tumblr and try very hard not to think too much about anything. I won't even look at craigslist again today. (That's a lie, of course I will.)
Like, everyday basic sanity maintenance is not okay, but sure, once you're a snot rag lying on the floor maybe you're allowed to take a shower and go to bed early without feeling like you're wasting precious minutes that you could be trying to POWER THROUGH. Ugh, I just...that isn't how illness works, Meredith, mental or physical, and you need to stop it with that even though maybe you can't because of years of internalized bullshit from your family/the media/everything in the basic construction of society? FUN TIMES FOR FUN PEOPLE. I hate the psychiatrist, well go see one anyway, etc.
Whatever about that, I am making this post because I have an ANNOUNCEMENT!! Which isn't as exciting as it might once have been because a) after the initial awful scariness of making the decision and telling my parents and talking about it in real life has passed, it finally feels concrete and so has become more of a series of mundane stressful details than an exciting thing b) a whole bunch of you already know!
Remember how I'm moving and stuff because living here is the worst?
Yuuuup. I don't know where I'm going to live! I'm still unemployed! I'm going by myself! I don't have enough money to last an entire year! I have no idea what's going to happen! Most likely it will be bizarre and scary and hard, but so is every change, and no matter what it can't be any worse than right now, or the past four years, you know? The more I've thought about it, the more sense it makes - I knew it was where I wanted to go for a long time, but I always thought I would have to wait for some reason that was stupid. But, you know, I don't. It's time for me to decide what I actually want to do with my own life. REVOLUTIONARY IDEA, I KNOW. It certainly feels that way!
IF YOU CAN HELP OUT IN ANY WAY WITH THIS PLAN, I WOULD APPRECIATE IT VERY SINCERELY. Do you know someone who is clean and nice and quiet and wants a roommate? (Definitely gonna have to have a roommate because I can't afford not to, have gone through the mourning process and essentially accepted this.) Do you know people who are hiring for basically any job in the known universe? Do you have a good temp agency to recommend? Would you like to buy a bunch of books and old clothes? Do you live in that giant clocktower in Brooklyn and have been looking for an heir?
Anyway. That's what's up! I will try to reply to comments tonight. For now I am probably going to reblog a million pretty Doctor Who screencaps on tumblr and try very hard not to think too much about anything. I won't even look at craigslist again today. (That's a lie, of course I will.)