The Asshole in the Backroom
Assholes just like to stay in your head forever, don't they? It's like they sit there in the backroom of your mind. (Mind palace? I think mine should be called mind modular-housing because it's always being developed and getting additions, but maybe a mind trailer or even mind houseboat would be sufficient as well because I'm always moving around...fuck it, who cares. Mind palace it is.) Asshole in the backroom. They're not really there, you know for sure, but you still feel their shadow back there. You feel them watching your every move and you hear what they think about everything.
One of the last things he said to me irl was that I will be nothing without him, if I lose him I will simply regress to old destructive patterns because he "saves" me from myself. That I "need" him to always be there for me, or I won't know what will become of me. I realized during that exchange how much of a controlling, manipulative bastard he's been the whole two years we were together. I remember I couldn't believe that I never saw it before, ignored so many red flags, it all became so clear at that moment that I don't deserve to be belittled and controlled anymore for another person's interests. And for what! So he can go fuck another girl who's apparently "everything you're not" which translates to "has a higher social status than you so I can ride her coattails and become cooler by association." Ha. The world really is a giant high school, and everybody always ends up a trope.
And yet somehow, without his help, I've managed to get back into college, I've managed to receive enough financial grants to cover it 100% (no loans!) AND graduate. Heck, I even managed to receive all A's, got offered to join the Honors Program (which of course, I did), join Phi Theta Kappa which is the international honor society for 2-year colleges, and had my name called at the convocation with a nice little certificate that I am an honored graduate. Not too shabby.
But that's not all. I applied to eleven universities so that I can finish my bachelor's. You know how many I was accepted to? Eleven. And yes, this includes some of the high-ranking universities in Chicago (Loyola, DePaul, UIC to name a few). I'm not going to any of those as of right now simply because of expense and distance from home being that I will be a commuter. But there is always grad school (which is my goal right now). And I've definitely got some generous financial aid packages thanks to my academic achievements.
Gosh. It's like I really fell into the gutter when I lost him, huh? But that's just it. He's still back there, his shadow. A lot of the hard work I've been putting into this seems to be fueled by proving his dumbass statements wrong. Perhaps it's the right kind of motivation, but also what if it's unhealthy for me? Ideally, I don't want to give any ounce of shit what he thinks.
But...I wonder if he thinks of me, ever. There's no way for me to know really. Since high-social-status girl was there for him immediately after our fight to pat his head and stroke his damaged ego (among other things), I'm sure he got a better chance than I did to move on faster and is likely continuing the same patterns that led to our destruction. (Assuming they haven't destructed yet, either).
Honestly, though, it's been over a year now since that fight. I've been harboring a lot of these thoughts and feelings due to an unfounded, and frankly irrational, paranoia of the asshole in the backroom. I need to stop harboring now. Making me nuts.
Anyways, if anybody is reading this, thanks for doing so, really. I'm not normally big on boasting but I feel I had very good reason to do it now. So.
One of the last things he said to me irl was that I will be nothing without him, if I lose him I will simply regress to old destructive patterns because he "saves" me from myself. That I "need" him to always be there for me, or I won't know what will become of me. I realized during that exchange how much of a controlling, manipulative bastard he's been the whole two years we were together. I remember I couldn't believe that I never saw it before, ignored so many red flags, it all became so clear at that moment that I don't deserve to be belittled and controlled anymore for another person's interests. And for what! So he can go fuck another girl who's apparently "everything you're not" which translates to "has a higher social status than you so I can ride her coattails and become cooler by association." Ha. The world really is a giant high school, and everybody always ends up a trope.
And yet somehow, without his help, I've managed to get back into college, I've managed to receive enough financial grants to cover it 100% (no loans!) AND graduate. Heck, I even managed to receive all A's, got offered to join the Honors Program (which of course, I did), join Phi Theta Kappa which is the international honor society for 2-year colleges, and had my name called at the convocation with a nice little certificate that I am an honored graduate. Not too shabby.
But that's not all. I applied to eleven universities so that I can finish my bachelor's. You know how many I was accepted to? Eleven. And yes, this includes some of the high-ranking universities in Chicago (Loyola, DePaul, UIC to name a few). I'm not going to any of those as of right now simply because of expense and distance from home being that I will be a commuter. But there is always grad school (which is my goal right now). And I've definitely got some generous financial aid packages thanks to my academic achievements.
Gosh. It's like I really fell into the gutter when I lost him, huh? But that's just it. He's still back there, his shadow. A lot of the hard work I've been putting into this seems to be fueled by proving his dumbass statements wrong. Perhaps it's the right kind of motivation, but also what if it's unhealthy for me? Ideally, I don't want to give any ounce of shit what he thinks.
But...I wonder if he thinks of me, ever. There's no way for me to know really. Since high-social-status girl was there for him immediately after our fight to pat his head and stroke his damaged ego (among other things), I'm sure he got a better chance than I did to move on faster and is likely continuing the same patterns that led to our destruction. (Assuming they haven't destructed yet, either).
Honestly, though, it's been over a year now since that fight. I've been harboring a lot of these thoughts and feelings due to an unfounded, and frankly irrational, paranoia of the asshole in the backroom. I need to stop harboring now. Making me nuts.
Anyways, if anybody is reading this, thanks for doing so, really. I'm not normally big on boasting but I feel I had very good reason to do it now. So.