No Want to Go Bed
(Continuation of this in case you don't read my regular blog.)
Sigh. I guess technically it's only 12:11 am right now. I don't really have to go to bed right now, but what am I going to do if I don't? I can't stop thinking about something and it's driving me nuts. I'm trying to read my Henry James novel and none of the words are sinking in. I don't have any desire to read things online and very little desire to talk to anyone on icq/msn/aim (no desire to catch up on my email either, which I so desperately need to do). I've already watched more than enough TV tonight and I don't feel like working on the paper. Actually, I know what I want to do... I want to hold someone's hand. I want to feel a mental connection with someone. (I'm asking a lot to spontaneously happen in the middle of the night, I know.) It's just that it's been too long since I had those "first hand holding" sparks go off inside me, and much, much too long since I felt someone understood and accepted me.
(Did you know that in second year I had a guy basically ask me to "be his girlfriend" because a) he wanted a girlfriend, b) he liked the size of my boobs and c) he thought I'd be strong enough not to let him have sex with me? Oh my god.)
There are three unmarried women in my life so far: my physics teacher, my mom's boss, and my aunt. I wonder if they ever get lonely or if I'll eventually just get used to this feeling -- feeling like a leper of sorts. The thing is, they are all wonderful women. I wonder if they actually chose not to get married or if the situation chose them instead? If the latter, were they too ugly, too demanding, or too something else?
It's probably not too wise to air every insecurity I have out here like this. I need to learn to be more private. I need to only show people the most confident, impressive me. But then part of me asks, "Why should I hide this? This is me."
I'm torn.
I've been torn a lot lately. I'd be surprised if there's anything left in me that's still whole.
Back to the "weird people" thing, I look at the boys I consider weird, and they still have girlfriends! The weird girls have boyfriends! Everyone is happy being weird together. I see boarders/punks walk by -- the girls aren't particularly skinny or hot, they don't spend hours in front of the mirror trying to cover up their inadequacies... but the boys like them anyway. Clearly I am in the wrong "group" of people. I must learn not to be attracted to preppy boys who like their girls to be equally polished. I'm just not the type.
Sigh. I guess technically it's only 12:11 am right now. I don't really have to go to bed right now, but what am I going to do if I don't? I can't stop thinking about something and it's driving me nuts. I'm trying to read my Henry James novel and none of the words are sinking in. I don't have any desire to read things online and very little desire to talk to anyone on icq/msn/aim (no desire to catch up on my email either, which I so desperately need to do). I've already watched more than enough TV tonight and I don't feel like working on the paper. Actually, I know what I want to do... I want to hold someone's hand. I want to feel a mental connection with someone. (I'm asking a lot to spontaneously happen in the middle of the night, I know.) It's just that it's been too long since I had those "first hand holding" sparks go off inside me, and much, much too long since I felt someone understood and accepted me.
(Did you know that in second year I had a guy basically ask me to "be his girlfriend" because a) he wanted a girlfriend, b) he liked the size of my boobs and c) he thought I'd be strong enough not to let him have sex with me? Oh my god.)
There are three unmarried women in my life so far: my physics teacher, my mom's boss, and my aunt. I wonder if they ever get lonely or if I'll eventually just get used to this feeling -- feeling like a leper of sorts. The thing is, they are all wonderful women. I wonder if they actually chose not to get married or if the situation chose them instead? If the latter, were they too ugly, too demanding, or too something else?
It's probably not too wise to air every insecurity I have out here like this. I need to learn to be more private. I need to only show people the most confident, impressive me. But then part of me asks, "Why should I hide this? This is me."
I'm torn.
I've been torn a lot lately. I'd be surprised if there's anything left in me that's still whole.
Back to the "weird people" thing, I look at the boys I consider weird, and they still have girlfriends! The weird girls have boyfriends! Everyone is happy being weird together. I see boarders/punks walk by -- the girls aren't particularly skinny or hot, they don't spend hours in front of the mirror trying to cover up their inadequacies... but the boys like them anyway. Clearly I am in the wrong "group" of people. I must learn not to be attracted to preppy boys who like their girls to be equally polished. I'm just not the type.