(no subject)
I'm feeling undeniably reflective right now. I should be feeling the urge to get up and get dressed for dinner, but...I'm not.
I feel older than I am a lot of the time. Underneath the veneer of a 23 year old, I feel aged. Sometimes I let the young adult run rampant...after which I look back, surprised and annoyed at my behavior. Not like I'm out of control, mind you, but it makes me feel flighty when I get back to my roots.
I naturally hold on to grudges. I'm really really good at it, and I think that bearing down like I do makes me feel stronger and more powerful. But when I'm alone, like I am now, I think back on situations and re-evaluate. Should I contact that friend that was lost due to misunderstandings? Or would it be weak of me to give in to a cause that I feel is just? In the end, doing nothing is easier.
I really do think that everything happens for a reason, and that the very awful stuff shapes who we are. I'm not saying that I'm an unfortunate soul...I am SO very blessed (even if I don't believe in God) and I am a very lucky individual. But I'm no stranger to rejection. I see now that I'm a more grounded person, a more humble person for it.
I'm not a teenager anymore but I feel like I'm still on the fringes of it, surrounded by youth that is impetuous and obnoxious and loud. I see it as behavior that buries insecurity, and it's a very invisible cloak. I think that the rejection that I've gone through in life has plastered my insecurities on the outside of me...I can joke about them and be alright with it. Those insecurities just don't matter that much to me anymore. I know I'm a well-balanced person who is going about life the way that she wants to.
I guess my last relationship really made me see that. I was accused of being controlling. It took a lot out of me when the finger was first pointed, but now? I've looked back, a lot, and realized that I would have done everything the same way again. I wanted to see him a lot, but after surveying other couples, I found that I was correct - he and I didn't see each other enough. And I got pushy about one subject, the election. Had I known another way to approach the subject, had we sat down and had an intellectual discussion about it - his feelings versus mine, I would have known how to proceed differently. But that didn't happen. And this isn't me shirking responsibility...I've definitely done that in the past. This is me seeing with open eyes. I've tried to crucify myself for the downfall, but people who are definitely impartial boosted my esteem and called me crazy. It's funny when being called crazy makes you feel sane.
And what's even more hysterical is that after all of that...I realized that what I had with him really did pale in comparison to a connection that I had with someone else. A connection that I've worked very hard on to push out of my head. The details are coming back into focus, and...that's what I want. Granted, the religious persecution and the objectifying could have been done away with, but there was a magnetism that I'm so glad that I fought for at the time. If I hadn't, I'd be sitting here wondering "what if", and that was my goal at the time. I really didn't want to look back and say that I didn't do my damnedest for it.
So, that's where I am right now. Alone, but loved, and with a cavalcade of friends that I'm so grateful for right now. I'm secure in who I am and what I do, and I feel fairly attractive, so...yay.
God, I'm verbose when I'm contemplative.
I feel older than I am a lot of the time. Underneath the veneer of a 23 year old, I feel aged. Sometimes I let the young adult run rampant...after which I look back, surprised and annoyed at my behavior. Not like I'm out of control, mind you, but it makes me feel flighty when I get back to my roots.
I naturally hold on to grudges. I'm really really good at it, and I think that bearing down like I do makes me feel stronger and more powerful. But when I'm alone, like I am now, I think back on situations and re-evaluate. Should I contact that friend that was lost due to misunderstandings? Or would it be weak of me to give in to a cause that I feel is just? In the end, doing nothing is easier.
I really do think that everything happens for a reason, and that the very awful stuff shapes who we are. I'm not saying that I'm an unfortunate soul...I am SO very blessed (even if I don't believe in God) and I am a very lucky individual. But I'm no stranger to rejection. I see now that I'm a more grounded person, a more humble person for it.
I'm not a teenager anymore but I feel like I'm still on the fringes of it, surrounded by youth that is impetuous and obnoxious and loud. I see it as behavior that buries insecurity, and it's a very invisible cloak. I think that the rejection that I've gone through in life has plastered my insecurities on the outside of me...I can joke about them and be alright with it. Those insecurities just don't matter that much to me anymore. I know I'm a well-balanced person who is going about life the way that she wants to.
I guess my last relationship really made me see that. I was accused of being controlling. It took a lot out of me when the finger was first pointed, but now? I've looked back, a lot, and realized that I would have done everything the same way again. I wanted to see him a lot, but after surveying other couples, I found that I was correct - he and I didn't see each other enough. And I got pushy about one subject, the election. Had I known another way to approach the subject, had we sat down and had an intellectual discussion about it - his feelings versus mine, I would have known how to proceed differently. But that didn't happen. And this isn't me shirking responsibility...I've definitely done that in the past. This is me seeing with open eyes. I've tried to crucify myself for the downfall, but people who are definitely impartial boosted my esteem and called me crazy. It's funny when being called crazy makes you feel sane.
And what's even more hysterical is that after all of that...I realized that what I had with him really did pale in comparison to a connection that I had with someone else. A connection that I've worked very hard on to push out of my head. The details are coming back into focus, and...that's what I want. Granted, the religious persecution and the objectifying could have been done away with, but there was a magnetism that I'm so glad that I fought for at the time. If I hadn't, I'd be sitting here wondering "what if", and that was my goal at the time. I really didn't want to look back and say that I didn't do my damnedest for it.
So, that's where I am right now. Alone, but loved, and with a cavalcade of friends that I'm so grateful for right now. I'm secure in who I am and what I do, and I feel fairly attractive, so...yay.
God, I'm verbose when I'm contemplative.