(no subject)
Today was my first day off in what felt like so long. I drove Britt & Meghan to Point Pleasant and the conditions/company for a beach day were absolutely superior. I sunburned my legs and tanned the whole rest of me, meaning that this summer (and the quest for damaged skin and sunbleached hair) is finally, really here.
I miss Jon & Ian. I don't miss anything else about SU, not even a little bit. This, my home, Staten Island, is where I grow up and think deeply and feel like things matter. Always has been. Pennsylvania is some sort of alternate universe where all the rules are different and I become a changeling to adapt.
After the trainwreck that was spring semester I've become more committed to holding higher standards for myself. Inside of my conscience the goals I'm striving for have existed for years, but I don't think I had the courage to try to access and believe in them. I know now what it is like to fail, and it's not as scary or embarrassing as I'd feared but I'd rather not have to know it all the time. Lately I'm into wanting things again but what's more than that, I'm into doing something about what I want, which is a fairly new strategy. Budgets, diets, schedules and commitments were the bane of my existence without any solid logic behind my hatred for structure. I am striving to be someone that can stick to things, a person that can do what they say they will do. A person to trust. A spent a semester running from growing up the hard way -- but the evasion of something so inevitable was more painful than succumbing to the chase, I'm finding more and more with every day that I am able to wake up at 9 in the morning, able to work a full day at a difficult job where nobody is nice, able to answer my phone and speak with people that need me, able to put money in the bank and pay my bills, able to avoid making my life more complicated than it needs to be.
This is not to say that moderation has been easy to maintain. Like everything in my life, I tend to overcompensate when I find something that is working. I've got marriage fever like it's a plague, and everytime I see a baby boy I almost fall over. I work at a place that caters weddings and younger, upper class families love to come in and enjoy the gardens, so I'm sure that isn't helping. Seeing Lauren & Jay at their apartment last week gave me a reality check that was both challenging and encouraging. Before this time in my life I always knew that marriage was something I wanted, but it felt so out of reach and ridiculous to spend much time fawning over, even when I was with various boyfriends I really enjoyed. I now see marriage as more than something I want, I see it as a conclusion I'm working towards that will happen once I close those whole "maturation" period thing, once God decides I'm ready, once I find the right person. It is so ironic that right now, when I am single and very much independent, that this sort of realization is coming on so strongly, but in honesty I suppose it makes sense.
Tempra is taking longer than I'd like to get off the ground and I don't know what to do. Leslie was my graphic designer and I still want him to be, but that's a sticky situation. He is better than anyone else at understanding what I want it to look like and his talent is outstanding and I know he will do it for free, but I feel like I'm taking advantage. None of that matters without submissions though, which haven't exactly been pouring in. I have to find a new way to solicit talented people that works better than Myspace.
Things to look forward to are so many! : This weekend at Jon Sigler's house/Ian's apartment with Kait (remind me to make CDs for the drive, Katie); Jordan Holtane's visit in a few weeks; having the house to myself for a week in July (parties!); a vacation to the Gulf of Mexico with Darryl & Jo (already booked!) in early August; Jon & my birthday bash wherever it ends up taking place because I'm sure it will be in good company; and oh gosh so much else. What a wonderful few months I believe it's going to be.
I miss Jon & Ian. I don't miss anything else about SU, not even a little bit. This, my home, Staten Island, is where I grow up and think deeply and feel like things matter. Always has been. Pennsylvania is some sort of alternate universe where all the rules are different and I become a changeling to adapt.
After the trainwreck that was spring semester I've become more committed to holding higher standards for myself. Inside of my conscience the goals I'm striving for have existed for years, but I don't think I had the courage to try to access and believe in them. I know now what it is like to fail, and it's not as scary or embarrassing as I'd feared but I'd rather not have to know it all the time. Lately I'm into wanting things again but what's more than that, I'm into doing something about what I want, which is a fairly new strategy. Budgets, diets, schedules and commitments were the bane of my existence without any solid logic behind my hatred for structure. I am striving to be someone that can stick to things, a person that can do what they say they will do. A person to trust. A spent a semester running from growing up the hard way -- but the evasion of something so inevitable was more painful than succumbing to the chase, I'm finding more and more with every day that I am able to wake up at 9 in the morning, able to work a full day at a difficult job where nobody is nice, able to answer my phone and speak with people that need me, able to put money in the bank and pay my bills, able to avoid making my life more complicated than it needs to be.
This is not to say that moderation has been easy to maintain. Like everything in my life, I tend to overcompensate when I find something that is working. I've got marriage fever like it's a plague, and everytime I see a baby boy I almost fall over. I work at a place that caters weddings and younger, upper class families love to come in and enjoy the gardens, so I'm sure that isn't helping. Seeing Lauren & Jay at their apartment last week gave me a reality check that was both challenging and encouraging. Before this time in my life I always knew that marriage was something I wanted, but it felt so out of reach and ridiculous to spend much time fawning over, even when I was with various boyfriends I really enjoyed. I now see marriage as more than something I want, I see it as a conclusion I'm working towards that will happen once I close those whole "maturation" period thing, once God decides I'm ready, once I find the right person. It is so ironic that right now, when I am single and very much independent, that this sort of realization is coming on so strongly, but in honesty I suppose it makes sense.
Tempra is taking longer than I'd like to get off the ground and I don't know what to do. Leslie was my graphic designer and I still want him to be, but that's a sticky situation. He is better than anyone else at understanding what I want it to look like and his talent is outstanding and I know he will do it for free, but I feel like I'm taking advantage. None of that matters without submissions though, which haven't exactly been pouring in. I have to find a new way to solicit talented people that works better than Myspace.
Things to look forward to are so many! : This weekend at Jon Sigler's house/Ian's apartment with Kait (remind me to make CDs for the drive, Katie); Jordan Holtane's visit in a few weeks; having the house to myself for a week in July (parties!); a vacation to the Gulf of Mexico with Darryl & Jo (already booked!) in early August; Jon & my birthday bash wherever it ends up taking place because I'm sure it will be in good company; and oh gosh so much else. What a wonderful few months I believe it's going to be.