only in my dreams
I dreamed last night, of a boy i used to know. In the dream i rode a train, sustaining an odd injury to my knee, that bled prouselywithout notice to anyone but myself, really. As i hobbled down one of the corridors (and this train had corridors, and was far roomier that usual trains) i passed by a small familiar old jewish woman. I paid no attention to the familiarity, and continued my journey down the corridor to nothingness.
"Young lady...", she said.
I ignored her, as i expected she was talking to someone else- someone less bloody, more attractive, and more able to assist her.
I was wrong.
"ty?" she asked.
I nodded.
She placed both hands on my face, her eyes welling up with tears. She pulled her hands away, the right one now bloody.
(I had, apparantly, sustained a small injury to my forehead that i had no previous knowledge about.)
"You have grown so much in your eyes- theres definitely more life there. Do you remember me dear?"
I shook my head, trying to wipe the blood from my forehead with my sleeve, but remaining unsuccessful as my white dress started to stain.
"You dont remember Nana? Well thats alright dear. Come sit with me in my cart. We'll wait for them to get back together."
At this point, she held my hand in her brown leather ones, and slowly guided me into a private car with a table, three stools, and a loveseat. I opted for the loveseat so i could prop my leg up, which would be less painful.
Nana and sat in silence for a few minutes. I wasnt quite sure where i knew her from, but i loved her. She felt like family.
"You waltzed into my life dear- yes waltzed, for you always dance- a few years ago. Tanci loved you immediately. Joe says he did as well- something about looking forward to the end of the day, and seeing your locker. Well never mind that... do you remember Tanci? Surely you must remember Joe."
my heart sank. My eyes fell.
Joe was at the top of my regret list... not for having done anything, but because I never actually did anything. Out of fear, or just sheer insanity, I remaind cold- clinging to the lie my heart told me about a boy back home. He was nothing compared to Joe, but back then, I didnt realize.
A tear rolled down my cheeck. Nana got her answer. I nodded and smiled, remembering my first meeting with Nana. Brought home for dinner- "just as friends!", Nana had asked about my religion, and decided that Joe and I marrying would indeed be a bad idea, as our children would grow up quite confused.
"He loves you though- you do know that?" she whispered to me as she picked up a pretend spoon on the floor.
Two days before I left, she confided in me her wish to have three beautiful Christian great-grandkids with a wink.
"Now dear, dont cry. We all have our saddest memories. I assure you mine are far worse than you can imagine- but i still love life, and rarely shed tears.
I looked into her face- She was beautiful once- looked just like Tanci. The years had been good to her.
"I wrote him a letter once." My first words of the day startled her. She had become used to me not talking in that little train car, that my voice became unrecognizable from anyone elses. She used to say my voice was that of Angels. But then she smiled.
"Angels, ty. Angels."
I continued," I got no response, and figured he hated me."
"Did you tell him how you really felt in it?"
"I told him I was sorry."
"Did you tell him you loved him?"
there was silence again. Id never thought about loving Joe really- not like one adult loves another, which ends up in marriage.
"I dont love him." i said, a tear running down my cheek again, this time mixed with blood. I used my sleeve to wipe more away. The dress was ruined.
silence again.
Footsteps were outside the car door, and a knock came. Nana gestured for me to stay quiet and stay put. I did as i was told. She opened the car door, and in entered Joe and Tanci. My heart flipped. He had grown too. Hair a little longer, build a little stronger- still with his peacoat and scarf. Was it really that cold? I hadnt noticed. I closed my eyes, trying to take in his smell- it reminded me of winter formal, and how we danced every dance regardless of how tired we were. I dont remeber how long my eyes were closed. Minutes, Im sure. I listened.
"Was the food expensive?" Nana asked. Tanci said something about 5 dollar burritos and Joe just laughed. They hadnt noticed yet.
"How long until we get there?"
"We still have a few hundred stops Joe. Be patient. We'll get there."
cough.
"Nana are you alright?"
"Im fine. Ive brought you a gift."
silence.
"What do you mean?"
"We have a guest."
silence.
I kept my eyes closed. I did not want to see the heartache in his eyes. I did not want to see love in Tancis.
He thought i was sleeping.
"Who is that?" Joe whispered to his Nana.
"Isnt she pretty?" Nana asked Joe.
I didnt understand what was happening. Did he fail to recognize me? I hadnt changed that much.... or had I?
I realized a jurastic change in my appearance since last seeing Joe. My short red hair was now to my waist- brown and blonde.
"Shes very pretty" Tanci answered for her son.
"Shes hurt.." Joe said.
footsteps.
His hands were on my face- examining the cut above my left eyebrow.
I opened my eyes- watching him care for me. I dont know how long they were open before he noticed. He hadnt looked directly into them.
"Im sorry miss- youre bleeding, and i was seeing if there is anything i can do to help."
I kept my eyes averted while he dressed my forehead wound.
"How did this happen?"
I couldnt answer him. My voice was a dead giveaway. Besides, i didnt really know.
"No matter. Lets just help her."
"Alright Nana"
And Tanci left the car to fetch supplies.
Nana followed her.
We were alone.
He cleaned up my forehead. Whispered "there you go"
He turned, and started walking towards the table.
"thank you." I said, forgetting my silence.
He stopped dead. Turned, and hurried towards me.
I looked down.
"please look at me." He whispered close to me, pulling my hair aside to reveal the rest of my face.
I feared the heartache. I feared the hurt in his eyes. I never wanted to cause him pain.
And I looked into his eyes, tears streaming out of mine.
He was frozen. His eyes teared. His mouth twitched.
Was he angry? Was he hurt?
I knew he knew.
"How did you find us?" He asked
"Nana found me."
He smiled.
"You look beautiful, you know."
I laughed nervously, observing my blood stained dress, and tear stained cheeks. He lifted up my leg that rested on the other half of the loveseat, and sat, letting my leg lay accross his lap.
Silence.
"Why did you leave?"
"I wrote you a letter."
Silence.
"I got it."
This hurt me.
"You didnt feel the need to write me back? Do i deserve to be left without answers?"
Silence.
"I must have written you a million letters, ty. I couldnt send any of them. None were right." I pouted.
" 'Hi. Hope things are good. Bye' would have been fine, Joe."
"Did you know youre beautiful when youre angry?"
Silence.
I turned to him, "I didnt know you loved me."
"How do you know now?" His eyes still focused on the table ahead of us.
"Nana." He turned and smiled at me.
"I didnt know you would leave me."
"Joe it wasnt a matter of leaving you. My time was up. I had to go home."
"If you loved me, you would have stayed."
Silence.
I slipped my hand into his.
"What now, Joe?"
" We wait for Nana. She knows everything."
And he kissed me on the cheek.
To be continued. ©mercytobel