The Snow Angel
I started writing this a few days ago, but wasn't able to finish. So I'll post it now :)
I finally got out of the house today. It seems strange that I chose the first day we get a real snow to try my luck being out and about again, but somehow it seemed fitting. Growing up, there was always a buzz in the air upon seeing the first snow, like there was a snow angel that lay dormant all year long only to burst into glory with first snowflake, giving us all a buzz of energy that climaxes Christmas morning, gathers itself for a final hurrah come New Years, then lulls itself back to sleep until next winter. It stirred in us a longing for hot chocolate, pumpkin bars, and countless repetitions of "You'll shoot your eye out!" and "I triple dog dare you!" Our family came together for holidays like no time else in the year. The snow angel was magic.
And she appeared again this year, but in a different way. Things are different this year: both my sisters are away to college, and my parents seem to have relaxed about my life choices a bit (it helps when there's an adorable baby to distract them), and I have a little person who occupies almost all of my time from sun up to sun down and beyond. For the first time I find myself longing for a permanent home. So different than last year, when all I could think about where the hell I was going to sleep next month and trying desperately to save a dying relationship from drugs. Last year, the angel came as a double edged sword, taking the man I loved and giving me a child.
This year, she came as a motivator, a reminder that time passes all too quickly. It seems like just a moment has passed since l stood out in the snow with my baby's father last Christmas, sharing a private smile. It seems like just yesterday I brought my son home from the hospital; he's almost 6 weeks now! I see the stack of writing I've yet to edit, the chapters I've yet to plot, the blog ideas I've yet to explore... Where did the time go? How can I get to the end of each day and have more to do than when I started?
I asked myself this, driving through the flurries. The thought was driven home by the trash bag full of winter clothes that last year's romance had left in my possession. Why did I keep them so long? I suppose because I've been unable to drop them off for months, first with bed rest and then caring for a newborn . Seeing the snow, I realized it was time. I was nervous about going... I broke his heart as well as promises. But I pulled up to the county jail feeling better than I had in a long time. Regardless of how things ended, they did. And the only good I was doing by hanging onto last year's clothes was keeping my foot in a door that was already shut. It was the final lesson on a long hard road.
On the way back, I felt almost giddy. I was going home to my baby boy, and my new life that is just starting. Even if I only accomplish one little task a day, I'm still moving forward. I felt like me again; the old me who knew what she wanted out of life. The still falling snow assured me Christmas cookies and peppermint hot chocolate would be waiting for me when I arrived home. After all, who needs to wait until December when snow comes in the fall?
I finally got out of the house today. It seems strange that I chose the first day we get a real snow to try my luck being out and about again, but somehow it seemed fitting. Growing up, there was always a buzz in the air upon seeing the first snow, like there was a snow angel that lay dormant all year long only to burst into glory with first snowflake, giving us all a buzz of energy that climaxes Christmas morning, gathers itself for a final hurrah come New Years, then lulls itself back to sleep until next winter. It stirred in us a longing for hot chocolate, pumpkin bars, and countless repetitions of "You'll shoot your eye out!" and "I triple dog dare you!" Our family came together for holidays like no time else in the year. The snow angel was magic.
And she appeared again this year, but in a different way. Things are different this year: both my sisters are away to college, and my parents seem to have relaxed about my life choices a bit (it helps when there's an adorable baby to distract them), and I have a little person who occupies almost all of my time from sun up to sun down and beyond. For the first time I find myself longing for a permanent home. So different than last year, when all I could think about where the hell I was going to sleep next month and trying desperately to save a dying relationship from drugs. Last year, the angel came as a double edged sword, taking the man I loved and giving me a child.
This year, she came as a motivator, a reminder that time passes all too quickly. It seems like just a moment has passed since l stood out in the snow with my baby's father last Christmas, sharing a private smile. It seems like just yesterday I brought my son home from the hospital; he's almost 6 weeks now! I see the stack of writing I've yet to edit, the chapters I've yet to plot, the blog ideas I've yet to explore... Where did the time go? How can I get to the end of each day and have more to do than when I started?
I asked myself this, driving through the flurries. The thought was driven home by the trash bag full of winter clothes that last year's romance had left in my possession. Why did I keep them so long? I suppose because I've been unable to drop them off for months, first with bed rest and then caring for a newborn . Seeing the snow, I realized it was time. I was nervous about going... I broke his heart as well as promises. But I pulled up to the county jail feeling better than I had in a long time. Regardless of how things ended, they did. And the only good I was doing by hanging onto last year's clothes was keeping my foot in a door that was already shut. It was the final lesson on a long hard road.
On the way back, I felt almost giddy. I was going home to my baby boy, and my new life that is just starting. Even if I only accomplish one little task a day, I'm still moving forward. I felt like me again; the old me who knew what she wanted out of life. The still falling snow assured me Christmas cookies and peppermint hot chocolate would be waiting for me when I arrived home. After all, who needs to wait until December when snow comes in the fall?