Who's a victim?
I had a rather disturbing dream the other night. I don't remember very many details or specifics about it, but I remember the feeling. There was no face, no defining characteristic, but he was trying to force himself on me. Typical of dreams, I could not scream. I just kept pushing and struggling. I felt scared, used, and overpowered.
Nothing like this has ever happened to me before, so don't worry, I wasn't having a flashback or anything.
But these feelings have been too familiar to me in the past few months. It's never happened before, but since I've moved to Portland I feel like guys pursue with not the purest of intentions, and they can be pushy and aggressive. The negative experiences are too many to count on one hand, and I've only lived here 6 months.
I grew up and went to college in circles where girls would always talk about wanting a guy to "pursue" them. Because this seemed like what I should want to, I talked about it myself. But it's not what I want. It scares me. I want to be friends and respect a person and have him respect me, and gradually work our way into each other's lives. Too much forwardness makes me resist and turn away.
I don't enjoy "dating." In fact, it's nothing I've ever really done before I moved here. I have always been good friends with someone first, then we decide to pursue a different type of relationship. I guess I thought I would give it a shot and see what it was like. On a second date, he put his hand on my back. This is what I thought: "Why are you touching me? I don't even know you, so why are you touching me?" Strange huh?
There is a man that I care about more than any other right now, but he's selfish. He cares for himself and his own desires, but not mine. He uses me for comfort and conversation and doesn't give thought to how I feel. Not that he does this consciously or means to, but it's true nonetheless. And I let him. Why? I'm not sure because I never have before with anyone else. The others always get kicked to the curb. We're not together now, and probably won't be again, but we still feel attached.
I feel more vulnerable now than I ever have, and I don't like it. My defenses are going back up, and I am remembering not to trust too quickly.
How does one say as innocent as a dove but shrewd as a serpent?
Nothing like this has ever happened to me before, so don't worry, I wasn't having a flashback or anything.
But these feelings have been too familiar to me in the past few months. It's never happened before, but since I've moved to Portland I feel like guys pursue with not the purest of intentions, and they can be pushy and aggressive. The negative experiences are too many to count on one hand, and I've only lived here 6 months.
I grew up and went to college in circles where girls would always talk about wanting a guy to "pursue" them. Because this seemed like what I should want to, I talked about it myself. But it's not what I want. It scares me. I want to be friends and respect a person and have him respect me, and gradually work our way into each other's lives. Too much forwardness makes me resist and turn away.
I don't enjoy "dating." In fact, it's nothing I've ever really done before I moved here. I have always been good friends with someone first, then we decide to pursue a different type of relationship. I guess I thought I would give it a shot and see what it was like. On a second date, he put his hand on my back. This is what I thought: "Why are you touching me? I don't even know you, so why are you touching me?" Strange huh?
There is a man that I care about more than any other right now, but he's selfish. He cares for himself and his own desires, but not mine. He uses me for comfort and conversation and doesn't give thought to how I feel. Not that he does this consciously or means to, but it's true nonetheless. And I let him. Why? I'm not sure because I never have before with anyone else. The others always get kicked to the curb. We're not together now, and probably won't be again, but we still feel attached.
I feel more vulnerable now than I ever have, and I don't like it. My defenses are going back up, and I am remembering not to trust too quickly.
How does one say as innocent as a dove but shrewd as a serpent?