Longing to Belong - Chapter 23
Chapter 23
Birch Creek, May 2003
It had been a very gloomy month, and nothing made Lou feel any better. Since her father and Rachel Dunne had announced they were getting married, she had no reason to be high in spirits. Worse still, she had to pretend she was happy. That fateful day at Rachel’s she had to school her face to show a joy she did not feel and had to swallow her tears and misery. It was a hard thing to do, and she wished she could understand why her father had to marry, but she simply didn’t.
Rachel was a stranger as far as she was concerned, and why her dad would want them to live with her and her obnoxious sons was beyond her comprehension. Yet, her father looked happy, blissful, and Lou felt she couldn’t just burst his bubble. Besides, who was she to pass judgment? For years she had deluded herself into thinking she was as good as a daughter to her papa Teaspoon, but she now understood that there was a difference between what was real and what she was. Her father loved her, she knew as much, but if she voiced her objections to the wedding, he had no reason to hear her out. She was a waif, a foundling, and what right did she have to oppose what he so obviously longed for?
Now that Rachel was his fiancée, she was around almost all the time, and sometimes even her hateful boys. Lou tried to stay away from them, and in truth they weren’t too interested in her either, thankfully. Her life was changing already. There were few moments that she could enjoy with her father alone. Rachel came over almost daily, and most days she even stayed overnight. Lou was now aware what that meant, and she felt embarrassed and disgusted just to imagine what Rachel and her father did in his bedroom. On the days when he had to work evenings, Lou still went to the Cains’, but on a couple of occasions, Aunt Emma had been unable to have her, so she had to stay with Rachel, every second of which she had loathed. On top of it all, Rachel had also been present at her birthday celebration. She and her dad usually went for a meal, and this time Rachel had also been there, spoiling the very special moment.
Just yesterday Teaspoon came announcing that he and Rachel had seen a lovely house and had put an offer on it. Today when he had collected her from school, Rachel was with him, which was not so uncommon these days, and instead of heading for their apartment, they had driven to the house that would likely be their new home soon. Rachel and Teaspoon were all smiles, but Lou was in her usual mood as they pulled over.
An estate agent was waiting for them, and Teaspoon and Rachel greeted her with some odd familiarity. “Miss Park, we’re really sorry to bother you again,;” Teaspoon said, shaking hands with the woman, clad in an elegant burgundy pant suit. “But we wanted to show the house to my little girl.”
“It’s no bother, Mr. Hunter.” The woman glanced at Louise and smiled. “I hope you like the place as much as your parents and brothers did the other day.”
Louise did not react to her words, but her innards were in turmoil. At once, she felt a stab in her heart, triggered by strange feelings of jealousy as she realized that Cody and Jimmy had seen the house before her. Unshed tears stung her eyes as she took in the inaccuracy in the woman’s sentence. Teaspoon was no more her parent than Rachel was, and she had no brothers. She was nobody to the four of them. The link joining her to Teaspoon was her mother, but when he married Rachel, his marriage to her mom would be null, and he would stop being her stepfather. He would have a whole new family: a wife and two stepchildren, and Lou would be nobody… nothing. No wonder they were taking her to see the house last because she was simply a charity case, a Cinderella…
The estate agent walked up the drive leading to the house. In a haze of pain Lou let her body move after her, and she almost let out a cry when Teaspoon wrapped his arm around her slim shoulders as they walked, something which he had done some may times, Lou had never thought much about it. Now the sense was such that she wanted to bury her face on his shirt and cry her eyes out. Until now she had not realize how much she was losing.
At the door the estate agent turned to the couple. “Since you’re already familiar with the layout of the house, why don’t I let you wander on your own and I’ll come back to pick the keys up in, let’s say, half an hour?”
Teaspoon thanked the lady, and Rachel took the keys from her. While Rachel unlocked the door, Louise swept her eyes around with curiosity. On any other occasion, Lou would have been impressed and excited, but her wretchedness dyed everything in very dark hues. It was a stand-alone house, quite a lot larger than Rachel’s, with wide windows on both floors, complete with shutters, dormers, window boxes and a gable roof, and there was an ample expanse of lawn out front. Lou could see the greenery stretching out to the back where she imagines there was a big garden. When they stepped into the house, they came to be in an ample unfurnished space. The empty room was dominated by French windows overlooking the impressive back garden, and generous light came through them. Wooden steps climbed up to the upper floor, encased in a carved banister, and the ceiling was a complex inlaid structure in two different tones in wood.
Lou followed Rachel and Teaspoon as if in a haze, so she barely registered the different other rooms downstairs. She did not even remember afterwards if there was a kitchen. When they were climbing the staircase, Rachel turned halfway towards her. “And now the best part, Louise. Your future bedroom.” She beamed, and Lou forced herself to smile back out of politeness.
Rachel led the way and she opened the first door in the corridor. Teaspoon and Lou followed the woman inside the empty room. An impressive bay widow took central part and rushes of light illuminated the whole space. The bedroom could well be twice as big as hers in the apartment. Almost as if reading her thoughts, Rachel said, “Apart from the master bedroom, this is the biggest and I… we thought that a young lady like you would need her space more than the two disasters I have for sons.”
Lou could hear the kindness in her voice, and even though she was moved by her consideration, she could not help but think that Rachel only felt pity for her. That was the way people treated others who were in dire circumstances. That kindness only hid compassion, and more than every Lou was aware that she was nothing but a pathetic orphan.
“Say something, Lou,” Teaspoon urged. “Don’t you like it?”
Hearing her dear father’s voice and concern was the last straw, and she couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. As she burst out crying, she buried her face in her hands and her weeping increased into racking sobs. Rachel silently beckoned Teaspoon with a tilt of her head to talk to the girl alone, and she walked out, wanting to give father and daughter some privacy.
Teaspoon came closer to Louise and wrapped his arms around her trembling body, and instinctively the girl hugged his chest tightly. “What’s wrong, sweetheart? Teaspoon asked gingerly.
Lou kept weeping this time more calmly, and when the tears gradually receded, she lifted her tear-stained face to him. “Talk to me, Lou. What’s eating you?”
“I… this bedroom is… is great,” she started, trying to cover the real reason for her tears with some distraction. “But… but what about our home?”
“This will be our new home, Lou. We’ll put our apartment under the hammer, and Rachel will do the same with her house. The proceeds will help up pay for this one.”
“But why can’t we stay in the apartment?” she asked through she knew the answer.
“Because there isn’t enough space for us, Rachel, and her boys,” he explained patiently. “You know that when we marry, we’ll all live together, and our apartment is just tiny.”
“And why then do you have to marry her?’ was on the tip of her tongue, but Lou swallowed the words despite herself. She heaved a sigh, and in a small voice she said, “How… how can we sell the place where … where mom last lived? There won’t be anything of her here.” The last sentence was uttered in such a soft tone that Teaspoon had to struggle to hear her.
“Oh Lou!” Teaspoon exclaimed, a lump forming in his throat and his eyes glazed as emotion took over. “Of course there’ll be something of your mom here… in fact the most important thing.” Lou stared at him uncomprehendingly, and Teaspoon smiled sadly as he added, “You.” He exhaled as he carried on, “You are the most valuable thing your mom could have left me. I still think of her every day, and you know why? Because you are so like her, honey, and with every passing day you look more and more like her. A house is just four walls and a roof, but a home, sweetheart, a home is the people who fill up that space, the people who we love, and even in spirit your mother will be with us because we love her.”
“Do… do you still love her?” Lou croaked in surprise.
“I do, and I still miss her.”
“But you now love Rachel,” Lou dared to point out.
“That doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten your mom. I love Rachel, and that’s why I want her to be part of our family, which means we have to make some adjustments.”
“Like this house,” Lou said wryly, but she refrained from mentioning Rachel’s two sons.
“Do you dislike it much, love?”
Lou shook her head. “It’s…. it’s nice, but it’s not our home.” “And Rachel and her two sons aren’t my family.” The thought came unleashed, but she stopped herself from voicing what really worried her. The house did not bother her that much, only the people who would live in it. Still, that was a truth she did not dare to say.
Teaspoon nodded at her words and nodded. “But it will… it will be sometime soon. It will fell like home.”
Lou willed herself to smile, but she very much doubted that what Teaspoon believed in so blindly would ever be true for her.
Birch Creek, May 2003
It had been a very gloomy month, and nothing made Lou feel any better. Since her father and Rachel Dunne had announced they were getting married, she had no reason to be high in spirits. Worse still, she had to pretend she was happy. That fateful day at Rachel’s she had to school her face to show a joy she did not feel and had to swallow her tears and misery. It was a hard thing to do, and she wished she could understand why her father had to marry, but she simply didn’t.
Rachel was a stranger as far as she was concerned, and why her dad would want them to live with her and her obnoxious sons was beyond her comprehension. Yet, her father looked happy, blissful, and Lou felt she couldn’t just burst his bubble. Besides, who was she to pass judgment? For years she had deluded herself into thinking she was as good as a daughter to her papa Teaspoon, but she now understood that there was a difference between what was real and what she was. Her father loved her, she knew as much, but if she voiced her objections to the wedding, he had no reason to hear her out. She was a waif, a foundling, and what right did she have to oppose what he so obviously longed for?
Now that Rachel was his fiancée, she was around almost all the time, and sometimes even her hateful boys. Lou tried to stay away from them, and in truth they weren’t too interested in her either, thankfully. Her life was changing already. There were few moments that she could enjoy with her father alone. Rachel came over almost daily, and most days she even stayed overnight. Lou was now aware what that meant, and she felt embarrassed and disgusted just to imagine what Rachel and her father did in his bedroom. On the days when he had to work evenings, Lou still went to the Cains’, but on a couple of occasions, Aunt Emma had been unable to have her, so she had to stay with Rachel, every second of which she had loathed. On top of it all, Rachel had also been present at her birthday celebration. She and her dad usually went for a meal, and this time Rachel had also been there, spoiling the very special moment.
Just yesterday Teaspoon came announcing that he and Rachel had seen a lovely house and had put an offer on it. Today when he had collected her from school, Rachel was with him, which was not so uncommon these days, and instead of heading for their apartment, they had driven to the house that would likely be their new home soon. Rachel and Teaspoon were all smiles, but Lou was in her usual mood as they pulled over.
An estate agent was waiting for them, and Teaspoon and Rachel greeted her with some odd familiarity. “Miss Park, we’re really sorry to bother you again,;” Teaspoon said, shaking hands with the woman, clad in an elegant burgundy pant suit. “But we wanted to show the house to my little girl.”
“It’s no bother, Mr. Hunter.” The woman glanced at Louise and smiled. “I hope you like the place as much as your parents and brothers did the other day.”
Louise did not react to her words, but her innards were in turmoil. At once, she felt a stab in her heart, triggered by strange feelings of jealousy as she realized that Cody and Jimmy had seen the house before her. Unshed tears stung her eyes as she took in the inaccuracy in the woman’s sentence. Teaspoon was no more her parent than Rachel was, and she had no brothers. She was nobody to the four of them. The link joining her to Teaspoon was her mother, but when he married Rachel, his marriage to her mom would be null, and he would stop being her stepfather. He would have a whole new family: a wife and two stepchildren, and Lou would be nobody… nothing. No wonder they were taking her to see the house last because she was simply a charity case, a Cinderella…
The estate agent walked up the drive leading to the house. In a haze of pain Lou let her body move after her, and she almost let out a cry when Teaspoon wrapped his arm around her slim shoulders as they walked, something which he had done some may times, Lou had never thought much about it. Now the sense was such that she wanted to bury her face on his shirt and cry her eyes out. Until now she had not realize how much she was losing.
At the door the estate agent turned to the couple. “Since you’re already familiar with the layout of the house, why don’t I let you wander on your own and I’ll come back to pick the keys up in, let’s say, half an hour?”
Teaspoon thanked the lady, and Rachel took the keys from her. While Rachel unlocked the door, Louise swept her eyes around with curiosity. On any other occasion, Lou would have been impressed and excited, but her wretchedness dyed everything in very dark hues. It was a stand-alone house, quite a lot larger than Rachel’s, with wide windows on both floors, complete with shutters, dormers, window boxes and a gable roof, and there was an ample expanse of lawn out front. Lou could see the greenery stretching out to the back where she imagines there was a big garden. When they stepped into the house, they came to be in an ample unfurnished space. The empty room was dominated by French windows overlooking the impressive back garden, and generous light came through them. Wooden steps climbed up to the upper floor, encased in a carved banister, and the ceiling was a complex inlaid structure in two different tones in wood.
Lou followed Rachel and Teaspoon as if in a haze, so she barely registered the different other rooms downstairs. She did not even remember afterwards if there was a kitchen. When they were climbing the staircase, Rachel turned halfway towards her. “And now the best part, Louise. Your future bedroom.” She beamed, and Lou forced herself to smile back out of politeness.
Rachel led the way and she opened the first door in the corridor. Teaspoon and Lou followed the woman inside the empty room. An impressive bay widow took central part and rushes of light illuminated the whole space. The bedroom could well be twice as big as hers in the apartment. Almost as if reading her thoughts, Rachel said, “Apart from the master bedroom, this is the biggest and I… we thought that a young lady like you would need her space more than the two disasters I have for sons.”
Lou could hear the kindness in her voice, and even though she was moved by her consideration, she could not help but think that Rachel only felt pity for her. That was the way people treated others who were in dire circumstances. That kindness only hid compassion, and more than every Lou was aware that she was nothing but a pathetic orphan.
“Say something, Lou,” Teaspoon urged. “Don’t you like it?”
Hearing her dear father’s voice and concern was the last straw, and she couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. As she burst out crying, she buried her face in her hands and her weeping increased into racking sobs. Rachel silently beckoned Teaspoon with a tilt of her head to talk to the girl alone, and she walked out, wanting to give father and daughter some privacy.
Teaspoon came closer to Louise and wrapped his arms around her trembling body, and instinctively the girl hugged his chest tightly. “What’s wrong, sweetheart? Teaspoon asked gingerly.
Lou kept weeping this time more calmly, and when the tears gradually receded, she lifted her tear-stained face to him. “Talk to me, Lou. What’s eating you?”
“I… this bedroom is… is great,” she started, trying to cover the real reason for her tears with some distraction. “But… but what about our home?”
“This will be our new home, Lou. We’ll put our apartment under the hammer, and Rachel will do the same with her house. The proceeds will help up pay for this one.”
“But why can’t we stay in the apartment?” she asked through she knew the answer.
“Because there isn’t enough space for us, Rachel, and her boys,” he explained patiently. “You know that when we marry, we’ll all live together, and our apartment is just tiny.”
“And why then do you have to marry her?’ was on the tip of her tongue, but Lou swallowed the words despite herself. She heaved a sigh, and in a small voice she said, “How… how can we sell the place where … where mom last lived? There won’t be anything of her here.” The last sentence was uttered in such a soft tone that Teaspoon had to struggle to hear her.
“Oh Lou!” Teaspoon exclaimed, a lump forming in his throat and his eyes glazed as emotion took over. “Of course there’ll be something of your mom here… in fact the most important thing.” Lou stared at him uncomprehendingly, and Teaspoon smiled sadly as he added, “You.” He exhaled as he carried on, “You are the most valuable thing your mom could have left me. I still think of her every day, and you know why? Because you are so like her, honey, and with every passing day you look more and more like her. A house is just four walls and a roof, but a home, sweetheart, a home is the people who fill up that space, the people who we love, and even in spirit your mother will be with us because we love her.”
“Do… do you still love her?” Lou croaked in surprise.
“I do, and I still miss her.”
“But you now love Rachel,” Lou dared to point out.
“That doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten your mom. I love Rachel, and that’s why I want her to be part of our family, which means we have to make some adjustments.”
“Like this house,” Lou said wryly, but she refrained from mentioning Rachel’s two sons.
“Do you dislike it much, love?”
Lou shook her head. “It’s…. it’s nice, but it’s not our home.” “And Rachel and her two sons aren’t my family.” The thought came unleashed, but she stopped herself from voicing what really worried her. The house did not bother her that much, only the people who would live in it. Still, that was a truth she did not dare to say.
Teaspoon nodded at her words and nodded. “But it will… it will be sometime soon. It will fell like home.”
Lou willed herself to smile, but she very much doubted that what Teaspoon believed in so blindly would ever be true for her.