(no subject)
note to self:
brand new color dishrags for the kitchen and bleach = douching with drano
oops...forgot about what that stuff did...
any other time i was using bleach i was using a rag...ah well...
So yesterday was the day from hell. part of it was my fault, and i can kind of control it and make it betterr, but that didn't make me feel any better at the time...
at 230, i got called into the human resources office at work and get told that i am being put on one week of administrative leave without pay. this due to the fact that when my FBI check came back in June (during my denial period when i didn't do anything about anything), there was a listing on it for "fraudulent check under $1000". Sure I had plenty of time between then and now to resolve this, and I did actually get some answers over the phone, but no documentation. If I don't provide proper documentation that I really don't belong on death row by nextr week, I will lose my job. The police department that filed the charge has not been very helpful, and i've learned not to expect anyone at work to lift a finger unless it is to screw someone, so if anyone knows of some legal help that i could get cheap (or prefarably free) in all of this, i don't think it's all that complicated, but i could use some guidance...
i handed in my keys and left work, stopped by the house only to remember that i had therapy yesterday. this normally would not put a dent in my stability, but my therapist made it very clear that, barring armageddon or some other disaster in my life (no the events at work do not constitute disaster), yesterday would be the day that i would do the play by play of my rape. Yes i did it. no i did not dry in his office. yes, i realized for the first time that this event in my life REALLY IS much worse than i had ever considered it could be. Needless to say christopoopee was not to be alone iin the hours immediately following therapy, for his own safety. I think that along with denial leaving the building a few weeks ago, so did disassociation, so what i felt after giving even more vivid descriptions than i had given to the police of the events that occurred, i was much more in the moment yesterday than i was even when it was happening. there is only one more time that i will tell this story, and that will be at court because i will be forced to if need be. it's not safe to relive the events and feelings that i went trough on that day.
of course as much as the day from hell was about to defeat me, it was my friends that knew, seemingly instinctively, what to do. Derek didn't say much when i got to the house, but his listening to me and giving me space while still being close enough for me to still feel safe was probably the only thing that could have possibly worked to keep me from doing god knows what last night. i am so lucky to have friends that really do know me that well and that are willing to help me whenever i need it, whether i ask for it or not. I never experienced much of it as a child because of my mother's sickness, but i'm guessing this is at least a part of what unconditional love feels like. I know that in my better days, i could have been counted on to do something like derek did for me. part of what has made this so hard is that now there are moments, even minutes where i question if i can kkep myself in check, let alone give the support and love to someone else that needs it more than i do.
so maybe it wasn't REALLY the day from hell but infact a revealing and productive one...
as much as i wish this had all never happened, there is a lot that i feel like i am learning and growing from, at least in my better moments...
today i refused to let my insomnia get the better of me. while i did not succeed in getting the documentation i need in order to save my job, i did learn that calling evert 2 hours to remind them about the documentation i need and the fact that i am losing money because they will not forward me to the lieutennant. so tomorrow i think i will wake up at 6 (8their time), and start calling every 20 minutes until i either get a call that i can return back to work, or they call the policew out here to come and arrest me for harrassment...
brand new color dishrags for the kitchen and bleach = douching with drano
oops...forgot about what that stuff did...
any other time i was using bleach i was using a rag...ah well...
So yesterday was the day from hell. part of it was my fault, and i can kind of control it and make it betterr, but that didn't make me feel any better at the time...
at 230, i got called into the human resources office at work and get told that i am being put on one week of administrative leave without pay. this due to the fact that when my FBI check came back in June (during my denial period when i didn't do anything about anything), there was a listing on it for "fraudulent check under $1000". Sure I had plenty of time between then and now to resolve this, and I did actually get some answers over the phone, but no documentation. If I don't provide proper documentation that I really don't belong on death row by nextr week, I will lose my job. The police department that filed the charge has not been very helpful, and i've learned not to expect anyone at work to lift a finger unless it is to screw someone, so if anyone knows of some legal help that i could get cheap (or prefarably free) in all of this, i don't think it's all that complicated, but i could use some guidance...
i handed in my keys and left work, stopped by the house only to remember that i had therapy yesterday. this normally would not put a dent in my stability, but my therapist made it very clear that, barring armageddon or some other disaster in my life (no the events at work do not constitute disaster), yesterday would be the day that i would do the play by play of my rape. Yes i did it. no i did not dry in his office. yes, i realized for the first time that this event in my life REALLY IS much worse than i had ever considered it could be. Needless to say christopoopee was not to be alone iin the hours immediately following therapy, for his own safety. I think that along with denial leaving the building a few weeks ago, so did disassociation, so what i felt after giving even more vivid descriptions than i had given to the police of the events that occurred, i was much more in the moment yesterday than i was even when it was happening. there is only one more time that i will tell this story, and that will be at court because i will be forced to if need be. it's not safe to relive the events and feelings that i went trough on that day.
of course as much as the day from hell was about to defeat me, it was my friends that knew, seemingly instinctively, what to do. Derek didn't say much when i got to the house, but his listening to me and giving me space while still being close enough for me to still feel safe was probably the only thing that could have possibly worked to keep me from doing god knows what last night. i am so lucky to have friends that really do know me that well and that are willing to help me whenever i need it, whether i ask for it or not. I never experienced much of it as a child because of my mother's sickness, but i'm guessing this is at least a part of what unconditional love feels like. I know that in my better days, i could have been counted on to do something like derek did for me. part of what has made this so hard is that now there are moments, even minutes where i question if i can kkep myself in check, let alone give the support and love to someone else that needs it more than i do.
so maybe it wasn't REALLY the day from hell but infact a revealing and productive one...
as much as i wish this had all never happened, there is a lot that i feel like i am learning and growing from, at least in my better moments...
today i refused to let my insomnia get the better of me. while i did not succeed in getting the documentation i need in order to save my job, i did learn that calling evert 2 hours to remind them about the documentation i need and the fact that i am losing money because they will not forward me to the lieutennant. so tomorrow i think i will wake up at 6 (8their time), and start calling every 20 minutes until i either get a call that i can return back to work, or they call the policew out here to come and arrest me for harrassment...