why friends are so important (an understatement)
so i left work in tears last night...
needless to say, my intentions to try and make my life at work better backfired: i got demoted out of my supervisor position on friday, which also made me ineligible for the teacher position that i had applied for internally. the kids were astounded at what happened, and actually applauded when i told them i was no longer going to be supervising the unit but that i would not be leaving the agency at the present time. that reaction is only a small example of how unsettled and unsafe the unit feels right now with so much turnover, but i digress...
i got dirty looks when i was asked to stay later friday night and told them i had plans i could not get out of. sorry. they just demoted me. it's not tjhat i wouldn't normally be willing to take the extra hours, especially with the pay cut that came with their decision, but it was hard enough for me to finish out my regular shift.
so i go in to work tonight. the unit is covered by one of the other suupervisors that i worked with, and within a half an hour i am so angry that i can barely hold my hand still enough to write names on med cups when i am pouring them. yes, just because i am no longer a supervisor does not mean they won't exploit the training they gave me to be one and not pay me appropriately for it, but again i digress. my state of being was caused by the two supervisord changing shifts making a decision that they were not in a position to be able to make, and it was a decision that would make several of the kids angry, but they went ahead and did it anyway. then when i was successfully de-escalating one of these residents, the supervisor on the floor walked into the situation, took over without communicating anything to me, and actually re-escalated the kid before giving him extra consequences and then finally getting him to follow his original direction during the incident. i spoke to the supervisotr about how it was disempowering enough to be demoted, but that i didn't need him takingt over a situation that i clearly had under control, especially without checking in with me to at least get a status, and he apologized for his mistake, but from what other staff tolcd me tonight when i was fuming before i spoke to him, this is a constant issue when he is running the unit. oh and let's not forget the supervisor that filled the wrong order for 75 mg of benadryl and didn't sign either order for that kid, so when i gave him his current and appropriate dose of 100 mg, the kid freaked out an hour later when he started to feel out of the ordinary. i didn't address either of the other two issues, and i'm not really sure how to address them or any of the other issues i wanted to address on monday, since i just got demoted and i don't want to look like i'm on a revengeful and scheming plot.
so i managed to dry my eyes and make sure that i didn't look like i had been crying when i got to cora's party tonight. there were many there who i know well and i made a point of letting them know when they asked how i was that tonight was not the night to talk about it, that i would call them tomorrrow, but that i am not well and we are going to enjoy a nice party and get together of friends that i have not been a part of it seems for quite some time. there were little things that happened that other people probably would not even think of as important that made me feel very much like i am not the person that i was when i once used to go to these parties, and there was a point that i sat by myself in a chair just to regroup so that i didn't start to lose myself in my own stupid and selfish self pity, and it seemed to work because i didn't start crying again until i got to my car to drive home. overall though, it was a spectacular party, and most of my interactions with people were very friendly and some of them very extensive. just being with people that i know care about me, and who i feel safe and comfortable with, even if there were a couple things that i felt hurt by and they probably don't even realize they did anything, helped me to decompress, at least temporarily. i am so thankful that there are such an unexpected high number of people here in denver in such a short time that aren't afraid to express to me that they care about me and they want tto hear what's going on, and that they hope things will get better, astounds me. i have some really fucking good eggs in my life. i wish i could say that right now i am one of them, but clearly i am not, and so i need to do SOMETHING to become one of them again.
one though that did sort of beat me over the head today, is that i have been talking so long about waiting for things to turn around and start getting better for me. i am a dumbass for thinking that something good is going to happen to me to get me through this. it's not about what happens to me, it's about what i make happen. i am going tto have to get off my sorry ass at some point and make something happen that i am proud of or that makes me happy or that breaks this horrific spiral that i am caught in right now. as much as i'd like to say that i want someone to tell me what this thing that i need to do is, i am clearly going to have to figure it out by myself and focus on getting it done.
so after i left the party, i wen home and cried hysterically for a few minutes and then turned on the tv to veg out for a bit and go to bed in the hope that i can figure out what it is that i am going to have to do. i sat in my leather chair with my computer in my lap for a bit, not getting anything accomplished but increasing my frustration level, when my friend logan called. the bars were closed, he needed to wait and eat before he can drive, and there are a whole bunch of people going to breakfast that would love to see me and why the hell am i still awake? was his side of the conversation essentially. i told everybody else there what each of them needed to be told, and yes they were all glad see to me. so it ended up being the second time in one night that my friends saved me from sheer and utter depression.
to all of you that i spoke to tonight, or that i told i would speak to tomorrow, you have no idea the thanks for your love and support. i really needed it tonight.
needless to say, my intentions to try and make my life at work better backfired: i got demoted out of my supervisor position on friday, which also made me ineligible for the teacher position that i had applied for internally. the kids were astounded at what happened, and actually applauded when i told them i was no longer going to be supervising the unit but that i would not be leaving the agency at the present time. that reaction is only a small example of how unsettled and unsafe the unit feels right now with so much turnover, but i digress...
i got dirty looks when i was asked to stay later friday night and told them i had plans i could not get out of. sorry. they just demoted me. it's not tjhat i wouldn't normally be willing to take the extra hours, especially with the pay cut that came with their decision, but it was hard enough for me to finish out my regular shift.
so i go in to work tonight. the unit is covered by one of the other suupervisors that i worked with, and within a half an hour i am so angry that i can barely hold my hand still enough to write names on med cups when i am pouring them. yes, just because i am no longer a supervisor does not mean they won't exploit the training they gave me to be one and not pay me appropriately for it, but again i digress. my state of being was caused by the two supervisord changing shifts making a decision that they were not in a position to be able to make, and it was a decision that would make several of the kids angry, but they went ahead and did it anyway. then when i was successfully de-escalating one of these residents, the supervisor on the floor walked into the situation, took over without communicating anything to me, and actually re-escalated the kid before giving him extra consequences and then finally getting him to follow his original direction during the incident. i spoke to the supervisotr about how it was disempowering enough to be demoted, but that i didn't need him takingt over a situation that i clearly had under control, especially without checking in with me to at least get a status, and he apologized for his mistake, but from what other staff tolcd me tonight when i was fuming before i spoke to him, this is a constant issue when he is running the unit. oh and let's not forget the supervisor that filled the wrong order for 75 mg of benadryl and didn't sign either order for that kid, so when i gave him his current and appropriate dose of 100 mg, the kid freaked out an hour later when he started to feel out of the ordinary. i didn't address either of the other two issues, and i'm not really sure how to address them or any of the other issues i wanted to address on monday, since i just got demoted and i don't want to look like i'm on a revengeful and scheming plot.
so i managed to dry my eyes and make sure that i didn't look like i had been crying when i got to cora's party tonight. there were many there who i know well and i made a point of letting them know when they asked how i was that tonight was not the night to talk about it, that i would call them tomorrrow, but that i am not well and we are going to enjoy a nice party and get together of friends that i have not been a part of it seems for quite some time. there were little things that happened that other people probably would not even think of as important that made me feel very much like i am not the person that i was when i once used to go to these parties, and there was a point that i sat by myself in a chair just to regroup so that i didn't start to lose myself in my own stupid and selfish self pity, and it seemed to work because i didn't start crying again until i got to my car to drive home. overall though, it was a spectacular party, and most of my interactions with people were very friendly and some of them very extensive. just being with people that i know care about me, and who i feel safe and comfortable with, even if there were a couple things that i felt hurt by and they probably don't even realize they did anything, helped me to decompress, at least temporarily. i am so thankful that there are such an unexpected high number of people here in denver in such a short time that aren't afraid to express to me that they care about me and they want tto hear what's going on, and that they hope things will get better, astounds me. i have some really fucking good eggs in my life. i wish i could say that right now i am one of them, but clearly i am not, and so i need to do SOMETHING to become one of them again.
one though that did sort of beat me over the head today, is that i have been talking so long about waiting for things to turn around and start getting better for me. i am a dumbass for thinking that something good is going to happen to me to get me through this. it's not about what happens to me, it's about what i make happen. i am going tto have to get off my sorry ass at some point and make something happen that i am proud of or that makes me happy or that breaks this horrific spiral that i am caught in right now. as much as i'd like to say that i want someone to tell me what this thing that i need to do is, i am clearly going to have to figure it out by myself and focus on getting it done.
so after i left the party, i wen home and cried hysterically for a few minutes and then turned on the tv to veg out for a bit and go to bed in the hope that i can figure out what it is that i am going to have to do. i sat in my leather chair with my computer in my lap for a bit, not getting anything accomplished but increasing my frustration level, when my friend logan called. the bars were closed, he needed to wait and eat before he can drive, and there are a whole bunch of people going to breakfast that would love to see me and why the hell am i still awake? was his side of the conversation essentially. i told everybody else there what each of them needed to be told, and yes they were all glad see to me. so it ended up being the second time in one night that my friends saved me from sheer and utter depression.
to all of you that i spoke to tonight, or that i told i would speak to tomorrow, you have no idea the thanks for your love and support. i really needed it tonight.