Love and Not Love.
Dan and I had argued for the umpteenth time about stupid stuff, mainly him feeling like I twist his words to make him feel guilty and sound stupid, him always turning every argument we have into a RELATIONSHIP problem, and both of us going to sleep angry. The next day we were supposed to go out together to the mall and look for some lingerie. I call him after our classes and he's kinda curt with me. Says he's kinda busy right now and he'll call me back. But he has something he needs to talk about with me. At that point I think, this is it. Here it comes. We are breaking up. I already knew and began to prep myself. You see, I've been in this stupid situation before. I walk to my car to smoke a cigg and he calls asking me to meet him in the quad. I tell him I'm not walking all that way when I already crossed traffic just to get to my car (parking is horrible at this school). So we meet halfway where my last class was. He begins talking about how we seem to keep arguing and yadda yadda...I say, "Why don't we just not drag this out any longer than it has to be?" He is quiet a moment, and then agrees, saying he really wanted it to work out, we both believed so much, and he's not angry at me or thinks badly of me, and still loves me, zoyuhg0zw74n;kn,.,....
I fucking knew I fucking knew it. How the fuck could I possibly make logical the decision to try again when it didn't work the first time didn't work, I knew, I knew. I've done this before and promised myself never again fuck fuck fuck never never AGAIN would I let myself be put in this position of total and complete disappointment. Fuck me, I did this to myself.
I was so mad. But I knew at this point an offer of good will was needed. He was obviously needing me to validate him and let him know I didn't think he was an asshole. So I stopped sucking desperately on my cigarette and gave him a hug. We squeezed and breathed hard for a moment or two and some tears slipped from the corners of my eyes. I still half kid myself that tears were a display of defeat but fuck I was, I WAS defeated. So angry. He pulled back and tried to look into me with those big blue eyes of his and my face was set like stone. I punched the wall three times and my hand began to bleed. "Why did you do that?" He asked. Doesn't matter. "Are you mad at me?" "I'm mad at the situation. I should've fucking known." "Don't blame this on yourself, we both wanted to make it work so badly. I really believed we could change." So did I.
So did I.
I didn't want to eat alone, thought my whole day was planned out and even brought a camera to take pictures with him, for nothing. So I invited him to eat lunch with me and we had Italian food. I was fine and cool and cold and yet when I saw his temple and wanted to lean over and kiss it I knew I couldn't and it was a punch in the gut. We went to his house and after a little bit of laughing and smoking I was starting to relax a bit. We cuddled up under a big blanket on his couch and I watched him play a video game for about half an hour. Then we fell asleep for half an hour and he got up to use the restroom. He came back and tucked me in, laughed to himself and said I looked cute when I'm sleepy and gave me a light kiss on the forehead. Why can't it always be this easy?
So we were ok and I think he's happier when I don't expect anything of him.
I spoke with Crystal about this and tried to figure out what the fuck to do with my hornyness problem. I'm cool for a few weeks but after that I get ravenous and almost almost almost anyone will do. But I tried fucking around before and it made me feel so horrible and dirty and empty. I asked her if she thought it was wrong for people who love and care about each other to have sex with each other even though they're not "going out." She said I didn't have to feel ashamed of something if it was ok for both of us. But I had to make sure it was ok with him and not do anything he wasn't cool with. Oh, Crystal.
So I called him up and even though it made perfect sense in my head I sounded like an idiot. Before I was even half done and hadn't even come right out and said it he said, "I thought you'd never ask. I know how you get and that you can trust me to satisfy that part of you so you can think more clearly and work on what you need to. I have no problem providing you with that and I will still completely respect you." I was surprised he had already figured it out and asked him if he wasn't just doing it for the sex. "Remember what happened last time? I stopped you and made sure you knew what you were doing. You came onto me." OK. So he's right, I did. The whole time my heart beat out an alarm signal. This is so odd and I don't even know if it's right. Jesus fuck why can't I leave him alone.
I fucking knew I fucking knew it. How the fuck could I possibly make logical the decision to try again when it didn't work the first time didn't work, I knew, I knew. I've done this before and promised myself never again fuck fuck fuck never never AGAIN would I let myself be put in this position of total and complete disappointment. Fuck me, I did this to myself.
I was so mad. But I knew at this point an offer of good will was needed. He was obviously needing me to validate him and let him know I didn't think he was an asshole. So I stopped sucking desperately on my cigarette and gave him a hug. We squeezed and breathed hard for a moment or two and some tears slipped from the corners of my eyes. I still half kid myself that tears were a display of defeat but fuck I was, I WAS defeated. So angry. He pulled back and tried to look into me with those big blue eyes of his and my face was set like stone. I punched the wall three times and my hand began to bleed. "Why did you do that?" He asked. Doesn't matter. "Are you mad at me?" "I'm mad at the situation. I should've fucking known." "Don't blame this on yourself, we both wanted to make it work so badly. I really believed we could change." So did I.
So did I.
I didn't want to eat alone, thought my whole day was planned out and even brought a camera to take pictures with him, for nothing. So I invited him to eat lunch with me and we had Italian food. I was fine and cool and cold and yet when I saw his temple and wanted to lean over and kiss it I knew I couldn't and it was a punch in the gut. We went to his house and after a little bit of laughing and smoking I was starting to relax a bit. We cuddled up under a big blanket on his couch and I watched him play a video game for about half an hour. Then we fell asleep for half an hour and he got up to use the restroom. He came back and tucked me in, laughed to himself and said I looked cute when I'm sleepy and gave me a light kiss on the forehead. Why can't it always be this easy?
So we were ok and I think he's happier when I don't expect anything of him.
I spoke with Crystal about this and tried to figure out what the fuck to do with my hornyness problem. I'm cool for a few weeks but after that I get ravenous and almost almost almost anyone will do. But I tried fucking around before and it made me feel so horrible and dirty and empty. I asked her if she thought it was wrong for people who love and care about each other to have sex with each other even though they're not "going out." She said I didn't have to feel ashamed of something if it was ok for both of us. But I had to make sure it was ok with him and not do anything he wasn't cool with. Oh, Crystal.
So I called him up and even though it made perfect sense in my head I sounded like an idiot. Before I was even half done and hadn't even come right out and said it he said, "I thought you'd never ask. I know how you get and that you can trust me to satisfy that part of you so you can think more clearly and work on what you need to. I have no problem providing you with that and I will still completely respect you." I was surprised he had already figured it out and asked him if he wasn't just doing it for the sex. "Remember what happened last time? I stopped you and made sure you knew what you were doing. You came onto me." OK. So he's right, I did. The whole time my heart beat out an alarm signal. This is so odd and I don't even know if it's right. Jesus fuck why can't I leave him alone.