halloween horror rundown
HELLO INTERNET.
Most of you know that I love horror movies. I love them a lot! I love them to itty, itty, bitty pieces of entrail and CGI monsterface. And because I love them and I love you, I have compiled a list of my absolute favorite Halloween horror movies arranged by genre!
classic/formative movies
These are the movies that were formative for me in American horror! Alternatively, there's a movie or two on this list that I think make great introductions to the horror genre, even if you're not an avid watcher.
Blair Witch Project - 1999 - not that scary
Before the shaky cam was king of American horror, there came Blair Witch Project, the found-footage film that blew everyone's fucking minds. The pacing is slow, partially due to the highly improvised nature of the script, but like Paranormal Activity further down this list, it's the combination of taut atmosphere and a brutal payoff that makes this movie work so well.
Also, I gave it a rating of not that scary, but in all seriousness the end sequence will haunt you.
Night of the Living Dead - 1968 - fairly scary
Arguably one of the biggest game-changers in cinema horror, George Romero's black and white film created zombies that finally weren't racist. The bleak, claustrophobic atmosphere of the movie is occasionally relieved through black humor and social commentary ... but mostly you're stuck in a farmhouse with a psycho family, a catatonic blonde, and a put-upon black guy. You may find it hard to take the black and white lurcher zombies seriously, but this movie delivers some genuinely frightening moments.
Trick 'r Treat - 2007 - fairly scary
Imagine the cleverly interwoven stories of the touching holiday movie Love Actually. Now imagine that instead of being told that love is all around us, you're being told not to break Halloween traditions or you'll die horribly. You basically have Trick 'r Treat! The movie is made up of four (sort of five) Halloween stories that at first appear disparate, but are revealed to be connected. Also Anna Paquin has a great role.
gross-out movies
"P M G O!"
"PMGO?"
"PMGO, puke my guts out!"
Your mileage may vary, but these are, to me, some of the most viscerally horrifying movies I've ever seen. Their scares come not from suspense, taut psychology, or a high body count so much as sheer ICK.
Slither - 2006 - ick ick ick
What makes this movie awesome? Nathan Fillion and a cast of really fun actors. What makes this movie disgusting? Two words: tentacle rape. My brother was like "I don't get why you're freaking out, dog," while I shrieked over and over, "METAPHORIC RAPE, METAPHORIC RAPE, METAPHORIC OH MY GOD TENTACLES EW EW EW."
The Fly - 1986 - ick ick ick ick ick
This movie is disgusting both because of Jeff Goldblum's slow transformation (protip: ALWAYS CHECK THE MATTER TRANSPORTER FOR BUGS) and because of his equally disturbing psychological decline. Geena Davis and Goldblum both act the shit out of this movie.
Also, like, in all seriousness. You think "it's the '80s, how gross can it be!" REALLY REALLY GROSS. ALSO A FLY JUST FLEW BY MY HEAD AAAAAH.
Cannibal Holocaust - 1980 - you may never feel clean again
Cannibal Holocaust is an Italian exploitation film that marks one of the earlier forays into the found-footage subgenre. The brutal depiction of a sensationalizing team of documentary filmmakers is still relevant today, in a time of 24-hour news cycles and increasingly inane reality TV shows, but when I say brutal I mean brutal. Rumor has it that the director was called into Italian court to produce the movie's actors to prove he had not really killed them. What makes this movie gross for me, however, aside from some terrible rape-murder scenes, is the knowledge that it was actually a snuff film-- for animals. During filming, seven animals were killed, including a coatimundi, a snake, a squirrel monkey, a pig, and a turtle.
straight up terrifying
My definition of scary changes as I get older, but these are my top terrifyingest of the moment. These are the movies that get into my lizardbrain and leave it shrieking WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE. These are straight-up scary-ass movies.
Friday the 13th (part 1) - 1980 - surprisingly terrifying
Seriously DON'T LAUGH. I have always assumed that these movies were terrible. I saw Friday the 13th part ... three? Possibly four? I think it was three. (ETA: It was four.) I've always assumed these movies are horrible, end of story.
Not so. The pacing may be somewhat irregular and the acting ... less than solid ... but let me put it this way: I slept with the light on last night.
Paranormal Activity - 2007 - AAAAH
This film follows in the found-footage tradition, with one very logical twist: When Katie thinks she's being haunted, her boyfriend Micah whips out the video camera to document what's going on.
Why is this movie so terrifying? Other than the THREE potential payoffs, it terrifies me because I still freak out when I'm in new places and I hear scary-sounding noises. This movie teaches us, "You know all those times you lay awake in abject horror trying to convince yourself that clanking was just the radiator? Yeah, actually it's a demon and it's coming for your loved ones."
(P.S. Do yourself a favor and only watch the first one.)
REC (or Quarantine, if you must) - 2007 - HELP
I love zombie movies because I like post-apocalyptic landscapes filled with ravening dead cannibals. The Spanish film REC and its American counterpart Quarantine offer that same grim, zombie-story feel, except they put it on meth and lock everyone in an apartment complex. One of the most unremittingly claustrophobic films I can remember. Also, like the other two movies in this section, it ranks because of a single, shining, perfectly constructed moment of terror.
If you're watching REC, you can safely watch the sequel for a surprising mid-series genre-swap that actually works for me. If you're sticking with English, DO NOT WATCH THAT SEQUEL. IT'S STUPID.
funny/meta horror
Scream - 1996 - so meta it references itself
This is like the most hipster horror movie imaginable. It's funny and clever, it's got a great final girl, and it references possibly every previous horror movie ever screened in America. The scares can get somewhat legit, but for the most part it's a fun, sardonic romp through the genre.
Shaun of the Dead - 2004 - "Dogs can't look up"
If you haven't seen this, what are you doing? It's required viewing for all you people. You can finally learn to blend in at a zombie mixer!
Beetlejuice - 1988 - gothically charming
I cannot remember when Tim Burton did anything as good as Beetlejuice-- but then again, it hits like a gazillion of my kryptonites. Lush, specific scenic design! Larger than life costuming! An adorable dead couple and their troubles navigating the quagmire of post-death bureaucracy! This movie is quirky and morbid and really great Halloween viewing for anybody who wants to see Winona Ryder sort of look like she's acting. Alternatively: more of Geena Davis, and an adorkable Alec Baldwin.
Tucker & Dale vs Evil - 2010 - Alan Tudyk and a massive body count
Alan Tudyk is hilarious (and touching) in this slash-'em-up film about a pair of buddies who go to the woods to refurbish an old cabin, and the unfortunate misunderstandings that spring up between them and a group of college kids. This movie wins on every level: it has laughter, heart, a black character who doesn't die first, and a sympathetic, intelligent blonde. The script is phenomenal-- intelligent, genre-savvy, and uproariously funny. My only warning is to avoid this movie if frequent and ludicrous character deaths will freak you out too much.
terrible movies
These are so unscary as to be horror palate cleansers. They are so bad that they come around the other side and are enjoyable. At least a few of these have been screened at large parties and even people who are deathly afraid of scary movies laughed.
They're bad.
Cherry Falls - 2000 - it's about a virgin killer
No, not a killer who is a virgin. A killer of virgins. Among the many, many lines that are way too quotable for all the wrong reasons is a contextually inappropriate "CLASS DISMISSED" and "Holy hymens, Batman-- they're killing virgins!" It's listed as a comedy/horror on IMDB, but the lines that are supposed to be "funny" sound sociopathic, some of the scary parts are genuinely ... weird ... and the killer crossdresses.
Gothika - 2003 - boo
This movie earned its spot here because it COULD HAVE BEEN GOOD. It really could have. What's not to love about a psychiatrist played by Halle Berry who wakes up a patient in her own asylum getting evaluated by a stricken Robert Downey Junior? As it turns out, there is a lot not to love, like the movie's commitment to making sense. (Low.) I won't ruin the ending, mostly because it's all a blur of rape basements and asylum chase scenes.
The Evil Dead - 1981 - maybe I just don't get it
Don't you hate when you go out to the woods for a fun weekend with friends and end up unleashing a host of inexplicable demons? I watched this movie way too recently to remember so little of it, but let me just say: the special effects are terrible (and not effective), the vine rape scene walks a really disturbing line between erotic and just the regular kind of disturbing, and it's almost pathetically funny how much time Ash has to spend during this movie hanging out in a cabin with the insane possessed corpses of his friends.
GOD BLESS US, EVERYONE.
Most of you know that I love horror movies. I love them a lot! I love them to itty, itty, bitty pieces of entrail and CGI monsterface. And because I love them and I love you, I have compiled a list of my absolute favorite Halloween horror movies arranged by genre!
classic/formative movies
These are the movies that were formative for me in American horror! Alternatively, there's a movie or two on this list that I think make great introductions to the horror genre, even if you're not an avid watcher.
Blair Witch Project - 1999 - not that scary
Before the shaky cam was king of American horror, there came Blair Witch Project, the found-footage film that blew everyone's fucking minds. The pacing is slow, partially due to the highly improvised nature of the script, but like Paranormal Activity further down this list, it's the combination of taut atmosphere and a brutal payoff that makes this movie work so well.
Also, I gave it a rating of not that scary, but in all seriousness the end sequence will haunt you.
Night of the Living Dead - 1968 - fairly scary
Arguably one of the biggest game-changers in cinema horror, George Romero's black and white film created zombies that finally weren't racist. The bleak, claustrophobic atmosphere of the movie is occasionally relieved through black humor and social commentary ... but mostly you're stuck in a farmhouse with a psycho family, a catatonic blonde, and a put-upon black guy. You may find it hard to take the black and white lurcher zombies seriously, but this movie delivers some genuinely frightening moments.
Trick 'r Treat - 2007 - fairly scary
Imagine the cleverly interwoven stories of the touching holiday movie Love Actually. Now imagine that instead of being told that love is all around us, you're being told not to break Halloween traditions or you'll die horribly. You basically have Trick 'r Treat! The movie is made up of four (sort of five) Halloween stories that at first appear disparate, but are revealed to be connected. Also Anna Paquin has a great role.
gross-out movies
"P M G O!"
"PMGO?"
"PMGO, puke my guts out!"
Your mileage may vary, but these are, to me, some of the most viscerally horrifying movies I've ever seen. Their scares come not from suspense, taut psychology, or a high body count so much as sheer ICK.
Slither - 2006 - ick ick ick
What makes this movie awesome? Nathan Fillion and a cast of really fun actors. What makes this movie disgusting? Two words: tentacle rape. My brother was like "I don't get why you're freaking out, dog," while I shrieked over and over, "METAPHORIC RAPE, METAPHORIC RAPE, METAPHORIC OH MY GOD TENTACLES EW EW EW."
The Fly - 1986 - ick ick ick ick ick
This movie is disgusting both because of Jeff Goldblum's slow transformation (protip: ALWAYS CHECK THE MATTER TRANSPORTER FOR BUGS) and because of his equally disturbing psychological decline. Geena Davis and Goldblum both act the shit out of this movie.
Also, like, in all seriousness. You think "it's the '80s, how gross can it be!" REALLY REALLY GROSS. ALSO A FLY JUST FLEW BY MY HEAD AAAAAH.
Cannibal Holocaust - 1980 - you may never feel clean again
Cannibal Holocaust is an Italian exploitation film that marks one of the earlier forays into the found-footage subgenre. The brutal depiction of a sensationalizing team of documentary filmmakers is still relevant today, in a time of 24-hour news cycles and increasingly inane reality TV shows, but when I say brutal I mean brutal. Rumor has it that the director was called into Italian court to produce the movie's actors to prove he had not really killed them. What makes this movie gross for me, however, aside from some terrible rape-murder scenes, is the knowledge that it was actually a snuff film-- for animals. During filming, seven animals were killed, including a coatimundi, a snake, a squirrel monkey, a pig, and a turtle.
straight up terrifying
My definition of scary changes as I get older, but these are my top terrifyingest of the moment. These are the movies that get into my lizardbrain and leave it shrieking WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE. These are straight-up scary-ass movies.
Friday the 13th (part 1) - 1980 - surprisingly terrifying
Seriously DON'T LAUGH. I have always assumed that these movies were terrible. I saw Friday the 13th part ... three? Possibly four? I think it was three. (ETA: It was four.) I've always assumed these movies are horrible, end of story.
Not so. The pacing may be somewhat irregular and the acting ... less than solid ... but let me put it this way: I slept with the light on last night.
Paranormal Activity - 2007 - AAAAH
This film follows in the found-footage tradition, with one very logical twist: When Katie thinks she's being haunted, her boyfriend Micah whips out the video camera to document what's going on.
Why is this movie so terrifying? Other than the THREE potential payoffs, it terrifies me because I still freak out when I'm in new places and I hear scary-sounding noises. This movie teaches us, "You know all those times you lay awake in abject horror trying to convince yourself that clanking was just the radiator? Yeah, actually it's a demon and it's coming for your loved ones."
(P.S. Do yourself a favor and only watch the first one.)
REC (or Quarantine, if you must) - 2007 - HELP
I love zombie movies because I like post-apocalyptic landscapes filled with ravening dead cannibals. The Spanish film REC and its American counterpart Quarantine offer that same grim, zombie-story feel, except they put it on meth and lock everyone in an apartment complex. One of the most unremittingly claustrophobic films I can remember. Also, like the other two movies in this section, it ranks because of a single, shining, perfectly constructed moment of terror.
If you're watching REC, you can safely watch the sequel for a surprising mid-series genre-swap that actually works for me. If you're sticking with English, DO NOT WATCH THAT SEQUEL. IT'S STUPID.
funny/meta horror
Scream - 1996 - so meta it references itself
This is like the most hipster horror movie imaginable. It's funny and clever, it's got a great final girl, and it references possibly every previous horror movie ever screened in America. The scares can get somewhat legit, but for the most part it's a fun, sardonic romp through the genre.
Shaun of the Dead - 2004 - "Dogs can't look up"
If you haven't seen this, what are you doing? It's required viewing for all you people. You can finally learn to blend in at a zombie mixer!
Beetlejuice - 1988 - gothically charming
I cannot remember when Tim Burton did anything as good as Beetlejuice-- but then again, it hits like a gazillion of my kryptonites. Lush, specific scenic design! Larger than life costuming! An adorable dead couple and their troubles navigating the quagmire of post-death bureaucracy! This movie is quirky and morbid and really great Halloween viewing for anybody who wants to see Winona Ryder sort of look like she's acting. Alternatively: more of Geena Davis, and an adorkable Alec Baldwin.
Tucker & Dale vs Evil - 2010 - Alan Tudyk and a massive body count
Alan Tudyk is hilarious (and touching) in this slash-'em-up film about a pair of buddies who go to the woods to refurbish an old cabin, and the unfortunate misunderstandings that spring up between them and a group of college kids. This movie wins on every level: it has laughter, heart, a black character who doesn't die first, and a sympathetic, intelligent blonde. The script is phenomenal-- intelligent, genre-savvy, and uproariously funny. My only warning is to avoid this movie if frequent and ludicrous character deaths will freak you out too much.
terrible movies
These are so unscary as to be horror palate cleansers. They are so bad that they come around the other side and are enjoyable. At least a few of these have been screened at large parties and even people who are deathly afraid of scary movies laughed.
They're bad.
Cherry Falls - 2000 - it's about a virgin killer
No, not a killer who is a virgin. A killer of virgins. Among the many, many lines that are way too quotable for all the wrong reasons is a contextually inappropriate "CLASS DISMISSED" and "Holy hymens, Batman-- they're killing virgins!" It's listed as a comedy/horror on IMDB, but the lines that are supposed to be "funny" sound sociopathic, some of the scary parts are genuinely ... weird ... and the killer crossdresses.
Gothika - 2003 - boo
This movie earned its spot here because it COULD HAVE BEEN GOOD. It really could have. What's not to love about a psychiatrist played by Halle Berry who wakes up a patient in her own asylum getting evaluated by a stricken Robert Downey Junior? As it turns out, there is a lot not to love, like the movie's commitment to making sense. (Low.) I won't ruin the ending, mostly because it's all a blur of rape basements and asylum chase scenes.
The Evil Dead - 1981 - maybe I just don't get it
Don't you hate when you go out to the woods for a fun weekend with friends and end up unleashing a host of inexplicable demons? I watched this movie way too recently to remember so little of it, but let me just say: the special effects are terrible (and not effective), the vine rape scene walks a really disturbing line between erotic and just the regular kind of disturbing, and it's almost pathetically funny how much time Ash has to spend during this movie hanging out in a cabin with the insane possessed corpses of his friends.
GOD BLESS US, EVERYONE.