I'm a man-man-man, man-man-maneater
Guys. Guys. :D
This is how it went between me and the boy I like:
When last we left our heroine (that would be me), she was freaking out/mourning the complete lack of reaction that her confession of feelings evoked in the object of her affections, one of her very best friends in college/ever. He had sent her an email asking to meet the next day and "talk," to which she agreed.
... Well. That talk was even worse than the ill-fated confession of attraction/liking/wuv/what-have-you. Not only did he CONTINUE to not say anything, but what little he did say was eerily similar to conversations I've had with Josh, which of course freaked me out and made me want to cry. Eventually, at the end of my rope when he asked me "what I wanted him to do," I threw up my hands and said, "Well, this is just a trip down memory lane. What is it with Jews and reticence???"
"... Centuries of guilt?"
"What I want to know," STRUGGLING NOT TO CRY, though definitely with a note or three of bitterness, "is why nobody ever knows what to say to me."
"If it helps ... I never know what to say to anybody."
"Okay," I said. "Well. If you figure it out, come talk to me. I'm going back to the ballroom to make sure no one stole my laptop."
I proceed to spend the next several hours in tears. Asumi, once she hears the whole story, is about ready to deck the kid. A few of my other friends find out and experience similar urges to kill-- I should note that they find out rather quickly because of how tonight was "lab comp," our semesterly mock competition in the ballroom, and all the dance kids at least made an appearance throughout the afternoon and evening. I am torn between weeping and anger, though I try to keep it together through my practices and Paul's decision to try to teach me how the big speakers work (LOL), except I keep breaking down and crying at the drop of a hat, and then when the boy in question showed up I freaked out extra and just ... kept ... trying ... to smile.
So lab comp goes! I'm having a terrible time of it and am really not on top of my game. My standard partner asks me if I'm okay and is a total sweetie and attempts to cheer me up in his own quiet way with massages and moonwalking. I keep trying to not look at Boy In Question (hereafter known as A, as he has been mentioned on this LJ before).
FINALLY, at the end of lab comp, after having spoken to a few more of my friends, being fretted over a great deal, and having to dissuade people from talking to/yelling at A, I catch him as he's rounding up his stuff and getting ready to go.
"You and me need to talk," I say.
He nods sort of miserable acquiescence and we both exit the ballroom. Now, the windows are huge, so anybody who cares to look can see us.
"In case I wasn't clear enough, before," I say, "I don't care how you feel, but I need to know what that is, because-- I can't act for both of us. I don't know what to do or how to fix things until you tell me where you stand ..."
I was going to go on from there to add that until he could come up with something to say to me, I wasn't interested in talking to him, but he cut me off: "Uh. Can I say it, then?"
"... You came up with it already?"
"Yeah ..."
"... Oh. Okay! Go."
He told me I was one of his best friends at college and he really didn't want to lose that ... but he was sorry, he didn't feel the same way. (I GUESSED THAT. But still.) And he was really, really angry at himself for being, in his own words, "cowardly, and a douche, and a bastard" for making me wait so long without saying anything to me. I said it was okay and he said it wasn't, and that he hoped I thought our friendship was still salvageable, but that I should do whatever I had to do and he would understand. I admitted it had been really hurtful and "Joshian" of him to leave me hanging, but that of course I still want to be friends you huge freaking dork. (At this point I was crying.) I apologized for saying anything about liking him because I had meant it to be something good that would make him realize girls did like him, and I absolutely didn't want it to just make him feel horrible. He was pretty strident on the point that no, of course my liking him didn't make him feel horrible, I should never fucking say that.
In that moment, exhausted and stressed out and underfed, I experienced this strong desire to-- not to be any different. But I wished so much that I could have been someone he felt romantically about. And not for me, either-- or at least I don't remember it as if it was for me-- it was because I could tell he was miserable, and I wished that he could finally have gotten a romantic relationship he would've felt good about.
It was probably a really terrible idea. But I choked out, "I just wish I could've been the right girl for you."
... And he started crying.
I fucking made him cry.
He said something like "Fuck it, Merc, I'm so sorry" and he was crying and what do you DO?!
I hugged him really tight and started sort of stroking his back and whispering "Shhh, it's okay, it'll be okay" and we were both SOBBING RIGHT OUTSIDE THE BALLROOM. AS PEOPLE WERE LEAVING.
Something about that moment made me feel so-- close to him. Not in a romantic way either, really. But I had never gotten this much of an indication from somebody I liked that they actually cared about me. I had never seen it matter to anyone in A's position how I felt. And I felt like we were both in this together, in this total lack of social optimality, and we both didn't want to hurt each other but knew we had.
I think I'm going to remember tonight for a long time.
He still feels terrible about himself and really guilty for having "chickened out" on telling me how he felt when I had laid my cards very clearly on the table-- his Facebook status, updated after we talked, is currently "A is a fuck-up. congrations [sic] to him for being an awful human being"-- but Asumi believes that he deserves it.
And as for me?
I'm still crying quite a bit, but ... you know, as much as I'm sad that he doesn't like me back, I don't even really wish things had turned out differently. A is my friend and he loves me in his own way, and being able to see that love tonight made me not regret telling him how I felt. I don't regret my feelings or want to take them back.
As I said to him, it might suck to be us for a little while ... but I think we'll pull through. I really think we will.
I have great friends, guys. All around.
This is how it went between me and the boy I like:
When last we left our heroine (that would be me), she was freaking out/mourning the complete lack of reaction that her confession of feelings evoked in the object of her affections, one of her very best friends in college/ever. He had sent her an email asking to meet the next day and "talk," to which she agreed.
... Well. That talk was even worse than the ill-fated confession of attraction/liking/wuv/what-have-you. Not only did he CONTINUE to not say anything, but what little he did say was eerily similar to conversations I've had with Josh, which of course freaked me out and made me want to cry. Eventually, at the end of my rope when he asked me "what I wanted him to do," I threw up my hands and said, "Well, this is just a trip down memory lane. What is it with Jews and reticence???"
"... Centuries of guilt?"
"What I want to know," STRUGGLING NOT TO CRY, though definitely with a note or three of bitterness, "is why nobody ever knows what to say to me."
"If it helps ... I never know what to say to anybody."
"Okay," I said. "Well. If you figure it out, come talk to me. I'm going back to the ballroom to make sure no one stole my laptop."
I proceed to spend the next several hours in tears. Asumi, once she hears the whole story, is about ready to deck the kid. A few of my other friends find out and experience similar urges to kill-- I should note that they find out rather quickly because of how tonight was "lab comp," our semesterly mock competition in the ballroom, and all the dance kids at least made an appearance throughout the afternoon and evening. I am torn between weeping and anger, though I try to keep it together through my practices and Paul's decision to try to teach me how the big speakers work (LOL), except I keep breaking down and crying at the drop of a hat, and then when the boy in question showed up I freaked out extra and just ... kept ... trying ... to smile.
So lab comp goes! I'm having a terrible time of it and am really not on top of my game. My standard partner asks me if I'm okay and is a total sweetie and attempts to cheer me up in his own quiet way with massages and moonwalking. I keep trying to not look at Boy In Question (hereafter known as A, as he has been mentioned on this LJ before).
FINALLY, at the end of lab comp, after having spoken to a few more of my friends, being fretted over a great deal, and having to dissuade people from talking to/yelling at A, I catch him as he's rounding up his stuff and getting ready to go.
"You and me need to talk," I say.
He nods sort of miserable acquiescence and we both exit the ballroom. Now, the windows are huge, so anybody who cares to look can see us.
"In case I wasn't clear enough, before," I say, "I don't care how you feel, but I need to know what that is, because-- I can't act for both of us. I don't know what to do or how to fix things until you tell me where you stand ..."
I was going to go on from there to add that until he could come up with something to say to me, I wasn't interested in talking to him, but he cut me off: "Uh. Can I say it, then?"
"... You came up with it already?"
"Yeah ..."
"... Oh. Okay! Go."
He told me I was one of his best friends at college and he really didn't want to lose that ... but he was sorry, he didn't feel the same way. (I GUESSED THAT. But still.) And he was really, really angry at himself for being, in his own words, "cowardly, and a douche, and a bastard" for making me wait so long without saying anything to me. I said it was okay and he said it wasn't, and that he hoped I thought our friendship was still salvageable, but that I should do whatever I had to do and he would understand. I admitted it had been really hurtful and "Joshian" of him to leave me hanging, but that of course I still want to be friends you huge freaking dork. (At this point I was crying.) I apologized for saying anything about liking him because I had meant it to be something good that would make him realize girls did like him, and I absolutely didn't want it to just make him feel horrible. He was pretty strident on the point that no, of course my liking him didn't make him feel horrible, I should never fucking say that.
In that moment, exhausted and stressed out and underfed, I experienced this strong desire to-- not to be any different. But I wished so much that I could have been someone he felt romantically about. And not for me, either-- or at least I don't remember it as if it was for me-- it was because I could tell he was miserable, and I wished that he could finally have gotten a romantic relationship he would've felt good about.
It was probably a really terrible idea. But I choked out, "I just wish I could've been the right girl for you."
... And he started crying.
I fucking made him cry.
He said something like "Fuck it, Merc, I'm so sorry" and he was crying and what do you DO?!
I hugged him really tight and started sort of stroking his back and whispering "Shhh, it's okay, it'll be okay" and we were both SOBBING RIGHT OUTSIDE THE BALLROOM. AS PEOPLE WERE LEAVING.
Something about that moment made me feel so-- close to him. Not in a romantic way either, really. But I had never gotten this much of an indication from somebody I liked that they actually cared about me. I had never seen it matter to anyone in A's position how I felt. And I felt like we were both in this together, in this total lack of social optimality, and we both didn't want to hurt each other but knew we had.
I think I'm going to remember tonight for a long time.
He still feels terrible about himself and really guilty for having "chickened out" on telling me how he felt when I had laid my cards very clearly on the table-- his Facebook status, updated after we talked, is currently "A is a fuck-up. congrations [sic] to him for being an awful human being"-- but Asumi believes that he deserves it.
And as for me?
I'm still crying quite a bit, but ... you know, as much as I'm sad that he doesn't like me back, I don't even really wish things had turned out differently. A is my friend and he loves me in his own way, and being able to see that love tonight made me not regret telling him how I felt. I don't regret my feelings or want to take them back.
As I said to him, it might suck to be us for a little while ... but I think we'll pull through. I really think we will.
I have great friends, guys. All around.