(no subject)
So I'm sitting here eating chicken fried rice. I mean, it's not real chinese. It's that Lipton stuff. Did you know you could buy so many yummy things with preservatives out the yin-yang and make them in 7 minutes or less? Mom bought me a shitload of them. I think so I'll be less likely to starve myself to death, cuz I'll have something quick and easy and actually tasty to make. I don't think she likes that the child can easily lose 4+ pounds in one weekend.
So I'm kinda wondering what can get worse. I mean, I know something can. But everything else is so fucked up that I wonder.. What else? I'm pretty sure that right now, I'm lower than I ever have been in my life. And that's saying something. I'm down so far that I just *really* want to kill myself. I want to.. And I know for a fact that if it weren't for her, I would have already. Probably months ago. Do you know how that feels? Yer sittin there, staring at the veins that you can plainly see as blue lines underneath yer skin.. But you can't cut them open. Not because you're afraid to--cuz you aren't. You *really* want to split them open and see how fast they bleed. You long for it almost every waking moment if your mind isn't completely occupied (and occupying my mind completely is like trying to beat an elephant to death with a nerd rope). But you CAN'T. Cuz someone finally made you care about something, and now you care too much to free yourself from your little rotting meat sack prison. You'd rather suffer and lose your goddamned mind than cause them that much pain.
So then what happens after that? When you've hit the bottom, how much further down the rabbit hole can you fall? Actually, I'm not going to answer that. Cuz I know it can go a long way down.. It's called insanity. So I've become a living ghost. Just kinda standing at the veil between life and death, and I can see both ways. I'm not alive, but I'm not dead either. And I ache for it. Just to slip past it, into the shadows. It feels like slipping into a warm bath.. And then you're free. But I can't! I think it would make me angry if I had the energy to be angry. I dunno, I guess inhabiting the veil is kinda neat. I know things that would make the head shrinkers lock me up in a nice little padded cell for the rest of my natural life. Or at least I THINK I know things. I know them for a little while and then reality shifts again, and everything's a little bit different than it was. So I guess more than KNOWING things, I kinda UNDERSTAND things. Either way, it's a very peculiar (perhaps precarious) situation to be in.
So here I am, eating chicken fried rice and smoking a cigarette.. Waiting for things to look up again, or just waiting for the right time to stick my head between my legs and kiss my ass goodbye.
On a happier note: Chronicles of Riddick was AWESOME. I saw it twice over the weekend. I'm going to rent Chronicles of Riddick: Dark Fury today (hopefully). Mebbe I'll report on it. It's the anime story of what happened in the five years between Pitch Black and Chronicles. *melts* <3 Riddick!
So I'm kinda wondering what can get worse. I mean, I know something can. But everything else is so fucked up that I wonder.. What else? I'm pretty sure that right now, I'm lower than I ever have been in my life. And that's saying something. I'm down so far that I just *really* want to kill myself. I want to.. And I know for a fact that if it weren't for her, I would have already. Probably months ago. Do you know how that feels? Yer sittin there, staring at the veins that you can plainly see as blue lines underneath yer skin.. But you can't cut them open. Not because you're afraid to--cuz you aren't. You *really* want to split them open and see how fast they bleed. You long for it almost every waking moment if your mind isn't completely occupied (and occupying my mind completely is like trying to beat an elephant to death with a nerd rope). But you CAN'T. Cuz someone finally made you care about something, and now you care too much to free yourself from your little rotting meat sack prison. You'd rather suffer and lose your goddamned mind than cause them that much pain.
So then what happens after that? When you've hit the bottom, how much further down the rabbit hole can you fall? Actually, I'm not going to answer that. Cuz I know it can go a long way down.. It's called insanity. So I've become a living ghost. Just kinda standing at the veil between life and death, and I can see both ways. I'm not alive, but I'm not dead either. And I ache for it. Just to slip past it, into the shadows. It feels like slipping into a warm bath.. And then you're free. But I can't! I think it would make me angry if I had the energy to be angry. I dunno, I guess inhabiting the veil is kinda neat. I know things that would make the head shrinkers lock me up in a nice little padded cell for the rest of my natural life. Or at least I THINK I know things. I know them for a little while and then reality shifts again, and everything's a little bit different than it was. So I guess more than KNOWING things, I kinda UNDERSTAND things. Either way, it's a very peculiar (perhaps precarious) situation to be in.
So here I am, eating chicken fried rice and smoking a cigarette.. Waiting for things to look up again, or just waiting for the right time to stick my head between my legs and kiss my ass goodbye.
On a happier note: Chronicles of Riddick was AWESOME. I saw it twice over the weekend. I'm going to rent Chronicles of Riddick: Dark Fury today (hopefully). Mebbe I'll report on it. It's the anime story of what happened in the five years between Pitch Black and Chronicles. *melts* <3 Riddick!