(no subject)
I'm going on hiatus. Maybe not from blogging in general, but...
My life feels like a photographic negative: nothing's quite right, and something was lost in the translation. I'm not sure what, though. I just know that I need to go back and find it. I know I lost whatever it was that made softball fun. But I think I lost that first. I think I've been trying to please too many people, and ignoring myself. As the song lyric goes, it's nowhere near what I want or what I'm looking for. I've also misplaced what it was that made icon making fun. I know what ones are popular, and what layouts and color schemes will get voted for. But I felt like crap the last time I did that. Mod's pick. Who cares? I still sold out. I absolutely hated everything about the icon and didn't even want to make the damn thing, but I also wanted to win. I may still make icons, and update a few simple "LJ Icon" groups, where you just post what you make, no competition. But I'm taking a break from the competition. The ones I make that I really like never do well, and it's mostly the ones that I'm like "meh, whatever" about that get even mod's choice. I love the banner that I made for the signature on a Xenosaga RP site, but that's because I made it for myself alone. I don't care what a group thinks of it, so I made it something I like.
I lost something in general. I'm not sure what it was, but... I still enjoy stuff. Just not necessarily the same stuff it used to be. I love making icons. I love writing (maybe that's what was lost. I haven't worked on my story since I joined this new team). I love reading. I love roleplaying. My world doesn't 'look' quite right. It's not physical vision. It's just... I don't know what changed. Is "I don't know" an acceptable answer for now? I want an answer though. But it may do for now.
My life feels like a photographic negative: nothing's quite right, and something was lost in the translation. I'm not sure what, though. I just know that I need to go back and find it. I know I lost whatever it was that made softball fun. But I think I lost that first. I think I've been trying to please too many people, and ignoring myself. As the song lyric goes, it's nowhere near what I want or what I'm looking for. I've also misplaced what it was that made icon making fun. I know what ones are popular, and what layouts and color schemes will get voted for. But I felt like crap the last time I did that. Mod's pick. Who cares? I still sold out. I absolutely hated everything about the icon and didn't even want to make the damn thing, but I also wanted to win. I may still make icons, and update a few simple "LJ Icon" groups, where you just post what you make, no competition. But I'm taking a break from the competition. The ones I make that I really like never do well, and it's mostly the ones that I'm like "meh, whatever" about that get even mod's choice. I love the banner that I made for the signature on a Xenosaga RP site, but that's because I made it for myself alone. I don't care what a group thinks of it, so I made it something I like.
I lost something in general. I'm not sure what it was, but... I still enjoy stuff. Just not necessarily the same stuff it used to be. I love making icons. I love writing (maybe that's what was lost. I haven't worked on my story since I joined this new team). I love reading. I love roleplaying. My world doesn't 'look' quite right. It's not physical vision. It's just... I don't know what changed. Is "I don't know" an acceptable answer for now? I want an answer though. But it may do for now.