(no subject)
I can't sleep, can't seem to quiet my mind long enough to relax and fall away. I have some amazing dreams, very vivid, intense, emotional. Through my life I've often woken myself laughing. A few times crying. Lots of time when I wake up I feel like I'm losing a friend, someone real who was/is important to me.
It used to be that when I was really struggling with something my favorite teacher would come to me and we'd talk, sometimes about what was going on or just about life in general and I'd wake up feeling better and more sure of myself.
Mr. Shannon is his name and he was the first person not in my family to make me feel like I was special, important and could do and be anything I wanted. I was a Junior when he moved into our town and he changed my life. He always reminded me of Gene Wilder in Willy Wonka. A bit of frizzy blond hair, mustache and a ready smile. We were learning American Lit and he made it fun and interesting even for the kids who didn't like school. He made us all feel like we had valid points. I baby sat his kids (who are now graduating from college...ugh) and dreamed they were mine. Well, come on. He made me feel like a grown up and like I was important and special, of course I had a crush on him! He was probably the first person (and one of the very few in my life) to make me feel smart, really like my opinion and therefore I had value. What a wonderful gift to give to a self-conscious, self-doubting 16 year old. I will forever be thankful to him. My mother couldn't stand him, mostly I think because he had an influence on me.
So, in times of self-doubt Mr. Shannon would come in my dreams and tell me I'm terrific and can get through anything. Or we'd talk about books I'd been reading. And when I woke up I felt loved and confident and better.
But for the last couple of weeks I just can't seem to get that far. I'm really not even feeling that much out of sorts. But if I want to sleep I have to turn the TV on. I haven't even been able to read myself to sleep like I've done my entire life. What's up what that?!
Oh and let me just say...night sweats, at 39?! God that sucks!! Well, unless my periods stop pretty soon which would be alright with me.
The writers block question of the day says to mention one thing about my best friend that I envy. Man is that an easy one! Marg is amazing in her ability to make and maintain friendships. Everywhere she works she finds people who want to be her friend who want to spend time with her, even outside of work. I wish it were that easy for me. I've lived her seven years and wouldn't call anyone outside of Shannon's family, or maybe one or two of his nurses, friends. No one I'd call on a bad day to go to lunch with or go see a movie. And I worked at several places and never met anyone to do stuff with.
It seems to me the older I get the harder it gets. God, I hope that's not true cause I haven't figured out how to start getting younger, not that I'd want to!
Ok, anyone with how to fall asleep ideas, sock it to me!
It used to be that when I was really struggling with something my favorite teacher would come to me and we'd talk, sometimes about what was going on or just about life in general and I'd wake up feeling better and more sure of myself.
Mr. Shannon is his name and he was the first person not in my family to make me feel like I was special, important and could do and be anything I wanted. I was a Junior when he moved into our town and he changed my life. He always reminded me of Gene Wilder in Willy Wonka. A bit of frizzy blond hair, mustache and a ready smile. We were learning American Lit and he made it fun and interesting even for the kids who didn't like school. He made us all feel like we had valid points. I baby sat his kids (who are now graduating from college...ugh) and dreamed they were mine. Well, come on. He made me feel like a grown up and like I was important and special, of course I had a crush on him! He was probably the first person (and one of the very few in my life) to make me feel smart, really like my opinion and therefore I had value. What a wonderful gift to give to a self-conscious, self-doubting 16 year old. I will forever be thankful to him. My mother couldn't stand him, mostly I think because he had an influence on me.
So, in times of self-doubt Mr. Shannon would come in my dreams and tell me I'm terrific and can get through anything. Or we'd talk about books I'd been reading. And when I woke up I felt loved and confident and better.
But for the last couple of weeks I just can't seem to get that far. I'm really not even feeling that much out of sorts. But if I want to sleep I have to turn the TV on. I haven't even been able to read myself to sleep like I've done my entire life. What's up what that?!
Oh and let me just say...night sweats, at 39?! God that sucks!! Well, unless my periods stop pretty soon which would be alright with me.
The writers block question of the day says to mention one thing about my best friend that I envy. Man is that an easy one! Marg is amazing in her ability to make and maintain friendships. Everywhere she works she finds people who want to be her friend who want to spend time with her, even outside of work. I wish it were that easy for me. I've lived her seven years and wouldn't call anyone outside of Shannon's family, or maybe one or two of his nurses, friends. No one I'd call on a bad day to go to lunch with or go see a movie. And I worked at several places and never met anyone to do stuff with.
It seems to me the older I get the harder it gets. God, I hope that's not true cause I haven't figured out how to start getting younger, not that I'd want to!
Ok, anyone with how to fall asleep ideas, sock it to me!