[LJ Idol] Afterthoughts
"That's just paranoia. Everyone has that." - Slartibartfast, as written by Douglas Adams.
For a long time, I have had trouble living in the present.
I've lived in the future, thinking about what if, what if, what if. What if I did this, if I did that, if I did the other thing. Fretting, worrying, examining. And every time, I find I have overthought the situation, and managed to make it really screwed up. It seems that the times I just trust my instincts, take the step without looking at it from every possible angle, are the times things work. My move to Seattle, for all the planning that happened... all the planning happened after I made the decision. Things happened, and I just... decided to it. The hell with it.
But worse is living in the past. What did I do wrong. What did I screw up. Why did I do X instead of Y. It's tied me up in knots for years, and years, and years, about things. Most of them have been affairs of the heart, you see. I suffer from trouble letting go. (But at least I recognize it, which I suppose is a positive thing in some ways.) There is a woman who told me I was so out of control she never wanted to see me again. Another one is my friend again, but it took a lot of time. There's currently one there and I'm pretty sure it was neither of us, but just the way life goes, that cause things to not work out.
But sometimes I go back and monday-morning quarterback things that other people would/should think nothing of. Was that comment supposed to be snide? Was that actually flirting with me and I just don't get it? (I had a moment earlier today that was entirely overthinking a social interaction, and I knew it, and yet I kept going.)
I'm trying to live in the present a bit more, but it's harder than you think. It's harder to think, than to pre-think, or to have afterthoughts.
For a long time, I have had trouble living in the present.
I've lived in the future, thinking about what if, what if, what if. What if I did this, if I did that, if I did the other thing. Fretting, worrying, examining. And every time, I find I have overthought the situation, and managed to make it really screwed up. It seems that the times I just trust my instincts, take the step without looking at it from every possible angle, are the times things work. My move to Seattle, for all the planning that happened... all the planning happened after I made the decision. Things happened, and I just... decided to it. The hell with it.
But worse is living in the past. What did I do wrong. What did I screw up. Why did I do X instead of Y. It's tied me up in knots for years, and years, and years, about things. Most of them have been affairs of the heart, you see. I suffer from trouble letting go. (But at least I recognize it, which I suppose is a positive thing in some ways.) There is a woman who told me I was so out of control she never wanted to see me again. Another one is my friend again, but it took a lot of time. There's currently one there and I'm pretty sure it was neither of us, but just the way life goes, that cause things to not work out.
But sometimes I go back and monday-morning quarterback things that other people would/should think nothing of. Was that comment supposed to be snide? Was that actually flirting with me and I just don't get it? (I had a moment earlier today that was entirely overthinking a social interaction, and I knew it, and yet I kept going.)
I'm trying to live in the present a bit more, but it's harder than you think. It's harder to think, than to pre-think, or to have afterthoughts.