(no subject)
Depression's been hitting me hard and at random times lately. This isn't the regular depression either...I wish there was a regular depression, heh. I'm gaining weight, getting annoyed (but not as angry as I used to, which almost worries me), feeling lonely...I've been loosing me again in the worst way. No creativity...my fun goes up real high and then crashes deep...I love the word manic, even the sound of it rouses something inside me...I wonder if I'll snap...the brain is a marvelous thing, what you think effects how and what else you think, and it rotates around itself, conscious of itself and its own patterns...creating more and more complex ways of viewing oneself and reality. It's a shame usually deep thought brings one into a depressed state that brings about the classic downward spiral...wheee...rollarcoaster...I am on a rollarcoaster with so many staggering ups and downs...yet no events...nothing exciting...lifechanging...wonderful or horrible...but on a big enough scale when everything is compared when everything is flat...one little bump could be a mile...yammer yammer yammer...blah blah blah...I have nothing to complain about, yet things seem so rancid...
Atleast my other depressions offered me deep creative insight and madness...this only brings self loathing with a side of being pathetic with apathetic dipping sauce...funny, I feel like I don't care and care a lot at the same time...seeing as how nothing really changes...I don't know if I mind or not...what would I change if I could change anything? Nothing I suppose, again...nothing to really complain about...
I think getting depressed over a problem, then being all blah and looking at the problem like it's small and doesn't matter makes matters worse...then I feel shitty about how I got worked up over something so minuscule...even though it isn't...ugh...
*grumble* I wish I were angry...worked up, enraged or something...some feeling other than the blah...cause things aren't bad...just annoying...
Atleast my other depressions offered me deep creative insight and madness...this only brings self loathing with a side of being pathetic with apathetic dipping sauce...funny, I feel like I don't care and care a lot at the same time...seeing as how nothing really changes...I don't know if I mind or not...what would I change if I could change anything? Nothing I suppose, again...nothing to really complain about...
I think getting depressed over a problem, then being all blah and looking at the problem like it's small and doesn't matter makes matters worse...then I feel shitty about how I got worked up over something so minuscule...even though it isn't...ugh...
*grumble* I wish I were angry...worked up, enraged or something...some feeling other than the blah...cause things aren't bad...just annoying...