patterns and stuff
these few months have reminded me a lot about who i really am. although i had hoped for growth, change and an era of new development in my life (which was supposed to be a natural progression that came with university), i feel so very similar. i don't know whether this is an indication of my inability to change or if i'm too scared to accept myself as someone different. in either case, i just feel so uncomfortable and keep drawing parallels between my life now and my life at every stage prior.
i feel like there's something inherently wrong with me. i force myself to be happy because i want to believe that i've earned a pleasant life. i project a happy exterior because i'm incapable of truly coming to grips with everything that goes on in my life. i suppress all memories of failure, rejection and sadness because i'm not strong or capable enough to admit these things. perhaps this is the source of my very static personality and life. i may entertain the idea of being very emotional and pursuing true love, but i feel like i'm just transforming my fears into caricatures to prevent myself from actually being hurt by those ideas.
at the same time, i think this might all be a cry for attention. i very much enjoy the idea of being valued and appreciated, and i havn't truly relished those feelings in a long time. this lack of affection (or as previously referred to, poor RMA) makes me question my decisions so very frequently. if i'm not enjoying my life now, did i cause my own fate? am i just living out the consequences of the poor choices i made prior to this point? i think the side of me that seeks thrills and "superficial social encounters" is the side that's truly scared. if i can't derive a feeling of value and worth from those around me, of course i'm going to seek that out.
one thing in particular that truly gets to me is how i can't seem to have a best friend. i wish i could be less selfish at times. i want to put the interest of others before me, but it's so difficult. sometimes, i do things for others out of pure fear. i'm motivated by the opinions and notions of others and i don't know how much of my personality is a result of that. do i just act like this to please, amuse and entertain those around me or is this who i actually am? i feel like i'm about to spout the rhetoric of marilyn monroe.
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i want to believe that humans are naturally good. i want to believe that an average human being is reasonable, rational and forgiving. this is why when i upset people or disappoint people i feel personally responsible and take their judgment to heart. if my friends are my friends for good reason, shouldn't their decisions and choices complement my life? i don't know if i'm preventing people from coming closer to me or if i'm just naturally unlikable. both of these options (and i suppose it must be one or the other) are fairly negative and make me feel inadequate.
these feelings of inadequacy remind me that i want to become someone great in the world. my fears and pain propel me to become better, because if i'm better then maybe i won't encounter these problems anymore.
one day i may come out of hiding.
i feel like there's something inherently wrong with me. i force myself to be happy because i want to believe that i've earned a pleasant life. i project a happy exterior because i'm incapable of truly coming to grips with everything that goes on in my life. i suppress all memories of failure, rejection and sadness because i'm not strong or capable enough to admit these things. perhaps this is the source of my very static personality and life. i may entertain the idea of being very emotional and pursuing true love, but i feel like i'm just transforming my fears into caricatures to prevent myself from actually being hurt by those ideas.
at the same time, i think this might all be a cry for attention. i very much enjoy the idea of being valued and appreciated, and i havn't truly relished those feelings in a long time. this lack of affection (or as previously referred to, poor RMA) makes me question my decisions so very frequently. if i'm not enjoying my life now, did i cause my own fate? am i just living out the consequences of the poor choices i made prior to this point? i think the side of me that seeks thrills and "superficial social encounters" is the side that's truly scared. if i can't derive a feeling of value and worth from those around me, of course i'm going to seek that out.
one thing in particular that truly gets to me is how i can't seem to have a best friend. i wish i could be less selfish at times. i want to put the interest of others before me, but it's so difficult. sometimes, i do things for others out of pure fear. i'm motivated by the opinions and notions of others and i don't know how much of my personality is a result of that. do i just act like this to please, amuse and entertain those around me or is this who i actually am? i feel like i'm about to spout the rhetoric of marilyn monroe.
--
i want to believe that humans are naturally good. i want to believe that an average human being is reasonable, rational and forgiving. this is why when i upset people or disappoint people i feel personally responsible and take their judgment to heart. if my friends are my friends for good reason, shouldn't their decisions and choices complement my life? i don't know if i'm preventing people from coming closer to me or if i'm just naturally unlikable. both of these options (and i suppose it must be one or the other) are fairly negative and make me feel inadequate.
these feelings of inadequacy remind me that i want to become someone great in the world. my fears and pain propel me to become better, because if i'm better then maybe i won't encounter these problems anymore.
one day i may come out of hiding.