my new beginning
Last night was horrific. Dad basically told me I won't make a good wife because my room isn't clean... I basically flipped and ripped him a new one. Felt like crap. Told him how I felt. Basically broke down. Then came back up within a few minutes. I was so angry that he kept putting me down and putting me down...I realized I did something I learned not to do...don't go back in time during an argument. I shouldn't have brought up what he said in the past...no matter how right I was. I should've said it then and there when it was bothering me. I raised my voice...something else I shouldn't have done no matter what. I want to be treated as an adult and therefore should be one. Most of all, I broke a promise I had kept myself. I told myself that I would never think of how I felt in the past and act upon that. I told Dad that I should've just left long time ago when I was thinking about it. This is how I get when I'm emotional. This is really not me. Asad brought me back who I really am and I should live life as Brinda....not Crazy Brinda. Most of all, I promised myself that I would dedicate my life to Asad and what he's taught me and how he's restored my life back to how it used to be. Full of family and laughter, forgiveness, ambition, love, faith, tradition, helpfulness, etc. I broke that promise to myself and I felt sick to my stomach. But there have been so many things in my life that I kept buried so that I wouldn't break the peace. There was the last thing I said to Dad that maybe he felt bad about, but I felt good about it then.......I still do, but not as much as then. I said to him, "I didn't ask to be born. If you had asked me if I wanted to be born, I would've said no. So let me be happy the way I think I'll be happy. The end result will be my responsibility." I feel bad having said that, but at the same time it's true. I can't take away my life, God knows I've tried one too many times. My ass is still here and probably will be for quite some time. So I've come to the conclusion that I have to live life the best I can. I can't change that I'm here, so now what do I do? Asad really set a good example for me...that is what I strive to be. In my eyes, he is a really good person with a clean, pure heart and intentions. I respect him with all my heart and soul. I don't know how he does it...maybe it's not even an effort for him... But I know that there are some odds against me and I will have to work at it. But in the end, that is what I want for myself. I have to become even more aware of my thoughts and feelings when I'm in the moment. Descretion will be necessary for the time being.
After that argument, we called Sunil and his family. His Mom and Dad wanted to talk to me. I said hi to his Dad and he gave the phone to Sunil's Mom. I talked to her for not even half a minute...I got so nervous that I gave the phone to my Mom...politely of course. Then I talked to them again. I was so damn nervous...I didn't have a clue as to what to talk to them about. They didn't say too much either. It was so hard for me since it takes me a long time to talk people's ears off. But when I get started I never shut up. Sunil was laughing when I told him I got nervous... He said he wasn't nervous talking to my Dad or sister. Anyway, after that I called him back and we talked for some time. Our conversation started off fine, then got terrible. I just wanted to scream and throw the phone away. He said his Mom saw my recent pictures and she made an ugly face... Thanks. And then he went on and on about how I'm not doing something so simple that he asked me to do...lose weight. Here we go again. I've been busting my ass more and more for the past three weeks than ever. So far this summer, I had lost 12 pounds... not significant over soooo many months. But recently I cut down my hours from work and I've had time to work out more...now I'm at the point where I'm afraid to eat...Because once I start, will I be able to stop? How much more time will I have to put into working out if I eat something? Do I have that time to put into working out if I eat it? Then I have some not so bad days where I kind of cheated a little, not really significantly, but then after the fact, I feel like crap for having cheated a little...for example, having four or five spoons of frozen yogurt or having a can of diet coke. Granted those aren't healthy foods or beverages, but that little bit of it and I feel like I had taken two steps forward and five steps back... Lately I don't even want to eat, but when I want to eat, I want good tasting food...aka, things that are not healthy. When I do have those not so healthy foods, I have a little bit of it and stop and feel guilty as hell and not really eat for the rest of the day or anything... I recognize this right now, so I want to stop it before I choose to ignore it and go down a path that I don't want to go down... I have enough on my plate as it is. Wow, will someone look at the irony? I was trying to tell Sunil this and I don't know if it would have been more effective and I would have been more understood if I had told him in Gujarati or if he's just not willing to listen to me. I seriously didn't have enough time in the day to devote two or three hours of working out a day before...I was just doing too much. Now that I have time, I'm putting more time into it...more energy...but it still doesn't seem good enough to him. I really like him, I do. I know that he would be a great husband and son-in-law and father and brother-in-law and friend and all those things, but this one thing is really irritating me. Every time we talk lately, we get into an argument because of this. I don't want to argue. I'm doing what I can...I don't want this to end on bad terms. I want this journey with him to continue. He's really a great guy, I never thought I could think of moving on... But now I see a little bit of hope that I can move on and be happy with someone else. I know it's not going to be anything like the happiness I would get from being with that one person I adore and respect so so so sooooo much, but it's the next best thing. Sunil is definitely the next best thing, and I don't want to lose him. But I'm at the end of my rope... I'm doing all I can, what more can I do?
I asked myself that question and today I did some more research. I figured out how I can make more of a difference to lose at least two or three pounds per week. That would be 32-48 pounds by the time I might possibly go see him and his family. That time I would be between 135 lbs and 151 lbs. I'm changing my diet even more...not going to avoid food but instead eat at least 4 times a day if not 6. I will follow a strict diet of veggies, grains, fruits, beans, dairy. I have to make sure that my caloric intake is less than how many calories I burn. As of right now, I'm aiming to consume 1800 calories per day, no more than that......and no less than 1500 calories. That means 4 meals each ranging from 375cal-450cal per day. I got these figures from a site www.mypyramid.gov. It tells me the recommended amount I should be consuming in each food group. It also gave me a food log to print out. So I will be keeping up with those things on a daily basis so that I'm eating healthy and making myself aware of what I'm eating and how to improve my intake on a day to day basis. I also called Marc at Xsport to get set up with a personal trainer since Rey Rey quit there. We agreed coming in three times a week for two or three weeks will be good and then cutting down to twice a week for the personal training sessions, but aside from those three or two days, I'd have to come in on my own to make 5 days of working out out of the 7. So for right now, I'm set up Wednesday at noon with Antoine for my first session which is basically going to be an assessment of my physical health and my abilities. I'm ready to get ripped....I'm personally tired of being fat...Sunil is a great motivator for me making some changes, but I really want to do this for myself. Along with my old personality, I want my old physical health back too. That time I used to be so thin and healthy and energetic; I had the right curves in the right places...now I got curves even where there shouldn't be any! I feel like a damn marshmellow on a stick! But soon enough that's changing and I'm sticking to it more than ever. I am one of those people who will have to work out for an hour and half to two hours just to maintain my weight once I've lost it. It's not going to come easy to me to keep off the weight. Along with physical changes, I'm going to have to make some emotional changes too. That's a whole other story in and of itself.
I'm afraid of losing weight. I used to be thin and gorgeous...that's when bad things happened to me. grown men had made advances on me... My innocence was shattered. At least now that I'm fat, I hardly get noticed by men. Something I'm thankful for a lot, but at the same time, not so much. Recently, a manager at one of the places I work at had made a comment about "taking" me. In my gut I know what he meant, even my co-worker had mentioned it that time. But when confronted, he denied that he had meant it that way. I felt and still to this day sometimes feel stupid...who really believed/believes me? Look at me...I'm a marshmellow on a stick! Would he really say something like that to me? There is such a pretty girl that I work with there, why wasn't it her and not me? I mean, I'm not saying it should've been her and not me because nothing like that should happen to anyone, but when I say it, it's not so believable because of the way I look. I talked to Asad about this and he said people are attracted to people for different reasons...I see his point but still... Anyway, after that I felt so dumb for keeping this weight because then I wouldn't be noticed and get that negative attention because here I was, 183 lbs, obese and this guy said he would "take" me. I've been fearing the attention that comes with the way I would look...I hope I don't sound pompous or self centerd or snotty but I look damn good as a thin person... I thought that was the reason why I had gotten such negative attention and I wanted to hide that part of me so I piled on all this weight, not caring what I ate. In fact, I used eating as an outlet for when I was feeling sad or angry. I tried to self medicate with food. That didn't turn out so well.
I could never imagine telling Sunil this...he would think there is something wrong with me. I want his support through this, I want him to be present in this journey of mine, but I stop myself when I'm at the verge of telling him... I don't know if I should just say it or hold it back... Never in my whole life did I tell anyone this...I barely even let myself think of this. I tried to make myself confront this fear, but instead told myself I was just lazy and needed to get over it and get moving. There is more to this than laziness though. If it was laziness, I would have overcome it and achieved this within the past five or six years.
I know tomorrow is a new beginning for me, I just don't know if I should let Sunil in on the new beginning...