alone
im soooo messed up. But then again people who really are dont kno it, so its possible that im fine and everyone else is fucked. i dunno. im really homesick for AZ. i thought these feelings would go away after awhile but they havent and because of that i think im crazzzy! actually hope of better things is what im holding on to, thats why im still "alive" though i feel so empty, dead my be better....i bit alex's head off today. i feel so bad. i dont mean to...im just so stressed and though thats not a reason i cant help but feel horrid. sometimes i feel like he tries to munipulate me by acting like he didnt do anythan wrong...then again he prolly didnt and so yet again im a head case. iv just been hurt sooo many times by the people who are supposed to be there for you, they are supposed to love you and want to help you. not wanna make u take that shiny knife and introduce it to your wrist...not that i would, im using it as an example. my family and best friends and boyfriends and next it'll be the cat. i kno the whole worlds not against me. but the people who love you arnt the ones u want to care and the people who dont give you a second thought are the ones you wish LOVED you. i dont know wat to do...i dont know what to do with myself, i get freaked out when i get close to people and push them away, and hurt them befor they hurt me. like with alex, i kno its hurting him, pushing him away and i cant stop myself. i try to trust him, i wanna be with him eventually, and love him. but i talk myself outta it. i get scared, i think of EVERY possible horrible thing he could do to me. and i get scared and i get mad and i get hurt, and the whole time he's gotta think im NUTS, white straight jacket. im not honestly, im scared and if he can learn to be VERY VERY VERY patient with me i kno i can be ok with him. but i dont kno if he can or is willing to. i dont blam him, i couldnt do it if i was him....im destined to be alone.